There are times when I just want to destroy myself and cease to exist, but ******* it I just can't do it, because one day you might love me.
And one day I may not see that crooked smile you have when you laugh or feel how your hand rests on my thigh when we're together. One of the best nights of my life was when you cuddled my thighs and told me about how afraid you were of waking up without love for the person you shared your bed with.

And as much as I loathe myself or depreciate who I am as a person, nothing to me would be as cruel, than to take you away from me. Because when I'm at work smoking my last cigarette of my shift and you ask me how my day was, I've never felt so genuinely content in my life, knowing that someone like you cares about me.

As soon as I reach out
For an extended hand
I pull back
And tell myself
"I'm fine".

10 months and 25 days passed
or
35 days away
till it marks the day
that I finally realized
my life needs to stop involing  
a blade trembling my skin

its a day that
I refused to get hurt
by a boy
who was my everything.
but was causing
the blade across my skin.

blades
the pain it caused
emotionally and physically
I was addicted
I craved a little more
everytime
the wound started to heal

boy
the hurt it did
became a way I thought
of myself
and I didn't want to loose myself
as I was loosing every
addition to my life

10 months and 25 days later
im free
from the boy
that caused the pain I liked
im free from the medal
that I craved
everytime I ****** up
and life has never been better

Isolated in academics
To finish my final days
Honored with a chance to fly
To an Ancient World
For a journey unlike any other with friend
Of New and Old

We all gather to the skies
From points of two
Dependent on which part of the pan
We originated

Many seeing each other
In the flesh
For the first time
Immediately we become friends
Unified by simply excitement a nervousness
For something entirely new for all of us

We each gather for the skies
To wait six hours short of a day
To begin our journey
In the oldest of lands

Many of us resting
Some simply lying back
We talk among our members about our paths
Leading us to this point and where we hope it goes

We come closer to our destination
Excitement grows among tired minds
Our blood rushes through our veins for what is to come
As or passage in the sky suddenly changes and burns



To be extinguished by the salty cries of Ryūjin
And swallowed whole to gain passage to
a New World

I cannot function.

These words may not make sense the morning,

but that's the beauty of writing,
isn't it?

You write what works, what flows, what feels right in the moment,

Then reflect later, thinking

"What the ****?"

All I'm trying to say is this,
Life is so beautifully simple that it's complicated.
Life is so inconceivably limitless that we feel trapped.
Life is so impossibly important that we feel insignificant.
Life is so unbelievably unlikely that we feel deserving.
Life is so stable we feel insane.
Life is so intricately balanced that we feel chaotic.
All I'm trying to say is this,
Life is what you make it.

Poets are liars.
We are never honest and even if we seem to be honest and raw,
We are not.
We are selfish and egotistic and make ourselves out to be victims.
We only write about what hurts us.
We write about our pain and suffering.
On top of that, we blame it on the lovers after lovers that have gone wrong.
You've already read it a thousand times,
The story of a how a person broke our hearts and tricked our innocent minds.
However, what we never write about is the hearts we break and the pain we cause.
I am not as innocent as I've made myself seem in my poems.
Yes, I fall in love with fools and they break my heart every time,
But sometimes I wonder if it’s just what I deserve.

Let me tell you about this girl,
There’s been a girl willing to set herself on fire for me but I handed her the matches and left…
I never saw the beauty of her flame burning for me.
I’m cold now without anyone to warm me.

Oh God, there was this girl who I let starve because I thought she had already ate too much.
I didn't want to be another bittersweet revenge on her plate…
Only to find out that she was honestly hungry for the love she thought I could give her.
I've read her cooking books,
She makes sweets for an honest guy now.
And now I’m the one who’s hungry.

And oh, there was a girl with a broken heart but with strong mind that wanted to touch me.
I thought I was too opulent for her ***** soul.
Later on I found out she had mines of gold and diamonds running through her thoughts.

I've hurt a lot of people.
I've hurt them the way this girl is hurting me.
And now I am screaming for forgiveness.
I've been so ruthless with their good hearts.
I am down on my knees begging the ghosts to stop haunting me every time I try again.

I’m a liar.

I'm weary of this weather and I hanker for the ways
Which people read of in the psalms and preachers paraphrase--

Out of place and rather uncertain
Lacking instructions, suggestions and a warning
Bouncing about like a toy ball
Uncomfortable with all my tics
I've always felt so quirkily and small

Lacking order and any sense of being,
Feeling out of place, unloved no ones ever hearing,
Broken and bruised from head to toe,
My scars shining bright against the pale white snow,
Just because I couldn't learn to walk straight,

Crooked toothed but grinning
I always feel like I'm sinning
Every time I'm early I feel late
Burnt to a crisp is the price of the flame
I'm just a solo player stuck in this game*

Maybe I'm the sinner and you're the saint,
Your halo is burning, getting lost in the flames,
Take my hand and join with me,
For we can end the heartache that seems to be,
Lets be awkward together,
There's no one better