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Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2013
crooked steps
just a seconds glimpse behind
perfect trail before me, each step a gift
Then in the distance I  caught sight
of something
I saw you kiss the lips of the sinking Sun
locked embrace
and O' how completely I struggled
that entire night
and O' how the next and the next
and then the  next I tasted
betrayal O' how vivid I
I relived the scene in visions,
questioning my eyes,
wondering your motives
I focused, I tried more and more
O' I dug deep, i closed the miles,,
then much closer I witnessed
then, you whispering to the sky
then you reached up your hands
upon the full moon's face
Pulling her down from heaven,
 to your promises as you smiled
to deny us, O' I obsessed
Kissing the sun, Promising the moon,
As I watched O' I glared
O' as did I wilt
I withdraw to obscurity
Beneath cover of your growing shadow

a silouhette to follow
making chase of the impossible
I can't give up
all i do is follow,
and look , and press on ,
just to get close enough
To tell you
You are still my sun,
Though you have another
and you are my setting moon,
my unobtainable,...
and my reasoning for every step,
every mile...  
Now besought by the breadth
The severity of those betrayals
I hope you knew,
i followed and still do
coming to apprehend
my little tease,
my treasure, my liar
I give chase,
to how completely
how very far I would go
just to prove once and for all
I love you.
I shall, one day...
If and when the stars let me
they decide...
Even they see plainly my envy
As I have no mask
One motive,
Several unknown labels.
I contrast the brilliant
Silk strewn beauty once mine
Falling once, am I choosing
Leg by foot, by will and love
Outshine the sun and by this
Luna will turn it's attention
Perhaps this test of time
Practiced, lonesome patience
May one day return the gaze
Embrace in arms my desire
The only one I want and follow
My world.
UNFINISHED... but closer
8.9k · Jan 2015
Green Eyes
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2015
There is a saying;
'You remember only
what you want to remember.'
I remember the way
Sunlight played inside
Her beautiful green eyes.
1.9k · Oct 2014
imperfect, eating, breathing
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2014
it is a familiar face, and with time with his changed.  you shade in expressions, clearly portrayed.
you see right away, I laugh a lot, maybe, cry a little
maybe, why concentrate and I stare office space
into some distant deep thought see I'm a deep thinker
off in some ways but better in others
Im , but I won't hide my flaws they're what make me meme
as long as I've been here I've been reading and AG and I've been imperfect
and I couldn't ask for anything more
1.6k · Feb 2019
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2019
I sit
and I ask myself

selfish questions

important to me,
Me Alone.

They aren't all very deep.
But all of them,
Are about me.

it is something
I wish I had
or that
I feel I need.

If my scope broadens
As it has in occasion
I think about another

Gone. Now.

These thoughts
are full circle
Back to me.

How I miss them
If they think of me?
if I ever will see them again?

Why they left me?

So selfish,
not to want
As I want.

When they are all
I seem to think about.

How lonely it is
for Me.

Why make Me feel
This way.
Nobody ever thinks,
About Me.

1.3k · Oct 2013
"Into You"
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
I can feel you watching
I hear your sins
I feel your eyes upon me
I can even sense your longing
Why don't you?
I can smell your scent,
Oh, and now...
I am wanting you
Oh, how you...
Seducing me,
trying to ****** you
You are just waiting
Why, don't you?
Why are you waiting
tell me,
Because I know nothing
You are special
The wetness,
Primal aching
Are you watching?
I want you,..
I want you,..
Hearing me
I want you...
Needing me
Bring me into you,
Why, don't you?
Come... bring me inside
When you want me
to be patient,
but aren't we impatient?
Practically begging
Why, don't you?
Like waiting
Who's waiting now?
Who's walking out?
Who's Unwilling now?
Who's drooling now?
Why don't you?
Walking out.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
I've met so many people
In this one lifetime
Befriending faces and so many names
Often only for but brief, moments
A few will stick around for a while
Rarest are for a life time
All with qualities, short-comings
and vis-versa, but none closer to perfect  
Devotion from one person to another
is a rare blessing to be had
But from mans' best friend it's a given
To a man that friend devotes all of his attention
Always ready and willing to lather on the affection
Happy with just the pat on his soft head, with it, he is in heaven
Will I ever know another soul like him?

One that will never purposely harm or mistreat me for no good reasons?
In my opinion that answer is a resounding NO
No, not man, not a woman, no human not ever
Because not a man alive could ever handle the heart of our dogs' burden
That of our best friends, of our k9 companions
Unselfish, and unquestioning devotion will never be a humans
No, our burden is simply the curse that we out live them
So that as they pass from where we know and love them,
Into the place that we can not simply look down and pat them

I pray that place has someone just as awesome waiting for them
Someone who makes them a world to live in and celebrates every second they share with them
Asking nothing back from them... And While we all just keep going on...
Heartbroken, but profoundly and fiercely proud to have ever known them.
We might hope and pray daily...

One day, when it's our day... Might just be when,
we look down and again
there we find that beloved friend... Right then,
and realize that heart has never forgotten...
Smiling at us... Tail wagging...
Because this time he knows we'll never separate from him.
As we both walk on as is destined.
When the hard work is done,...
Distractions of living are all gone...
Finally we can pay them their due attention.

And never be mean,.. nor take them again for granted...
Only believe in... nor be separated from them...
It'll be our time together in what surely must be heaven.

Dogs hearts will forever be the greatest love, this man will ever learn to miss so badly...
As I will. I will miss you so very badly Scrappy, and you too Toby. Good Doggies!... I'll only regret every day I must live with out them. Til my work too is finished boys... Till then enjoy your new friends.
your poppa...
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
I can't list them,
they are too many
sorted into too few ways
They are the little things
the day to day, the worst,
the amazingly great, the mundane
I see them never all at once,
just a few here, some days tons
others none, of any shade or shape
But they are there I understand this
the little things that irritate and cause drama
the little ways one can show how he loves another
in simple actions, or thoughtful vigil
I sometimes celebrate, or at least pretend
To love the good, done for another,
but inside I am wondering what about me?
Oh, these little things
they complicate you, and they get in... so deep
So in, where you believe that it is your own agenda
but you are ninety percent programmed to love your self less and less
and ten percent willing to participate in that corruption
These little things will define you through your failings,
as well as your leaps and bounds of personal appraisal
Forget what you hate, and love what you don't want to
The little things change, and control and add chaos to your life
and it's these this little things that will **** you.
1.1k · Jan 2014
Hearts I Gamble With
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2014
Laying naked
Just beside, intertwined
Panting,  smiling,  lieing
another accomplishment of mine
To have it,  take it, ruin
Something so precious as a body
Another meat machine with needs
Deseases,  urges, weakness
Wanting only the fleshy salts and juices
I ****** you,  now you are...
So now if i grab your hair
I, confess these dark lustful urges
Beg, coherse, guilt work
Saddness then there is anger
Hurt,  and insecurity
Childish fear is that as is darwin's
To *******,  filling the vessel
To do as promised,  programmed,  built
So that when i am caught,
My life over and the gurney beneath
Shall an invisible piece remain.
But honestly,  right now...
I am arroused and you can feel it
Open your mouth,  i too gladly taste your fluids
I promise,  our secret,  just one time...
Penetrated and found it lacking
Spine,  self control,  or courage not to trade morals
right then, right there
I had you.
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2013
You, in this world...
Every time,..  Any time...
Eyes find time,.. For You.

How You were made...
The way You are,..
Intentionally flawed.

                                A Broken Mould, Post Perfection.

As lovely as You,..
Your imperfections,..
Here they are,... Beautiful.
They fit,... They compliment.

                               A Broken Mould, Post Perfection.

Even at distance,.. I fall...
Each time,.. Every time,...
For the way You can be...

                Perfect to Me.
1.0k · Oct 2013
About My Navel
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
About My Navel... by Jack Fehlmann

It is found at my center,
It acts as a reminder,
Of where I began,
Who I am from,
How it begins,
Was once an Inn-ie
Currently more an outt-ie
Forever the tether
and testament
to humble beginnings
And the parents that made me.
1.0k · Oct 2013
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
I smile
because I am eager
To not disappoint
Because I don't fit
I Lie
I am a Liar
I say what is pleasant
Promises of tomorrow
Take the fall
Not because I'm a bad person
I'm thoughtful
Using little lies
White necessity
Like Everyone
using them When the truth
Like me, can hurt
instead I spare them
I'm so nice
I Lie
I am a Liar
I use the very same reason
for nobody but myself
most of the time
So I can hide it away
So fluent am I
In this art of deflection
Protecting the lesser parts of me
so selfish, so frightened
so embarrassed by my faults,
Short-comings, things I don't like
So I lie
I am a Liar
See me, I am perfection
So easily liked,
I am lovely, thoughtful, caring
Tell me from the lies?
I have lost the ability
Who am I?
I Lie,
I am a Liar,
Selfish, uncaring
Insecure and hiding my reasons
Concerned not, for others
Unless it's their judgements,
So I Lie,
to be, to fit, to please, to pretend
Who am I?
I won't answer that honestly
I Lie
I am a Liar,
I blend in beside them
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
And I heard the words approaching,
So close, so fragrant beneath her pressed lips
I waited, I listened...

Encouraging the woman I thought I loved,
Please, baby pleading with all remaining hope...
It wasn't meant to hurt, it was foolish,..

Perfumed blissful ignorance in my waiting acceptance,
whisper the words love, no other may need hear them,
for they are for my hurt, my scarring heart...

In her beautiful green eyes,.. She wants to,
But there is only the longest pause...
then a tear, shed to roll easily away
and I am no longer the reason for the words

something did happen,
robbing the song they produce
in my heart, that in a breath, weakens...

Oh no, no, no, no don't give silence reign over our union.
Silence is nothing to my eardrums,
as it is...  Too loud,
and wretchedly painful to my heart.

So close, the words, the way to the way it was,
one last kiss will never come...

As she turns and lives forever part,
all that is left,
is the fragrance of a whisper
to remember, and words that never were never heard.

I'm sorry,... I do love you,
I will always, forever...

Words that never come.
1.  You are the one that I love wholeheartedly.
2.  I struggle knowing that you are lonely.
3.  I know that when I look at you, I forget to breathe.
4.  If only I could mirror such beauty.

Too late.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
A pleasant feeling, almost like pride
but less, not a lot less,
just enough
that it is what it is
genuine and unexpected
my surprise
here where I've posted
my words?... Those times,...
I longed,.. I hurt,..
I listened to My inner most...
finding my mind in written form
in portions and pieces,
exposed and analyzed
emotions and reasons
written in desperation
the worst of the lows
loneliness behind most my posts
Self medication
through words, rhymes
Untrained and imperfect,
sometimes dr. suess'ish
thought of, drawn out, organized and submitted
to the purpose
of getting to know myself
bit by bit, line by line
in fragments
and avalanches
of brutal honesty
To lie, to oneself
is daily practice
encouraged by what we see,
listen to, and all the things we wish
we could buy, to fill the void
is to fail, to ruin
lies in the lines
i made real
the intimate, too personal,
my vital moments
times that I see myself
behind older eyes
a child that was good once,
I was special
just like so many others
I still hurt,
just like so many on this site
So many minds, so alike, so close
feeling alone,
with out each other
so we wonder, we think,
we write,
so they might
esteem like light
eases the dark
moods, beliefs,  
easing the hostility felt inside
I am, sometimes capable
of exceptional things
talented... I can create...
I log on here, and I read,
and I see others
so many minds, so alike,
without each other
they write, and they read
and I am trending?
my heart and hurt,
my highs and lows
the entire search of my life,
my reasons...
worthy of their time!...
and I am encouraged.
941 · Nov 2013
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
This time, I found myself
Wandering the maze of the unwanted.
The meeting place
Of despair, and of worry
What-If's rule the gates
Insecurity a blaze
lights the way
light much like the setting sun
I fumble through the unfamiliar
Behind me,
Each step, Each twist,
Too many,
Another turn is too many
I am caught,
Wonderfully lost
To Her world
from affection
This time I go,
936 · Jul 2014
what it is to feel alright
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
My mood again a steady constant
still low, always low but constant
so I seek the solutions, search for normal
I approach and offer myself over
to those, the better minds, the doctors
they are wise and educated and have magic
in the form of pills that I consume
reporting back the basics, this didn't work
that isn't helping so they raise and lower doses
prescribing cures in pills and always asking questions
writing this and that factual results down
they see errors in my mind and I feel restless
again and again changing their minds
as I consume and return the effectiveness or lack therein
all I ;want is the sky that felt light and tasted fragrant
yet so goes my search for my cure as each is different
seeking that fabled equalibrium, that balance
aiming for the land of sunshine and
the state known once as happiness
again, always where life is
and emotions can be steady,  ups and downs
continuously changing in workable highs and lows
but alas, I am unable, and I continue only to try
the new, the stronger the most documented cure alls
of more pill to be taken with water day or night
forever dosing, hoping and trying to find my life
chasing that notion of what it is to feel alright

Jack Fehlmann
926 · Oct 2018
Sliding Eyes Always Away
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2018
I like your eyes
They suit you well
The slightest hint of green
Camouflaged in a sort of blue
Maybe grey
Hard to be certain
If I try, when I do
That is exactly the time
You decide to slide them away
Never knowing mine
Too often, too consistent
Don't worry,
I can read between lines
Pretty, I know you are used to it
Most that try are trying
To think that I am guilty
And my motives hide desires
Then there is no need worrying
I do not have designs or am I trying
Simply appreciating the colors
That compliment you friendly smile
Not my type though pretty you may be
Im a man of acquired tastes
It suits me, the ones that get me
the way they do,
Is less assumingly
Unlike you do.
assuming eyes,
Slide away always
897 · Sep 2015
Calm and Closeness
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2015
There is a calm
A sort of closeness
That comes after heartbreak.
With nothing else
But acceptance to cling to,
It reigns alone
Controls hope and futures.
In the lack of light
Calm resides in silence.
But one thought
brings with it the knowledge
'it will be Alright '...
Because it will.
Take this and be guided
Back to light and laughter.
To life and happiness.
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2015
      The times        I                am
       ­  my fleeting feelings.
My pugnant  emotions.

Thinking     of     new      ways,...
          Dreaming     up      old         things...
If,....        Only,......      
This pen could Scream!..  
                      Reasons        I           Am....


As      I       am,...
         caught up,
                       drawn in,
again     and     again,...
                           and        again,...
                                            ­             and?..

Me.                        Unexplained.
how to write about myself, at moments of torment and emotional reasons to write it down, or post it to the world, or,
to myself,...  curious things.
881 · Dec 2014
If I Am; Someday Maybe
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2014
If I'm the guy who waits,
is there some way?
Cause here I am,
I was, I remain.
The aging clocks face,
ticks out each second passed,

and here I am regardless.

Caught up in fairy tale nostalgia,
forgiven all the wrongs,
hurt endured,
selecting only the best
and cherished
flickers of glimpses
at night
just as I fade
to the place where you still come

there too, not always pleasant.
Sometimes I wake and ache so bad
but the cause of that is you
Will I ever turn you out,
face away?
Is this time squandered,
wasted, fruitless?
Or one day are we going to be, again?
Am I okay with no love unless,
if nothing changes,
distance remains,
who to blame
but my own cowardice.

Some day,
. . . . . . . . . one day,
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . maybe,

hearts can change
862 · Jan 2014
A Gift To Those
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2014
words are tools
some are blind
off guard and unready
caught in unwavering
beautiful green eyes
sunshine smiles
willing they, the fools
visually taken by you
as lovely as you are
barter away my protection
believe the words
spoken from full and practiced lips
as my lust consumes
ability to recognise truth from fiction
what's mine is foreign
apparition of such belied intentions
as lovely as you are
take as few or leave none
interested in pleasing
forgetting my own
cause for you i care too greatly
to doubt the sincerity
care not when you lie
the world is a gift to those
amazing green eyes
861 · Sep 2018
Beaten At the End
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2018
The steam it takes me
To reach each 6p.m.
Is unsustainable, exhaustingly so
With knicks and clotted flesh
Bruises aging brown
mix with, overlap the latest
Deep purples and ill hued blues
I am beaten by my own doing
Little to nothing is compensation
But the things i have touched
Broken made new again
From raw to finished, tangible
My hands, rough, scarred,
Talented and beat up
As is my body. Nightly.
By the end of the week i am a sight
Too tired to want morr from life.
Filthy and sore, single, alone
There has got to be more to life
Then the beast of burden i resemble
If not be the ending too soo
See i am beaten at the end
Jack R Fehlmann Aug 2015
Though three separate
with this last comes a cadence

Again without,  alone,
empty chested aching

The very first
And then later the second

This third confirms
My relationship pattern emerges
Like a drum beat
A cadence
834 · Nov 2013
People Pleasing
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
You spread yourself so very thin,
Leaving nothing for yourself, nothing for just you
Too busy pleasing, bringing others their smile
The open hands and needful faces, they multiply
Reaching, clawing, begging you,
Asking, calling, demanding, yelling
Taking, Always taking, Never helping
At the cost of who you are
This house of cards will fall
You, you will break into two parts
Then Two into Four
More, and more, smaller and smaller
And every little piece will shatter
Until they number in the millions
All that will be left, dust
Upon the dreams, covering the longing
the unanswered calling,
Dust and what if's...
No One around to care for you.
815 · Feb 2014
Smoking Puddles
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2014
Breathe brought in, with it sickness
Cause enough, it can all crumble
two pieces, more, four exponential
Onto the ruined floor of morrows
There they get ground down finer
by the ones that through words like love around
So very, very off are the scenes
Of a life, of first tries, of smoking puddles
Far off now is that guy, that person,
just but now only a reminder of poor choices
And it can and will crumble
cracking and falling away, into voids
much like the need, and want of breathing
sitting so close to the smoke that rises
each breath feeding and igniting
Foolish are the eyes that believe and abuse
salty water, vinegar for the wine we waste
when all of life crumbles around you
and you find the endless, unlit labrynth
fed by bridges burnt down just after your crossing
until no exit, No route, No saviors are found
the sickness comes in shards that turn to puddles
and this then burns to smoke, and ruins
work in progress
799 · Nov 2014
Back Then Was Everything
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
If I look at this life,
At today, or tomorrow
Yesterday, I see what is behind me
I see your face, my smile
exactly the way we once were.
Still I wake up tomorrow,
another day of pretending.
This is okay, but inside denial.
more and more hollow,
the way my heart aches,
so I don't look for tomorrows.
I much rather turn around,
and look upon those yesterdays,
because right now, the next day,
they seem less worth while
They are as empty then
as they are now,
yesterday is worth my gaze.
back then was everything.
Another from a low point in life, when looking back held more than getting over it.
789 · Sep 2014
My Confession
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2014
List my choices.
Even those,
I've in haste chosen.
Then won't you?
Show me,
My many imperfections?
Please, please,
Force my eyes open!
Play these.
I'll remember...
Ask me,.. Why?
I'm so rotten.
If you bait me,
I will speak?
I'll come clean?
It might be,
My Confession
don't know where or why this one came out....  Kinda cool though right?  Let me know if you like it.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
Her words had
calculated places
in which they were
strategically used
to inflict the worst injuries

To take a man
and leave
a lesser shell
of who he’d thought he was.  
altering the person
that he will become,
compounding fully the inability
in him to trust or feel,
to heal.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
With a heart made of paper mache,
A mask I had made the same way,
One to fill a vacant place inside,
The other tries to portray a lie.
But they still see my eyes behind,
That smiling face, they all see my eyes.
My heart made of paper mache,
And a mask I made to face my friends,
Because they don’t understand the way,
The hurting they say will fade away,
Never did; Stays the same.
So I pretend; I wear that face.
Smiling like they think I should,
A paper smile protects my pride,
A paper heart remains to this day.
Heart made of paper mache fills an empty place.
A mask I use to face each day,
Smiling for me to make them believe I am okay.
Made me a heart today.
Made from paper mache.
Made to take the real ones place.
Made to replace.
Made a new face today.
Made from paper mache.
Made it a smiling face.
Made just to face each day.
Made to hide the pain.
768 · Nov 2014
Paper Face, Paper Heart
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
I have a heart I made of paper mache,
and, a mask made the same way.

One to fill a vacant place inside.
The other, a lie.
But they still see my eyes
behind that smiling face.

They all see my eyes.

My heart made of paper,
and, a mask I made,
to face my friends.

Because they don’t understand.

The way that the hurting they said will fade away,
Never did...
Stayed the same.

So I pretend.
I wear that face.
Smiling like they think I should.

A paper smile protects my pride.
A paper heart remains to this day.

Heart made of paper,
fills an empty place.
A paper thin mask,
I use to face each day,
smiling for me,
to make them believe...
I am okay.
764 · Jan 2014
You... Regardless
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2014
And there you are,
that look, those eyes
A ghost too long haunting
And then there is me,
Still held by them
A fool that dreams of yesterday
Every time, each time,
Caught regardless, breath taken
And the fool chases the madman
In endless cycles of recognition
One coaches the way of acceptance
I remind myself that things change
But there you are,
And I am drawn up, quartered
The madman has his day
That look, those eyes

there you are
748 · Dec 2014
Caught Where She Left
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2014
To know my own
Thoughts, hopes, wants
To dream myself not caught
Pretending away the one
That would not, will never
Has already come, now over us
Yet here I am
Caught Where She Left
Stuck with my own
Thoughts, hopes, wants
Struggling in full circles
This slavishly special level
Of my own self contained hell
While alone I watch her
In mechanical fantasies of my
Thoughts, hopes, wants
Caught and not capable
Of moving forwards, on,
Getting over all I've lost
Making my peace with those
Thoughts, hopes, wants...
Caught when ever she haunts me
Where she left off.
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2014
Look up, I force my gaze up
I face that unwanted reflection
The hated man, the other half
Still addicted, Dependent on ****
The realization hits again
That I and Him, The same man
Night and Day difference
Pros and Cons I weigh
His motivation beats me to it
It is a sickness and I am sick
Of it of not wanting only to want again
Of being unable to manage
Everyday tasks and hobbies I loved
Creativity seems to visit
When it’s the good ****…
Again, That man before me now
******* this ******* mirror
He knows how badly I hate him,
He feels no where near the same
Content with his poison
But I can see it in his eyes,
He knows that it isn’t right
Will he help me quit this time?
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
This life of sugar sweet hopes and dreams
blanketing, shading, betraying what hazards lay beneath
things like failure, ridicule, backstabbing, self loathing
real things that our padded quilts of denial never reveal
until you fall, or suddenly the blanket is pulled
and all together we forgot to want this.
743 · Nov 2013
World Far Too Crowded
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
Little things can keep me
Eye to eye to
when I knew that silhouette
this time dispite my compromising
Goodbye's really go nowhere
When we do, You do
Goodbye's remain, vivid, real...
The rest of your life
So I don't meet most
I'm no observer, nor outgoing
Far too nervous, introverted
I just walk on alone,
In a world far too crowded
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2014
I'm doing this backwards it seems.
         This living, this life, this exhistance...
If that really is, what it is,... A gift, or a punishment?
         Similar to to *******, self gratification, that first one,..
                  Never another, not even the immediate second,..
After the first of anything,
           Has been,...  Is done,... Gets finished,...
                             Is experienced for the very first time,...
                                            The next and next and next,  the second...
              and on and on and on and on... are much much less intense.
More understood, less mysterious,... Less amazing,...  more like practice.
730 · Apr 2015
Painting a Face to Face
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2015
Painting this picture,
With you in it...
It is almost always you,
You find a way...
You are in everything I do,
And in every medium...
The lemon  yellow,
Phalo blue,..
The burnt umber,
Every hue...
Every color has you,
The way that I used to.
And these feeble ways
that I can still have
Through gentle strokes
thoughtful shadows,
carefully placed highlights
to effectively embrace those subtle shapes
When I miss you...
I paint...
To see you,
Face to face.
Missing her,  longing, painting, portrait, love, loss, heartache
727 · Nov 2014
The Day of Naming
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
This,..  My way,  my nature
Birthed to this,
My lineage,  this legacy,
Given,..  Named,..  
Long ago,  our lines given
Titles, trades,  qualities,  dispositions
Earned, bestowed, deserved,  taken
It was a day of beginnings,  
A day of firsts, lines created
It was a day of words
It says the day of naming.
Only are names given but that once
After that day,  one is born into
The name,  the legacy then passed
From generation to the next,
fathers and sons
My line: Fehlmann...
A man missing, or lost and searching?
Hiding?  Different?  A little off?  
Perhaps indefinable?  
Unreachable, exploring,  so misleading,
Misunderstood,  built different,  special
Untouchable, wandering,  leading?  
I can't help but wonder,  why?  Those words?
Was my distant relative present?
What a puzzling choice of words to be given?  Or,  earned?
Thoughts on ancestry,  bloodlines,  family trees,  names,  surnames,  why we are named these ways
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
A different view,
here, from the horizon line
Far off, out of touch,
Unseen by uncaring eyes
No longer searching
My eyes too tired to try
This vantage leaves wanting,
But only for the brilliance
bright, colors like spring time
the deep, unique, green
I begin to realize ruined me
cause they went, as she left
stealing the beautiful,
that was a blanket over everything
now I find only the drab, and boring
the muted, grey, plain
unwashed world, fading like memories
around me, or am I projecting
the way it feels throughout
is this unremarkable world mine?
A different view,

here, from the horizon line.
717 · Nov 2013
Once Loved, Once Tested
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
Always is the problem word
too easily misinterpreted,
Right now that is the issue we're facing
Read the words once written
My words, yeah, honest, genuine
Sincere and borne from emotion
At that time, In those moments
Lessons, each day, every decision
choices, reactions, retrebutions
With out them, this, that moment
those emotions, that heartbreak
I'll always own them,
I am who you know today as result
they taught me about this world,
about love, how it feels to hurt
missing out, longing after, loneliness,
moving on, accepting my own thoughts
learning to live and love myself
You,.. Now,... Here,.. in the present
This lesson, what I know I want
I'll always love what I once loved,
but the decision to devote time, thought
myself over to?... That is mine to choose
I choose you...
685 · Oct 2013
"Dreamt of Murky Water"
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
I have this dream...
   In which I am a wanderer

Dark streams,
   Of murky water
      Washing over...

No moon, nor stars
   Do force any boundary
      Eaten completely

Pitch Black, Empty
   The sky above

No means by which
   To measure this
      The endlessness of time

Here is only the cold
   Only the unforgiving
      Currents flowing

            Life’s murky waters

Endless, forever,

Out of control
   Constantly pulling

            My head slips under

Tired of fighting
   I learn to let go

Sinking beneath ever more
   Towards darkness
      Inescapable abyss
         To unknowns below
      Into the resting place
   To life’s secret
The true meaning of it all

   Letting go, I give myself
      I am welcomed back home
From where we come
   we all will go,...
683 · Feb 2016
Middle Aged Man
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2016
And I'm always tired,
 Not a lack of desire,
 It's just I'm so **** tired.
 Yeah, I'm Always tired,
 I feel down...
 Down, Down, Oh so down,
 Yeah I guess I'm feeling middle aged...
 And that's the way it is.
 Peek a long past,
 My prime in photographs...
 Believe me I am trying,
 He sent me I'm dying,
 No we can't be...
 things can't be,..
 So f hot...
 Only f
a lot,
 No it's just so ******..
 Quick to Let you down
 Even when I don't wanna.
 Middle age man that's my dilemma...
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
Brave Face
see me now,
Look at my brave face
I can be a charmer
Saying such nice things
Meant to disarm you
See me
I can be a liar
Saying the things
The real me cannot say
See my brave face
So patient and understanding
Hides the real me
I can be so unforgiving
Because I see now
I am not worthy
I am though
I am worthy of forgetting
672 · Nov 2013
O' We The Introverts
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
In days fueled by motion
most roll, go along, conform
effortless pace falls short
but if not for the weak,
then the timid, the unwanted
Unbalanced, and immune to empathy
leaving only the scorned
the ones that hear and feel more
imagine that they contribute to a world
that isn't sharing.
670 · Oct 2013
"Brave Face"
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
Brave Face
see me now,
Look at my brave face
I can be a charmer
Saying such nice things
Meant to disarm you
See me
I can be a liar
Saying the things
The real me cannot say
See my brave face
So patient and understanding
Hides the real me
I can be so unforgiving
Because I see now
I am not worthy
I am though
I am worthy of forgetting
668 · Oct 2013
"All I Miss Most"
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
I miss most of all
Is foolish thinking
Willingly accepting risk
Selfishly denying the all too possible
Believing in the happy ending
Deciding I don't deserve anything less
Offering my very weaknesses for protest
Make up ***,
*** that means something
Forgiveness in troubled folly
The good morning kiss
All the pushing and compromising
Little known confessions of insecurities
The way such beauty makes my ego pleased
But I don't have this...
I only know the last time I was so important
Most of all I miss feeling worthy
Even though I'm not.
668 · Nov 2013
Inside Isn't Right
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
it isn't right the way you tease me
much about and inside me isn't right
and I believe that you can see why
You must see right through my  body
to the downward destinations inside
Where I hide exactly what is felt
And when my heart is caught
is the trap then forgotten
On the contrary, the ordinary,
the less than savory,
The nothing special as the ignorant laugh
And as they do, the wise understand
this in itself cannot be easy
What is there yet that may be coming
So much wrong beneath
Some beyond, buried, unlikely
Other pieces are much less deep
These are mine, my secrets,
My own unlikable qualities, proud moments
Terrible wants, disturbing fantasies
Awful enough that they must stay down
Down is where demons go,
But I think you've seen them
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2015
Owning only stolen air,
I function, uniquely
To gently own the unseen
Felt feelings, I look to master,
The tiniest remnants,  tattered
Torn and misappropriation rule
Fantastic forbidden fragment
Fall into hell, held, unshared
No podium,...
no  speaker,...
nor a crowd, of any sorts stirring
Aggitating,  aggrieved masses
slaves in their blissless mindset
651 · Dec 2014
murky waters
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2014
"Dreamt of Murky Waters"

                                                       ­                       I have this dream
                                                           ­     In which  
                                 I am a wanderer
                                                        ­                            Dark streams,
                                                        ­ of murky water
                                   washing over.

                                                          ­                          No moon,
                                                                ­     nor stars
                             do force any boundary.

                                                      ­                             Eaten completely,
                                                     ­            pitch Black,
                               The sky above
No means by which
                               To measure this
                                                          Th­e endlessness of time
                       Here is only the cold
                                                         Only the unforgiving

                                                    ­                             Currents flowing
                                                         ­                            Life’s murky waters
                                                         ­              Out of control
    Constantly pulling
                                   My head slips under
                                                           ­            Tired of fighting
                                                        ­                       I learn to let go
                                                                ­    ever more
                                                            ­              Towards darkness
                                                        ­                         Inescapable abyss
                                                           ­              To unknowns below
                            Into the resting place
                                                           ­    To life’s secret

                                              The true meaning of it all
                           Letting go,
                I give myself
         I am welcomed
back home
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
A face spoke exposing
curled roads rising, rolling
Sweeping in all directions
Gentle shapes misleading
Echoing possible folly
questioning every turn,
disbelief bridging the errors
Yesterday's unremarkables
Left till now neglected, distorted
caustic and uninspired
victimized and untrusting
recognizing silouetted wrongs
made promises and failed at it
this road of folly, rewards, all contrary
to the words that face whispered
to lead one astray, to decieve
to make one face the unwanted.
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