I have control over this
I tell myself as I open the same drawer eight times in a row and reorganize it in the same way over and over
I will be on time
I think locking the door only to unlock it the next second to check if I put everything in the right place before leaving
I am going to get a full night's sleep today
I assure myself whilst rushing through the flat with already another seven tasks in mind that need to be completed before going to bed
I do not need to be worried
I answer myself regarding my reoccurring thoughts of thread and fear of losing control
I've got this
I whisper collapsing on the floor after excessively cleaning the apartment at three in the morning
mentalhealth mentalillness ocd control obsessivecompulsivedisorder therapy mind fear thoughts thinking
She told her
about the way her words
make her actions way more reasonable.
About the feeling
she gets when leaving the room
but taking the words with her.
About the thoughts
spinning and spinning
but never stopping.
She wanted to tell her
about the importance
of her words.
About the meaning
her actions have
and will always have.
About the cold
that gets a bit warmer
every time she looks at her.
About the courage
that she restores in her.
i'm seeing a psychoanalytic therapist
they want to analyze me
because my so called life has turned into the scariest
and somehow in a country of freedom i can't be free
they want to analyze me like a mathematician
analyzes the graph of an unknown function
psychiatric ward it says in the papers for my admission
i'm not crazy somebody please give me a definition
how do you think you can analyze a human
you can't look inside my mind
where all my thoughts are blooming
creating my emotions, feelings or something of an other kind
why do all my actions need a reason
how do you know i didn't write that poem
just to show them how i see the world
it doesn't necessarily mean i'm broken
just because you do not understand
doesn't mean I suffer from some unknown disease
why analyze a masterpiece
cause that's what every single human is
Words stuck in my lungs for months
Suddenly became butterflies escaping my mouth
And I didn't have to be afraid
Because you made sure to save them inside of your head
Every single one of them
You encouraged me to cut the flowers
Growing in my lungs, preventing me from breathing
Like weeds I unplucked them
And you made sure to save them
You dried them between the pages of your book
Took once or twice a look
But never ever dared to throw them away
How long has it been
since I last left my house?
Didn't let anyone in,
didn't go out.
Day after day
I sat in silence,
tryna find a way
out of my shyness.
Tried to get back some energy,
but all I found
so on I drowned.
Swallowed by the darkness,
unaware of my surroundings.
It could've been a day
or a year,
I wouldn't be able to say,
how long it's actually been.
my nightmares come true
i'm actually losing you
for your part in my journey
as a tear rolls down my cheek
for keeping up with me
i couldn't even stand myself
i wouldn't be here anymore
i wouldn't have hope anymore
that you leave
i'm stuck here
trying to believe
trying to survive
Part of an imaginative good-bye letter
you are my little star
i'll only see you from far