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Iz Oct 9
Is it really survivors guilt if
I haven’t survived yet
Iz Sep 8
I saw her today
I mean I never saw her face
But having spent a trimester
Memorizing every centimeter
I could see of her
I knew it was her

I’d called her my first
Girlfriend, Crush, Truth, Almost-Love, Shame, End, Pretend, Lie, Over the night
We never went on a date
I skipped held hands
We went straight to being ashamed
The way my pupils would inflate
I remember how I just couldn’t be
close enough to her
Even if our bodies were pressed together
Honestly I miss her
We were like
Best Friends Forever
Iz Sep 4
I know longer feel the need to etch my apologies on to my skin
For now my only apology is to me
Iz Aug 24
You can’t tape leaves back to trees to make the seasons stop
Sometimes all you can do is watch
Iz Aug 7
I need to remind myself that he was not the first
That behind the tree
When I loved being called tween
She was the new memory I suppressed in my jeans
Sun between the trees we leaned to pretend our maturity
See I convinced myself for years that it wasn’t even something to think about
For I didn’t even experience the real thing

Now my mind larger but my innocence almost nonexistent  
There’s a new story
Another boy taller yet still smaller than me
Grew up in a whole different culture than me
We talk for two weeks and I know he likes me
He is too good to have kissed any-body
But I with to many events to fit underneath me
I’m to scared to be remembered as something
So when he hands me flowers I know what he will ask
I say yes for I can’t stop (t)his memory
The Hong Kong boy who’s flowers died in my sink
Iz Jul 30
It is 10 pm and I’m crying again
Tears a stream that is so familiar to me
But I’m not crying because I want to die
I am crying because I wanted to
I am crying for that 12-year-old girl
Who twirled
with suicide every night
I am crying because if the pills would have worked
the way I wished they would
I wouldn’t be here
I just wouldn't feel this way
  Jul 29 Iz
It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived
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