you locked me away with my loneliness
took my hope and shattered it to pieces
ate my love
****** it out of me like a vortex

it was not for you
it was not yours to take

you threw my trust into the abyss

it was not for you
it was not yours to take

help me
he hurt me
your lips left a black and blue necklace
i didn't ask for you
for it

you did not conquer this body

it was not for you
it was not yours to take

this loneliness is withering me away
you are a beast

this body never belonged to you
and it never will because

it was not for you
it was not yours to take

The war started slowly, and then all at once the battle raged on.
Serotonin against synapsis,
a battle to the death,
a savage fight to declare victory.

one day it will all make sense
it will make sense why i cry tears of a phoenix that seem to fix everyone but me
why i breathe fire and scorch everything i touch
why i have to be locked away in order to one day be lovable and suitable for this world
this world that is trying to destroy me as i stand by submitting myself to its wrath

This perfection
at my finger tips ebbing closer and closer
circling satellite numbers inside my head
55, 47,42,38, 35,29, 28, 24, 20, smaller, smaller, smaller
This is all that matters

Brittle bones
accentuated hip bones
bruises smatter over transparent skin
like a painters next painting that found a home in the dumpster full of could haves

Flat stomach
Ya, celery is my favorite food...
and I can't seem to get out of bed

Sunken eyes,
but I don't do drugs

Perfection is so close
Numbers
Smaller and smaller
Flatter and flatter

I left behind the person I used to be
She is waiting on the other side
with open arms

If this life is ended too soon by my own hand there are some things that I want to make sure you know;

I loved you so painfully fields of flowers became nails that I picked in order to two by four you and I together forever

I hated you so lovingly that I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be comfortable in my own skin when I was always under yours.

I will never forget the summer the sky fell on us, how the purple and black storm clouds thundered through the valley and all you did was stand drenched in the rain looking at me like I was the only one capable of keeping you dry, while I was crying ****** mary for a break in the tears from the sky.

I hope you never forget these things either, the way you sniffed me and called me vanilla, or the way you pleaded me to love you in a sarcastic tone, knowing that that was the only thing I ever wanted to do.

Falling in love at 15 is a silly thing to do

I cannot protect you from this
and oh how i wish i could
you will be confused
you will be angry
you will be hurt

but this is not about you baby boy
you have not done anything wrong

I cannot protect you

not like you protected me

my body was giving into the darkness of my brain

and now your body is giving into itself

nerve by nerve

muscle by muscle

you are fading

you have lost control

you have lost your freedom

and that is the saddest story i have ever told

“Homesickness is just a state of mind for me. I’m always missing someone or someplace or something. I’m always trying to get back to some kind of imaginary somewhere. My life has been one long longing.”
-Elizabeth Wurtzel

There are some things you can't refute
like how all babies are born with blue eyes
proving, even before they are born
they are trained in the beauty of taking their time
or how jam and jelly aren't the same thing
even though they are made of the same parts
or how someone will always be the second choice

There are some things that you cannot refute
like how your father left you
so you picked up the ax and taught yourself to be a man
swinging at trees and taking life into your own hands

It's not that these aren't simple truths
these are facts
things you cannot refute
like the way I feel when I look at you

This one isn't about you or
about us
about how you filled me to the brim
letting me overflow and drown in myself
This one isn't about you or
about us
about how you could only *** when I had my back to you
spilling out of yourself and into me
like I was an addict, you my ******
This one isn't about you or
about us
maybe if repeated enough it will become the truth
This one isn't about you or
about us
about claiming my body as your own
casting aside my heart and my mind
It isn't about you
It is about me though

there are rocks in the pit of my stomach

the ones you put there

maybe you were hoping they would help me drown

Slipping through my fingers like that of sand through an hourglass
The flame of life is being smothered
And it may not feel real
But i wont fall i will not open this flesh
I will hide the pain inside
Never to be seen
Until it is a scattered masterpiece of me

I don't want to write about sentimental ****,
not about how your eyes were the color of the ocean at dusk or how you are
made up of stardust and moon beams
Let's be real, you and I were never about that
You and I were about ***
we were about the backseats of cars, broken condoms, and plan B
drunken stutters of affection pushing between colliding hip bones
nauseous mornings filled with clipped recollection of what may or may not have occurred
We were never about those three little words, we survived on two
but even "*******" held little meaning
cuming from you
You and I were about chipped teeth,
separate bills for the meal of the last girls heart
I sustained myself on what you could give me
and you ate me dry
You and I were never about "we"
You and I were never that gullible,
you and I were never about sentimental ****
like flowers and poems.
You and I weren’t,  
But I was.

You met my shadow
A monster that has been lying dormant for years
Just waiting to come out and take over

You met my shadow
The thing I tried so hard to hide and protect you from
Because I knew it would scare you away

You met my shadow
“She” appeared from the deepest hell inside of me
When I felt my world was crashing down
Taking advantage when I was weak

You met my shadow
For that I am sorry

And I don’t blame you because
When “she” comes out of the darkness
All I want is to run away too

I am not using her as an excuse
merely wanting you to understand that “she” is not me

I wrote a poem for you the other day
but ill never give it to you
just like i wrote you a letter everyday that i felt your memory swipe at my brain stem that month of june

you left foot prints when you walked out unknowing that i could follow you
but as time wore on the foot prints began to fade and you began to as well

Nevermind that

I have a thing for the tops of mountains
I like to stand on the hood of my car and let the wind chill my spine as i wait for the next thing to happen
we are always waiting for the next thing to happen

arriving like students on the first day of school
arriving like 1 a.m.
arriving like you never did

and at first I thought i could fix you  

I thought i could fix you when he threw me into that car
I thought i could fix you when he called me a ****
I thought i could fix you

and then i began to think that you were fixing me

but i dont think the grunting acknowledgement i got everytime i told you something from the darkest pit on the left side of my body is really considered fixing

it was just nice to say the nightmares out loud

I dissolved into a ****** wrapper in a landfill
cracked my ribs open and invited you in

sharks cant live in the air and we cant breathe in water

but i

i breathe you

And you touched me like i was acid
like i would burn your skin if your finger tips lingered too long

I wish, baby

cause then maybe we wouldnt have dragged it out this long
maybe then you would have run away like i did every time i closed my eyes

we were not human we were clothespins airing out our cloaks of emotions on the line

We were strung up like telephone wires fleeing one city for the next in hopes of a fresh start

I wrote yes on my forearm and no on my hand

They say it is a silent killer
but I have never heard a din so loud as the chemicals consume my brain
the voices in my head screaming for more
coercing my conscience

"just one, wait, that wasn't enough, a little more.. just a little more"

over and over
the cycle repeats
again and again

My heart is racing
my body is numb
I exhale
all the hurt
all the haunting memories
gone

over and over
the cycle repeats
again and again

"just one, wait, that wasn't enough, a little more.. just a little more"

you're eyes are a hurricane in the distance waiting to strike
like a fierce gail force wind blowing in my face
knocking me on my ***

since then
my demons have crawled down my throat and nestled their way into my very being
i have regurgitated all happiness that once clung to my body
and siphoned the hope out of my heart

i have spent entire nights calculating how many mg's it would take to reach the brink but not step over
and wondered what it would be like to free fall into oblivion

i have been hospitalized three times
and drawn my own blood countless times
hoping that if i practice enough i could create a masterpiece

i have also found atomic love
the kind that rattles your bones and draws you closer to the sun than you ever thought you'd get
but bombs tend to detonate and i broke my own heart

i have made my mother cry begging me to eat
curled up in the bed next to her and cried until i fell asleep

since then my world has shifted on it's axis
and come to a complete halt
.

Do Not Touch, she will shatter.

We were drunk off of each other for so long neither of us recognized that it was becoming a problem.. Until the day we quit cold-turkey. Sobriety is measured in twelve steps
1. Admitting that we could not control this compulsion. You were the finest whiskey to ever touch these lips. That burning mmm so good down my esophagus. I can still feel your embers glowing in the pit of my stomach. You admitted to this addiction and moved to the next step leagues ahead of me.
2. Believing in a power above to control this addiction. I was never one to believe in god, but you were never one to not believe in the best.
3. Turning our lives over to the hands of a greater power. Neither of us were very good at just letting things happen..
4. Serious inventory of our moral selves. Cutting back the vines, burning down the walls, opening sealed doors, I offered myself up to you. Secrets of ***** bruises arouse leaving you speechless. I never meant to make such a production of ifs, but you would never let me deeper than the first layer of slick rock.
5. Admit our wrongs. According to you, nothing you ever did was wrong. This is where I closed the gap. Admitting it was wrong to read your mind.
6. Willing and ready to let go of the errors of our ways from our lives. You had to teach me how to let go, after my father taught me people leave so you better hold on tight until your knuckles are white and veins full to bursting. Taking cues from the trees you let go any time your roots got cold.
7. Humbling ones self. I will always vouch for the under dog and humble myself to the size of a mouse. But you stand on mountains and claim to where skyscrapers on your feet.
8. Making amends with all those we have harmed. My list would fill the sky with names of the victims of my assaults, slowly dropping stars from the abyss to make room for my wrongdoings, each burning out in a shooting explosion of light as they forgive. There is only one name on your list and I am still waiting..
9. Direct amends without hurting another. Now we are all mixed up because the truth hurts
10. Constantly self inventory and admit to wrong doings. You separate yourself into so many pieces that I am surprised there is any self left.
11. Praying for the will to have power to carry out and continue ten previous steps.
12. Spiritual Awakening. You are still asleep, I left you behind after step 8 and I am still drowsy.

I saw you last night
I tightened my jaw and averted my eyes
But not before I sympathized with the plaid shirt hanging from your hunched shoulders
Those buttons that have been replaced with my teeth, chipping away against your sternum
leaving me with a skyline smile
I saw you last night
I smiled
You acted like you had seen the sun set on this city a thousand times

all these words are spiderweb tangled in my head
I can't seem to string them into a coherent strand of letters
spelling out how much i love you

sshhhhh
slow down
everything is moving at a mind numbing pace
I can't tell where I am anymore

this body feels like a vice
growing tighter and tighter
the madness is coming back
my brain is swelling and my skull has no give

all I can feel is my body shaking willow branch in the wind
I can't type fast enough to get the smatter of chaos out of my head
this isn't a poem
this is a frantic plea of distraction

I just need the pill
it's sliding down my throat
ten minutes is a life time when you are counting the milliseconds

here it comes
relief
the swelling is reducing
the wind is dying down
everything is coming into focus

Four letters
that's all it will take to erase this nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from

Four letters
that are straddling this abyss between us

Four simple letters
that I keep praying you will say

Baby,
Please
Just ask me to STAY

You were my foreword.
Everything that happened between us those four years were before the chapters began.
Every word leaned on the previous, piling together sentences that would sculpt the story
Stacking syllables to create a foundation
Counting apostrophes to prevent grammatical catastrophe.
But One was misplaced
And the tale compiled uneven
Backspace doesn't exist in this
And the story line is still not right

you stumbled into my life with a mouth full of forevers
and now here i am writing about you because forever ended too soon
it ended with an i love you but you want too much
it ended in tears and fists full of I'm sorries

my soul is suffocating
as your cold hands clasp around it
finger by tightening finger all of me is fading

I am screaming out but no one hears me
my throat is becoming hoarse
my stomach is shrinking
everything i was is withering away

i have watched the sunset in your smile a thousand times
and i have watched it set a thousand and one
because the last time i saw you was the last time the sun set and i haven't seen it since

A. This year I will no longer be tangled top sheets,
soiled comforters, or stained mattresses.
My blood runs clear and the extra year made me a little harder to ****. I started kissing boys on corners who had girlfriends, being someone we would never imagine of me and I bet you never expected ***** to run through these sober veins, couldn't handle me after four shots and you are inebriated by the alcohol seeping from my pores.
B. I started the year off kissing a bottle, not you
and
you ruined it, left me behind, a newborn still unsure how to walk unstable and unbalanced on tender feet.
you ruined it, left me to fend for myself among the wolves of the world,
C. It took me 907 days to learn how to love you in the way you needed it, this gestation was the slow decline of everything that defined me.
No one ever told me that each person needs love molded to them
so on the 909th day when you left, i had just perfected the sculpture, didn't have time to show you before you rushed in, knocked it on the floor and were gone
D. that is how we ended, shattered splinters of clay, scattering mosaic beautiful on the floor.
tied tongues and upset stomachs from too much alcohol and too little sleep
E. this is how we ended, strangers lips and foreign bed sheets
we went out like a poem if only I could find the right words

Teach me in the art of letting go
Your blue eyes only just met mine
in a collision of ice
frostbitten and screaming
behind long lashes
but they said you knew of abandonment
of being left behind
so, teach me in the art of letting go
of moving forward
of standing alone
teach me in the art of letting go

Maybe begging you to stay was the reason

it was 5:30 a.m. and you told me I wasn't the one

and all of these poems are ******* and have nothing to do with anything that is going on in my head

but three months ago I tried to **** myself and you wouldn't answer your phone.

when you saw me the next night you told me everyone has bad days.

With beer in hand and stagger to your walk I believed you

Cause you were right,

everyone has bad days, I would never deny anyone of that

even my bad days are better than others

I have never had my stomach pumped,

I have never drank till I have passed out

I have never been in a car accident

but I have tasted the cold bitter remnants of what love was supposed to be after swallowing one too many pills

I have opened my skin in the attempt rid my blood of you

I have stained sheet after sheet with what I thought beautiful was,

still all I can hear is you preaching that it's just another bad day

Do not tell me that was the end

the contempt has finally left my body

and I am ready for the beginning

There is a species of Jellyfish that is immortal

deceased people can still get goosebumps

blind people do not see the color black, they see nothing.

these are the facts that I read as I try to distract myself from thinking about

how you called me three times last night

begging me to answer

hearing my phone cry into the silence my hazy margarita mind has created

facts, facts, facts

immortal Jellyfish

goosebumps

blind

I didn’t answer, I pressed decline and rushed to the bathroom

to gag your memory from my stomach into the porcelain bowl

I fell asleep on the bathroom floor

i awoke in my *****

wishing I would die

with goosebumps

and blind to what was happening to me.

It is said that the soul weighs 41 grams
this means that of my 68,038 grams my central existence only makes up .06% of my whole being
leaving 99.94% of me bone and flesh
I am made up of strangers
of dust and dirt
of the leftovers…

you used to look at me like i was the only thing that kept your heart beating
you used to hold onto me like you were scared that I would walk away

look at us now

you look at me with disgust
and flinch at the thought of grazing my skin

you left on a wednesday
with a fire in your soul
burning everything in your past
and never looking back

simmering coals in every footstep that you took
we became your ashes
and you had no use for them

replacing us with ***** and blow
your mind was consumed with the next fix
and in no time at all
she walked into your life...

This is my theory of emotion.
It ruins you
Extracting bone marrow pain
Rubbing my every inch raw with your calloused and greedy fingers
This should be considered an emergency cause this **** don’t heal the pain
Popping pills of what ifs on an empty stomach
With the full knowledge of the inevitable bile rising into my throat
Acid gnawing holes in my stomach lining and revolting the truth
Spreading through my body like a parasite
Feeding off of my flesh and bone
Your consumption will be the end of me

I keep my sneakers by my bed in case i need to run away from these nightmares
the ones where the ghosts of my past come chasing me down
clawing at my skin to get inside of me
forcing their way down my throat to consume me

i keep my sneakers by my bed so my nightmares can't catch up with me

it's a production
a pirouette into ptsd
a bone biting oblivion
a comatose cry
a shattered glass masterpiece

it's a production
this living with monsters calling your name

it's a production
a sold out performance
of silent dancers longingly gliding across your brain

The last time I saw her she was playing tic-tac-toe across the cement with her own blood
her spine curled over herself in an attempt to contradict all that she felt.
Her blood was still blue from the lack of oxygen she felt trying to be acceptable
She fills her body with substances to abuse
Filling the void of a long forgotten memory that still trickled down her spine in a subconscious dance
I was four years old when she took ahold of the ghosts living inside her tearing at her tendons and shot them to the stars.
but only to come back and fill her with darkness
The next time I saw her she had taken the form of a beggar on the street, my mother told me to not make eye contact
yet there was something about her that made me pull a quarter from my back pocket when she wasn't looking.
Sometimes I saw her in myself,
the ghost I predictably would become
The last time I saw her she was playing tic-tac-toe across the cement with her own blood
her spine curled over herself in an attempt to contradict all that she felt.

A.
Plates.
When colliding with wooden walls thrown from hand that have had enough
even in this weakness you show strength.
B.
Bones.
You have broken 27 bones, had six surgeries, and tasted deaths lips twice
Each bone grew back strong and imperfect after splitting from its whole.
I manage to find beauty in this recklessness you made of your life.
C.
Pencils.
I kept losing my pencils, so you always carried an extra
when I left school for the second time you
took that stash and made a production of snapping each one like you claimed I snapped your heart
D.
But hearts don’t break,
they become misshapen with every trauma named you
and still manage to pump the blood that I draw from behind its curtain with shards of that plate you shattered
This canvas I want to tear myself from is what you once loved
cushioning your bones from life’s recklessness,
and I now realize those extra pencils you gave to me
were what you considered a consolation for always taking pieces of me

the obvious: how to love someone

how to keep your hands from shaking when the boy you like asks you to dance at your first school dance

how to hold shut the dam of tears that are threatening when you see your crush kiss your best friend

how to hold your head up when your world is crashing waves straight to your heart

how to wait patiently when all you can think about is that text you are hoping to get at 2 a.m.

how to react when he touches you for the first time, and goosebumps scatter across your skin or how it feels when he kisses

how to recognize the ones that will call from the ones that won't

how to walk away from someone you once loved more than yourself

how to grow up when the world seems like it's against you at every turn

it started as an escape
a way for you to lose yourself
you don't need to disappear baby
but when the weight of life becomes suffocating
think of me

don't swallow that hatchet
think of the rainbow sunsets
the way the sand contours to your body
no crevice left untouched

don't drink that poison
it will slowly drown everything you love
watch the children running down the street
they still see in neon
the world hasn't lost its color yet

my mind has gone up in flames
all that's left of my soul is embers
"let it burn baby"
you say this like it's possible to escape the fire eventually

if they say blue fire burns the hottest
then i am as blue as the glacial pool we drank from a thousand miles away from here

i feel the fire encroaching
burning holes first in my stomach
up my throat like i am tinder
and then all i can breathe is smoke

it's in my nostrils
pouring out of my lungs
scorching my eyes
and then
then
i fall to ash

no one can stop this evil
the devil is crawling from the pit of my stomach
causing an aching throughout my bones

no one can escape the dungeon of my body
luring in victims
hanging them noose neck from my ribs

all these words and I cannot form a single sentence about you and me
it’s like you are forbidden fruit
the apple I so violently want to grab
the devil is egging me on
when there is a greater force begging me to recoil

you know I thought I had ruined it
You know
ruined you
But you never forgot how to love me
And when I love you slipped out of my mouth that night you said it right back

i wasn't always this way
i want you to know that
take it in
imagine me happy
imagine me full of life
I'm sorry that you didn't see that
I'm sorry that all you had was the destruction that i was

this would be the moment i would savor
running my fingers along your jawline
tracing the stubble up to the nape of your neck
up through your hair

this would be the moment i would savor
the second our lips grazed each other
your tongue slipping into my mouth
teeth nipping at my lips

this would be the moment i would savor
our bodies rocking in unison
the music pulsing in my ears and through my body
the way my heart was beating in my throat

this would be the moment i would savor

this would be it

This is what I see when I look at you,
someone that the world has beaten down over and over
yet this has only made you stronger instead of a victim

someone that has pulled himself out of the darkness countless times
only to have it make him brighter

I see someone who has been lost with no direction
yet created a map through the unknown to guide you home

I see someone who has fought
someone that gives his all
someone that loves so hard he sometimes forgets to love himself

I see someone that has the world waiting at his fingers tips
someone that deserves peace
someone I am more than proud of

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes