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 Dec 2021 Jack R Fehlmann
putiira
Be the tenderness I need
to a universe's brutality
I walked into that room and saw you’re body lying there,
I barely recognized you; lacking life, muscle and hair.
I looked into your open eyes like I never did before,
and spoke looking at your face instead of averting gaze to floor.
If they asked me to identify or claim, I can’t say that I could,
I never truly knew you or felt the connection that I should.
You were given the curse of cancer,
but gifted the knowledge and time,
but did you ever even think that the answer
could be to reach out your hand to mine?
I had so much I never said,
maybe you had the same.
I’ll remain running the sentences in my head,
but never question if I should feel blame.
For a child to not know a parent is easy as night and day,
as much as I should’ve known you, you should’ve known me the same way.
Now my sister and I are the only ones here,
the only ones with your name and blood,
and it shouldn’t even be a question or fear
if we were ever truly loved.
11/06/1958 - 10/25/2020
Why not me?
Was I too much
Or too little
Tell me
Was I bad enough
To just leave
Or were you
Cruel enough
Not to stay

Why not me?
I get it
You don’t miss me
And it doesn’t  matter
That I miss you
Does it?

Why not me?
I was already hurt
So I can’t say that
It was you
Who broke me
But I have to admit
That you leaving
Broke my heart
A little more

I know
World’s not about me
I know
That it was all
My fault
It just felt so good
Now it’s all just wrong
This is even worse
 Sep 2021 Jack R Fehlmann
Renée
i think that people take their love for granted
because i—
i’ve spent every waking night
of every aching month
dressed in every shade of you except your touch
i love and lose and hurt
and lust
your memory cannot sustain—your memory
is not enough—
to simply have your presence is the
thing for which i blow—
on candles
angel numbers, dandelions—even snow

and why, i always wonder
do so many that i know
take their love nearby for granted—
that’s one thing i’ll never know
I know you won’t read this
and I know you won’t care
but I will tell you what it was like.

It was blurry.
it was slow
but time was running fast.
It was dusty feet
and dusty souls.
It was feeling nothing
and then all at once.
It was hating you
to drown the urge of hugging you.
It was writing a poem
and post it
wishing you will relate to it.

But who cares,
you don’t.
May 2017.
I wrote this instead of telling you, even though you were there, dancing next to me. And we were made out of poison, finding new ways to hurt each other.
 Aug 2021 Jack R Fehlmann
Ziv
But it is a peaceful sadness.
There is no anger and
I am no longer at war with myself.
The battlefield is barren,
the weapons have been laid rest
and all the soldiers have gone home.
I fell from the stars into your depths
so new and exciting
to the constant happy I was living in.
Swimming In your consciousness
Trying to figure you out
To pull you out of your slumber

Misery it seems glows like a flame
And here I am glowing with the same

And now I long for the stars from which I fell
If only I could take you with me to see...
But you won't look you won't see for me.

You clutch me tightly and push me down
so I won't fly away
But every day I dont.
every day I stay.
You think that you can hold me
but nothing outside of me can make me stay
I let you
Even though you feel this way.

We created something together
A choice of willing victims
Now it tethers us
to the end and beginning of time.
You were always too small in your mind
to see me truly,
and I didn't really mind,
Until I saw the truth I knew
That you were never really mine
And I never truly yours

We spend time hovering in eachother's atmosphere
Hoping to find some vibrational harmony
Though never really trying together for our own

I guess I loved you too much,
on too many levels
Too deeply, too high
That dissapointment was the spectre
hunting me in the darkness of the spiritual night.

What is there of redemption in my eyes,
if there is none reflected back?
The lonely are the brave,
The brave are the happy
Those in communion
must lose so much self to gain

But I am not of you
so I must refrain
To lose my self,
we lose the stars
and that possibility must remain.

I will not console you now
You must feel this pain
You must reconcile this shame
You must resolve this regret
So that we can be one again
You from the earth
Me from the stars
The ether in-between
Always will be ours
And in the resolution of every final hour
You know where to find me from way down there

If you dare x
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