I tend to lose days when my eyes stick, ****** Haze, I couldn't tell you the last meal I ate, or how many hours I've been awake, just that the days and nights have been a passing phase, no more than light change, I've always been a night owl anyway.

See my life started spiralling when she died and I cried hard enough, but not for as long as I need and now my heart is barely beating unless my lips are pointed at fire, and sometimes the flames are men 13 years older, sometimes the flames are tips of cigarettes and my own arm because I'm manic and driving and I'll barely feel it.

I feel nothing and everything all at once.

 Usually, this is when I tell you I met some boy who made my heart stop beating so quickly, when I would tell you how his kisses soothed my burns, but this, is not that story

I met a man who kissed softly, who touched with purpose but delicacy. Who tasted my soul before my body, and made his chest a place I long for... but cannot reach.

My hands hurt from pounding on the walls inside myself, I want to let him in, but my body breaks into shake, my body shudders at the idea of being left again, my voice barely makes out "I love you" before my mind starts racing with what it will look like when he leaves.

I drafted a poem the other night and all I could get down was that the poem I write when he loves me, will never be as good as the one I wite when he leaves, and I still believe that's true, no one has ever shown me a love beautiful enough to write well, or maybe I've just not had enough practice.

It's days like this that I wonder if I knew what time it was, would I still be thinking of you, if I knew what day of the week it was, would I still be stuck in your bed, with your smoke, and your smell. I can't remember the last time I felt so intoxicated without a line, I speed faster from your touch than the red bull and adderall, but love, I crash harder than 3 day binge when you leave

They say addiction will make you forget how to love, but you are a much more dangerous vice.

(n.) The low rumble of distant thunder
The sky soon shall shed its tears,
I sit outside I have no fear.
I imagine myself on the pale hot shore,
wiggling my toes in white sand,
laughing at the idea of rain.

What numbskull could think it would rain?
I have heard no thunder
but my ears were full of sand.
I did not feel my eyes fill with tears.
I made my bedroom door the shore
and I was an ocean people would fear.

I had never felt this much fear
clouds filled my eyes and down came the rain.
The storm now covered every inch of the shore
and my words became the loudest thunder.
I awake in my bed, wet from my tears
and I wish I was in the sand.

Oh, I wish I was in the sand,
not drowning in a puddle of my own fear,
not filling my lungs with salt-like-sea water tears.
My wishes are wicked away like sprinkled summer rain.
They are as far away as the low rumble of distant thunder.
They come and go as often as the shore.

I open my door, greeted by the rising dawn shore
and I step on the carpet like it is the white sand.
There is no more thunder,
but there is still fear.
I sit on the back porch, and feel the morning summer rain,
and wonder why the sky here, always has tears.

The sky fills its own eyes with tears,
and the sunrise still reminds me of the shore.
I wish that in the morning, it was not allowed to rain,
that it had to be crisp and dry like summer sand.
That way I do not have to fear,
the low rumble of distant thunder.

Oh, the morning showers are the sky’s jealous tears, he wishes he could be a sun rising in the sand
He rumbles, ”The morning sun rising with the shore is so much more pleased, he never cries, he never weeps! Please do not fear,
the rain, but the rumble of low distant thunder.”

Warm.

Your warm body, an exact mirror copy of your plump lips that kiss my mouth, I lay my head upon your chest, thighs, back, shoulder, any area where I believe I could sink into you and become enveloped in your supple, sweet, indulgent body.

Your body was the first I felt comfortable in. Your body is the only body I feel safe in. When I crawl into my place in the corner of your shoulder and your chest I hear your heartbeat slow, and I feel your breathing pace but when your arm grazes my shoulder my heart races and I do not know why.

Your illusive brown eyes, see they were not brown after I got close enough to see, your eyes were the darkest shade I had seen until you allowed me to graze the skin of your face and I was absorbed by the brilliant green that took me by surprise. How did I not notice the eyes before me? These eyes so unlike what I had learned before, I assumed you had to have known magic to preform such an illusion.

Your warm heart.

This heart that you allowed me to caress, allowed me to kiss, allowed me to love. This heart is what I am reaching for when I sink into your body, searching for my safe within your chest, my strength within your shoulder, my passion within your thigh, I am always searching for the things you allow me to feel. And you lead me to them every time. You've never allowed me to look in the dark, without your guiding hands, I still do not understand how you walk so calmly in the dark, I swear if must be magic, some amazing illusion.

Trauma

Blunt force trauma
a blow to my psyche from your hammer of hands who pounded into my mind making me fear your preconceived ideas of my undying faith to your never ever loving thoughts about my, then, innocence. so many times-

Time

How many times did I trust the snake who hung, from the oh sweet forbidden fruit who's aftertaste bit me every time?
Who's deep rooted poison made me a pile of decaying flash, leaving me with a smell that drew all vultures to my feet.

Vultures

Every ******* one swarmed my flesh, biting, marking me with their jagged teeth that covered the tip of every finger, that kept the skin bloodied and bright red for identification.

ID

The ID of the body I see in the mirror, Jane Doe to myself, and target to the man who mangled my soul even more that it's vessel. Who's voice rattled my bones and hands cracked the chest casing under my already blue and pruple skin he kissed with his knuckles just-
Just enough.

Enough

Enough of me he became and the red of my skin was no longer his favorite and I longed for my red to change hue and I checked its tone when I dipped into the rivers beneath my skin and all I did was make myself a prisoner to the body I painted different ****** shades to make him want me.

But my red turned fall and I was no longer a color he could see, but a place he had never been and my characteristics were as mysterious as the reasons I thought I deserved red.

Red

Blunt Force Trauma

My greatest condolences to the woman who loves me.

My body fears your love of me and constantly repeats the mantra of you leaving but you seem to stand even closer when I break. You tell me every time you aren't going anywhere but the pure unfamiliarity is because you, are the single thing I have ever loved, and never hated.

My greatest condolences, because I'm hard to love.

Your hands graze the body that I live in that I refuse to own. I imagine them painting my soul, covering the black holes with the colors of fall. You tell me you love every inch and I wonder about the centimeters. I take your kiss like a pill used to subside the symptoms of his neglect.

My greatest condolences, because I never believe you at first.

People are not medicine but your face helps me sleep more than ambien ever did and no, your are not going to cure me but I will survive. I do not need a cure, I need management. I take you every night before bed and wake up thinking about your arms caressing my side, yes, I said MY side. I'll admit that this body is my own as long as you're touching it, as long as your hands are soft on my skin.

My greatest condolences because you are the prescription that cannot skip

My Soul Resides

In the *nooks and crannies of passenger seats.
In the books I've read too many times.
In the scent in the air after you left.
In the Pink Floyd t-shirt.
In the links of metal I only have memories of.
In the silver moonlight hitting caramel skin.
In the school books I've scribbled my name in.
In the memories of those I no longer speak to.
In the mind of my parents, who still think I'm their little girl.
In the movie I watch every week.
In the candles I blow out before I sleep.
In the songs I'd keep on repeat for hours.
In the anywhere from 15 to 50 minute showers.
In the nights I stayed up, listening to the rain.
In the days I woke up, feeling a little less sane.
In the summer romances.
In the fact I've never had a slow dance.
In the first good kiss I ever had.
In the scars I harbor, inside and out.
In the last time I felt right.
In the things I fear.
In the way things changed, in just a year.
In the first poems I wrote.
In the first time I could soak up the beach, alone.

This is what I am. This is what made me what- no - who, I am.

*My Soul Resides

serein (n.) (french) the fine, light rain that falls from a clear sky at
sunset or in the early hours of the night; evening serenity

What I needed most after a long day
Was a calming kiss or a careful goodnight.
But being alone won this round
Not that I even put up a fight.
So I'm accompanied and comforted
By the pitter-patter on my windows at night.
Serein

I took persistent breaths
And waited until your car left
To throw myself onto my bed
And let all the thoughts flow to my head

Do you know what you've done?
Made my lips walk, when my heart wanted to run?
I feel somewhat old, to be acting so young,
As if I'm a child finding a new love

Dear Sir, oh, what you've done to me
Opened my soul and let me breathe
Awakened my mind and let me see
How great being a good little pet could be.

Just know that only your looks make me blush
And only your hands can cause this rush.
Connection is the key to the squirming I do
My hope is you know it only happens with you..

What's with these car windows,
Fogging up as you tell me to calm down?
I take deep breaths
And try not to make the sound
That's building up within me
Moans that are far too loud
I'm arching my back
And and squirming around
What's up with these car windows?
Fogging up when you tell me to calm down.

Frigid and shaking
It's all I am trying to feel
The hairs standing up on my neck
The shivers is such a thrill

I'm so alone and cold
In this icy shower
Has it been 15 minutes
Or has it been an hour

Take away the warmth of pain
I want to be cold and numb
Take out my beating heart
Make false winter air, fill my lungs.

Cold, shivering, and colorless eyes
The water didn't freeze my thoughts
And I still wondered why
Why I still wanted you so
Even though you so easily let me go

So here I reside, in my ice cold showers
Wasting minutes
Wasting hours
Until I forget
How you made me feel
How you made me think, I might have been real.

Eyes

Like gateways to so many things..

Darker than a night sky, with identical spots of glisten.
The closer they come the more I'd like to listen

To the words that gracefully swim out of your lips
and find their way, not to my brain,
but to my heart
with your quirks and quips.

A warming feeling I had since yet forgotten,
or maybe drained out of myself..
Returns with utmost passion and
I can barely feel anything else.

Eyes

Like gateways to many things...

I dyed my hair again
To forget who I was.
To forget who I was.
When I had
Chestnut locks

I folded your shirt
Put it in a box
Put it in a box
So I could
Lose the memories

I lost myself
In a nightmare
In a nightmare
I had last night
About you

You tore me to pieces
Said "I love you"
"I love you"
But a hand around my neck
I'm gasping for air
"I love you too"
Is what you'd hear.

An ode to a girl with the faintest smile,
who could stop me in my tracks even though I try
To keep away from this girl, already taken.
But maybe, for one moment, she'll be mine.

I don't want you,
I want your scent.
I don't dream of your love
I dream this wont become a regret.

A blanket doused in the essence of you.
Smoke, liquor, and the spirit of a teen.
So strange it seems.
How well it made me sleep.

I don't even want you.
I want your lips
I don't ever dream of your hands
Unless they are on my hips.

Two pairs of full lips are better than one.
You pierced me with your eyes
Before I could even **** my gun
What a way to make this game less fun.

Once again silver meets skin
Cracks a smile,
Missed it's old friend.
A beautiful reunion,
They want everyone to see
The war raging on inside of me.
Breaking off little pieces of my heart

But who am I to keep best friends apart?

The bags under my eyes
And the weight on my lids
Tell stories about the years I've lived.

How many sleepless nights,
How many times my tear ducts ran dry.
Chilled lips, from incredibly cold sighs.

I've always found it interesting
How with every story,
It's the exact same ending.

With me not being worth anyone's time.

Comfy People

Certain people stick
They just do.
Some you want to get rid of
& Some want to get rid of you, too.

The only reason is comfortability.
After so long
It's still so comfortable
No matter what goes wrong.

After every fight
Its all okay.
You just want to kiss,
The perfect apology for everything you say

It's not love
More than lust
Maybe we just care
A bit more than much.

Playing with pawns within my head
Didn't you say you liked my game?
Make the first move, go ahead.
You don't really know the rules
But, you wouldn't win anyways.

Welcome to the arena.
Do you think you stand a chance?
You'll still be loading your gun
Whilst I do a victory dance.

You asked for this
This lack of affection
Connected to your *******
And here it is

You assumed I'd be your pawn
When in fact you are mine.
How could I turn down
A man so fine.

Hopefully you don't fall for me,
Because you've already decided
What I was to you.
And I lost all respect.

I am in a black abyss
Lined with the entrails of my victims
Dripping from my mouth
A mix of crimson and *****
What have I become?
Take 12
6 more
What will a couple more do?
Up to 25 
Where am I now?
Bliss
Sweet bliss
Sweet bliss dripping from my lips
Sweet bliss scarred on my hips 
A night of pain leading up to this
I love you, I do
Didn't you say you loved me too?
Come kiss me my love.
Come kiss this black abyss
Come lick the crimson off my lips.

I can't help but think
Every time we speak
About the last time I looked up at you
Not wanting to blink.
Who knew how cold you could feel
By a fire on a summer night
Just so you didn't have to pull away
So you could hold his hand so tight.

I can't help but be overwhelmed
With feelings I don't understand
You were the only one content,
With only holding my hand.
A kiss or two here
A hug or a few there
Whenever I needed you
You were always there.

I can't help but question
Your motives and thoughts
But all through the year
I searched for an opening into your heart
And here it might be
A way to ignite an old flame.
Is that what I see
Or are you having a picnic
And I am the rain?

I always wondered what I wanted to do
When I grow up.
What I would expect to be
When I rise early with the sun.

Conflicting mediocre talents
And lack there of
Testing my patience
Leaving me twiddling my thumbs.

To paint
Or sleep
To write
Or weep

Oh, out of all the decisions
I have to make
To decide which path
I want to pave.

Why must I pick a specific
One thing?
Can I just aspire to be
Well,
Something?

A little about me..

Jacquelyn Audrey
Nearly sixteen to others
Nearly nineteen to myself

Insane
Smart
Afraid of the dark
AnXiEtY
D e p r e s s i o n
BPD

Writer
Mezzo soprano to tenor
Painter

No impulse control
Worries too much
Cares too little

Likes being alone
But not being lonely

That's all I can really think of.

A night terror brought to life.

I fade into a room
Black
I hear the footsteps
Loud
I feel my skin
Naked

The door is yanked and left agape
I'm blinded by the light
He grabs me and I know there is no escape.

Suddenly he's in me, and I'm left voiceless
He says to open my eyes and I protest
A hard pound into my *** and a smack later
My eyes are open staring into a mirror

I look away and am yanked back
Forced to watch myself be treated like meat
He pounds away, a disgusting rhythm
As tear roll down my face, in defeat

Once he's finished he drops me to the floor
I sit like I'm supposed to,
Sitting on my knees, bowed and waiting for more.

He's back and I'm up in his arms
Holding my mine at my sides he whispers and nibbles at my shoulder
Telling me I'm his, that I'm so strong.
I fight to get away, he's so wrong.

He says he's sick of these games and straightens my face
Forces me to stare at my naked, bruised body
In the mirror that I can't take
I cry, and I cry

"Your mine"
A quick slap to the *** and I'm dropped again, to the floor.

I still remember the first time
He let me bite his lips.
He nodded sincerely at my smile
And pulled in on my hips.
We stayed there for quite a while,
My eyes examining His.

We kissed and kissed,
And every second I miss
The sweet taste that our tongues left on lips.

Days like that
Quickly passed
No longer was I allowed to have any class.
From this day forward, a piece of ***.

I remember the last time I bit his lips
I received my punishment
Hard and swift.
His smirk was dark
My face was flushed

"I like this red better than when you blush.."

The way they talk about her freckles and rosé skin.
Wondering who messed up her head, who wore her so thin.
Who was it?
Who had been?
She's not been herself since then.

"Tell me the story about how the sun loved the moon so much, that he died every night to let her breathe."

How interesting that story is.
Though I don't really know
If the plot Is realistic enough
To pertain to my
Plain life.

But I can tell you a tale
Of a damsel in distress
Waking up groggy
Looking for her dress.
Glancing at her greasy hair
In a mirror that had a tendency to stare.

A story of a girl who died everyday
Waiting for a kiss to bring her alive.
A kiss that happened a few times and some
But she'd still go home and cry
When she would again, feel numb.

She doesn't remember a time
When she wasn't a piece of meat.
A time when she could talk to a guy
And not expect it to end in
Who will go down when they meet.

She is so used and doesn't have the strength
To say no anymore, or make them wait.
She's waiting now for someone new to come around
And take her breath away.
With big hands and a pair of lips
That kiss her in just that way.

I get dolled up
For no good reason.
Hair and makeup
It's that season.

To get dolled up
With no where to go.
No one wants to party or hang out.
So I'm stuck, dolled up, alone.

What a doll face I have
So pale with light freckling.
Pursed lips, pink tint
Bright eyes, sparkling.

A cute curvy doll.
With dark chestnut above
Graced with a pretty face
That no one will love

Love isn't blind.

What else am I to I conclude,
When all the guys are crude?

They say looks don't matter
.....
As long as no one knows.
It looked nice in the beginning
Pretty paper and bows
Folded around a barren cage

But inside this cage,
This package of "love"
Is a flood of pain,
Someone he is ashamed of.

Love isn't blind
He can see perfectly fine.
He had promised in time,
That she could call him 'mine.'

Oh but what a nightmare is was
When she begged for love
Oh but what a joke it was
To see what he had done.

Love isn't blind
Or patient, or kind.
But love is definitely losing your mind.

If you were a painting,
You would take my breath away.
If you were a song,
You'd make hips sway.
Like the way the wind blows through my hair
And I hope and wish that maybe sometimes you stare.

I swore I had no emotion,
Until I fell for you.
I tried to stop this notion,
But there was no use.
You took my breath away,
Made my hips sway,
Twirl my hair, and hope you stare.

What is this emotion?
So strange it seems
To get butterflies
Even after the million and one times
You've looked at me.

It's still a lost cause
Wishing for your love
But I can still dream
For cold nights,
And a man's lips speaking words so sweet.

Even though we no longer speak
Your expectations are what I try to meet.

I hope you like my long hair,
Even though I want it cut.
I sometimes see you stare.
I want to kiss you but,
The bad times were too many.
The consequences could be
Deadly.

Oh my boy,
I miss you.
I miss you smirking at me.
****, I miss you looking at me,
And not looking sad.
I miss when you would play mad,
Just to see my pouty face,
When you would kiss me with force,
Just to put me in my place.

Oh my boy,
I miss you.
And your
Smirking,
Sweet
face.

I hate myself

I hate my fat arms
I hate my top teeth
I hate my forehead
And I hate how the top of my thighs have that bulge on them.
I hate my shoulders
I hate my toes
And I hate my sausage fingers.
I HATE MY BACK, MY STOMACH, AND RIBS.
I hate how my torso isn't symmetrical
How the fat is different on each side.
I hate my ****.
I hate my always irritated scalp.
I hate that I can't lose weight
I hate that I don't have the money for braces
I hate that I am the ugly friend.
The one who never has a boyfriend, but everyone else does.
I hate being lonely
I hate being ****** up
I hate being a mediocre student
And an average talent.
I hate my voice

I hate myself.
I hate it.

I've ******,
My friends make love

What about me
Attracts boys
Who only ****?

I've never made love.
Is it just bad luck?

What about me
Attracts boys
Who don't love?

I just want to have
A natural relationship
Not a business deal,
Where I'd use my body,
To buy love that isn't quite real.

Just someone care.
Just someone see.
I am not just a piece of meat.
I need warm arms around me,
And words so sweet.

Where are you
Boy,
Who can stand loving me?