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If I am to carry on through
Eye to eye with cruel nature
And intentional less caring
Found as is the case
I will call upon a trick
Using it to a brilliantly
Defensively of course, mainly
Who could be offended by my smiling?
Choosing to enjoy my day today.
I still can't say your name aloud,
I've got my tongue trapped in a cirrus cloud.
I still push on and play pretend,
to the planet's eye, you never happened.
But it's times like this,
where my mind swims,
and the ripples of mementos flow
then come casually crashing at my back door.
And though I keep it sealed,
you seep in,
flooding floors,
and all at once,
I'm sinking.


Copyright © 2021 by S. Y. Kalindara. All rights reserved.
Thinking about the girl who did more than break my heart at 14.
I see signs
In myself, my mind,
Thoughts and inner dialog.
Often unequal in measure
The encouraging worlds inside
Are given less and less time.
Thoughts thick with tar-like
Nature cling to more and more.
Sticky and persistent, jet black negative
And I consciously fight not to concede.
Grasping, groping, trying desperately
To counter and believe
I am better.  But am I?
The reasons I need, need to keep
Are difficult to find and the line is ever closer.
Signs too common are frequent
Tears that I realize I am crying ?
The calm voice within that speaks of an end.
I banish again and again to no end.  
I've made and am a mess of a man
And I tire of the fight.  Again signs I'm...
Bitter, afraid, and finding that I am to blame for all that I have not in this world.  This tiny life of struggle and bad choices.  Of pushing out before hurt or hurting.  I have accomplished only being missed by none.  Two steps from completely and utterly alone.  And I've felt so all alone to think that there comes yet even farther down is... Not in me. This depth is my limit, anymore and all deals are off.  So I sit and I struggle.  I write, and know I need to find someone I can talk to.  If I will? As I know deep down I must ... Has yet to be seen.  
As if a part of me just doesn't want to.   Growing Whilst Falling Apart is all I'm doing.
If you've read to this end, thank you.  For listening.  I x
Few words

Hurt worse

Be they used

Be they not

Few words

Hurt

either way.
I fell from the stars into your depths
so new and exciting
to the constant happy I was living in.
Swimming In your consciousness
Trying to figure you out
To pull you out of your slumber

Misery it seems glows like a flame
And here I am glowing with the same

And now I long for the stars from which I fell
If only I could take you with me to see...
But you won't look you won't see for me.

You clutch me tightly and push me down
so I won't fly away
But every day I dont.
every day I stay.
You think that you can hold me
but nothing outside of me can make me stay
I let you
Even though you feel this way.

We created something together
A choice of willing victims
Now it tethers us
to the end and beginning of time.
You were always too small in your mind
to see me truly,
and I didn't really mind,
Until I saw the truth I knew
That you were never really mine
And I never truly yours

We spend time hovering in eachother's atmosphere
Hoping to find some vibrational harmony
Though never really trying together for our own

I guess I loved you too much,
on too many levels
Too deeply, too high
That dissapointment was the spectre
hunting me in the darkness of the spiritual night.

What is there of redemption in my eyes,
if there is none reflected back?
The lonely are the brave,
The brave are the happy
Those in communion
must lose so much self to gain

But I am not of you
so I must refrain
To lose my self,
we lose the stars
and that possibility must remain.

I will not console you now
You must feel this pain
You must reconcile this shame
You must resolve this regret
So that we can be one again
You from the earth
Me from the stars
The ether in-between
Always will be ours
And in the resolution of every final hour
You know where to find me from way down there

If you dare x
So I say
To the king of
A land filled
With refuse
"What a lovely pile"
With a smile and
now deeply bowing
"Your Highness"
Upon a mound
Of broken, tossed away
Treasures
"Yours is the nicest"
The way my eyes and mind seemingly pursuit vastly different avenues at one time is nearly as amazing as the realized notion that I am still hung up on you.  While at work, relaxing and other activities you seem to come into and gather the part of my mind that can see with out eyes, outside of time. There we are and I remember.  But the memory of touch, of kisses, cuddling, love and... Those sensations I can only watch as they happened.  I do not relive or feel them.  Even where you remain mine.  It is not the same.  And I wonder what your kisses felt like when you pressed those perfect lips to mine.  I know I enjoyed it.  I miss it.
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