my skin
absorbs
the hot, muggy
air
my hands
furiously scrub
at the dirt
mixed in with my
honey hair.
***** water
runs down my arm,
trickling off to my leg
and then into the drain.
i breathe, evaporated
water
filling my lungs.
my hair is clean.
my legs are tired of standing
and hurt from
all the razor nicks.
i shut off the
stupid shower
and step out,
shivering from the cold.
dirt is still caked under
my fingernails,
and there are still
blood streaks
on my legs
from my cheap razor
and bad
shaving job.
i stare at
the foggy mirror,
and draw a
frowny face right
where my own
lips are.

In the lines around my mouth,
You could read two different stories.
        They could've come from a smile.
          Or quite possibly from a frown.
But honestly you'll never know,
Unless, you brave the risk,
       Of coming to me alone,
and asking me yourself.

I have been in love, before --
I think
.
.
.

The kind of love where
Your heart
squeezes
in your Chest
and you
Feel like you're exploding
From the inside out and
You cannot hear
Anything,
Anything at all/but them


and it was real--
I tell myself.
My friends tell me.
They told me.

As real as being young could
Be...
The kind of real you get from sobbing and laughing
While your stomach melts your
Heart and your brain fries to
Bits
.
.
.
From their smile..,
Or their frown.
:(


But
I don't remember crying--
Just forgetting
.
.
.

How
one day my lungs were back to
Normal size and
My brain no longer
Screamed...

And (how) they weren't
in the obituary section
of the news.

I've tried
How I've tried
You pretend to know me,
Think you can see through every little lie,
Every little insignificant detail I provided about myself,
Who I was,
How I was

I try
I open my mouth but the words I wanna say
Get stuck
Probably behind these ****-ugly buck teeth of mine
So large as to block and distort
What I wanna say

I tried explaining
But once again the words evade me
Leaving me tongue tied, helpless, blind
OH HOW I'VE TRIED!
Like when I promised I wouldn't cut again
And the next day
I did it anyway
I was guilty as **** but...

I tried explaining
I tried to tell you I had an addiction,
The cigarette of the steel
The LSD of that smooth handle
The speed of that burning sensation in my arm
As it opens up to someone who can't stop himself
He's shaking as he does it, silent, words evade him
Screams evade him
And so too do friends when he fails to say
He TRIED!

You don't think he suffers enough?
You don't think keeping this promise is tough?
My mind is saying NO but only the part I control
And it's a scientific fact that you control
Only a small portion of your brain
It's not always in control
It's no override
It's no easy way out
IT'S NOT EASY

The words he wants to scream
The words he wants to shout
People look at him, disappointed when he says
What he has done,
The sin that is bad habit
Like he can ******* CHOOSE
To be depressed at this ****-awful WORLD
That constantly SUPPRESSES him,
Kicks him into the gutter
And proceeds to STOMP HIM
INTO THE MOTHER ******* DIRT
LAUGHING
MOCKING
TELLING HIM HE'S WORTHLESS
SO HE HEARS IT IN EVERY TINY LITTLE MISTAKE HE MAKES
"Oh, you didn't do this right" translates to
"YOU'RE NOT RIGHT! YOU'RE WRONG! SO ******* WRONG!"
"Can you please do this again" becomes
"YOU ****** UP MAJOR, SON, AND I'M DISAPPOINTED!"

If there's one thing I hate it's causing disappointment
If there's one thing I hate it's frowns
It's anger
It's hostility when all I ever tried to do
WAS TO MAKE YOU ******* SMILE!

I told you I tried
I tried so ******* hard
I broke my back for you
I took twice the load
I never told anyone else
Because nobody else would care

All they ever did was stomp me into the gutter
And so I turned to the one thing that gave me pleasure
This ****** addiction
Where self-harm is okay
Everyone else harms me
So surely it's okay to do it to myself

A fire of desire lays behind the smile
Your fist prominent with lost miles
Tasteless passion that oscillate piles

A cold flame embodies the draught
Torn embers that glows and downs
Faded colours that distract and frown

A blunted clarity try and blow itself
Dismay adorned to encrust destitution
Distractions paraded in devolved arrays

maybe the sky didn't look the day she fell down; maybe the sun covered its eyes to avoid seeing her frown.

The chill just crept into me
My smile faded suddenly
The feeling of it ending
The beauty and the broken
The destruction of it all
Slowly time ends us all

Twinkle twinkle little star
I know what you really are.

You set me high up in the sky
Gazed at me with perfect eyes.

We talked late into the night
I even thought you just might

Love me too,
The way I do you

Then you left, and with a frown
Allowed me to come crashing down.

Something I've observed
and maybe you've noticed it too
that your dance is always the same
with steps well-tread, familiar;
a frown,
a concerted effort to hold that cigarette in place
before the resolution;
you sit back,
always one ankle resisting on the opposite knee,
contented.