I watch her parting lips
form around tongue-tied mouth
waiting for the words to come
waiting to hear what she has done

I brace myself for what I am about to hear
astonished that somehow she can see through the cascading tears
a haunting silence fills the room
She says her time is ending soon

look
i know I'm too much
too kind
too curious
too sensitive
too emotional
but i will weather the storm
the one that is breaking between us
the one where i am too afraid that i might lose you i won't blink
for in that second i may lose you

look
you need to realize
everyone that came before you left
had an excuse
i will sabotage myself until the world rocks off its axis
but i will not let go of you

so please stay and the world will align again
and the stars will shine
and i will know that you are here

She is now all elbows and bird limbs
Eating her ever smaller
Hearing her cry in the night ****** nails on a chalk board
I want to hold her help her
Be the rescue swimmer in her ocean of tears
Holding for I am soft
Her daughter no fine specimen
A coward
A softy
Not once did she hold me
In seventh grade when I had my first kiss and he broke up with me for the girl with blonde hair and bangs
She said I was just too young
In eighth grade I fell in lust with a high school boy for the first time and ended it when I got bored but not before I gave him what i thought symbolized love.
I didn't tell her
In 9th grade I fell in love with a boy that would never be able to love me the way I wanted him to. But I stayed  for four years until I couldn't find any more of myself to break off and give to him.
She told me I would get over it.
I have a mother who the world made cold
And she had a daughter that felt too much
who she taught feeling was a waste of time

To you, I am sorry

I'm sorry that the demons in my head got so loud I lost myself in the noise
screaming nails against chalkboard just hoping you would hear me

I'm sorry that I became an unrecognizable splinter of who I used to be
clawing for you, just out of reach, from inside a locked cage

Now here I am with the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other
each day they are battling to see who I will follow

On the days that the devil wins
I spiral down into a hell I never believed in until now

On the days the angel wins though
I see a glimpse of the staircase to a heaven I always hoped was real

I want you to know, each moment I am getting closer to the top
It is no longer out of reach
And I hope you will meet me there

"Tap on my window, knock on my door, I
Want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore"

you sang me these lyrics as the car slide
ice skater triple axel
fumbled landing

the trees became massive
bigger and bigger
screams blurring my vision
i didn't know i could make the noise of an animal in agony

but he was silent
like he had already gripped the reality of what was about to happen
hurtling backwards now his eyes haven't moved from straight ahead
like a trance had taken him away
his spirit already gone

the car didn't make it
neither did he

he spent years in the pouring rain
just trying to make me feel beautiful
and i did when he looked at me
but i always belonged to someone else
and before i could come knocking on his door in the pouring rain

he was gone

I will swallow your memory until we meet again
in the future where your ghosts and mine align

I have grown up you see
in a limbo of half way there and almost here

and someday soon our opposite worlds will align

There's no name for this heartbreak
it's gale force winds ripping at my heart
it's fire in my eyes
it's a stone in my stomach

When i say there is no name for this heartbreak
i mean there is no more heart for you and i

How you kissed me today is what I have been longing for

God, how I had missed the taste of your lips colliding with mine

So, I took in that moment

I engraved it in my memory

And I will go to war for that feeling again

How can someone make you the happiest yet the saddest version of yourself?

Bile is rising in my throat

You threw me away like I was something to be ashamed of

Maybe I'm just a weak person

I couldn't get you out from underneath my skin

and I'm sorry I tried so hard

But, you were worth every second of it

I gave you parts of me that I don't think I will ever get back

I realized this the night that I drove to your house drunk and fell in the front door, vomiting I Love Yous all over the floor

and I'm sorry for that

but more so I am sorry to myself

for trying so hard to get love from someone who never intended to give it to me

you know who you are-

if you are reading this i am sorry.
truly sorry

If there is a god he will have to beg my forgiveness

- carved into a cell by a Jewish prisoner

I don't think I will ever stop holding onto the hope of a you and me
because love never made much sense until I met you
and I don't think time will heal the hole in my heart that was us

you're still a mystery
aren't you?

i still haven't composed a web of words for you
have i?

I haven't written about the time we went skydiving and i didn't scream
but when i did scream riding the roller coaster on the boardwalk
you made fun of me

i didn't tell you that the words got lost up there at 18,000 feet
and i haven't been able to find them since

I haven't compared you (nor will i) to the stars and the moon
but i will compare you to a bed of rose thorns
craving and drawing blood with the slightest touch

i will compare you to a stargazer lily
my favorite thing to look at

our heart creates enough energy to drive a truck everyday
and I chose to drive mine on a collision course with yours

take this
barter my soul
throw it in the trash
plunge it into your next victim
get it away from me
It's all ****** up
I don't want it back

And when you're falling are you going to scream?
Are you going to fight the air you are rushing through?

I will not go
I am in this
I am the warrior of the wars in your head
I am the colonel of the battle being fought
I am stoic in the bitterest of crisis
you will have to rip me from the soil i stand on
drag me away until nothing is left

Lately I have been taking showers so hot that they scorch my skin
leaving their mark on my body in every place that you used to kiss

Don't touch me
Wait, don't go
My mind has called the rebels and
I'm scared to be alone

Hold me
Quiet though
Wrapped in your shelter I feel like I'm home

I want to touch the ink that covers your body
ask you your secrets
search your gooseflesh skin

I want to sink my teeth into your perfect lips

I want you to **** the nectar from my sweet spots
tangle our hair into one

I want you to hand me your soul in a cloud

I want your jumbled teeth
and your tell me everything smile

We were electric
but then the breaker blew
how I wish that we could flip a switch and get that light back
but for now the lights have turned out and we must find solace in the dark
something I was always afraid to be alone in
because when a sense like sight is taken from you, all that's left is the unknown of what lies ahead

the words that stumble from your mouth
become particles in the air
have you ever told the truth?

let me ask you
what is 12 years worth?

I was raised on dissonance
watching the mental conflicts rage war in each of the human beings I am a product of.
they almost named me concordance so that I would never feel like I was the product of two failures
so that I would feel whole in a divided world
but from day one I have been an anomaly
loving pain but living with the fear of being hurt
this is why they named me variance
to teach me that growing up meant filling in the pieces
and that it was okay if each piece was taken from another whole to patch yourself together
I was raised on numbers
my first word was five
this number composes all human beings
five fingers
five toes
five vital organs
but none of them are mine.

-KZ

When someone loves you
Hold onto it
Hold onto it so tight you are a white knuckle warrior
And do not let go

She told me that she is the reason I am alive
like she takes the credit for the fight I went through

but what she doesn't realize is
she wasn't there when the electricity coursed through my brain
I woke up alone to a nurse shaking me, telling me I was ok
I couldn't dress myself
I was wheeled to the curb and into the trust of a stranger
I had to ask the cab to stop on so i could ***** in the street
she wasn't there when I couldn't remember yesterday

But she takes credit for the fight I went through

And was it worth it
to watch her writhing in pain as you extracted yourself from her veins
you had become all of her red blood cells
so she withered away to white

Was it worth it
to ripped the flowers from her throat as she sang your love song
you had become the words she breathed
so she became speechless

Was it worth it
to feel her claws against your skin
shredding her fingers just trying to hold on

Just tell me
was it worth it?

You know, I think that maybe you were the right person at the wrong time


maybe you were the right person in the wrong lifetime

Death is not always a body that shuts down

I have learned that it can also be watching the one that you love walk out the door

Maybe i was fooling myself when i thought we were invincible

Because now i lay here in this bed alone

And as i roll over to touch your skin

You aren’t there

we belong together
maybe as friends,
maybe as lovers
but god do i hope it's the latter

there are six basic human emotions
sadness, anger, surprise, fear, happiness, disgust

sadness:
always remember how powerful you are
you can change the weather with your tears
making the sky cry out and light up in flares

anger:
you can crash the waves with your anger
peaking at colossal heights
swallowing everything that gets in your way

surprise:
you could power our whole neighborhood with the light in your eyes

fear:
you quiver an 8 on the richter scale
bringing building to the ground

happiness:
your teeth are the stars and your face is the moon
I could stare at them all day

disgust:
papaya tastes like ***** anyway

You left

Like I was something to be forgotten

And maybe I am.
just another thing to forget

as the hickies slowly faded so did the memory of you
as the red turned purple against my skin your smile began to float away

how perfect it was
teeth aligned just so
fighting with your lips to be seen

and don’t get me started on your lips
they tasted like home
they were two glowing embers
and when I pressed mine to them they ignited into the most glorious of flames

and don’t get me started on your eyes
burning holes in my soul with your stare
you looked through me like I was transparent and had nothing to hide

then there were your hands
a godly creation
making me feel electric and alive at the slightest touch

as the hickies slowly faded so did these memories of you
as purple turned back to flesh against my skin your smile began to float away

my memory can no longer make out the seahorse shaped birth mark swimming across your thigh
the one you said was a good luck charm to rub every time you got nervous

i have packed all of our adventures into a box in the attic and broken the ladder so no one can climb up and memories cannot slide down

your hips sang songs bringing me to my knees calling
come back to me but

your mouth has become a cavern that I once wanted to crawl my way into
and now I'm standing in the sunlight peering into the vastness

and the dark is no longer calling to me

if I could here your voice once more
would my world come crashing down around me?
would I fall to my knees and scream at god for what he took from me?

these are questions that no one can answer
not even myself