You look in the mirror and know bloating is your enemy
You have people tell you, you are too flat
You are not skinny, you are not fat
When food can be your frenemy

You put in all this work
You have people tell you it will never be enough
You are not strong, you are not weak
When your body can call your bluff

You always try and stick to the rules
You have people tell you that you could do better and include this and that
You are not memorable, you are not forgetful
When your diet looks like something you do not get at

please dont ask me if i miss it when you know that i do,
please dont ask me how it felt to sit in the passenger seat of your car every day for four months straight.
because i will tell you.
how it felt like yellow lights in a dimly lit café on monday nights,
like ***** snow underneath your tires,
like a resurrection of fresh air after feeling trapped since september.
every now and then i come back to this.
now that it's february and i cant remember what your house smelt like.
i often wonder what your parents think happened to me. and your sister.
i've started to wonder if i would have gone to her wedding with you.
i hope she's happy, and i hope you are too.
don't get me wrong, i needed you to leave i know i did.
sometimes it doesn't feel like you did much for me although i know you did.
sometimes it doesn't feel like you were ever part of me although i know you were.
now that it's the end of february the weather has started to become lighter and i keep finding myself rolling the window down, making the music louder and wanting to sing, wanting to smile, wanting to feel what it's like to be euphoric again and i just, can't.
not right now.
i don't know if a year later can be considered "too soon" but i do know
that i hate you, and the way you made the snow feel like you so now i dont even feel at home when i look out my bedroom window.
i hate you, and the way you made the car feel like our safe space so now i don't feel safe when i'm driving with my mother.
i hate you, and the way you made me think that you would stay,
the way you made me feel like you were going to be a part of my family
the way you threw me away as if it was easy for you.
i hate you for everything that reminds me of you like guitars and troye sivan and sleepovers and driving down the ******* highway and being someone that cares about you so much i'd miss saying goodbye to my dad to spend another night with you.
so don't,
do not
ask me if i miss it
when you think you know that i do.
because i don't miss any of it.
not anymore.

If you seek adventure
You search for something
You never want to find
Because if you find adventure
You are no longer seeking it;
If you are lost,
You must stop searching
To be found.

I'm cold
I'm empty
It feels as though
there's nothing left inside
these broken bones of mine.

You've tried to find the answer, yet you cannot see
You've tried to figure out the reasons
Why it's so hard for you to breathe everytime his around
But still, unexplainable

Because from the moment he left
Is the moment you froze
The moment he said his final goodbye
Is the moment you feel those tears fell.

You cried, you scream, you even passed out
You wanted it to go out
You even wanted it to throw up
But these pain kept on slapping you the truth
That the man that you have loved before
Will never be yours anymore

It is a strange feeling...
to not belong.
Like all your layers are peeling.
Like every decision you make is wrong.

I miss everyone who has ever loved me.
I miss that feeling of my soul being warm.
I am just about as far away as I could be.
All my plans are lacking form.

I am a shapeless human,
without a mission, without a plan.
My soul has cracked just enough to let the gloom in.
Wanting to be strong, not knowing if I can.

My biggest fear was always weakness,
but it seems now that is all I am.
My newest personality characteristic is meekness.
But maybe I'm not supposed to give a ****...

Maybe that's what I was supposed to learn.
That not all our dreams fly.
Sometimes our efforts just burn.
That you can do whatever you want, is a lie.

That it is ok to let go.
It is fine to be weak, to lose.
That I can rise once more from this low.
That I will sing gospel after the blues.