I want to say that i’m in recovery.
I want to say that I’m getting better.
I want to say that i’m over it,
But it’s just relapse after relapse.
Hit after hit.
Line after line.
**** after ****.
I’m stuck in a circle of abuse.
But you’re not the one hurting me.
You’re not the one destroying me.
It’s the drugs
and the late nights.
And the lines.
I keep telling myself
“Just one more hit”
“One more line”
“One more night”
But every time I see you or the ice,
my addiction is back once more
and i’m left looking
for a high like the one i got from both of you.
The worst drug I’ve ever encountered,
is the one that makes everything disappear.
It makes all your ails go away.
It makes everything seem okay.
I could survive the withdrawals of ****,
but I don’t think I can cope with the loss of you.
I jump from obsession to obsession,
each more addicting than the last.
At first, it was an eating disorder.
Then it was cutting.
Then it was him,
the one I thought would stay.
Then it was Tina,
who destroyed me more than the others.
He was the one who showed me Tina,
and now he’s quitting.
But I am in love with her.
Appetite suppressants can be dangerous
when you have a history of EDs.
It’s so easy to lose yourself
when you are high as a kite.
It is so easy to drop 5,10,15,30 pounds
when even thinking about food
makes you incredibly nauseas.
It’s so easy to relapse into old behaviors
when you are fulfilling the dreams
of you from long ago.
This is another poem about drug addiction and stimulants
I gave myself to you,
but you broke me into pieces
just to cut lines.
Now all that’s left of me
are small shards.
Drugs won’t break your heart,
but you were my addiction
and you destroyed me.
Hands shaking constantly,
heart beating out of my chest,
mind racing a million miles a minute.
Unable to eat,
unable to sleep,
barely able to choke down water.
Pounds disappear from under my skin,
down almost 20%.
Random bruises appearing,
my cuticles always bleeding.
I want to say I don’t enjoy it,
but the euphoria is worth it.
My queen loves me,
my ice queen,