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Sean Dunne Jan 10
in the summer we headed west.
it was no direction i wanted to go in,
i had other plans
but i was ripped away, with my arms still stretched out behind me.
i had been trying to fly and instead i was caged.
they brought me here to the mountains,
to the top i climbed and immediately looked east.
i ask, but for nothing
wandering and wondering when i will go home,
but they tell me this is it now.
and all alone.
i keep myself this way,
with my own defenses.
though i did not choose it i will remain this way,
so that i might put myself back together while no one notices.
my wings have been clipped but i can fly regardless
Sean Dunne Sep 2017
i live on a mountain where it rains a lot and i am lonely.
most days i fight with my eyelids to see the sun rise.
most days there is fog.
yes i've been avoiding the things i need to be doing
like filling out job applications
showering
getting out of bed
these days i mostly think about the things i've been missing out on up here.
i don't go out.
i don't sit in the passenger seat
in the glow of the courtesy light
talking about everything and nothing
listening to german folk music with my best friend.
i don't laugh till i cry
getting red in the face and chasing my breath.
i don't cook up insane meals we won't finish
while watching disney movies.
i don't go driving
i never end up at the beach it's too far.
i miss the sunshine.
no i don't talk about love anymore.
that word feels taboo in my mouth
i don't even know what it means
i don't remember what it feels like.
i keep my eyes closed till the tired goes away but i never sleep.
i wrap my hand around a cactus
call it an accident when they ask.
do i miss being sick?
maybe i still am.
Sean Dunne Apr 2017
the phone rings. its you.
before i can even initiate a greeting you are talking
in a voice so melodic it made the music envious.
we talk about mundane things like how we spend our days,
your parents, my parents.
we talk about love,
how i am inside of it, wrapped in the sweet feeling of a blue eyed boy
and how you are happy for me,
how you cant envision me with anyone better than your best friend.
how you are hiding it, trying to understand why your parents keep you inside a closet like old clothes they dont want to try on because they are afraid of how it might fit.
this happens every day.
i keep my phone close to me,
i like knowing that 3,000 miles can be crossed by the sound of a ringtone.
we talk about me, mostly.
its hard for me these days and you've been there, you know what its like.
i wish you had told me that you never left there.

it is june.
my phone rings and its you.
the sweet melody of your voice has slowed into a soft hum.
i am concerned,
but i didnt know.
you say things like
"i know youre going to do great things"
and
"goodbye."
but i didnt know.


that night i dreamt i was meeting you for the first time.
your head was in the clouds and i begged for you to come down yet slowly you bent and said
"i am with you."
that night you went into the closet that your parents locked you in to hide who you were away.
you were a jacket they didnt want to try on.
so you became the medicine cabinet.
and i hope that made you feel better.
i imagine its hard to feel incomplete with so many pills filling you completely.

the next day.
my phone rings and its
not
you.
i can feel the blood rushing to my head
my stomach falling to the floor,
how your knees give out and your throat gives in
i didnt cry.
not right away.
i waited until the phone call was over.
i hope you understand.

the blue eyed boy read your letter to me over the phone a few days later.
i didnt know.

my little bird, you became the clouds you once wanted to see from the inside.
i see you in all of the beautiful things this world has to offer.
you dont feel so far away these days.
you are everything.
the stars write your name out.
i hear the birds in the morning sing a song so melodic it makes the music envious.
i feel you in the sunshine and i dont forget you in the rain.
last night i laid sleeping and in the darkness of my consciousness the phone rang.
it was you.
please visit me often angel.
it was nice to hear your voice.
i miss you dearly
Sean Dunne Feb 2017
please dont ask me if i miss it when you know that i do,
please dont ask me how it felt to sit in the passenger seat of your car every day for four months straight.
because i will tell you.
how it felt like yellow lights in a dimly lit café on monday nights,
like ***** snow underneath your tires,
like a resurrection of fresh air after feeling trapped since september.
every now and then i come back to this.
now that it's february and i cant remember what your house smelt like.
i often wonder what your parents think happened to me. and your sister.
i've started to wonder if i would have gone to her wedding with you.
i hope she's happy, and i hope you are too.
don't get me wrong, i needed you to leave i know i did.
sometimes it doesn't feel like you did much for me although i know you did.
sometimes it doesn't feel like you were ever part of me although i know you were.
now that it's the end of february the weather has started to become lighter and i keep finding myself rolling the window down, making the music louder and wanting to sing, wanting to smile, wanting to feel what it's like to be euphoric again and i just, can't.
not right now.
i don't know if a year later can be considered "too soon" but i do know
that i hate you, and the way you made the snow feel like you so now i dont even feel at home when i look out my bedroom window.
i hate you, and the way you made the car feel like our safe space so now i don't feel safe when i'm driving with my mother.
i hate you, and the way you made me think that you would stay,
the way you made me feel like you were going to be a part of my family
the way you threw me away as if it was easy for you.
i hate you for everything that reminds me of you like guitars and troye sivan and sleepovers and driving down the ******* highway and being someone that cares about you so much i'd miss saying goodbye to my dad to spend another night with you.
so don't,
do not
ask me if i miss it
when you think you know that i do.
because i don't miss any of it.
not anymore.
i finally finished this poem i wrote for you. did you ever finish that song you were writing for me?
Sean Dunne May 2016
ive never been really good at explaining how i feel and how it connects to what's happened. for example one might say "i feel x because of y." i, on the other hand, would say something like "i feel x and k and b, and also y happened to me but i cant tell the correlation between x, k, b, and y." and that just confuses people and they're like "yo dude why you so sad all the time" and im like "im actually not that sad its more like an array of different emotions like all of them at once, or none of them at all." and then they look at me funny because i dont know how to elaborate on that. so rather than that mess, to explain how i felt when the first girl i fell in love with broke my heart, i more or less started collecting facts. mostly these 9 things that have come to be true, like:
     1. you are going to spend the whole night crying. no way to avoid it, the stunted breathing how everything feels like its collapsing the whole nine yards. when you say she broke your heart its not because the ***** on the left side of your chest is hurting, its because saying something is the heart is saying its the very center of you. she broke your heart and now your core is collapsing, your very structure is destroyed and it's her fault. not yours.
     2. youre going to want to see her right away. dont. she'll tell you what you want to hear because she'll be burning in the heat of your sadness and just want to leave. she's going to say that it wasnt your fault, that it just sort of "happened," that she still wants to be friends. if youre going to have any hope of getting over her, you cant still be friends. not right away. it'll seem normal and easy but underneath you are holding back a lion of a heart while she is already on to her next prey.
     3. the ghosts are going to haunt you. there will be the good morning and goodnight text ghost. the "can i see you today?" ghost. the ghost of where you shared your first kiss, your last. where she asked you to be her girlfriend sitting on the living room floor at 4 in the morning writing things on each other's backs she was burning herself into your skin. the ghost of her will still be there. in hawaii there's this urban legend of these ghosts that visit tourists in hotel rooms and resorts at night and sit on their chests until they stop breathing. he will haunt you. hes going to be there not just when youre sleeping, when you scroll past the first picture of her kissing this other girl, when you're sitting on the living room floor, when you see her and you've no idea what to do with your hands he's going to try to stop your breathing. it won't feel any different than seeing her for the first time except this time you'll wish you were actually dying.
     4. you are not actually dying.
     5. you will want to keep her clothes at first because they still smell like her and they are a constant reminder of ownership. her sweatshirt on your body, her fingers on your skin, her mark on your heart she owns you. you'll wear her clothes as a reminder that yes she was there once and sometimes as a hope that she will see you in it and realize how well everything fit and she'll want you back. when they stop smelling like her you'll put them in the closet as if they are foreign and you'll choke up every time you see them. eventually they will just be your grey sweatshirt and that cool band t-shirt. even months later when you put them on you'll still be hoping a little bit that she sees you in them.
     6. you will not ask for your clothes back. they are hers now just as every other part of you is. they smell too much like her and although she's probably just going to shove them in a draw or let her new girlfriend wear them sometimes, at least she still has them and you are still in her room. you wont have much else to hold on to besides that notion.
     7. green will no longer be your color. she used to say she loved it on you, when other girls looked at her and talked to her she'd laugh while you grabbed her hand locking your fingers like a promise like a threat to anyone that made you slightly jealous. you are going to get jealous all the time now. because now if you tried to grab her hand she'd back off, it'd cause too much pain its just another broken promise another thing that cant be fixed pushed to the back of the closet she won't laugh anymore. green is not your color you have no right to wear it no matter how often you do, you cant even mention it to her. it'll creep up and seep in it'll settle right underneath the surface. people will ask you constantly if youre feeling sick. yes, which brings me to
    8. maybe not always, but for a while and then sometimes here and there youre going to feel so sick you'll think you've somehow brought back the black plague. when she tells you she's leaving you'll spend the whole night crying so hard you'll throw up 3 maybe 4 times you'll think youve emptied your entire body in hushed sobs. im so sorry if you're afraid of heights because every time you see her with this other girl you'll feel like you're dropping out of the sky so fast you'll have trouble standing. sometimes my chest hurts so badly from thinking about her i have to lay down and breathe deeply for hours. eventually you wont feel anything except empty when you see them together, or think about holding her dont think about holding her never ever think about kissing her dont you dare because then youre going to drop out of the sky all over again i have no idea how long this is going to last.
    9. its not going to last forever.
its 2:44 and ive decided this is the last poem im going to write about you breaking my heart
Sean Dunne Mar 2016
they talk about water like its giving birth.
     when i met you i was swimming. you were treading water and i stopped to give you a hand.
     like this, float here stay a little while, i will too.
keep your head above water we can play marco polo and grow gills turn into mermaids you be Ariel you always liked Disney movies best.
     isnt this nice, arent you growing arent you starting to understand how to swim, dont do it just yet i havent shown you all i know yet.
     be careful now not everyone you love is going to love you but keep your head above the water hold my hand ill help you float.
     look at that when you start singing everyone listens everyone falls in love with you here they come to give you their souls im showing you off like my favorite pearl.
     be careful now youre not going to love everyone who loves you but dont sink too far youll choke.
     what are you doing why are you swimming away come back youre going under swim up like i showed you why are you forgetting everything we learned together where are you going come back this way i forgot how to swim all i know has been floating right here with you for so long i gave you all of me you cant just take it with you youre going so far down i cant even see you anymore.
     yes, yes i know not everyone i love is going to love me but i swam so far out into this water just to keep you afloat how can you leave me here you made promises dear god you broke them all and now i dont know which one of us is actually drowning.
a stream of consciousness poem
Sean Dunne Feb 2016
some victims of home robberies have reported cases of post traumatic stress disorder.
one woman said the sense of vulnerability can be hard to shake, and you begin to feel like a ghost.
every time i see you im afraid youre going to try to touch me and your hand is going to slip right through.
its unshakeable, our entire situation
im never done thinking about it.
i try to stop and it hurts more its like my mind only knows how to function when you're on it.
some days it gets so bad im in the supermarket and i find myself wanting to throw up the entire story to everyone in there.
its been an ongoing ache in my chest
and i cant tell if its swelling or already empty.
i think it might be empty
that would explain how vulnerable i feel,
how ghostlike ive been walking through my own home.
where am i supposed to go besides backwards?
how am i supposed to get there.
ive been walking around aimlessly with my chest open
hoping youll see the opportunity and rob me again,
take it all.
take every ******* thing inside me.
at least if it belongs to you it has a purpose.
right now i am nothing
right now i am sinking deeper trying to get backwards
right now i am unlocked and you are breaking into her home.
its not fair that you took the best of me and got away cleanly.
i wake up at night hoping to find you putting things back rather than taking them with you and somehow i am always left with something else missing.
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