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Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
Look up, I force my gaze up
I face that unwanted reflection
The hated man, the other half
Still addicted, Dependent on ****
The realization hits again
That I and Him, The same man
Night and Day difference
Pros and Cons I weigh
His motivation beats me to it
It is a sickness and I am sick
Of it of not wanting only to want again
Of being unable to manage
Everyday tasks and hobbies I loved
Creativity seems to visit
When it’s the good ****…
Again, That man before me now
******* this ******* mirror
He knows how badly I hate him,
He feels no where near the same
Content with his poison
But I can see it in his eyes,
He knows that it isn’t right
Will he help me quit this time?
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2015
Of you all that remains
30 Seconds
the results of one decision
the foundation erased
turned away, lost
given no way
keep mine cherished
Whittled down few holding
Taken as you turn away
the love is gone
turned away they start blurring
blinking my tears
it replays, floating
Your last few words
These are my few
30 Seconds of You
So many miles
When you needed me
As closure now I sit alone
Only the scent of you
To remind
that it was real
I wasn't dreaming
I'm a melting *** of feelings
This time
I am smiling
I let the weight free
So long beneath
which I held Exercised
The long felt anguish
Confessed undeniable
Still unreturned
and more so undeserved
Because it is right
Less and inside
The design of making
To do and accept denial
Because I am loyal
and I a fool
know no other way
Only that of you
But this fault of mine
Clear signs and good reasons
overlooked and embarassing
Infuriating, unnervinly
Set aside hurt.
Eyes drying saying
I came because
Because to do so might
To do so,...
was right
not mine this folly
being unwanted
only foretelling the direction
Of you, you set out
Chose to go once more
I the shadow
The loss
I, once more
The saddest
I, won't go
Will not follow.

3600 miles of laughing, crying and now your path again shows
That you prl
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
37 times 37 and still I am alone not right I guess they all reach that conclusion to be honest myself they have valid and ample reason 37 and still no one can ride with start again this time with less less time for living each rotation seems faster the new one that just passed before I know it long white tunnels second only just met myself insecurity manifestation of a man but couldn't see his way out
30 second to empty my mind on paper if it doesn't make sense sorry but parts of it are pretty neat
1.  You are the one that I love wholeheartedly.
2.  I struggle knowing that you are lonely.
3.  I know that when I look at you, I forget to breathe.
4.  If only I could mirror such beauty.

Too late.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
You’re a beautiful fighter.
No other angel may compare,
In these eyes,
The one’s You gave me.
No heart have I known,
Bigger, kinder, genuine, gentler
No,… Nor any more unconditional
As is the way that you love.
As is the way of a beautiful fighter.
Mom, the day I found you,
Life having left you only moments prior,
I realized I’d never know another,
Champion already in my eyes,
A hundred times over…
Your strength, your will, your stamina, your devotion
Filled me, trained my body to react,
To fight back, so I tried…
I kissed your mouth and fed you air,..
Begging with encouraging yet pleading
words desperate, needed
Please mom, come back, not yet, I’m not ready…
Your tiny chest, in out of place wonder…
How could such a large heart reside there…
I pushed, I pressed I begged I kissed…
Fearing the worst but inside I knew better…
Because you Mom,
You Are A Beautiful Fighter.
This day you won,
Forever my champion,
I love you mom,
I have never been prouder than of you now,
Thank you for fighting Mom,
You never gave up, and I will never either.
Written the day that I found my mother and her heart had stopped...
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
About My Navel... by Jack Fehlmann

It is found at my center,
It acts as a reminder,
Of where I began,
Who I am from,
How it begins,
Was once an Inn-ie
Currently more an outt-ie
Forever the tether
and testament
to humble beginnings
And the parents that made me.
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
There, is the Sun
Always bright, forever moving
at times it seems to hide
beyond the horizon
this sets the moon wondering
wandering at times full,
often not at all
stars fall, thin trails in the night
across my world so quickly
a blink of an eye measures time
and that eye, that eye is watching
always earthbound, grounded here beneath
oh that heaven above us,
the endless sky that is our blanket
forever above us and beautiful
the ever changing sky
I know... blah,.  not even so so... creative juices not panning out today I suppose.  sharing anyhow.
I can afford no more to you
The oceans of solitary moments
Reversed and receding
Reveal to the few watching
Hulks gone under long ago
Vessels they denied lost
Broken and pulled beneath
How I felt about how you did not
Jack R Fehlmann May 2015
(written with help from Silly)

I heard those heavy Steletto footfalls,
So clearly from down beneath.
You walked on the rocky hills,
Of my sole souls surface.

I laid it bare and fragile before you,
Spread too thin, I am such a fool.
After you no birds flew,
No view from my window.
Like the certainty around my shoulders,
the winds of Fall announce the end of summer.

Let us share in this golden shimmer,
and as winds get louder, as they will,
let God know, his justice was served:

She found him and he found her.

But we never found each-other.
collaborative write,  it is interesting I like Silly's ability to save my weak lines with much better ones.   what do you guys think?   (so far)
Fickle really foolish locked away thoughts

Far away passed tomorrow's approach

So silly to waste any falling grain of bleached white sand.

Assured it will as not has it yet that measured construct

Unturning halts not such effect as ultimate result one's birth

Do wade life its shores appreciating all the rays of living

Before and in plenty for does come that twilight ending

Fickle time ushers us to the bridge spanning the unknown horizon coming

Fear so not as never one been that could not cross by choice nor folly

For home is there all today is to be cherished memory

Never loss never lost fading to make way the youth the way it was for us

As it should be shall be so think and drink in fondly your day taking joy and love along

Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2015
Another thought,..  Wonder what it was about?
This night's list goes on, and on, and what was I doing?
Oh, fixing to amaze, engross and... uh,... ADD anybody?
Humor is a weapon used by the first one to usually be hurt.
I've seen it, in the polished wall that has my face, my...
**** it all to somewhere constantly on track, focused, intended,
Thoughts that seed, bud to grow, flower as the motivation makes
use of the ability to foresee its own finalization
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
After Falling

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing.

I am different now,

Much more unsure,
Far more unwilling.

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing,

It changed me.

Much more guarded,
Far too untrusting .

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing,

Nights aren’t the same,
The moon, it’s once soft light,

Oh, after the fall,

Seem to press down,
Where it hurts me worst.

Oh, after the fall,  A hard landing.
I have fallen,
Survived the landing,

But I’m different now

Much more insecure,
Far, far less willing.

Oh, after the fall
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
It just sits there
Out place, in its secret place
tucked down, beneath, within
and that is a fault of my own
I know, I should be but prey
do something much like and about that
before it is ruined, or not
Neglected and broken, rusted
blueprinted and assumed tested
Maybe tomorrow
after work
a job i don't like
It kills me
Flourecent light leaching
Teathered to a short cord
Eyes that wont blink
As i slowly wilt
So maybe come morning
Ill finaly find time
If i can remember
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2015
      The times        I                am
       ­  my fleeting feelings.
My pugnant  emotions.

Thinking     of     new      ways,...
          Dreaming     up      old         things...
If,....        Only,......      
This pen could Scream!..  
                      Reasons        I           Am....


As      I       am,...
         caught up,
                       drawn in,
again     and     again,...
                           and        again,...
                                            ­             and?..

Me.                        Unexplained.
how to write about myself, at moments of torment and emotional reasons to write it down, or post it to the world, or,
to myself,...  curious things.
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2015
This end i fear is too soon impending,
The word has been given that my only means to Becoming the Saint I've crafted so carefully,  minding the smallest of details sets my art of misleading befriending double talking in another league,  another plane of existence, I'm the flame dancing upon the smoldering coals like yours.
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2014
words are tools
some are blind
off guard and unready
caught in unwavering
beautiful green eyes
sunshine smiles
willing they, the fools
visually taken by you
as lovely as you are
barter away my protection
believe the words
spoken from full and practiced lips
as my lust consumes
ability to recognise truth from fiction
what's mine is foreign
apparition of such belied intentions
as lovely as you are
take as few or leave none
interested in pleasing
forgetting my own
cause for you i care too greatly
to doubt the sincerity
care not when you lie
the world is a gift to those
amazing green eyes
That black and white,
Picture perfect everything
house and a wife
life's problems trivial
End with happy endings,
life is perfect
airwave education
We the TV generation
the picture box taught
as kids we believed
Life will be perfect,
As we deserve it,
Expectant, entitled ignorance
To believe life as writers dreamed
Love too easy,
be the stuff of legend
this life and the next
pact promised with a kiss
Forever, through sickness
and in health,
a financed diamond ring.
the world kept right outside
does not have theme music
and it doesn't give one ****
endings are neither good or bad to
simply death, pain, incarceratiosnd injustice and a clear line drawn
Have all | want it
Survival of the richest
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
A heart's patina
Or not...
to look At the end
a lifetime
to those or this
the road
To be first
see the fleeting moments
will be lost
my own design
time To meet you
You might know
that I lived
Foolish ambition
At my last of lasts
childish panic
disbelief my life  
The ending
To me
Is looking back
Such as we have to
My deeds
All I have been
much more than
A little more
Ownership over these
disagreeable scenes
When at last
a good idea
of a life lived right
The manner of being human
The brilliant ability of self
To silently anguish inwardly
Emotions are unique to each
Love is a fine line to walk
From the best and happiest
To waiting, silently, holding hope
Gambling the time to be living
Waiting, with no guarantee
So hard to change your heart and what it wants harder to change someone else.
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
Ihave a moment
I think ill write something
A poem maybe, about my world
how it gets crazy,
how much I suffer
just how to save me
I fyou even really want to
until then I wake up every day
to the sounds of my own scream
I don't know why this has to go south
turns out that when i write
it always needs to have negative tones
i guess my muse is a *****
honestly right now I feel fine
done my work, waiting on her
so we can put more ink under the skin
just thought that i'd write....

i did
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2018
Life is much like a train ride
Getting aboard is being borne
With the scenery your life
At first the things seen roll by
Slowly, scene to scene
As the train gains its hold
And the speed grows
Those scenes grow to blurs
And they are there only if you focus
Then disappear in the distance
Followed by so much you missed
Then things slow
You desperately take in the view
Cause as they do you know
When this train stops its roll
End of its line
End of your line.
Seems to short and unfair
How quickly you arrived
How little you saw
Too little,  too late.
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
A face spoke exposing
curled roads rising, rolling
Sweeping in all directions
Gentle shapes misleading
Echoing possible folly
questioning every turn,
disbelief bridging the errors
Yesterday's unremarkables
Left till now neglected, distorted
caustic and uninspired
victimized and untrusting
recognizing silouetted wrongs
made promises and failed at it
this road of folly, rewards, all contrary
to the words that face whispered
to lead one astray, to decieve
to make one face the unwanted.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
I miss most of all
Is foolish thinking
Willingly accepting risk
Selfishly denying the all too possible
Believing in the happy ending
Deciding I don't deserve anything less
Offering my very weaknesses for protest
Make up ***,
*** that means something
Forgiveness in troubled folly
The good morning kiss
All the pushing and compromising
Little known confessions of insecurities
The way such beauty makes my ego pleased
But I don't have this...
I only know the last time I was so important
Most of all I miss feeling worthy
Even though I'm not.
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2017
Was all it was.

All it is.
When too too often
The hardest choice
An awful decision

The reason.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2015
Preface, the time in life
before I ever knew
comprehending these people
Who I was, wasn't, just motions
A whisper of grey shade
In a uniformly ordinary world
Living was to be breathing
No attention, motivation, desire
Just another waste of existence
The day since passed
The pinning moment you befell
Alluring all things for reasons
This is me now, willing, able
Determined and deeply in love
All things have reason, purpose,
Desire in living, seeing a future
All things followed you.
I live in little world
Within these borders my kingdom

My walls, my keep,
My burden is mine and mine alone

Though I strategically seem beaten
This enemy waits afraid

Their toxic men of vision
Do not know my reasoning

All they can do is speculate
Behind these impregnable walls

The mad man king rules
Because he is aline
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2015
Preface, the time in life
before I ever knew
comprehending these people
Who I was, wasn't, just motions
A whisper of grey shade
In a uniformly ordinary world
Living was to be breathing
No attention, motivation, desire
Just another waste of existence
The day since passed
The pinning moment you befell
Alluring all things for reasons
This is me now, willing, able
Determined and deeply in love
All things have reason, purpose,
Desire in living, seeing a future
All things followed you.
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
This life of sugar sweet hopes and dreams
blanketing, shading, betraying what hazards lay beneath
things like failure, ridicule, backstabbing, self loathing
real things that our padded quilts of denial never reveal
until you fall, or suddenly the blanket is pulled
and all together we forgot to want this.
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
Lovely woman needs assistance
Shot up a flare
in a moment of duress
It's always like this,
it's always like this...

A man and his defences
Sees the light in the night
he changes direction
approaches, unknowing,
Its always like this...
Its always like this.

The man, his good intentions,
they ain't ready
but hoping he can help...
because he finds her
and she is so pretty,
She leads him,
and stings him
the way she teases,
Its always like this...
its always like this.

She can make him wonder,
he wants to read her
and to have her
She won't let him,
he can't touch...
she tempts, and pulls away
Its always like this...
its always like this.

She manipulates
using her smile,
she walks with purpose
and extra hip motion
She flirts and winks
but he's catching on
he's on the outside,
scratching the surface,
Its always like this...

its always like this.
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2018
To breathe.
Letting loose the reigns
This life, this plane,
this existance holds on One
Is to be selfish? It is,yes.
This is not bad.
To lose the inner self
Outside of time
And gravity and life
As our second self, the body
Knows such things as being
The mind is far more vast
Universes within oneself
Unending and limitless
Given one knows the path
It is where the soul is
Our true self.
To take a moment of self
Is to meet oneself
To come to understand
To celebrate the miracle we are
And know to know peace.
To breathe.
A moment of self.
I cannot say
I saw things could
Ever would
Play out this way
Life can be crazy
It can change
The way we do
Ways we think
We Better off
Long passed pain
The crushing weight
Loss brings
Pulled too far along
Out of reach
Caught up in
The day to day
Making we
Nothing but
An after thought
In this world of misperception
False words and rotten actions
I strive to mirror You.  
Fearless with the owning
Judgements cast not by
But only upon wrongfully so
I am stunned and admittedly
Humbled, by such
an amazing truth
A light in darknesd
I look up to such
I aspire to try harder
Learning from you being you.
I am happy
Honored that I
Have a friend again
Thank you.
To an amazing individual that only knows how to embrac and live each day as that individual.  You are special and I wish I knew more like you.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2015
And the angel said
you must have had a dream
and you remembered it
till the dream followed through
till the end,
till the dream came true

when I want something,  I get it.

and you'll remember that,  won't you.
Found in boxes writing but don't remember writing
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2014
Feel the crushing weight of it?

Beyond this the wasted,  
the fake, wasted.

The sensation
of darkened moments awaiting
daybreak and understanding

our past is playing
Cords of silk,
strung to be strummed,
a gentle note.

The price is living,
cast out, caught up,  
Knowing it was you...

You blew it.
Images played out every evening

Bitter sweet
the rotten misperception

Each scene you,  
And suffered through to numbness

To hold this,  
my happiest of moments
Without being able to know it

I find myself lonely,  
My heart weighted...

Seeing the end,

Noticing it to be...
an essential moment
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2014
what is it in me
that makes,..

creates me?,..

so uncomfortable,  

everybody sees less
Then pretend,  as I,
it's okay smiles quickly fade
I know it's my fault,
unacceptable and forgettable .
awkward, uncomfortable.
look at it, transparent,
The faint outline,  
my weakest image
nervous I tremble.
goodbye, hellos...
No eyes to be held,
Floors and skiess...
no its like,
Something not like
New material and different mediums
Resembling briefly
I look just like them.
Awkward social
insecure moments
I'm another. Awkward
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
We all have them,
mine are packed,
stacked, buried away
in my closet,
the half torn shoe box,
rebox, running shoes once
now it holds my past,
my photographs,
seeing the familiar faces
but one calls and holds my eyes
it is of You, when we knew each other
not quite the beginning, mid way
still happy and your eyes were hiding
you used to smile, but was it ever for me?
I'm beginning to think,
You knew that that day was coming
Then you told me,
and I watched you go,
another life ago.
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2014
Lighting my way, this the New
brought from hidden reaches
to be good, to feel good
And She, She is another wonder
One that makes me smile,
Catches the eyes,
Her voice like cherubs cries
to touch is to be renewed
another sense of new
There is me, this guy,
the type to quietly Die inside
this loss is familiar
but you promise, you do,
remember? I do.
blah... Out of practice....  work n progress
Feather light; the kiss goodbye
Countering the inward need
Shock fed omissions failing
The mirror holds him and disappointment laughs scornfully
And he knows, he will not
She won't let him...

Impotent and unwanted
I should not keep this

The manner of seeking then.

To be and do, to see no other

A thought worth meditation

I held the steps and acts likewise

In no portion to these reasons

Yet repetition , cadence, my prison

Another thought of you.

Again and again, my prison
The apex is

Really an end.

The higher

More important

The more time

One takes to know it.

Where am I in this?
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
Answers are curious things
When you don't know, you want to
Sometimes the questions they belong to are poisoned
Then there are the answers that cause more questions
cancerous, they multiply and the answers hurt you
Designed exponential
An endless cycle that will break and manipulate you
To no good end... never good
The wrong kind of questions
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
Oh, to view our world,
the way I do,
Through my eyes,
dulled and darkened
to the grey and shadowed
and you hide yourself away,
draw tight the blinds and shades
to the pitch black room,
the place of detached distraction
and you become a shade of shadow
a shadow of yourself
as the day, another precious day
fades to the west
and night pours on once more,
the world outside doesn't miss
doesn't attempt to find you
self imposed prison of depression
inside looking out,
view my world, the way I do.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
Upon imaginary wings,
Three beats beneath
Creation's favor
As lovely as You are
Truest green, your eyes,
the secrets,
unique reasons
Your smile, isn't for me
As lovely as I let you be
As lovely as I allow
Given wings.
You above, Me?,.
Behind, beneath.
these eyes for once
See what I can find.
what needs belief
I believe,
because its you.
you can be something.
little or as grand,
As I want from you.
Someone pure.
Unique to a world,
offered up.
To You,
your beautiful face.
As I gaze up
to you,
my new heaven.
As lovely as I will never be,
As lovely as I Let you be.
I see her in ways she doesn't
Unremarkable, therein lays the unresolved.
I long after special, treasured, vaguely memorable.
Perhaps this is a folly on my part, wanting
As here I sit, hesitant, gazing out of the window.
Same as the last, the one before, prior, after.
This routine spoils the hungry fire and dims the brilliant light within.
Colors seem different, shaded, washed in grey.
Opening the door I dutifully commit myself,.. once more
The beginning, here at another day.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2013
A well placed whisper,...
Almost like,..
As if never intended
Made lighter, thinner,
will seem to shimmer,
much like heat at distance
Sunlight bends,
Glimpses of what lay beyond
dances out of reach,
enticing, inviting,
random and impossible,
thirsting for promised water
whispers can ruin you
leaving you lost,
walking in circles
Jack R Fehlmann May 2015
in love with going on,
Moving moments i barter,
to remember little pieces
ones that matter
most lay open
there is a lesson in this
a world of less and less,
for all I own there
is no reservation in heaven
friends, unfamiliar faces
I know within,  without,
With all I have not
a way in which to express
The numbness and unnoticed
There is there
In a world of less and less
really really really really quickly written
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
If I look at this life,
At today, or tomorrow
Yesterday, I see what is behind me
I see your face, my smile
exactly the way we once were.
Still I wake up tomorrow,
another day of pretending.
This is okay, but inside denial.
more and more hollow,
the way my heart aches,
so I don't look for tomorrows.
I much rather turn around,
and look upon those yesterdays,
because right now, the next day,
they seem less worth while
They are as empty then
as they are now,
yesterday is worth my gaze.
back then was everything.
Another from a low point in life, when looking back held more than getting over it.
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2014
Bartering to simply remember
little pieces that matter most
All have been allotted
given to those I owe
for energy, or ******, or wild and crazy
even lazy if that was my mood
I didn't see, what I was paying from
Young and foolish, chemically dependant
Oh, then it was just hand me release
just want this party to never end
in love with this music, beautiful movement
And the pretty girls, the heavens they were off to
Sure I'll give more to the dealers, more moments
I forget that I've given, nothing missing,
my O' What a deal, to feel so special and needed
bothered less and less by the cost
maybe later I'll rebarter for my life back
they can do that, can't they?
so now, I'll lose the milestones,
first smile, favorite game, the little things
now I'm flying baby
at the price of the pride my parents held
but that has vanished like myself
Fragmented, puzzling and pathetic
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2018
The steam it takes me
To reach each 6p.m.
Is unsustainable, exhaustingly so
With knicks and clotted flesh
Bruises aging brown
mix with, overlap the latest
Deep purples and ill hued blues
I am beaten by my own doing
Little to nothing is compensation
But the things i have touched
Broken made new again
From raw to finished, tangible
My hands, rough, scarred,
Talented and beat up
As is my body. Nightly.
By the end of the week i am a sight
Too tired to want morr from life.
Filthy and sore, single, alone
There has got to be more to life
Then the beast of burden i resemble
If not be the ending too soo
See i am beaten at the end
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