i don't hate you
i fear you
and you make me stay by
teaching me that
to love is to fear and
to fear is to love

In the heat of summer,
I thought I'd remember the sword forever,
amidst new memories will there linger,
the burn of a poker on my chest,
the rips in my skin,
blood racing down my thighs,
remnants of the steel that pierced my skin.

The brown leaves fall,
and the blood no longer leaves traces on skin,
the ghost of the sword is made of stainless steel,
nights filled with owls,
shadows in every room,
remnants of the steel that pierced my skin.

The cold winds grow,
no one to call, no one to hold,
the sword is sharp and cutting,
the storm weathers on,
rain on my windows,
remnants of the steel that pierced my skin.

The flowers begin to grow,
the smell is sweet, a tempting promise,
the sword is rusted,
the blood has been washed from my skin,
every warm memory fills my mind,
remnants of the steel that pierced my skin,
gone at last.

I started a riot
of abused women

fire in our eyes
bruises left behind

a strenght to be remembered
by a man that no longer scare us

Dad,

Did you really mean the things you said to me? That one night.
Did you really mean to disown me at birth? That one afternoon.
Did you really mean to hurt me and the woman I love? That one day.

Before birth, dad, I learned love through closed fists.
I learned love through the smell of bourbon and the taste of whatever drugs were on your tongue that night.
I learned love through abandonment.

At the age of three months, I was naive.
I thought love was shown in the shapes of bruises.
I thought love was left in the burn marks.
I thought love was embedded into broken ribs.

I thought sleeping pills made you fly.
That’s why I cried for mama to take me with her.

At the age of seven, I was naive.
I believed you loved me.
I believed that I was the subject of every waking ballad you’d sing to me.
I believed that your rough hands rubbing lotion on me was out of love not pure obligation.

At the age of nine, I was naive.
I trusted your words.
I trusted your vows.
I trusted everything you’d say.
Yet, you never showed up.

But even love can’t make room in busy.

At the age of eleven, I was naive.
I waited for you.
I longed for you.
And some nights,
I cried for you.

But distance makes screams seem quieter than they seem.

At the age of thirteen, I was naive.
I needed you.
That year I tried to fly like mama.

No one cried for me.

At the age of sixteen, I was naive.
I was cutting the thought of you out of me.
I was cutting the half of me that belonged to you.
I bled out the portion that reminded me of you.

Dad, I’m scared.
I’m terrified that I forgot a piece of you.
That inside me, somewhere, is a part of you growing.

I don’t want to hurt the ones I love.
I don’t want to ruin everything I love.
I don’t want to make anyone feel the way you made me feel.

I fear that I'll grow up to be you.
Ruthless, mysterious, alone, aggressive,
And a coward.

But
At the age of 18, I wasn’t naive.
I pushed you away.
I cut all ties.
I disowned you this time.

At the age of 18.
You created sons,
You created a family.
The one you always wanted一
You finally found the true meaning of love.

Your youngest daughter,
Marrianna.

one after the other
left right left right
faster, quickened footsteps
i can feel my lungs giving out

blood seeps from my veins
bruises scattered on my skin
you used to call them lovemarks;
once upon a time you told me you loved me

how did we get here?
i thought we were building a home of endless possibilities;
now all that’s left is a blazing carcass
my broken bones turning into ashes,
please lie down with me

you’ve caught up to me,
ran out of places to hide
but before you pull the trigger,


take me back to where it all begun

cuff my lips like the bile
you keep biting your tongue around

wrap up my limbs, painted pink
squeezing out the dissonance
and defiance,
oozing

the lengths you scrape my skin
sting like last week's argument
my throat's too wound to tell you
the soft you won't touch
burns

drenched and tripping over again for every man
who's set me on fire to keep his idea of my form alive
the sear of distaste like apathy

the bones of those who suffocated me with their suffering
don't fit inside this body anymore
i am bursting, every seam a corner to turn
sunlit, anxious, promising

watch me rewrite this flesh
like a salve

watch me reclaim this life
like salvation

circle circle circle circle
no corners yet I fall in
to the pattern each time.

each time I keep to my bubble
you just pierce the skin and I seep out
into your circle

circle circle I am gassed
can't breathe for myself

I think of you as a flower
albeit a rose with thorns but a flower still the same
But what you are is not a flower
or anything that grows or smells as sweet.

You poison me with you circle circle circle
circle until I'm sliding down the side only to sink as you open the shaft and throw me overboard.

Circle Circle Circle Circle
Circle I can't seem to keep myself out of your circle
circle circle.