it started slow.
we said hi to each other when we walked into class.
then we started greeting each other outside of class.
one day, we talked about music and i started to notice the softness in your voice.
another day, we stood next to each other and joked about putting laxatives in the school water,
the laughter and agreement that filled the air felt fresh and new,
this day i noticed how beautiful his smile was when he laughed along with me.
eventually, when i walked into class,
you got out of your seat and walked across the classroom to simply tell me
good morning.
that's when it started picking up.
time felt warped and even stopped those few minutes i talked to you every morning.
today, you moved from your seat and sat next to me.
i hid my hands under the table,
i didn't want you to see them shake.
i tried not to look at you when you talked to me,
only looking your way when your eyes were averted and focused on your paper.
we shared earbuds today, you showed me Dio but i couldn't listen to it because i was too focused on the way your head moved to the guitar riffs.
when class ended, you asked for my phone number, you held your phone out with one hand and i accepted it with two.
my shaking hands held the phone as i punched in my number,
2.....1.....4.......4.....1...4..............it was torture,
i prayed that you wouldn't notice my hands.
cheers to new found butterflies.

i couldn't help but remember That day again.
"when you see what's going on, please text me."
how i called into work,
"my best friend passed away today. i can't come into work today.".
i couldn't stand up with wanting to fall back down.
i look up at the sky and ask you why?
why am i not up there with you?
why aren't you down here with me,
with us?
saying your name never got easier to say.
i didn't eat for days.
facing my family was the hardest part.
i wanted to talk to my dad about it,
about you.
i wanted him to hug me and tell me that you're still here,
looking down at us,
that you love us and we'll meet again.
i miss you dearly.

the confusion in your eyes when i told you
"it just takes over me out of no where. i can't control it.",
the way your eyebrows furrowed,
the way your head tilted to the left ever so slightly,
you force out a forced chuckle.
you're uncomfortable with my mental health.
if i remember correctly,
You told Me that i could come to you,
i guess you didn't think twice.
but i understand.

at a young age, we learn to feel compassion and to give hugs when someone is crying.
at a young age, our parents teach us to pat our friends on the backs when their head is low.
and i know you're repeating words that you think will help,
it's all wired in our brains,
i know.
"it's okay.
you'll be okay.
time heals all the pain.
everything will be
okay."
and i know you're saying it because what are you supposed to say to your depressed friend who claims that sadness owns him.

i forced a tight lipped smile, gave a couple "thank you"s and
i saw your face soften.

i physically felt my heart beat faster when our eyes met.
your smile made my face feel like the sun and i had a feeling you could hear my heart confessing their love to you for the hundredth time.
writing feels different,
my fingers tingle,
and my mind can't make up words that describe what you do to me.
i know for you it's all for fun
but i can't ignore the way our hands slowly make their way to each other.

i broke out in sobs.
everything was tinted the most beautiful yellow from the setting sun.
the windows were halfway rolled up,
i screamed.
i couldn't help but pull over and hold myself.
i hugged myself so tightly
until it began to feel like it was your arms.

then it came to me.
i was just sitting in class and it came to me.
i felt myself flying again.
i felt your weight off of me and i could breathe again.
i'm free from you.
i'm free.
i'm not yours,
i'm never yours.
i'm taking myself back from you.
it came to me,
the chains broke and i looked at you with nothing.
i feel nothing towards you.
i'm free.
i'm free from you.
goodbye.

i couldn't focus because of the rain running into the window.
oh how the world was literally gray.
i could see the trees and pavement getting wet from where i was sitting.
i wondered where you were right now?
was this rain your tears?
i wanted to hold you.
i missed the way you cupped my face in your hands,
how your eyes healed me.
the rain brought me out of my trance of you and brought back to my body, to this world
without you.

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i'm reaching out my hands to the night sky every night,
i don't know if you can see me giving you my heart but i'll do it until the end of my days.
your voice still sounds like honey and pillows.
your face is still how i remember it,
i remember falling in love with the chocolate brown color of your eyes
and how when you smiled your eyes shut tightly and your nose scrunched up.
so tonight,
like last night and the nights before,
i'm calling to you.
i smile saying your name and although there are tears of longing some nights,
i can hear you telling me to get back up again.
although i can't see you now,
i know that when our eyes meet again
i'll then know that this whole thing was worth it.

the future is terrifying.
just when i feel like i could do the things that i want,
just when i finally have the courage to start telling people what i want to do,
it crumbles down.

my vision was blurry again and the music playing in my eyes felt intoxicating.
my chest felt heavy and it was hard to come back from these feelings that were pushing so very far away.
the music and his words danced around me,
i feel so so dizzy.
i closed my puffy eyes and i saw nothing,
i couldn't imagine your face anymore.

and just like that, i became yours again.
i couldn't even remember your name or the color of your eyes
but i remember Love.
i remember our love.
if i close my eyes long enough, i can remember how your hands felt on the small of my back.
how you kept me warm and safe.
baby, i can't remember your name but i remember my heart skipping every time you spoke.
how i cried being held in your arms,
for they felt like nothing past or behind us mattered.
your embrace healed me and i became light in your chest.
i am forever yours.

god, the emptiness you gifted me and spoon fed me,
oh how i miss it.
how i miss knowing exactly how i felt,
how i miss how this emotion would fill me up like a water filling a glass.
never warm, always cold.
i dropped pieces of my heart in places that deserved it
and i gave some to people who i wanted to leave behind,
was going to leave behind.
thank you for that emptiness.

i can hear your voice echo through the halls of my mind.
sleeping is the only way i see you now.
whether it be a bright light in the shape of you,
or orbs in the color of aqua pearl,
or my favorite,
you,
actually you.
some days feel like december 18th again.
i'm wishing for you every chance i can get,
at 11:11,
on every star,
on every moon,
on every birthday,
on my birthday.
my wish is for you to come back
or to take me with you.
you're still here, right?
these anxious hands are wrong, right?
you haven't left us, right?

you.

you're just afraid of abandon.
you need someone to hug and to love you
and of course you need someone to hold you and your broken up heart and say "you'll be okay".

darling, baby,
please get a hold of yourself.
there are stars in your eyes and your hands are like fireworks when you create.

the moon, the stars, the sun, the trees, your family, your friends, the people you consider your saviors will be here after the fall
whether it be "just this once" or many other times.
they will be here to catch you and help you back up.

you will wake up one day and love yourself without a doubt.
you'll love yourself as you love others immensely.
now a warning now, okay?
you will fall again,
over and over.
life will never be perfect but honey, it's not supposed to be.
you have to learn to be your own hero because, and god forbid, one day you might have no one to save you.

you,

you will be okay.

i shouldn't love the way your hands trace mine so much,
i shouldn't love the way you lean yourself into me so much,
for love is a beautiful, great, big disaster.
i'll take the chance even if you grow old of me or i grow old of you
or we grow out of each other like pants or shoes do.
this,
my thumb rubbing our intertwined hands.
this,
your eyes that stare way too long for me to get red when you call me sweet words.
this,
your blush clustered cheeks.
this,
how we hold each other.
this,
how i promise you i will never grow old of you.
this
is a love catastrophe.
it's grand, it's big, it's beautiful.
i want to live for you.
i want to take you to art museums
and picnics
and cheesy movie dates.
i drowned myself in your utter perfection and drank forbidden wine as i thought of how we'd end up.
our love isn't a disaster,
it isn't a tragedy,
it's a celebration.
the way we love and feel is art and it smells like cake and feels like warm laundry.

i held pictures of my youth in my hands as i felt my bedroom carpet making designs on the backs of my thighs.
nostalgia,
something that i live off of,
something i can talk about for centuries.
i could talk about the trips with my grandparents to mexico and europe,
how i loved their rv with corduroy seats.
i could talk about the circus and how my parents took my sisters and i every year,
how i begged for cotton candy and cried as i was reminded every year of how beautiful elephants are.
or i could fast forward and talk about the things that are too small to remember like being on google earth in my elementary school's computer lab.
or the smell of the library and how i adore the feeling of the wooden chairs being pulled from the carpet underneath.
i held pictures of my youth,
all baby hairs
and pigtails.
nostalgia,
how i miss it.

for the second time,
my mother left us.
it went by so quickly but the only words i can remember were
"this will be the last time you see me."
you don't know how words like that from your own parent effect you.

for the second time,
my mother broke my heart
but this time into pieces that can't be put together anymore,
too little and too shattered for me to want to attempt to try to mend it back together.

for the third time,
i know that things will never be the same.

for the "time i can't even count because it's been so many times",
i don't want to be here

when i was younger, i used to take naps when i was sad,
i still do.
it was an escape of reality for me,
i didn't have to think of anything.
it was a break of everything for me.
sometimes, i'd dream of something,
other times, i'd dream of nothing.
i liked dreaming of nothing.
when i dreamt of a white room or complete darkness,
that's when it really felt like a break.

i got used to writing sad things.
i would post my short stories and cry writing and rereading them.
for years and years, i let the blood run down my arms,
reopening wounds that i covered and tried to forget for the sake of making something.
i used to believe that the sadness that was woven into my existence was All of me,
the only thing that made me Me.
but i was wrong.
the way your warmth came into my sight and the way your hands gently covered my scars and wounds and bruises,
my sadness wasn't me.
it was until i met you that i began to remember what happiness and love felt like.
i still flinched at an open hand but you were the only one who reassured me that your hands would never harm me or anyone.
your love was never questioned by the dark clouds in my head.
on my darkest days, i would remember your love and i would open my box of Us and remembered that there are people out there,
there are people out there who love without the pain that "needed" to be inflicted.
everyone would say that they'd die for the people they love.
but no, not me.
i would Live for the people i love.
i spend most of my life wanting to die because of others but no, not you.
i would and will Live for you.

don't leave.
my pain in your heart will not last forever.
i will love you so greatly that the touch of the sun on your cheek will make you forget.
even if it's for a moment,
lets forget.
close your eyes and imagine yourself happy,
imagine yourself in a meadow of flowers and love.
i promise you the world isn't dark.
put all your worry and sadness onto my shoulders if it's too much.
i would give the world to see you happy again,
to you smiling so much your cheeks hurt.
so
please don't leave.
the sky is beautiful and when it's your time, you'll become a star in it
but it's not your time right now.
you should be here,
they need you here,
i need you here.
there will be light again,
even if it's for a few days.
it'll remind you how colorful and wonderful this world is with you in it.
one day,
through all the bruises and scars,
you'll wake up and be happy you did.
please don't leave.

there was something so comforting in the way you held your coffee mug.
the same coffee mug your father drank out of when you were being raised.
you watched him drink from that coffee mug morning after morning.
now,
now you held it with graceful hands,
holding it firmly and close to you.
you'd grip it with both hands now.
you would never tell me but i knew that when you held that coffee mug,
you were a little girl again.
you were the little girl that ate waffles every morning, surrounded by the smell of coffee from that mug and you loved it.
every morning felt like home and you found comfort in holding your fathers mug.

there was no doubt that my parents loved me.
of course they'd hug me and tell me they loved me when i was a small child.
but the universe shifted and we all know the hell that was brought upon us for those dark years.
everyone changed and i tried so hard to hold onto what we all had.
but i couldn't.
my parents stopped hugging me back.
there would be silence when i told them i loved them.
i began to lock myself up in every way shape and form.
i wanted you to come find me, mom.
i wanted you to hug me again.
i just wanted you to look at me, dad.
please just lift your head up.
where were you when i was crying?
there was a point where i didn't care if anyone heard me,
there was a point where i didn't care where i was.
even if you were standing right next to me as i bawled my eyes out,
where were you?

i remember my older sister asking me when i'd be ready to come out the rest of my family and...well, everyone.
i didn't know the answer to that.
the tone of her voice still rings in my mind,
it made me feel like who i was a burden to how she wanted to live.
i know she meant well but i told her i didn't know,
i didn't know when i wanted to come out to everyone and tell them who i am,
how i was still the person they knew.
i still don't know when i want to tell everyone.
the fear inside me rises at the thought.
i'm afraid of losing my friends,
being shunned by family and parents,
i fear for the roof over my head.
when the time does come,
i hope everyone that i was afraid of telling welcome me with open arms.

as i peeled an orange,
i could smell the smell transfer onto my hands.
the tangy scent mixed with the vanilla air and it took me back.
i could see my father peeling my 6 year old self an orange that we bought at a market that was filled with every fruit and vegetable.

it's amazing how books can make you feel. i feel like i'm being suffocated by words,
how does that even happen?
even in this room filled with screams, it feels like nothing compared to reading the words,
'i love you".

i think i'm deserving of something good.

i walked, ran, and stayed in hell.
i forgave people who hurt who hurt me.
at a very young age, my entire world collapsed on top of me over and over again.
i still remember hearing the judge tell my parents about the word 'neglect'.
i remember everything.
i remember the house shaking and i still hear the doors slam and people yelling if i close my eyes long enough.
i can still see the police men outside the front door.
i can still feel the punch that winded me.
i relived everyday three times, twice if i was lucky.
i've been used and been told that i am the reason that god never listens to me.

but i think that i deserve more than that.
because i wasn't those people who hurt me.
i hurt myself but i'm not my parents or my siblings or the mean people at school who made fun of me.
i forgave everyone and am trying to forgive myself even though i know i did
nothing
wrong.

so why?

don't i deserve to breathe? don't i deserve something good?

thank you for sharing your heart with me.
i knew the minute from when we met that we'd be forever.
forever,
as time goes by i convinced myself that it didn't exist until i met you.
i know a lot of people see our relationship as too much but it doesn't matter.
i'll forever love you.
you have the key to my heart.
i thought i'd be sad my entire life.
but having you here,
with me,
reminds me that there's still good out there,
the good will always outweigh the bad.
i'm forever grateful that we crossed paths.
i can't imagine a world without you.
you're my soulmate,
you're my forever.
thank you.

i needed air,
i needed to breathe,
i needed someone to tell me that i'm okay and i don't need to feel so anxious every morning.
for i,
i feel like crying because i'm me,
because i'm here alone,
sitting with these demons that call themselves my friends,
my gods,
my saviors.
my breath hitched rereading these words,
i felt my heart clutch,
and my brain was exploding over and over again.
i need to breathe,
not even being outside can do that anymore.

i miss your smile.
i miss how'd you understand me without me even saying a word.
i miss the way your eyes would turn into half moons when you laughed.
i miss that too,
your laughter.
i can't stop replaying that day in my head.
i keep trying to forget but i feel sadness being hung over me,
it's hard to pretend it's not there lately.
to this day,
and until the end of my days,
i'll always wonder what i could've done,
if i could've loved you more than i did,
if we all could've loved you more.
it's been a year since you've felt the grass in between your toes,
or threw your hands over your mouth to muffle your laughter,
or getting to see how things would've turned out differently.
i'm trying.
i've always dedicated everything to you but i hope i'm making you proud.
breathing is harder some days more than others.
i hope you can visit me in my dreams soon,
give my arms a squeeze,
tell me that you're okay up there.
don't forget to save me a seat next to you!
i promise i'll have so much to tell you when it's my time.
i hope you found your peace.
i love you dearly and i would do anything to see you again.
my moon,
my reason for breathing,
my everything.
i miss you.

the best words are those written in tears.
mine are written in reopened wounds and the scars on my heart.

strawberry milk and the smell of elementary lunchrooms is so innocent,
so happy.
i can still hear my friends voices and see us standing in line.
cold classrooms and science rooms that smelled like yeast and vinegar.
backpacks filled with notebooks and folders of work that seems way too easy now.
you wonder where it went from friendship bracelets and recess benches
to
divorced parents and homework that makes you stressed to the point where running your hairs through your hair in the shower only to see how much hair you're losing.
those sweet berried flavored milks seem so far away.
you can't even touch food anymore,
it's not a "safe" food.
where did you go wrong?

i kept reading.
i read about 365 degree vision,
light,
feeling free of all feelings and only feeling calmness,
of how some saw their loved ones,
and i felt better about all of this.
i kept convincing myself that in the end,
it would be all okay.
please forgive me.
please forget me.
i want to find peace.

it doesn't matter how much i write about it or cry about it.
it's over and that's okay.
it's okay.
i will be okay.

i miss the pier.
how the waves crashed on top of each other,
becoming a mirror for the moonlight.
i remember closing my eyes and listening to a street performer playing his guitar,
i let every note he played fill my chest and for a moment i forgot how sad i was.
i wish i wasn't that sad when i was there.
oh how he played so passionately,
he knew he stopped time as his fingers picked the strings.
i miss the pier.
the smell of seawater stuck to my clothes and under my nose,
and for once
i loved it.
i remember sitting down on the steps and watched everyone smile and hold each other close.
i just wish that was me.
so many people showing their talents,
i called them beautiful
and i never wanted to leave.
the smell of popcorn and funnel cake surrounded the air.
i felt like a kid again.
the world stopped as tears slowly flooded my eyes,
the water,
the music,
the laughter and smiles,
the talent.
god, how i missed the pier.

i could feel the corners of my eyes start to water and soon enough,
i couldn't see that well anymore.
i hugged myself because  no one else would.
sister,
i'm sorry for crying on your bedroom floor,
i just couldn't hold it in anymore.
it feels like all the happiness that was inside me has turned to grey and i can see myself reaching out for something that i'll never be able to reach.
even my little sister asked me what i wanted to do with my life,
as if i know.
how do you know i'll still be here to see that,
to actually live that?
because i don't know.
and the same questions make me shift my seat
and come up with an answer that sounds like a murmur or a grumble.
last  night, i thought about it.
how will i make it to september?
how will i live long enough to feel free again?
i don't think i will.

our foreheads touched.
i could hear your heartbeat and i was nervous and afraid that you'd hear mine yelling how it beats faster when you're near.
soon,
i could feel the tip of your nose on mine.
your heat being transferred through
one
simple
touch.
we couldn't look at each other in fear for worlds crashing,
making thousands and millions of stars.
instead your hand slowly slipped into mine,
my heart blooming with every possible flower of every color and shape.
our cupid's bows planted on top of each other ever so slightly.
i wanted to back away,
i wanted to do this again,
over and over.
i wanted to give myself to you over and over again.
we touched and we loved.
i fell into your touch and fell even more deeply in love with you.

me, moon, a 13 year old young boy who ate happily and had eyes filled with love and dreams,
had stretch marks.
me, moon, knew they were there but started feeling ashamed when someone pointed them out.
me, moon, a almost 17 year old boy who now passes on dinner and lunch and breakfast.
i ate two rice cakes a day and feeling the lemon water i religiously drank make it's way down my throat, splashing around in my stomach made the corners of lips turn upwards.
me and food have never held hands.
we never closed our eyes at the delight of the smells of cake and food made by my mother.
for when i was hungry,
i remembered my mother telling me how thin i look and how pretty i looked.
i wanted that all the time.
so,
me, moon, doesn't give into food.

i waited for That moment.
That moment where you realize your worth,
your purpose.
the morning sun creeped its way through my curtains,
reminding me that i spent yet another day biting my nails in the anxious wait for That moment.
i fall asleep to train sounds,
i dream of going far, far away.
these sounds are the closest i'm going to get to That moment.
for today,
i realized that the last missing puzzle piece to the complicated one color puzzle that is named me,
is myself.
my soul,
my mind,
my sanity,
my lungs,
me.
i won't feel or understand That moment until i relive my whole life,
feel all the emotions from others and myself,
in my last breath.
i could hear the birds chirping and this flower path i'm walking on leads to light.
light,
it's beautiful and simple and
i'll see you there.

i want to write about you forever,
i want to write about us forever.
i'll try my best to keep us alive,
even if it hurts
because right now,
i can't let go of you,
of us.

i'll write about the first time you told me you loved me,
about how my heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest when you simply smiled,
about how the love we shared and gave each other was real and will forever mean something to me.

and although my heart was blue sometimes,
and when your words cut deep into me,
i can't seem to let go.
not yet.

tears streaming down my face,
my heart aching,
i ask everyone,
"how do you live?".
the lump in my throat never seems to go down.
the growing and growing sadness in the pit of my stomach and in my heart and contaminated every part of my body.
my body hurts when i try to move it
and my lungs don't feel like expanding anymore.
i'm at the end of a line.
so,
how do you live?

i miss you.
it's not even noon and i feel myself getting consumed by the sadness of your absence again.
i miss you.
once again,
the world has reminded me that you're no longer here.
you're so far away and there's no way that i can tell you that i love you with the guarantee that you'll hear it.
the sudden longing and sadness doesn't hit me like a wave anymore,
instead it just consumes me slowly,
knowing that i'll let it happen.
it eats at me like dripping water on paper,
slowly but surely.
i miss you.

tomorrow,
i've been waiting for this day for months,
for years.
and it's here.
all the hurt and pain has left my body and for this day,
for tomorrow,
it'll be like it was never here.
love and happiness has filled my veins and my inch of my soul.
tomorrow,
wait for me.

that was it.
that was the last of your voice.
i need you here now.
i need you right now.
please tell me that there's more of your voice,
that you're still here with us,
with me.

i played the keys in the sky in hopes you would hear me.
i laid out notecards of things that would make you proud of me,
all in order,
all for you.
your voice will always sound like the sun,
whether it be on the hottest day in texas
or it be on a beautiful autumn day.
i know that since your presence in my dreams is gone now too,
you're finally up there.
all light and peace and happiness,
living without fear or anxiety
or sadness.
just visit now and then okay?
do you promise to change streetlights that aqua pearl color again?
do you promise to make yourself near enough to feel your energy as a hug when we need it?
i read in books that it's really nice up there.
let my little brother hold your hand,
let my grandmother make you food.
please be happy up there.

did she tell you how my heart tells me i'm a boy?
did she tell you how i cried when i told her about my parents,
how i could barely breathe on the other line telling her how much i would shake feeling my house collapse every time they would yell?

did she tell you about us?
how i was always nervous to hold hands?
how distant i would be when things were bad?

did she tell you about That day?
that godforsaken day.
did she tell you how i said words from my heart that you called *******?
or how i kept saying that i couldn't do this anymore because she was holding me down.
i can't listen to music without thinking of her,
did she tell you that?

god, i have no more secrets and she knows every corner and part of me but will never look me in the eyes again.

my skin has been stripped and i lost myself giving her parts of myself and i feel like i have nothing left.

talking to you,
i felt at a loss of words.
i was banging on the wall but my hands just...
won't.
i don't know how to talk to anyone anymore.
poems turn into writings and writings turn into novels and i don't know why.
my brain and hands feel mine but like they're not here.

i always heard that it's good to take a step back and look at everything.
so i did.
i realized that my life is Not color and pink skies.
it's full with people whom i call friend who don't bat an eye if i fall,
full with family who laugh when my heart bleds from their words,
full with trauma and thoughts that haunt me and hold me back without even me realizing it.
i want to be free from all of this.
i've tried painting the canvas white over and ove yet buckets of spilled paint seep through the binding,
never letting me forget of everything i've tried to run from.
i don't want my life to be color anymore.
if this is living, i don't want it.

dear moon,

oh dear, what have we got here?
don't cry.
i mean, it might feel nice to laugh about it now.
so delete it all,
the pictures and messages and screenshots.
delete it all if it makes you feel better.
switch to another account and pretend like nothing happened,
if it makes you better.
you keep telling yourself that you wish he would just say what he means,
look at what you're doing.
do what you want until you feel better,
you might forget for a little bit.
you might want to fly away into the storm,
you might succeed in doing so.
anything to make you forget for a little bit.
you still have his message though.
untouched,
unread,
you're going to have to respond sometimes.
so many excuses, run away for a little bit, make yourself forget by putting the silk cloth over your face, tell yourself that no, this isn't real, just for now.
but he's still there.
it all still happened.
stop trying to run away, moon.

the dirt on my palms and knees got harder to wash off,
the skin under it turned red from scrubbing.
my arms ached and it hurt to stand up straight.
i say it all the time but
i wish i could have a hug.
on the hardest days,
the days where i'd walk home crying,
it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on,
someone to hold me.