In front of the bar
a thin guy in an oil-stained t-shirt
pulled out a pack of cheap cigarettes
from his front jeans pocket.
"You got a light, buddy?"
I pulled out my black Zippo.
He turned his pack upside down
and a single gold coin fell into his palm
along with a half-smoked cigarette.
"What's with the coin?"
"I always carry it," he said.
"If I drop dead,
I want the ******* who finds me
to have a good day."

why am i not surprised when boys cancel
their eyes averted their lips sewn tight
into a frown
“sorry” they say then deliver some *******
excuse

and i breathe it in

without any other thought except that
somehow
i brought this onto myself
the way that some people believe they cause
hurricanes or volcanic eruptions
i believe that i cause cancellations
either with my personality or with my luck
(although i’m not sure which is worse:
being broken or ******)

all i know is that it kills me
that i don’t put on makeup before
dates anymore because i won’t
waste mascara on tears won’t waste
lipstick on the edges of a shot glass
after i’m forgotten

it kills me that i don’t get butterflies
when i kiss people because if i got
butterflies anymore thousands of
species would have suffocated
inside me

So you say you're flying but deep down you're dying
Smile so crocodile I can sense you're lying

Plastic and fake prone to imitate
The snake in the grass leaves patience with Fate
Waiting too long and you got it all wrong
Singing sad songs to put the remorse where it belongs

Stay strong, head up, trust is a must
Don't violate the love by living like it's lust
Because once we are ashes there is no us
Just sorrow on the windowsill, filling gaps with dust

Mistakes will be made and battles will be won
You may win some but the war is not done
In the lulls of time we take time to have fun
And when its up in smoke we bare loaded guns

As we stand alone, so we live united
We take up arms and become divided
Withholding memories, we fight one sided
So we live our fantasies when the dogs aren't biting

Born for a purpose some of us never know
And as such we drag mangled cars under tow
We want to be remembered yet we all stay low
Want to live fast yet we all run slow

The hint is in the name but it's never us we blame
All praying for a change yet we all remain the same
A shame to run this, our Human Race
Ashamed to go out and reveal true face

Where are we now? What is this pain?
The mistaken take charge and the wise turn insane
We reach out our hands, but in spite we never grasp
The fingers lose grip and the numbers are cast

We take chance for granted as though it is not much
The coincidences we call luck eat you for lunch
I never liked this Earth and nor should anyone else
Yet I stand alone where my future needs help

Dumbed down we deal Death, a rigged trump card
From our very first breath until our very last
Peace amongst all is hidden in the chaos
Amongst the stars shine those who were misguided, lost

"what makes you feel empowered?" "i don't know"
green spirals filled the gap in our noises
i took another drink and made profound eye contact with the ****** mary
her frozen, flickering lips asked me questions i couldn't remember the answers to
are you feeling paranoid yet?
how many times have you been in love?
why does walmart sell religious memorabilia at such a reasonable price?
i ignored her, as i have since i was seventeen, so i'm sure she was used to it by now
i took another drink and smiled as she grabbed my hand and he laughed and she sang and they talked over one another about things that we would forget tomorrow
things that seemed crucial to say right now before the moment slipped away
i let them talk and tried to absorb everything about this small, dysfunctional powwow that filled my heart to its very brim
every part of the circle was so crucial, every word and laugh and sigh and sip so necessary for its completion that i was utterly overwhelmed by my very luck to be alive in a time and place where it existed
i've never felt that way before
when i walked home, the morning was early and damp and covered in the darkest dark i've ever experienced
i saw a candle flickering in a window three stories up like a (relatively speaking) modern day northern star
i turned off my flashlight and walked home in silence, basking in the green glow in the wake of fear and love and pain and joy and destruction

It's all just cause and effect,
Protect and reject
Detect and defect,
Discard and collect

Trust in the trash,
Liars mix and match
Selling you the shady ****
That destroys every pact

Getting luck from a draw
The Irish in me is called
As my number is pulled
Adrenaline is pulled forth

But here is my call,
The Misfortunate fall
Around me stands doors
And all lead to closed corridors....

There is an old concept
A Wives' Tale some say
That in minds has been kept
And passed on to this day:

*The world has zero net
Each life has the same
Some luck in beginning
Some good in the end
Whether spread out thin
Or gathered at once
Each person holds within
A set amount of luck
For those who face hardships
Early on in their life
By the time that they're old
They'll be free from strife
And for those who live joyful
When they are still small
Will find that the end
Isn't pleasant at all
And for those with a tad
Bit more luck than the rest
Their life will be even
Awakening to rest
With small hardships spread out
From day one to the end
But ultimately we all
Have set amounts of good fortune
From birth until death
We each get our portion

A flip of a coin is where my luck runs thin,
Heads or tails- only one side may win.
Behind this concealing mask they see,
I am nothing of what they expect me to be.
I am constructed of empty expectations,
They pull me apart in opposite directions.
My heart is full of insecurity,
I am trained to think of myself with parasitic peculiarity.
My fear stems from the burning stare of a crowd,
In which no love is offered and no love is found.
My heart longs to be accepted,
But even my own loathing is not respected.
The crowd tells me how to smile,
How to fix my hair,
How I should smell and what I should wear.
Half-heartedly I follow their direction,
But still they offer me no discretion.
I am only in search of a sliver of love,
But I don’t even worship the one they tell me so surely rules above.
Some things, I just cannot change.
And for that, they’ll only find me strange.
When I walk down the dimly lit street,
I pull my mask up further and hurry my feet.
Though not all seem to truly care,
I still cannot manage to escape their stare.
We follow their printed plan with oblivious ease,
Go to work, pay the bills- Yet it will never be enough to please.
Somewhere, someone offers a handshake,
Though it offers no warmth in its wake.
I think now that I will always feel small- no matter how short and no matter how tall.
I am too boring, I am too gross.
I am too rich, I am too broke.
I am too foolish, I am too sad.
I am too tired, and I am too mad.
So I walk along and flip the coin another time,
Again, it is my face I choose to hide.