There is a saying;
'You remember only
what you want to remember.'
I remember the way
Sunlight played inside
Her beautiful green eyes.

it is a familiar face, and with time with his changed.  you shade in expressions, clearly portrayed.
you see right away, I laugh a lot, maybe, cry a little
maybe, why concentrate and I stare office space
into some distant deep thought see I'm a deep thinker
off in some ways but better in others
Im , but I won't hide my flaws they're what make me meme
as long as I've been here I've been reading and AG and I've been imperfect
and I couldn't ask for anything more

Every way, each day
I am present to see it.
His miracle of being
I the recipient his gift
Awestruck, humbled, blessed
This I understand completely
Though I know not how, or why
I.  This man I still learn to know
As myself, of my self,
Admit having witness his growing
In great measure do I envy him
See his approach at living, being
embodying the kindest soul,
Naturally thoughtful and caring
How he is, has become
A lesson that I do learn from
My little legacy, so far beyond
better than from which he comes
I worry for him as fathers must
But not of him, of life's unexpected
always haunting every person
just out of foretelling, behind any horizon
For this treasure of my life I know
No doubt, to be a person of light
Wits, genuine smiles, listening and learning
His my Son, He is my Hero
I am out done, and yet,
ever the more thankful.
Blessed by You Zieven Lee.
Thank You.  More than you'll ever know.

Few words

Hurt worse

Be they used

Be they not

Few words

Hurt

either way.

I've met so many people
In this one lifetime
Befriending faces and so many names
Often only for but brief, moments
A few will stick around for a while
Rarest are for a life time
All with qualities, short-comings
and vis-versa, but none closer to perfect  
Devotion from one person to another
is a rare blessing to be had
But from mans' best friend it's a given
To a man that friend devotes all of his attention
Always ready and willing to lather on the affection
Happy with just the pat on his soft head, with it, he is in heaven
Will I ever know another soul like him?

One that will never purposely harm or mistreat me for no good reasons?
In my opinion that answer is a resounding NO
No, not man, not a woman, no human not ever
Because not a man alive could ever handle the heart of our dogs' burden
That of our best friends, of our k9 companions
Unselfish, and unquestioning devotion will never be a humans
No, our burden is simply the curse that we out live them
So that as they pass from where we know and love them,
Into the place that we can not simply look down and pat them

I pray that place has someone just as awesome waiting for them
Someone who makes them a world to live in and celebrates every second they share with them
Asking nothing back from them... And While we all just keep going on...
Heartbroken, but profoundly and fiercely proud to have ever known them.
We might hope and pray daily...

One day, when it's our day... Might just be when,
we look down and again
there we find that beloved friend... Right then,
and realize that heart has never forgotten...
Smiling at us... Tail wagging...
Because this time he knows we'll never separate from him.
As we both walk on as is destined.
When the hard work is done,...
Distractions of living are all gone...
Finally we can pay them their due attention.

And never be mean,.. nor take them again for granted...
Only believe in... nor be separated from them...
It'll be our time together in what surely must be heaven.

Dogs hearts will forever be the greatest love, this man will ever learn to miss so badly...
As I will. I will miss you so very badly Scrappy, and you too Toby. Good Doggies!... I'll only regret every day I must live with out them. Til my work too is finished boys... Till then enjoy your new friends.
your poppa...
Jack.

Laying naked
Just beside, intertwined
Panting,  smiling,  lieing
another accomplishment of mine
To have it,  take it, ruin
Something so precious as a body
Another meat machine with needs
Deseases,  urges, weakness
Wanting only the fleshy salts and juices
I ****** you,  now you are...
Unless,...
So now if i grab your hair
I, confess these dark lustful urges
Beg, coherse, guilt work
Saddness then there is anger
Hurt,  and insecurity
Childish fear is that as is darwin's
To *******,  filling the vessel
To do as promised,  programmed,  built
So that when i am caught,
My life over and the gurney beneath
Shall an invisible piece remain.
But honestly,  right now...
I am arroused and you can feel it
Open your mouth,  i too gladly taste your fluids
I promise,  our secret,  just one time...
Penetrated and found it lacking
Spine,  self control,  or courage not to trade morals
right then, right there
I had you.

I like your eyes
They suit you well
The slightest hint of green
Camouflaged in a sort of blue
Maybe grey
Hard to be certain
If I try, when I do
That is exactly the time
You decide to slide them away
Never knowing mine
Too often, too consistent
Don't worry,
I can read between lines
Pretty, I know you are used to it
Most that try are trying
To think that I am guilty
And my motives hide desires
Then there is no need worrying
I do not have designs or am I trying
Simply appreciating the colors
That compliment you friendly smile
Not my type though pretty you may be
Im a man of acquired tastes
It suits me, the ones that get me
the way they do,
Is less assumingly
Unlike you do.
assuming eyes,
Slide away always

And I heard the words approaching,
So close, so fragrant beneath her pressed lips
I waited, I listened...

Encouraging the woman I thought I loved,
Please, baby pleading with all remaining hope...
It wasn't meant to hurt, it was foolish,..

Perfumed blissful ignorance in my waiting acceptance,
whisper the words love, no other may need hear them,
for they are for my hurt, my scarring heart...

In her beautiful green eyes,.. She wants to,
But there is only the longest pause...
then a tear, shed to roll easily away
and I am no longer the reason for the words

something did happen,
robbing the song they produce
in my heart, that in a breath, weakens...

Oh no, no, no, no don't give silence reign over our union.
Silence is nothing to my eardrums,
as it is...  Too loud,
and wretchedly painful to my heart.

So close, the words, the way to the way it was,
before,...
one last kiss will never come...

As she turns and lives forever part,
all that is left,
is the fragrance of a whisper
to remember, and words that never were never heard.

I'm sorry,... I do love you,
I will always, forever...

Words that never come.

Though three separate
with this last comes a cadence

Again without,  alone,
empty chested aching

The very first
And then later the second

This third confirms
My relationship pattern emerges
Like a drum beat
A cadence

There is a calm
A sort of closeness
That comes after heartbreak.
With nothing else
But acceptance to cling to,
It reigns alone
Controls hope and futures.
In the lack of light
Calm resides in silence.
But one thought
brings with it the knowledge
'it will be Alright '...
Because it will.
Take this and be guided
Back to light and laughter.
To life and happiness.

This time, I found myself
wondering...
Wandering the maze of the unwanted.
The meeting place
Of despair, and of worry
What-If's rule the gates
Insecurity a blaze
lights the way
light much like the setting sun
I fumble through the unfamiliar
Behind me,
Each step, Each twist,
Too many,
Another turn is too many
I am caught,
Wonderfully lost
To Her world
from affection
This time I go,
Alone.

If I'm the guy who waits,
is there some way?
Cause here I am,
I was, I remain.
The aging clocks face,
ticks out each second passed,

and here I am regardless.

Caught up in fairy tale nostalgia,
forgiven all the wrongs,
hurt endured,
selecting only the best
and cherished
fleeting
flickers of glimpses
at night
just as I fade
to the place where you still come

there too, not always pleasant.
Sometimes I wake and ache so bad
but the cause of that is you
Will I ever turn you out,
face away?
Is this time squandered,
wasted, fruitless?
Or one day are we going to be, again?
Am I okay with no love unless,
unless...
if nothing changes,
distance remains,
who to blame
but my own cowardice.

Some day,
. . . . . . . . . one day,
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . maybe,

hearts can change

words are tools
some are blind
off guard and unready
caught in unwavering
beautiful green eyes
sunshine smiles
willing they, the fools
visually taken by you
as lovely as you are
barter away my protection
believe the words
spoken from full and practiced lips
as my lust consumes
ability to recognise truth from fiction
what's mine is foreign
apparition of such belied intentions
as lovely as you are
take as few or leave none
interested in pleasing
forgetting my own
cause for you i care too greatly
to doubt the sincerity
care not when you lie
the world is a gift to those
amazing green eyes

The steam it takes me
To reach each 6p.m.
Is unsustainable, exhaustingly so
With knicks and clotted flesh
Bruises aging brown
mix with, overlap the latest
Deep purples and ill hued blues
I am beaten by my own doing
Little to nothing is compensation
But the things i have touched
Broken made new again
From raw to finished, tangible
My hands, rough, scarred,
Talented and beat up
As is my body. Nightly.
By the end of the week i am a sight
Too tired to want morr from life.
Filthy and sore, single, alone
There has got to be more to life
Then the beast of burden i resemble
If not be the ending too soo
See i am beaten at the end
Tired...
Goodnight.

List my choices.
Even those,
I've in haste chosen.
Then won't you?
Show me,
My many imperfections?
Please, please,
Force my eyes open!
Play these.
I'll remember...
Ask me,.. Why?
I'm so rotten.
If you bait me,
maybe...
I will speak?
I'll come clean?
It might be,
Forever,
My Confession

If I look at this life,
At today, or tomorrow
Yesterday, I see what is behind me
I see your face, my smile
exactly the way we once were.
Still I wake up tomorrow,
another day of pretending.
This is okay, but inside denial.
more and more hollow,
the way my heart aches,
so I don't look for tomorrows.
I much rather turn around,
and look upon those yesterdays,
because right now, the next day,
they seem less worth while
They are as empty then
as they are now,
yesterday is worth my gaze.
back then was everything.

Breathe brought in, with it sickness
Cause enough, it can all crumble
two pieces, more, four exponential
Onto the ruined floor of morrows
There they get ground down finer
by the ones that through words like love around
So very, very off are the scenes
Of a life, of first tries, of smoking puddles
Far off now is that guy, that person,
just but now only a reminder of poor choices
And it can and will crumble
cracking and falling away, into voids
much like the need, and want of breathing
sitting so close to the smoke that rises
each breath feeding and igniting
Foolish are the eyes that believe and abuse
salty water, vinegar for the wine we waste
when all of life crumbles around you
and you find the endless, unlit labrynth
fed by bridges burnt down just after your crossing
until no exit, No route, No saviors are found
the sickness comes in shards that turn to puddles
and this then burns to smoke, and ruins

I have a heart I made of paper mache,
and, a mask made the same way.

One to fill a vacant place inside.
The other, a lie.
But they still see my eyes
behind that smiling face.

They all see my eyes.

My heart made of paper,
and, a mask I made,
to face my friends.

Because they don’t understand.

The way that the hurting they said will fade away,
Never did...
Stayed the same.

So I pretend.
I wear that face.
Smiling like they think I should.

A paper smile protects my pride.
A paper heart remains to this day.

Heart made of paper,
fills an empty place.
A paper thin mask,
I use to face each day,
smiling for me,
to make them believe...
I am okay.

And there you are,
that look, those eyes
A ghost too long haunting
And then there is me,
Still held by them
A fool that dreams of yesterday
Every time, each time,
Caught regardless, breath taken
And the fool chases the madman
In endless cycles of recognition
One coaches the way of acceptance
I remind myself that things change
But there you are,
And I am drawn up, quartered
The madman has his day
That look, those eyes

there you are
regardless

This,..  My way,  my nature
Birthed to this,
My lineage,  this legacy,
Given,..  Named,..  
Long ago,  our lines given
Titles, trades,  qualities,  dispositions
Earned, bestowed, deserved,  taken
It was a day of beginnings,  
A day of firsts, lines created
It was a day of words
It says the day of naming.
Only are names given but that once
After that day,  one is born into
The name,  the legacy then passed
From generation to the next,
fathers and sons
My line: Fehlmann...
A man missing, or lost and searching?
Hiding?  Different?  A little off?  
Perhaps indefinable?  
Unreachable, exploring,  so misleading,
Misunderstood,  built different,  special
Untouchable, wandering,  leading?  
I can't help but wonder,  why?  Those words?
Was my distant relative present?
What a puzzling choice of words to be given?  Or,  earned?

Painting this picture,
With you in it...
It is almost always you,
You find a way...
You are in everything I do,
And in every medium...
The lemon  yellow,
Phalo blue,..
The burnt umber,
Every hue...
Every color has you,
The way that I used to.
And these feeble ways
that I can still have
Through gentle strokes
thoughtful shadows,
carefully placed highlights
to effectively embrace those subtle shapes
When I miss you...
I paint...
To see you,
Face to face.

This life of sugar sweet hopes and dreams
blanketing, shading, betraying what hazards lay beneath
things like failure, ridicule, backstabbing, self loathing
real things that our padded quilts of denial never reveal
until you fall, or suddenly the blanket is pulled
and all together we forgot to want this.

With a heart made of paper mache,
A mask I had made the same way,
One to fill a vacant place inside,
The other tries to portray a lie.
But they still see my eyes behind,
That smiling face, they all see my eyes.
My heart made of paper mache,
And a mask I made to face my friends,
Because they don’t understand the way,
The hurting they say will fade away,
Never did; Stays the same.
So I pretend; I wear that face.
Smiling like they think I should,
A paper smile protects my pride,
A paper heart remains to this day.
Heart made of paper mache fills an empty place.
A mask I use to face each day,
Smiling for me to make them believe I am okay.
Made me a heart today.
Made from paper mache.
Made to take the real ones place.
Made to replace.
Made a new face today.
Made from paper mache.
Made it a smiling face.
Made just to face each day.
Made to hide the pain.

I'm doing this backwards it seems.
         This living, this life, this exhistance...
If that really is, what it is,... A gift, or a punishment?
         Similar to to *******, self gratification, that first one,..
                  Never another, not even the immediate second,..
After the first of anything,
           Has been,...  Is done,... Gets finished,...
                             Is experienced for the very first time,...
                                            The next and next and next,  the second...
              and on and on and on and on... are much much less intense.
More understood, less mysterious,... Less amazing,...  more like practice.

I have this dream...
   In which I am a wanderer

Dark streams,
   Of murky water
      Washing over...

No moon, nor stars
   Do force any boundary
      Eaten completely

Pitch Black, Empty
   The sky above

No means by which
   To measure this
      The endlessness of time

Here is only the cold
   Only the unforgiving
      Currents flowing

            Life’s murky waters

Endless, forever,
   pouring

Out of control
   Constantly pulling

            My head slips under

Tired of fighting
   I learn to let go

Sinking beneath ever more
   Towards darkness
      Inescapable abyss
         To unknowns below
      Into the resting place
   To life’s secret
The true meaning of it all

   Letting go, I give myself
      I am welcomed back home
From where we come
   we all will go,...
            Home.

Always is the problem word
too easily misinterpreted,
Right now that is the issue we're facing
Read the words once written
My words, yeah, honest, genuine
Sincere and borne from emotion
At that time, In those moments
Lessons, each day, every decision
choices, reactions, retrebutions
With out them, this, that moment
those emotions, that heartbreak
I'll always own them,
I am who you know today as result
they taught me about this world,
about love, how it feels to hurt
missing out, longing after, loneliness,
moving on, accepting my own thoughts
learning to live and love myself
You,.. Now,... Here,.. in the present
This lesson, what I know I want
I'll always love what I once loved,
but the decision to devote time, thought
myself over to?... That is mine to choose
I choose you...

And I'm always tired,
 Not a lack of desire,
 It's just I'm so **** tired.
 Yeah, I'm Always tired,
 I feel down...
 Down, Down, Oh so down,
 Yeah I guess I'm feeling middle aged...
 And that's the way it is.
 Peek a long past,
 My prime in photographs...
 Believe me I am trying,
 He sent me I'm dying,
 No we can't be...
 things can't be,..
 So f hot...
 Impulsive,
 Only f a lot,
 No it's just so ******..
 Quick to Let you down
 Even when I don't wanna.
 Middle age man that's my dilemma...

I don't need to view as they do.
For they are as giants
My measure is less and
I am alright with this.
I'm a work in progress
To become more yet.

Yet.

Owning only stolen air,
I function, uniquely
To gently own the unseen
Felt feelings, I look to master,
The tiniest remnants,  tattered
Torn and misappropriation rule
Fantastic forbidden fragment
Fall into hell, held, unshared
No podium,...
no  speaker,...
nor a crowd, of any sorts stirring
Aggitating,  aggrieved masses
slaves in their blissless mindset

Brave Face
see me now,
Look at my brave face
I can be a charmer
Saying such nice things
Meant to disarm you
See me
I can be a liar
Saying the things
The real me cannot say
See my brave face
So patient and understanding
Hides the real me
I can be so unforgiving
Because I see now
I am not worthy
I am though
I am worthy of forgetting

"Dreamt of Murky Waters"


                                                       ­                       I have this dream
                                                           ­     In which  
                                 I am a wanderer
                                                        ­                            Dark streams,
                                                        ­ of murky water
                                   washing over.

                                                          ­                          No moon,
                                                                ­     nor stars
                             do force any boundary.

                                                      ­                             Eaten completely,
                                                     ­            pitch Black,
                                                       empty,..
                               The sky above
No means by which
                               To measure this
                                                          Th­e endlessness of time
                       Here is only the cold
                                                         Only the unforgiving

                                                    ­                             Currents flowing
                                                         ­                            Life’s murky waters
                                Endless,
                                              forever,
                                                           pouring
                                                         ­              Out of control
    Constantly pulling
                                   My head slips under
                                                           ­            Tired of fighting
                                                        ­                       I learn to let go
                                              
                                                  Sinking
                                                          beneat­h
                                                                ­    ever more
                                                            ­              Towards darkness
                                                        ­                         Inescapable abyss
                                                           ­              To unknowns below
                  
                            Into the resting place
                                                           ­    To life’s secret

                                              The true meaning of it all
                                                             ­ 
                           Letting go,
                I give myself
         I am welcomed
back home

I miss most of all
Is foolish thinking
Willingly accepting risk
Selfishly denying the all too possible
Believing in the happy ending
Deciding I don't deserve anything less
Offering my very weaknesses for protest
Make up ***,
*** that means something
Forgiveness in troubled folly
The good morning kiss
All the pushing and compromising
Little known confessions of insecurities
The way such beauty makes my ego pleased
But I don't have this...
I only know the last time I was so important
Most of all I miss feeling worthy
Even though I'm not.

A goodbye that remains
blameless am I
Another lie,  ugly, transparent
How can I prevent it?
Why am I so easy to love,
They all seem to fall hard
Saying all the nicest words
Painting my mind in far from now
Oh so foolish to inflate ego full of pride
And this ain't my first experience
So how is it that I am far from agreement?
Three times, consecutive, at the very moment
I begin to see a future we could come to see