ive never been really good at explaining how i feel and how it connects to what's happened. for example one might say "i feel x because of y." i, on the other hand, would say something like "i feel x and k and b, and also y happened to me but i cant tell the correlation between x, k, b, and y." and that just confuses people and they're like "yo dude why you so sad all the time" and im like "im actually not that sad its more like an array of different emotions like all of them at once, or none of them at all." and then they look at me funny because i dont know how to elaborate on that. so rather than that mess, to explain how i felt when the first girl i fell in love with broke my heart, i more or less started collecting facts. mostly these 9 things that have come to be true, like:
1. you are going to spend the whole night crying. no way to avoid it, the stunted breathing how everything feels like its collapsing the whole nine yards. when you say she broke your heart its not because the ***** on the left side of your chest is hurting, its because saying something is the heart is saying its the very center of you. she broke your heart and now your core is collapsing, your very structure is destroyed and it's her fault. not yours.
2. youre going to want to see her right away. dont. she'll tell you what you want to hear because she'll be burning in the heat of your sadness and just want to leave. she's going to say that it wasnt your fault, that it just sort of "happened," that she still wants to be friends. if youre going to have any hope of getting over her, you cant still be friends. not right away. it'll seem normal and easy but underneath you are holding back a lion of a heart while she is already on to her next prey.
3. the ghosts are going to haunt you. there will be the good morning and goodnight text ghost. the "can i see you today?" ghost. the ghost of where you shared your first kiss, your last. where she asked you to be her girlfriend sitting on the living room floor at 4 in the morning writing things on each other's backs she was burning herself into your skin. the ghost of her will still be there. in hawaii there's this urban legend of these ghosts that visit tourists in hotel rooms and resorts at night and sit on their chests until they stop breathing. he will haunt you. hes going to be there not just when youre sleeping, when you scroll past the first picture of her kissing this other girl, when you're sitting on the living room floor, when you see her and you've no idea what to do with your hands he's going to try to stop your breathing. it won't feel any different than seeing her for the first time except this time you'll wish you were actually dying.
4. you are not actually dying.
5. you will want to keep her clothes at first because they still smell like her and they are a constant reminder of ownership. her sweatshirt on your body, her fingers on your skin, her mark on your heart she owns you. you'll wear her clothes as a reminder that yes she was there once and sometimes as a hope that she will see you in it and realize how well everything fit and she'll want you back. when they stop smelling like her you'll put them in the closet as if they are foreign and you'll choke up every time you see them. eventually they will just be your grey sweatshirt and that cool band t-shirt. even months later when you put them on you'll still be hoping a little bit that she sees you in them.
6. you will not ask for your clothes back. they are hers now just as every other part of you is. they smell too much like her and although she's probably just going to shove them in a draw or let her new girlfriend wear them sometimes, at least she still has them and you are still in her room. you wont have much else to hold on to besides that notion.
7. green will no longer be your color. she used to say she loved it on you, when other girls looked at her and talked to her she'd laugh while you grabbed her hand locking your fingers like a promise like a threat to anyone that made you slightly jealous. you are going to get jealous all the time now. because now if you tried to grab her hand she'd back off, it'd cause too much pain its just another broken promise another thing that cant be fixed pushed to the back of the closet she won't laugh anymore. green is not your color you have no right to wear it no matter how often you do, you cant even mention it to her. it'll creep up and seep in it'll settle right underneath the surface. people will ask you constantly if youre feeling sick. yes, which brings me to
8. maybe not always, but for a while and then sometimes here and there youre going to feel so sick you'll think you've somehow brought back the black plague. when she tells you she's leaving you'll spend the whole night crying so hard you'll throw up 3 maybe 4 times you'll think youve emptied your entire body in hushed sobs. im so sorry if you're afraid of heights because every time you see her with this other girl you'll feel like you're dropping out of the sky so fast you'll have trouble standing. sometimes my chest hurts so badly from thinking about her i have to lay down and breathe deeply for hours. eventually you wont feel anything except empty when you see them together, or think about holding her dont think about holding her never ever think about kissing her dont you dare because then youre going to drop out of the sky all over again i have no idea how long this is going to last.
9. its not going to last forever.
its 2:44 and ive decided this is the last poem im going to write about you breaking my heart