what if God
regrets creating
a human
like me?

I thought I was going to find love wrapped in a woman's arms
     holding hands down every street
     falling asleep with her head between my shoulder blades and
     her arm across my stomach
     pecking kisses every single chance we got
     watching my every move with a stupid grin,
     but for me that wasn't enough

I thought I was going to find love keeping a woman above water
     serving the purpose of serving her
     receiving kisses only when she is in the mood
     holding hands down every hall
     faking a smile when she won't even try,
     but love has two sides and I matter too

I thought I wasn't going to find love
     nobody could fill my expectations of love
     so many contradictions that a solution wasn't clear
     there were things from both I still wanted,
     but I didn't know what to expect when I stopped expecting
     anything

I thought love was just one thing for everyone
     that how I felt was the same way everyone in love felt
     that love was more about physical contact than emotional
     connection
     that every love I would ever have would look the same,
     but it wasn't true

Because I found that love is so much more than that
     it is different for everyone and varies between partners
     it is complicated and intoxicating in ways I never could've
     imagined
     it is important to be able to talk with who you love and touch
     them often enough to never forget
     it is the most unnaturally natural thing about being human
And I found it in you.

I can't fake it
Even though they want me to

I can't help but be myself
I can't pretend
That pretending helps

Dress like you're perfect
Ignore if it's hurting
Smile like you understand

Expectations
So many reasons
None that make sense to me

Look the other away
Hope no one notices
Hide the tremble in your hand

Expectations
Still, have to face them
I'm stuck being their trophies

The pain gets too much
The edges get too rough
But you still have to stand

I can't see the light that leads
The end of the tunnel
Is too dark for me

I can't make it
Even though I want to

I find myself paddling against the current.

Those ahead ask why I am falling behind.
Those behind don’t see how every stroke wears me down.

It takes everything I have just to stay afloat.
"We began this race after you and have already overtaken you, how pathetic."

I want to give up.
"You have to keep going, you’ve already made it so much farther than us!"

I want to be better.
"Then BE better."

I don’t have the strength.
"You wouldn’t have made it this far if you weren’t strong!"

I worry the current is stronger than I am.
"It is no stronger than ours surely."

My canoe strains against the pressure.
"Your canoe is a GIFT, you mustn't waste it!"

I close my eyes for the briefest of spells, try to steal just a moment of rest.
As I reopen them… I realise that it’s gone.
My goal. What was my goal again?

I have been paddling in this current so long...
Where was I going again?

All I remember is the agony of each stroke,
The words of condemnation for my failures
The presupposition of my achievements.

"You’re a disappointment, you should give up."
"If you give up, you will be a disappointment."

"You’re not good enough to be here."
"You’re too good not to be there."

"Look at your failures!"
"Focus on your accomplishments!"

My canoe breaks, and I am plunged into the icy waters of uncertainty.
I have forgotten what my own voice sounds like.
I need to hear it.
I open my mouth to remind myself, but nothing comes out.
Instead, the current consumes me; inside and out.
What could have been and what could never be are gone.

I am gone.

Rapid beating of my heart is deceiving
what I think I'm feeling.
However believing isn't knowing
what this is going to turn into in the night glowing.