i used hate the way i would be awake at four in the morning.
i remember the way everything used to feel so haunting and scary.
there were no words to describe how deep inside my mind i would sink into,
scared and afraid of no return.

but now,
oh now,
i love it.
i fell in love with the quiet.
there was no more worry or fear.

it's my birthday.
i cried last night of the thought that i really made it another year.
the rain seemed to push me down so hard and i can't believe i'm still here.
walking with my friend yesterday,
i looked at her,
just by looking at her,
i knew that i should be here.
in that moment,
i knew i wanted to stay.
it's birthday and i'm --,
another year of breathing,
another year of crying,
another year of smiling,
another year of feeling like i was nothing,
another year of loving,
another year of me.
i don't know how to feel this year about myself yet
but
i'm here and that's all that matters.

tell me if this is really how it's supposed to be.
there's withering flowers hanging from my ceiling that remind me of you.
i've forgotten my voice without you.
it doesn't have to be this way right?
the rain up the road follows me home and taunts me with thunder that makes me feel alone.
i see your face in my ceiling fan and when i'm trying to sleep at 4am,
i can hear your voice echo in my hallways.
tell me if this is really how it's supposed to be.

i've always suffered with acne. i've written about it before. but yeah, it started really in 7th grade. it was one then two then a whole family then before i knew it, my face was red and bumpy and it hurt.

i've tried everything. i really mean it. every home remedy, every recommendation, every tip, every product on the shelf and a few online. nothing's really helped. throughout these years and i'm now a ------ and i still deal with it. because of my acne, it's taken a huge toll on how i view myself and how i feel about myself. i used to hate myself. i would only look in the mirror once every day and that's to put on makeup to cover scarring and acne that's still there.

i hated myself. so much. i wouldn't go out. my parents, specifically my mother, had a lot to say about my face. she would point it out even when i had makeup on and it made me really insecure.

now, i think differently. i'm currently breaking out because i ate a small piece of meat. (which i don't really do, because i don't eat meat anymore. i did it for reasons which isn't relevant right now lol) so yeah, my face is red and bumpy again. washing my face with my eyes closed, i can really feel the pimples. it made me feel disgusting for a moment. but i had to remind myself that it's okay. i'm different now, i don't really care if i break out anymore. of course, i still feel a bit insecure but i don't hate myself because of it.

i still feel like i did when i wasn't breaking out. seeing my face like this has really been a sign for me as saying to myself:
1. don't eat meat anymore, under any circumstances/situations
2. it's okay

i'm okay with my acne that i had in the past now and i'm okay with the breakout i'm currently having.

i still have fight left in me.
on the darkest days, your voice never failed to lift me up.
maybe i'll fail,
maybe i'll still fall in the future,
but i want to keep going.
the growing light and love in me that's caused by your warmth
has kept me going until now
and forever.

i had to keep reminding myself that things would be okay.
that even if things aren't okay now,
they will be,
eventually.
after another long, tiring day,
i pat myself on the back.
i felt my muscles ache from doing so but knowing that you're here for me was enough to make me feel better already

it feels like it's all come to an end with me.
thank you for loving me and showing me how beautiful this world is.
for i remember the first time seeing you,
meeting you
and how i thought someone could be That perfect.
for i remember love in this house,
festive seasons and all i could smell is my mothers perfume when i felt like i could hug her for universes.
for i remember all the moments i had like These,
so low i couldn't feel any of that anymore.
so i say goodbye, most likely.
god, don't worry
i received your messages over the span of these years and i get it now,
please save a room up there with my name on it.
j, i'm coming to see you now.
i should have never made that promise last december.
i'm coming to see you now.
friends, thank you for loving me even when i could barely use the four muscles in my face needed to smile at you to simply say
good morning.
i'm sorry.
i'm sorry for getting worse all these years,
i couldn't be the person you needed me to be and
i'm sorry.
oh i'm sorry for coming into your life with the impression that i'd still be here after we all turned --.
but i'm leaving now,
i will join stars now,
and be at peace now.
thank you for loving me.

on my cheeks there are constellations of periods of stressed times,
of bad times,
that i couldn't stop the picking.
which,
yes, i know mom,
it makes it worse.
but my hands wondered as the days grew longer and that anxious feeling sat next to me like a trained, loyal dog.
my hands wondered to the places on my face that made me feel less than,
my cheeks.
i closed my eyes tightly as i ran my hand over small bumps and big bumps and bumps that hurt and bumps that i wouldn't let heal.
i cried for hours on end.
my mother made me try every product on the shelf,
oh how i remember the sound of the cash register ringing as my mother paid for another product that i knew just wouldn't work.
but still i tried,
and i tried every home remedy that i could find on the internet.
tomatoes,
crushed up aspirin,
green tea,
lemons,
limes,
bananas,
and toothpaste.
oh the toothpaste how i thought it would work.
how i woke up the first night and found burned acne scars from the toothpaste,
oh the toothpaste.
i touch my cheeks now with closed eyes,
no bumps except on bad days,
smooth skin,
i don't cry anymore because of it.
but when i look into the mirror i see dark spots of where those bumps laid,
i am still a sky full of constellations
and i'm learning to be okay with that.

and they told me they understood,
but they don't.
they don't know but i can see the growing fear and concern in their eyes when i said
"mama i wanna die."
and if my last breath were today please know that no matter how much i planned for this day,
my death wasn't planned.
cause it comes and goes you see.
there's something,
someone,
hanging the want for life in front of my eyes and there are times where i desperately try to grasp it,
but dad i just can't anymore.
it's not your fault.

i couldn't feel your love even if you told me you loved me a million times.
i couldn't feel the euphoria i was supposed to feel when smiling or laughing anymore.
i'm sorry to keep breaking your heart but my mind was still made up even when recalling "the best day ever" to try to convince myself that this life is worth living.

cause it's not,
for me.
i knew since the day i was born that this was a mistake.
god, made a mistake.
i'm not supposed to be here,
at all.

so send me off peacefully.
clean out my room and move far far away and call it
"starting over".
i know it'll be impossible to forget your son,
your friend,
your brother,
but please,
try.

i just wanted to sit down.
sit down and breathe.
i don't know where but i want to be alone too.
i'll let my mind roam,
get bigger and small again.
i'd forget about everything,
my life,
my worries,
my past,
my future,
everything,
i'd forget it all and breathe.
it'd be like the first moments when i was born,
unaware and unexpierenced of all the pain and hurt that i once knew.
i just want to sit down and forget.

i did what they told me to.
i sat down,
closed my eyes,
and breathed.
in,
out,
slowly,
repeat.
in this silence,
i felt the weight of That days,
all Those days,
on my chest and shoulders.
i played music,
like you said.
half opened eyes and tears rolling filled the acoustics in my bedroom.
i breathed,
as if it wasn't already hard enough.
i heard and felt my heart breaking over and over,
slower and slower with every breath.
it made me want to stop breathing at all.
if this is what you call "helping me",
i don't want it.
the silence rings in my ears.
i can see myself reading and rereading headlines and texts.
the denial i felt,
the emptiness i felt.
oceans of sadness and grief washed over me, i wanted this to be my end too.
i wanted to stay in bed for as long as i could,
i wanted to drown in my bedsheets and muffled sobs.
i did what they told me to,
to breathe.
i don't want to anymore.

i love how ridiculous we are.
i love how when our eyes meet, it's not a staring contest but to see who'll pull away first.
the blush that grows on your cheeks is in clusters.
you let me hold your hand.
i love how ridiculous we are.
wine glasses filled with apple juice,
strawberries,
little sandwiches that i'll be too nervous to eat but i would for you.
i would eat for you.
i love how ridiculous we are.

it's september.
your eighteenth year,
already!

no, it's not 2016 anymore,
nor any year before this one.
you are safe.
it can't hurt you anymore,
they can't hurt you anymore.

their voices are so foggy and muted now,
look at that progress you made!
you're not breaking anymore because of that one day in math class
or the words they said.
look at that progress!
you haven't forgotten
but instead, you've wrapped all of it up in a blanket and held it tight close to you.
you are okay.

sailing it away was bittersweet.
it was all you knew but it's so far away now,
how can it help now?
it never did before.
let it go.

and now, the now, the present,
whatever you want to call it,
is Here,
it's now!
you're afraid,
oh, so afraid.
but hey!
you are okay.

the unknown isn't a dark tunnel anymore.
it's an open field with roads paved into them by people from before.
follow one or make your own.
either way,
you will be
okay.
remember that.

things hurt sometimes.
the rain get too much some days and your clothes feel heavy and your skin feels too tight again.
i see you hugging yourself when you're around people.
you're okay.
you've grown so much that you Know it's okay now to have bad days.
the storm leaves,
it always does,
remember?

you are light,
you are love
now.
you're great and okay and hopeful.
you are worth so much more than you think.
keep telling yourself all of this.

you are light,
you are love.
you can move on now.
don't be afraid.
i won't let go,
i will be here when you fall and i will be here when you fly.

so keep growing.
grow!
go!
move!
it's possible!
look at how big this world is!
grow and love and love and love
and
love.

now grow.

i woke up from a bad dream and the first thing i thought of when i woke up was
the strong want of wanting to hear your voice.

i was told by many that i don't really write when i'm happy.
i've always shrugged off the comments but now that,
i can confidently say i'm getting to a place where i'm mentally and physically happy,
it's true.
for words don't flow out as smoothly.
i want to cherish these moments, feeling the warm sun on my skin and smiling so much my cheeks hurt.
i want to hold these moments close and these moments are hard to describe in words other than bluntly saying them.
i woke up this morning and the sun shining through my window felt like a hug,
i didn't want to disintegrate into my sheets anymore.
i looked in the mirror,
i'm obviously breaking out but it doesn't bother me.
for i've even called my constellations cute and i've accepted them.
eating is slowly starting to feel okay,
very slowly but surely.
do you understand now how i can't put these small things into poems?
they are just what they are,
beautiful.
and if i don't create because i am this way,
then so be it.
for the first time in my recovery,
i want to live in the moment.

dear me, dear you, dear moon,

it *****. i know. growing up with the family you loved has been broken. you're so young, i'm sorry this all happened.

feel it but don't let it consume you.

don't pick up the blade. use your words, your friends love you. i know you feel alone even in a room of people, it's okay.

it's okay to not be okay. you don't have to be mean to yourself, moon. you're so young. i'm sorry.

mom and dad should have hugged you more. mom and dad should have been quieter.

i'm sorry it all went down this way. i know it seems like the universe is mean and i know you feel like a mistake, but you're not. you're wonderful and Okay. you'll be okay. i'm sorry.

i know it's all ****, it'll be like for a long time. years. but you'll pull through.

spoiler alert!!! you find your soulmate. you have friends again. you're growing and most importantly, you're okay.

i know it was hard to grow up in this home. i know they made it harder than it should've been but, keep your head up. i know it's hard. i know. you're so young, i'm sorry.

the constant war in my head couldn't bring you back,
what could i do to bring you back?
you're so far away from me
yet so close.
if i reached my hand out to you,
would you take it?
can i turn back time to when you were here with me?

"where are you right now?",
she asked me looking straight into my eyes.
i felt like i could cry in this moment.
i didn't know where  i was.
although you were right in front of me,
you sounded far away.
"bring yourself back."
i felt myself slipped more and more away,
my existence and sense of reality melting from my fingertips while my mind stayed,
stayed here.

i wanted to be okay with everything.
i wanted to be okay with the fact that i outgrew you and how even though i bring myself to tears thinking about Us,
this was for the best.
i want to be okay with the morning sun and the rain,
i wanted to apologize all the times i spent looking at you with tears in my eyes or crying and yelling at you,
for you're here when no one else is
i should love you for that but can't yet.
i've hit rockbottom over and over again,
the fall is starting to hurt less.
i've shook hands with who i used to be,
letting them take over me so many times to the point where if i want to be in control i don't know how.
i don't know who i truly i am and that scares me.
the music made my ears ring and i wanted to disappear again.
i feel like i could fly away at any moment
and now,
i'm not scared if i do.
i swallowed the lump in my throat, hoping to get something out of it.
maybe i would be able to stand back up.
i can't.

i think i just wanted my innocence back.

i can't get my first kiss back.
i've been touched and approached and pursued in ways i didn't want.

i just wanted my first times to Anything to be special.
i wanted my first, real lover to stroke my cheek with their hand and i wanted to kiss them for the first time under the stars,
i want butterflies and no doubt.
no doubt, no fear,
just butterflies.

i can't unfeel his hand on my leg.
i wanted the first person to touch me in Any way to be someone who i love, who i trust.
not a ball and chain, not a push and pull.

growing up in a shaking, rumbling home,
i've seen people come and go.
i've heard the cries through closed doors and the yelling on the lawn.
this was love.

i prayed when i was young that maybe i could get something different.

there was one night when i got home from work.
my family was getting ready to go to sleep while i was just barely taking off my shoes.
i dragged my body up the stairs and into my room where i leaned against my doorway.
it was thanksgiving.
my older sister began telling me everything i missed and i began to relive my work day.
something in my chest began to feel heavy.
and once again,
i needed a hug.
my mouth felt zipped,
i couldn't open it if i tried.
i remember slowly falling to my knees.
still in my work clothes,
i began to cry.
oh how badly i wanted to spend this holiday with my family,
oh how badly i just wanted that day to be over so i could consider it the past.
the present felt like a sharp pain in my chest.
i closed my eyes as tears made their way down my face.
in that quiet, painful moment
i felt arms around me.
i let myself go completely.
the silent tears turned into sobs as my head dug into my older sisters shoulder.
she rubbed my back and told me i did good, that she was proud of me,
that i did well.

it's the color of your soulmates lips.
the color your cheeks get when you blow out your birthday candles and you feel happy,
actually happy to be alive another year.
it's the color of your morning coffee.
the color of your skin and how you love the way it looks in the sun.

i swear i was a tree in my past life,
for the way their branches dance in the wind,
i can feel that in my bones.
i want to dance with them too.

i am a piece of the blue sky.
there are parts of me that are sad like dark clouds that are about to cry.
but there are also parts of me that are as bright as the sun and sometimes,
if you capture my eyes
you can see galaxies and universes in them.

i love the way you lean in to touch my lips with yours.
the way your hands fit perfectly into mine.
how your voice sounds like soft pillows and the crisp crunch of autumn leaves.
the world is spinning for us,
soley us.

one minute phone call.
"i just wanted to hear your voice."
the permanent uneasiness that resides in the pit of my stomach,
i couldn't feel it anymore.
the corners of my lips turned upward.
i said,
"i missed your voice.".

i felt tears run down my cheeks as i thought about everything once again.
how the events in my life lead me to this point in time.
how i am the person i am because of my past and the people in life.
i don't know what this feeling is but i'm feeling.
the lump in my throat grows and climbs upwards to the point where i just stare at my ceiling,
mouth opened,
tears running down my face,
i'm paralyzed in this moment.

i deserve to be happy.
it's taken a lot to finally say that.
i wish time would stop.
i wish i could breathe without worry.
there will be a day where i'll wake up to wind chimes and waves softly crashing,
and this is enough for me.
these tears,
these tears are tears of acceptance and this is enough.

god and i heard you slamming doors and hitting walls.
i was made paralyzed with fear and worry of what's next to come.
i am only -- and the only "future" i see is looking down at my family and friends from the sky,
sitting on a cloud,
shining at night,
making it rain from my sadness of not being there anymore and the sadness woven into my existence.
i, moon, am not supposed to be happy.
everyone has proven that to me.
everyone has beat me, "loved" me, pushed me to the edge.
but i understand now,
yes,
i know now that i am not supposed to be here.
-- years of my life and all i got was signs that this was a
mistake.

i lifted my head and shifted my eyes to your face as you called my name when you sat down across from me.
i felt myself leave my body.
my vision became blurry and all i could see was your mouth moving.
i asked you if you could repeat that again.
"how are you doing?"
i answered with a long, extended "Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum."
the words couldn't come to my mouth,
i couldn't form a two word sentence.
my eyes wandered the ceiling,
like i was looking for myself to come back.
then i answered and you began to talk.
i got closer to your face to read your lips but every word i ever knew left my memory and everything was white.

i tried to breathe without by my side.
although we weren't conjoined at the hip and you didn't know what my favorite color was,
we were a part of each other.
i can still see your eyes turning into half moons,
and i still remember the way you laughed and your mannerisms.
you're in everything i do,
in everything i say.
i try to breathe without you but it hurts too much and i've come to the conclusion that i can't breathe without you.

it all came back to me.
the way your rings hugged your fingers.
i remembered the color of your eyes and how they have little specks of gold and hazel in them.
i closed my eyes and it could your hands in mine,
how they fit so perfectly.
you'll always be my soulmate.
our red string had be tied in knots but we'll always cross paths.

do you remember when we shared the same shade from the same tree?
our sweater covering the grass we laid on together,
sharing earbuds,
listening to songs that made me feel like we were the only people in this universe that mattered.
that day was so perfect.
we were
and you still are so
perfect.

today, i cried in class.
not even  your presence or hugs could fix my breaking heart and soul.
i tried doing the coping skills my counselor taught me,
but my breathing only got heavier and the voices in my head were louder.
people used to call me strong for still living,
still getting up in the morning,
still going to school
despite this demon and drags me back to That dark place.
but i'm not "strong" anymore,
i can barely lift my head from the palms of my hands and when i do, i look at them,
wandering why i ended up this way.

i liked the way the sun hit your face.
i could see the acne scars you talked about,
the ones you had when you were in middle school.
i fell in love with it all.
you closed your eyes and sat back.
i counted your eyelashes,
saying i love you every time i counted one.

i looked at my hands closely,
pinching the skin covering bone and calling it fat.
looking in the mirror for over half an hour after i shower makes me want to disappear in my bed sheets again.
i stared at my open refrigerator only to pour myself a cup of lemon water,
calling my eating habits a "cleanse".
i put my hands up in defense every time my friends tried to feed me and endlessly offer me their food.

i don't want it.
i don't know what my goal is.
i want to feel okay in this skin.

i want my mom to take back every comment.
i want my little sister to think before she speaks when she's angry at me.
i want brendon, my first grade crush, to take back what he said to my face in second grade.
cause you see,
i remember it all.

i remember my mother calling me fat like it was a bad thing when my first grade thighs couldn't fit into my hannah montana jeans.

i remember brendon telling me he liked me until i started to get fat.

i remember every time my little sister has told me i have no friends and that everyone leaves me because i'm fat.

you're not coming back,
are you?
there are times where i'm laying in bed and for a moment,
a split second of time,
where i forget that you ever left the earth.
but then it hits me again.
That day and Those messages and Those headlines and all of Those horrible emotions
and i remember.
you're not coming back,
are you?
for there are no words or actions i could do to make you walk the earth again.
for i won't be able to hear your voice or see your chocolate brown eyes for a long, long time.

i don't feel loved.
right now.
my heart has closed their doors to any emotion other than self hate and every horrible possibility that ends with everyone leaving me again.
i've sat alone and been alone.
i don't want that again.
but right now,
my heart doesn't feel Love.
i can feel it shrinking and hear it weeping.
i wish i could feel love.

there are starting to be more times where i want to disappear.
abandon all these materials and leave.
i want to be by the ocean,
i think feeling her waves wet my feet and the sand beneath them will cure everything.
the moon talks to me at night and if i'm lucky,
i'll see him during the day as the skies begin to look like an artist's palette.
he tells me, "it's okay. we'll see each other again. just not now.".
and my heart breaks when i close my eyes to rest and i don't know why.

i forgive you.
i'm sending this letter to you through the energy wave lengths that will stay between us forever.
it took a lot of years for me to that i'll forgive you but i'm ready to close the chapter of my life where your name is still printed in.
the mountains i climbed for you to love me where never enough,
the nights i begged for you to not treat me like the gum under your shoe were not worth it.
one day i hope you make peace with your demons like i'm learning to now.
you will always have a piece of my heart,
and no matter how much sadness and anger rises in me thinking of the treatment you gave for years,
i will treat you with kindness and love.
you have no place in my life anymore and that's okay.
i hope one day you can find that happiness you were searching for.

i looked at you
in every light,
in every angle,
in every mistake,
in every perfection.
i had to convince myself that we aren't for each other.

it all just felt like summer.
not summer when you're older but summer when you're a kid.
for me it was running after the ice cream truck,
playing soccer in the park and when i'd get too hot, i'd pour water on the back of my neck.
it's eating strawberries while watching cartoons with my siblings,
waking up early to go to garage sales with my grandmother.
it's all of these things into one big, great feeling.
it's a ball of of light inside that never stops growing.
these things,
these memories,
i hold onto them so tight,
stiching them to my heart as a guarantee that they'll never go away.
loving you feels like this.
but you surpass all of these things that i hold close.
quicker than a heartbeat,
i'd exchange all of these if it meant that we could stay here,
with each other.
loving you feels like summer.
not summer when you're older but summer when you're a kid.

i woke up again.
this morning filling my glass with anxiety.
my limps swung, hung over me, and held me down.
i felt my heart turn into an anchor,
why am i feeling so much pain when i was okay yesterday?
i was laughing yesterday,
i was smiling yesterday.
those silent moments with both myself and my friends,
wiped my smile away as my sadness sat with me and sunk into me,
caught up with me.
"you're not supposed to be happy."
i don't want to be like this forever.
i'm banging my fists on the walls of my mind and on my walls,
in frustration.
i woke up again,
wishing i didn't.

arms in the air,
they fall so effortlessly,
so gracefully.
eyes closed,
i feel my body turn into the spring air,
feet moving in every direction
like the world was mine and every step i took made it.
my body moved in the direction my heart pulled it at.
i felt a smile grow onto my face as i let the music notes in,
as i let their voices in and fill my veins with elation.
as i feel my heart closing in again,
my steps and arm movements become softer.
opening my eyes again,
i'm back on earth,
every inch of my body tingling with euphoria.

you.
puppy eyes.
you.
a smile that cured my sadness.
you.
a presence that made me feel okay.

i laid in bed almost every night,
fighting with the night sky named you.
i tried to comfort myself with the thought that things and myself would never be the same again.

for when it rained on saturday,
i couldn't say i enjoyed it.
everything reminds me of you which is okay,
but it keeps hitting me that you're

not here.

i did it.
weeks of staying up and crying out of frustration,
taking classes online,
learning myself.
it all paid off.
for you.
i hope you're proud of me.

this is for you.

born not from here but here when you're 19 years young.
starting a new life and that's when you met my mom.
both young and in love and before you know it,
it's wedding vows and wedding bands,
then it's hospital visits and here we are.
i remember holding my baby sister when she got home from having her,
and i remember your mom, my grandma dying.
you sat in the yard, beneath the big tree that whole season.
i met her Once and i have a scar to prove it.
my cheek met her glass table and you were too in your element to be bothered by my blood gushing wound.
years and we're grown.
we're all grown and you look at your creation and the life you've created and i hope you feel pride.
until, things went bad and the house began to shake from your voice.
all that anger kept inside boiled like the beans you'd religiously make every night.
release, release, release
until the horse finally broke and everything you've built came crashing down.
do you remember when it was all too much for you?
i remember sitting behind you, holding bags of our hot food,
we're at a red light and we're all sitting in silence still not digesting the horror of the past four years you created with your other half.
but it's too quiet and i see it hit you like a truck.
wheel gripping and not afraid of crying,
Vulnerable and here and the most raw i've ever seen you till this day.
sadness turned into anger turned into hatred into resentment and anger and hatred follow and circle and pump the blood in your veins.
do you remember smiling for that picture of you holding me and my older sister?
i don't remember it but you have to remember.
i looked at your hardworking hands and on the left is your wedding band.
silver or gold, i don't remember but it's there and looking at that picture,
it's so foreign.
it's like those picture games where you have to find something wrong, something that's not supposed to be there.
do you remember being married and sharing and building a life with someone for over 17 years?
do you remember it crumbling down?
do you still feel that sadness and boiling anger you felt when you were finally released?
it feels like you'd be relieved but you never spent a second to spew that fire towards us and everyone crossing paths.
but i pray for you.
i used to hate you and curse you but now,
i pray for you.
there has to be a day in this life, that hopefully, you just feel peace.
i hope one day you wake up and there's no hurt, there's no anger, there's no revenge,
just peace.
one day, you'll feel like you have it all again.
one day, you won't need to act tough to protect yourself from .....
well, from yourself, from emotions that i wish would just leave you alone.
one day, it'll just be
peace
and
peace
and
peace.

the sea looked so endless.
i woke up seeing blue hues.
it was early and quiet,
these moments made me feel like the entire world was asleep,
even the earth herself.

the printer isn't working,
or maybe it is
i'm just not doing right.
me,
not knowing if it's the printer or me who's in the wrong.

i love you beyond infinity,
around the moon two times,
around saturn,
and touching every star on the way back to you.
i love you.
i love you because with us,
we are never cold,
only warm.
flowers blossom when you're near and i swear life before Us didn't exist.
i love you more than anything.

i came in afraid. three years plus some of being afraid. no kid should live like that but it happens and it happened to me.
three years plus some, entering a new world. "these will be the best years of your life.", they told me but i couldn't help but imagine what life after death would be like. i came in afraid.

year two and i wanted things to get better but then i lost him and it was like a hurricane. my heart was ripped out of my chest and my papers have tear stains on them.
four years plus some of imagining my next life. this year was the worst. counselor offices and confused faces of adults who just didn't get it. my lowest of the low. yet i still stand.

i came in... well still afraid. 360. i remember sitting there and it all came to me. it all became clear and the thunderstorms above my head, the war in my heart,
Quiet. i see light, i see it all. i see me. warmth. closure. forgiveness. light.

i made it now. unafraid. i heard them all scream my name as i walked with pride, as i walked with my head held high in front of my entire class, in front of their family and friends.
i
made
it.
the thunderstorms seemed so far away, they still do. i am strong. i am light.
i made it.

you'll always be the one.
although we never touched hands or met eyes,
i can still feel you even though you're not here anymore.
you're my stars,
my moon.
the reason why the earth spins.
but i still feel empty sometimes.
i can't feel you sometimes.
proving to the sky that this is for you gets tiring sometimes but that will never stop me.
you're my best friend.
there's letters in my closet written to your name.
notebooks filled with bundles of words that have captured your existence,
as if it could.
sketches and paintings hung up that are you,
they're trees in the morning,
the sky hugging the world,
flowers in hands,
they're all you.
you'll always be the one.
and until we meet again friend,
i love you.

so i've said earlier that i wanted to put together a book and i've finished it but i wanna print out some copies to give to my friends and family. but it turns out that it's actually pretty expensive lol, so if it's too much to ask for, even a dollar would help!

thank you,
moon

the hardest days i remember me falling to my knees.
my head would ache from staining my pillow with tears
and mind felt so heavy that i couldn't speak.
i kept my eyes closed,
still feeling the weight of the world on my chest.
with my eyes closed,
all the pain mixed together,
one thing didn't feel more painful than the other.
but that day ended and passed and i can only recall it in my memories.

i'm moving away soon.
whether this "soon" is a month or years from now,
but i'm moving away.
i've learned to not let other's insight on My future effect me.
my future smells like coffee and it sounds like the sea.
it looks like calm sunsets and feels like fire by the fireplace.
it smells like autumn candles being lit in the spring.
chopin playing as i calmly live day by day.
i'm going to move away.

her hands ran over my back,
drawing patterns that i knew meant
"oh, you don't even know yet,
the world is so big.".

day 2,
the world feels like it's ending.