it isn't right the way you tease me
much about and inside me isn't right
and I believe that you can see why
You must see right through my  body
to the downward destinations inside
Where I hide exactly what is felt
And when my heart is caught
is the trap then forgotten
On the contrary, the ordinary,
the less than savory,
The nothing special as the ignorant laugh
And as they do, the wise understand
this in itself cannot be easy
What is there yet that may be coming
So much wrong beneath
Some beyond, buried, unlikely
Other pieces are much less deep
These are mine, my secrets,
My own unlikable qualities, proud moments
Terrible wants, disturbing fantasies
Awful enough that they must stay down
Down is where demons go,
But I think you've seen them

A face spoke exposing
curled roads rising, rolling
Sweeping in all directions
Gentle shapes misleading
Echoing possible folly
questioning every turn,
disbelief bridging the errors
Yesterday's unremarkables
Left till now neglected, distorted
caustic and uninspired
victimized and untrusting
recognizing silouetted wrongs
made promises and failed at it
this road of folly, rewards, all contrary
to the words that face whispered
to lead one astray, to decieve
to make one face the unwanted.

Brave Face
see me now,
Look at my brave face
I can be a charmer
Saying such nice things
Meant to disarm you
See me
I can be a liar
Saying the things
The real me cannot say
See my brave face
So patient and understanding
Hides the real me
I can be so unforgiving
Because I see now
I am not worthy
I am though
I am worthy of forgetting

To know these thoughts
Pulling my mood to bleak
Each time my mind entertains
The notion and secret admiration
Unobtainable visions you are.

You might guess but I guard them
My pride and my aging acceptance
The denial and the hindsightedness
Bitterness so impotent and useless

Beautiful, You, and I  can't bring attention
I'm. Too old, too far past the moment
No. I must appreciate from afar
Stolen glances from forgettable interactions.

It's not a blameable situation
I am longful, going for eyes
that see inside and passed
The lines of time too clearly present
Hopef but for One whom tries for
Proximity and time by my side
and that is never yours to supply.

It ***** I am so far ahead of
My youthful desires
and the unsaid.

It isn't for fun and games anymore.
That excuse wilted away.
In fact them are my very downfall.
Back then, **** was only a refreshment
And chosen were the days on it.
I was on guard and after
each introduction
Every reabsorbed indulgence
I walked it out of calling range
Chose not to be what I am now.
Financially funneling my nonexistent,
To make my way through **** work
**** pay, always broke...
Weak without; Penniless with it.
I need out.  Have little lapses.
I am not going to be a great loss.
Just one that couldn't let go
As fast as those that dabbled back then.

Light from Her eyes,
  Casts out the shadows,
    from this place I often go,
      to hide
     My feelings,
  My dreams.
Where I go,
  when My life seems,
     Too unbearable.
        Out of control.

This life
From the very start of it
I've been told
Brainwashed
Molded
I must fall in love
In love I will be happy
Happiest endings will come if in love
All with their silver linings
Picture perfect
And that's what I wanted
Thought I had found it
Fought so hard
Then lost it
It was after that
This life felt
Less like what I wanted.

Sorry...
Feel the crushing weight of it?

Beyond this the wasted,  
the fake, wasted.

The sensation
of darkened moments awaiting
daybreak and understanding

our past is playing
Cords of silk,
strung to be strummed,
a gentle note.

The price is living,
cast out, caught up,  
Knowing it was you...

You blew it.
Images played out every evening

Bitter sweet
the rotten misperception

Each scene you,  
And suffered through to numbness

To hold this,  
my happiest of moments
Without being able to know it

I find myself lonely,  
My heart weighted...

Seeing the end,

Noticing it to be...
an essential moment

they were right
those that have suffered through it
the first night is the hardest
so I've heard
so I've learned
All nights are, can be
difficult, painful for certain
when surrounded by familiar
in the house, now so quiet
Erie, one less pillow,
empty closet now,
one less blanket
and time alone, so badly unwanted
it was to yourself and in the dark
" I did not want this. "
the first night, is.
The worst, the hardest.

After Falling

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing.

I am different now,

Much more unsure,
Far more unwilling.

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing,

It changed me.

Much more guarded,
Far too untrusting .

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing,

Nights aren’t the same,
The moon, it’s once soft light,

Oh, after the fall,

Seem to press down,
Where it hurts me worst.

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing.
I have fallen,
Survived the landing,

But I’m different now

Much more insecure,
Far, far less willing.

Oh, after the fall

Look up, I force my gaze up
I face that unwanted reflection
The hated man, the other half
Still addicted, Dependent on ****
The realization hits again
That I and Him, The same man
Night and Day difference
Pros and Cons I weigh
His motivation beats me to it
It is a sickness and I am sick
Of it of not wanting only to want again
Of being unable to manage
Everyday tasks and hobbies I loved
Creativity seems to visit
When it’s the good ****…
Again, That man before me now
******* this ******* mirror
He knows how badly I hate him,
He feels no where near the same
Content with his poison
But I can see it in his eyes,
He knows that it isn’t right
Will he help me quit this time?

every time our rides,
these now separate,
unconnected lives, paths...
coincide,
those amazing features,
flawless neck line,
my eyes make time
for her
though their conquests know
much more
distant,
propagate fantasies, memories
of what those full lips could do,
how the caress of hers set my heart aflame.
one way thoughts
that end
in the present,
in this wreck of a life,
wasted
every day wanting
to have
died
just the day before
goodbyes were given. the realization of my inequities,
inability
to conjure desire
as i could and ooh, oh so loved to do
when i was what
other men currently enjoy.
it ***** because she to my eyes
is the broken mold
post perfection,
to this day, it *****
because
i want her,
because i do,
because
she's beautiful,
and I'm in love with her.

You’re a beautiful fighter.
No other angel may compare,
In these eyes,
The one’s You gave me.
No heart have I known,
Bigger, kinder, genuine, gentler
No,… Nor any more unconditional
As is the way that you love.
As is the way of a beautiful fighter.
Mom, the day I found you,
Life having left you only moments prior,
I realized I’d never know another,
Champion already in my eyes,
A hundred times over…
Your strength, your will, your stamina, your devotion
Filled me, trained my body to react,
To fight back, so I tried…
I kissed your mouth and fed you air,..
Begging with encouraging yet pleading
words desperate, needed
Please mom, come back, not yet, I’m not ready…
Your tiny chest, in out of place wonder…
How could such a large heart reside there…
I pushed, I pressed I begged I kissed…
Fearing the worst but inside I knew better…
Because you Mom,
You Are A Beautiful Fighter.
This day you won,
Forever my champion,
I love you mom,
I have never been prouder than of you now,
Thank you for fighting Mom,
You never gave up, and I will never either.

Answers are curious things
When you don't know, you want to
Sometimes the questions they belong to are poisoned
Then there are the answers that cause more questions
cancerous, they multiply and the answers hurt you
Designed exponential
An endless cycle that will break and manipulate you
To no good end... never good
The wrong kind of questions

I wish not...
To harbor these vessels.
For I know
In those holds is sickness.
Crates of longing
Often opened, empty.
Barells upon barrels
Of jet black loneliness
Forever splashing, unsealed, seeping.
So like my dreams
These ships of her navy.
Christened with shades of she
"Lost Love", "my One", "my only", 
"nevermore", "ever after"...
They set no sail
Anchored securely off my shores.
Out of reach
Yet constant in presence.
Seeking no barter, no passage...
No plunder.
Ghostlike they haunt
All of what I most want.
And dreams like mine
Always calling
Taunting those black sails
In windless waters
Embracing no breeze
Only serving to open old wounds
My spyglass weeps
Fixed on yesterhorizons
Where gone and do go
Phantoms and shades
My sea of regrets. 
Jfehlmann

Awoke today,
    a stranger's face
Staring back
    in a familiar way...
Mirror Glass,
   Smiling,..
Should I smile back?...
   Or shoo away all new,
again today,
   all I long to be?

Familiar lines traced
   lead with glimpses back
Reminding the child I used to be...

Upon light so intense
   time's winning hand
casts me back,
   Out played I fold
No fire and no flame
   Just an ember left...

A Long forgotten man
   Awoke today,
a strangers face
   who i want to be.
He looked at him,
   I looked at me
And He asked questions:
  
   Do I ever decide?
Did You like my chances?
   if ever there could be,

Him?..
  
    He?..

           Me?

These are for You,
My works through it seems
framed,  on the wall, smiling
What to do about without me moments passed make up life
Deep, like the hours in a day
That we had, we did, before
As it has, it will cycling,
continuous, predictable as all but
our last breath,  to ashes then
if I cared, goodbyes
if I worried,  I'm sorry's
If given the chance,  i might linger
To catch final glimpses
Reflecting, on all the right things
To forgive myself,  my follies
Then let my shell feed the earth,
as life,  and love,  and time go on
So too will those that will without
If they feel lessened,  disheartened
Then talk so i may listen
What to do about without,  
Remember, talk,  go on living
They watch,  they listen.

it wasn't the fickle
and it might have been
the laughable
but much too cold
unfeeling by any
worthy of notice
Or warming
the lemon yellow Sun
Blocked out feeling
and pale of ignorance
I found a broken clock
Its face twice right
Always the same
the gear workings mixed up
corroded and unwound
springs loose and crazy
like my thoughts,
the aged wood scratched, dented
Not much to look at
and I thought to use it,
at least for a while,

Found beneath silk like wrappings
Smoldering barely, the coals create,
The Embers of my innermost, the splendor
In light and warmth; our light blue,
fluffy white deception hides the truth
As it dwindles and grows transparent
And the Twilight is made of dark hues
Accentuated by points of distant light
Numbering more than can be imagined.
Points of light stabbing through
Unfathomable distances between
Incredible places, unobtainable
As we realize and reluctantly accept
our place amongst the countless others.
Truths at first alarming until
surreal sets in to soothe and
ease the discomfort of knowing
How unimportant and miniscule indeed
We are not the center of creation.
We are simply One more
Of the countless others, Looking out
Wondering how?

Is it the hardest part
the getting on with, or over
Laying bones to rest,
Forgiving barbed tongues
Or embracing well deserved sorrow
I know I for one held on
for so long, secretly hoping
waiting and denying new love
martyred by my loss
victimized and over guarded
afraid to realize what may come
foolish as at last I've opened up
that was the easiest,
the hardest part was believing
I could never do it.

Creating,
Is me affirming.
Uniqueness,
Though to no gain
But ego.
A bandaid,
Over being
Less,
not achieving,
More.
Never,
Good enough.

It could be, eyes see differently.
That I might not appreciate the same view?
If it is a gaze, fixed, at a distance,
focused on the impossible,
maybe?,.
Or thought, fought inwardly about?,.
Out of reach, league, or,..
Better without?
What the heart stays chained to,
Tethered secretly,
and at great distance,
though to step out?,.
Of the safe places,
out of clear evaluation, a secret,
admiration,..
Dreamed about, infatuated and unspoken,
outside of dreams that are intoxicated, provoked,
streamed and called by the heart,..
Its habit of longing,
watching, imagining,..
the, oh, sensation,..
the simple locking of hands,..
oh, the, shared smiles and confessions with no verbalization.
true love, of two souls, who,...
somehow vibrated in tune,..
out of devine planning, or intervention, if not, at random.
But such, could, never happen for me,..
not lucky enough.
But, am, or will,..
just might.
only if,..
I, Step out?
shed loves shaded shadows, obscurity,..
offering clearly, in front of,..
be the center of that one's unknowing realized,..
be there, I,..
in their laymens yet, appreciative gaze.
becoming focused, dare to and dance,..
not to hint, none less then truthful, the words you use,
have but to let your heart, its knowing,..
express what it wants,..
and, then,...
finally,..
be free of this,..
the unknowing.
Clearly hidden from view, can,.. confront,..
Shall, demand,.. unknowings end.

My few words fell down
So, so heavy to the floor
contrasting, somewhat
Lacking any intent
Effects of such beauty
ruining the best of me
taking the breath
before it can be used
She never hears my attempts
Effects of such beauty.

first her words seem off the mark, they were painful regardless people words do hurt and you **** it very nice they ruin you forgetting pride so I had no choice I shouted I lied I use damaging words with false purpose

Yes I know
how damaged I am inside,
How evasive my heart may be
I know about
those three words
how I believed
And the last time
the last person who used them
I know I believed
I Bought into the promise they bring
I thought Unconditional,
Foolishly open,
Three little words
the dreams they can bring
I know how they ruined me
these little words
that can mean too much
to someone such as myself
see I want and I need,
True love,
timeless and transparent
genuinly honest and unconditional
the world I see around me now
doesn't hold these things
I am old fashioned as
with old fashioned beliefs,
tired and worn out
Nothing is forever any more
everything, even love is thrown away
I can't change
so until four heartbeats,
one moment between,
the three words I spoke aloud
stunning myself as I stared at you
staring at me in silent disbelief
but i won't retract,
I will not joke or demean
I will not make excuses
or down play this
because I do
I honestly Love You.

only a half truth,
. . . . . the practiced words
. . . . . . . . . . .  We say.

We. . . . . .
. . . . . . . the wicked,
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and corrupt.

The DISEASED,
. . . . . . . . and ADDICTED.

With words
. . . . . . . .  we find
. . . . . . . . . . . . .  why's
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .  that we weave.

half truths. . . .  
. . . . . . . .  with excuses.

. . . . . . . . . . . empty apologies. . . . . . . . . . . .

Deception
. . . . . . .  eases this guilt
. . . . . .  where
. . . . . . . . . ownership is needed.
It was me.
. . . . . .  I'm sorry.

. . . . . . . . . . . I AM sorry.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . This IS me!

. . . . . . . . . . . . empty apologies. . . . . . . . . . .

For too long now,
these clouds...
Gray and deep,
like ink in water...
The landscape beneath,
barren, cold, forgotten...
Winds and rain,
lightning and thunder...
Just me, alone in this,
my way is guarded...
I'd given up,
no hope, no light...
Surrendered.
Then You came,
So bright, brilliant...
A single ray of light,
through those clouds...
You found Me,
In that light, peace...
And the ground,
hope taking root...
growing,...
that single ray exploding...
making a world I thought I knew,
New, intense and surprisingly wonderful.
A ray of light, And a world
I owe all to you.

Sand spills, passed trembling hands
And the hourglass is too alike a broken mirror
A counter to an image of us, showing us
light hits glass in right and wrong angles
so good, your attempts, just to falter
Oh, to free a Cindered and forgotten
over a bridge so fully burnt and broken
no more, no route to those shores
something funny in this, the feel of forgotten
stars number in the countless, billions
And alone, we all are but the sum of one
staring back, hands trembling

All these things,
the ways you make me feel
forgotten so long,
safe for so long,
You, seem to be perfect
seamlessly becoming important
and I am eagerly open
willing to see, to dare
feelings I've kept away
but now, with you,
for some reason I want them
You make me smile,
the real kind, to the eyes
and those eyes make time for you
right now is so comfortable
and I do, I want to know...
where this is headed,
I want to... and that is new
frightening and enticing
wondering if you feel it
you seem to, you seem real
I have to trust you,
and that isn't easy... for me
but for you, for this,
what it may or may not be
I am willing, I will, I do
I put my trust in you
please understand the importance
Swore once, never again
then I met you, and I feel,
I see, I think, differently
Thank you

I write and dream up new ways
To say and cry out old things
Utilizing the strings that can be tugged
That attach to inner most hopes
Hopes that feed dreams and needs
All of the things that can hurt
As they have done and I endure alone
I use these words that hold meaning
To tell the world how it is for me
To share with others that may comprehend
I write to post and pretend they reach you
But if they ever do is it just words
Or is the emotional message conveyed
I write to pretend that someone is listening.
I write to acknowledge the truth of loves cost
And to exercise my restless wants and longings
These are my chosen words
My means at giving feeling to the way one reads them.
My message to someone I know never sees or reads
The way it is to see or feel
Or love and want what cannot be
I write because I need to,  
Feel, to be, to eat, breathe.
I write because.

My words,
full of thought
Laced with emotion,
Quiet whispers
trailing off,
But not,
When right now,
Feels just
Like shouting out
Into the open
The Still
Darkness and uncaring
Pitch black end,
My heart asking
Are you even listening?