I loved you once,
And the promises you made to me.
A fire in my soul burned bright by your side,
But soon it fizzled.
Promises broken.
The love fading.
You became a sweet memory to me,
A could have been,
But will never ever be.

"I just want you to be happy." I type, my breath uneven, tears threatening to spill. I knew it was going to be her. It was always going to be her. I never even stood a chance. "So and so is typing..."

I want to pull away from this. From you. I want to just stop and act like we never got close. I want to act like you never became my rock. I want to pretend like you don't know how to make me smile
or laugh when I don't want to. I want to do this because I am afraid. Afraid of falling in love with you even when I know you would never feel the same in return. Afraid to get my heart broken. Afraid to once again get hurt. Afraid to put my faith in someone else. I am so afraid.

The humid air embraces us like a soft blanket. We sit inches apart with books in our hands quietly studying the words before us. Your cat crawls across me and we steal glimpses at each other. The air feels warmer, more enchanting. I can hear your breathing change when you reach a particularly interesting part in your book. I look up to see you smiling, your dark hair falling slightly out of your hat. This is the first time I have seen you still, at peace, since we had broken up. I continue my book. Soon, it is time to go. We hug and suddenly, overwhelmed by the familiarity, the certainty, I kiss you. You do not kiss back. The spell is broken.

Sometimes I just want to run until I don't exist anymore.

We smile into our text messages after planning a day to see each other. My fingers hovering over my phone in quiet hesitation. Any misplaced word could demolish the delicate balance we have established, "I can't wait to see you," I type. Anxious at his reply, wondering if I stepped too far over the line, I wait. I stare at the three dots, the endless three dots. Finally, I get his reply after about ten minutes, "Yeah, me too." I know, his fingers lingered too. He is afraid of throwing us off kilter too. Of making things messy. Of risking what we have so carefully built for just a single misstep of feelings.

It is hard to be just friends with someone you are in love with.

I was cold so you wrapped your body around mine. I was cold so you let me borrow your sweatshirt, each morning I would wear it and pretend it was you, wrapping your body around mine. My heart was cold and that way it remained, you withdrew your right to wrap your body around mine. I gave you your sweatshirt back.

I wonder if I will ever be warm again.

I feel like I am being pushed away by those I want to be near the most. Slowly but surely. No one really needs me. They don't want me. Their lives won't be any different when I am no longer in them. I will be just that girl who used to bother them. I am just a side note. An afterthought.  I am meant to be alone.

I never learned to hold back. When I fall for someone I want them to know all of me, the good, the bad, the downright ugly. Constantly, I am forced to withdraw, my soldiers told to retreat back into their forts, cease fire.

You told me you had feelings for me, my heart leapt at the chance to finally be open, to be free to fight a valiant battle. But then, as quickly as the battle progressed, it stopped, there was a lull.

You told me sorry, that maybe we should stop, that you don't see a future with me. That I should shut off my feelings. That we should be friends. You wonder why I can't just pretend like your lips never crashed against mine. Like our bodies never crashed together passionately like bombs exploding with every collision.

You make me feel like I am being unreasonable. You liked it better when I was understanding. When my feelings were unclear. But my dear, you were the one that fired the first shot when you decided to crash your lips against mine. When you decided again and again that, although you were unsure, to keep firing. To keep crashing into me.

Yet, you will wonder why I stopped. You will wonder when the smoke finally clears, why I stopped fighting for you.

I feel like I have been knocking on doors that don't want to be answered but are openned anyway because maybe people want to be polite, or they are curious as to why anyone is trying at all. I am an unwanted house guest that stays for tea once in awhile who, if lucky, gets invited back two or three times before the invitations stop coming, the door goes back to being unanswered.

I hope that one day I will knock on a door that wants to be answered. That this person will say, "Come in. Stay awhile."

I remember what you told me about her after you broke up. All these terrible things. How she was crazy.  I wonder if you say things like that about me now.

Don't look back, do not turn around, keep going. Walk. Forward. You can do this. You don't need him. You don't need that anymore. Think about the heartache. The panic. Save yourself. You deserve to be happy. You deserve so much more. You are not doing anything wrong by trying to be happy without him.  Just keep telling yourself these things so each day gets a little easier. One day you won't be sad when you think of him. One day you won't think of him at all.

Today I am exhausted physically also mentally, and my toes are cold. What I wouldn't do to entangle my body with yours. You are safe. You are warm. You are starting to become like home.

It was the first time I saw you in years, so much had happened in the time we took away from each other. You and I became different people almost entirely. Yet, even with that, you still took me in your arms and kissed my forehead just like you used too. I inhaled your peaceful air and breathed easy for the first time in a very long time.

I felt safe.

It doesn't feel right, letting you go. You letting me go. The thought of someone else touching your soul makes my chest tight.  I fear you will never let anyone back in. Please, let someone in. You need someone to anchor you.

I am terrified that I may always love you. That one day I will be happy with someone else and the thought of you will still make me sad.

I never thought you would be in my life again after everything that happened when we were young and stupid but here we are and I am so grateful.
Thank you, for picking me back up when I was so hell bent on being unhappy.
Thank you, for understanding.
Thank you, for telling me I have pretty eyes and making me feel beautiful.
Thank you, for being open with me.
Thank you, for texting me at 12am after not talking all day.
Thank you, for making me believe that I am worth someone's time.
Thank you, for making me believe I am enough.

He is one of my sweetest memories and one of my biggest lessons. And no matter what happened between us, he was my hero at one point in my life.

But he was also my downfall.

One of the most jarring things you will ever have to say is, "Yeah, I loved him once."

We sit inches away from each other sneaking quiet glances, cracking jokes, exchanging smiles. Our legs slightly touching, nervous excited energy filling the air. This is the feeling I have long forgotten. This is the feeling I hope to hold onto.

I used to say,
"Sorry, I'm not enough."
Now I say,
"Sorry, I'm too much."

Some days I hate myself.
Some days, I think I don't deserve to be happy.
Some days, I feel like people don't care and shouldn't.
Some days, I lay in bed and think of everything that is wrong and make it worse.
Some days, I get angry at people for not realizing.
Some days, my feelings get hurt more than I am willing to admit.

Not all days, though. Only some.

Go to work.
Listen to music.
Go for a run.
Hula hoop.
Play Pokemon Go.
Play Pokemon Yellow.
Lay down and stare at the ceiling.
Overthink.
No, don't do that.
Get up.
Message you.
Know you won't answer.
Go over friend's house.
You didn't.
Go home.
Overthink.
Give up.
Go to bed early so the day will be over.

There was a long period of time where I was not fond of my name.
My name was just an identity that was ****** upon me at birth.
I had no connection to it.
My name was just a phrase people would use to get my attention.
But when my name escaped your lips  I couldn't help but fall in love with it.

Saying, "I love you," isn't big enough for what I really feel.

I will always blame myself first before I blame anyone else.

You have just made it a whole hell of a lot easier not to hate everything about myself.

"It happened eight months ago. You should be okay by now. It isn't an excuse." I'm told after admitting I don't have the drive to really do anything anymore. I really wasn't trying to use it as an excuse.

Today I was going for a run,
It was beautiful out. The sun was hitting the trees in such a way that I would never be able to capture fully with a camera.
I had just gotten back from a family party.

I was thinking about it, who I saw, what went on, something was missing, someone was missing, suddenly I was not running anymore.

I was crying. I was hunched over trying to compose myself. I began to panic.

The words from his note, "I'm sorry" flashed in my head like police lights. What could I have done? I asked. There was nothing you could do. I told myself.

Each realization hit me like a bullet. Memories flooded into my mind. Just short beautiful moments.

I tried to push them back so desperately. I want to save them. I do not want to wear them out to the point where one day I will not be able to remember the crinkled eyed smile I loved so much.

I tried to catch my breath. It was no use. I couldn't.

I haven't been able to since September. I don't feel like I will ever be able to.

Almost eight months ago my grandfather took his own life and I'm told I should be okay. I'm told I should be able to go about my life normally.

"Okay." I respond.

I still expect your name to pop up in my open Facebook tab.
A message has been sent from so and so,
Maybe in reply to me,
Maybe with some weird picture you thought I would get a laugh out of,
Maybe just to say hello.
I know you won't.
I know it.

Even after we have not talked for some time
A part of me still expects you to be there.
A part of me hopes you still care.

Maybe you just became a habit.
Like every morning I make a coffee with breakfast and whenever I don't have that my entire day is thrown off. It has gotten to the point where I need that coffee in order to function. It may not be a good habit. I may be addicted to caffeine even. The point is that you are like my morning coffee without you I feel off.

I know that one day I won't feel that way. Like, if I did not drink coffee for long enough eventually things would be fine. Would it be the same with you? I hope so. But I don't think feelings are the same as caffeine addiction.

Words that were not meant to hurt me pierced through me like a million tiny needles filled with Novocain.
It was not really pain at all.
With those words replaying in my mind, over, and over, the circumstances slowly began to sink in. When I finally worked up the will I could not get my fingers to move as I tried to type my reply.

I was numb.

I watch his cigarette smoke swirl around in a graceful dance above his head,
My eyes drift down towards his face,
To my surprise his eyes meet mine.
Before swiftly breaking my gaze,
I swear I could see the future.

Messes irritate me.
Yet, I am a perpetually messy person.
Always cleaning the same mess
Over and over.

"The way I catch him looking at you makes me smile.
It is how a man looks at someone he is falling for.  
Your time will come, give it awhile."

As I drive I catch my eyes searching every face I pass by.
With some unexplainable longing I wonder to myself,
"Who am I looking for?"

I cannot put into words the sheer gravity of your soul meeting with mine.

There he is,
There he goes.
The shortest moment
Can be the longest,
You know?

Just a moment with you created memories that will last a lifetime.

Be careful in your interactions,
Kindness is scarce these days.
One kind gesture,
Could put an uneasy soul at bay.

Where did the romance go?
The dreamy eyed people,
With smiles that glow,
Have become endangered.

Why has the world become so listless?

It is frightening to start something new,
When you've been through hell and back.

When you're away,
It's comforting to know that we exist under the same sky, on the same planet, in the same universe.

Indentical Twins:
They have the same face,
But different souls.

I don't know you yet,
Personally.
But when I see your text,
My heart skips a beat.

When I see you will I be able to breathe?

You know how you  say a word,
Until it sounds as though it shouldn't exist?
The meaning has become blurred,
It can't possibly be real.

That is how I feel about love after all this time I've spent trying to figure it out.

I was out of the game before it began,
Handed a controller that wasn't connected.
It was just like I was playing,
The fault wasn't detected.

I barely know you,
Yet my words just spill out with no filter.
I want you to just see me,
Without a mask and a little off kilter.

Crushes are weird.

My memories are fading,
The damage has already been dealt
I  listen to love songs,
To be reminded of the way I once felt.

It's funny,
The things you remember,
When you're lonely.

One day you will find someone you just get on with.
You will bicker, you will laugh, and most importantly you will love.
Nothing will be easy,
Yet everything will be so perfect.

I believe in soulmates,
Watching Netflix,
And the playful fight that leads to,
First kisses,
And giddy smiles.
I believe that even the simplest of things can be beautiful with you by my side.

12:00am spontaneous hour long drive to Sonic,
With close friends.
The perfect tonic,
For an uneasy heart.

Everyone should be able to to feel,
Comfortable in their own body.
Because everyone is beautiful,
Their own special brand of hottie.