Running through shadows, forever underneath them. Falling into sadness, killing myself to quell the fear. Living full of doubt and never knowing why. Throw myself in front of trains, just want to know how the steel passes the time. Pressed against the terra, I feel its heart beat underneath the dirt. But no matter how fast I dig, I can never seem to reach it.

Reaching out from a room with no windows, doors or holes.
Just a screen of blinding lights and a snarling dog that never sleeps.
Maddening I feel; so far away yet it feels just barely beyond my touch.
I hear your heartache, its rhythm is in sync with mine.
Do you hear it? Can you feel it?
Or am I just the white noise that we drown away with inner thoughts.
I try and flail but to no avail.
Alone with the terrible beast in the room that can only be opened from outside.

Here I sit
In the prison-cell inside
My body and my mind are at constant odds
In a struggle to the death
Always fighting, beating and crippling; never admitting that they need one another to survive
I await with horror and dread as pieces of me duke it out
Incognizant as to which one will retire first
leaving what remains flimsy and broken
Unable to resist the great plunge

Straight into a hospital or maybe the morgue

An old woman once said to me, fear not for you are just a ghost, driving your body. Your body is just a skeleton wrapped in flesh and nerves. And though you may feel alone, we are all made of stardust old as the universe itself, connected by our timelessness. And if you ever feel out of control, just remember, we are all hurling on a rock, rounding a molten sphere at a 1,000 miles per hour always staying perfectly in sync.

I read a poem today that changed my life forever. I forgot it though and now all there is a feeling of salvation that that I'll never know. It's a crime to fall in love... At least at the depth I do. I dive too deep and by the time I realize i'll never get to Atlantis, I try to ascend without the bends however I never quite make in time and somehow even on the surface, the feeling never ends. I'm sorry I love you. I've killed my heart to make it true. I'm so sorry I ever met you. You're the only one that made me whole. A perfect being that battled gods, an unbreakable glass that always remained ever full.

Lost upon the bluest deep, I am a ship with no plot to course. Aiming for a spot on the horizon, never knowing where I go.  

Me and you, we met on open water, two vessels in the watery wastes, lost together all on our own.

But as the break and tides rise high, I now don't think it was fate or fortune, we were just two ships in the ocean, lost together all on our own.

So though it pains me to turn asunder and go it all alone, I know now that there are ships still out there, lost but still looking for a home.

Tick tock, the work clock never stops.
mind nothing that matters and fall into the hole
that ends when we retire.

Toiling all day makes me realize
I'm barely even an adult.

I don't know and can't show and as
the tick tock knocks hours off my clock,
all I want to do... is go home.

Drink myself into a stupor and
dream about being a kid again.

Comes home at end of days,
Pours oneself a drink.
Then another and another.
Can't talk about what's really wrong
when there's no one to tell to.
Goes to sleep then repeats.
Life slips by when the moments are
only captured through a single pair of
eyes. Never shared, never social.
Loveless in the world that cares not.
Not for one that cares not for self.
Time goes by at a rate of eternity. Eternity
goes by like a race that ends when one's
heart finally quits.

There I was, wandering in a part of town I never know. When there I spied, with my squinty marble eyes, You there, Walking across my way. Oh, how I'd like say hi or perhaps just follow along beside, finding a path through your certain steps. But alas, there I stood, fixated on your figure, passing-away upon your path. Today I felt a funny kind of stab.  Like seeing a dead lover reincarnated but certain that they remember their past life if they tried. So I watched you fade away along the horizon, feeling more lost the further you went... Disconnected with distance, lost in a part of town I never know.

Don't hold on to anything. Nothing is where we all begin and where are we all will end. Everything in between is just a continuation of the unknown process that we all exist within.

Love means nothing, age is everything, we are dirt and dinosaurs. Absence is a relevant. Feelings are meaningless. Do everything, do nothing, no matter the outcome, nothing matters. We are matter.

Fly high, until you reach the stars or until your wax melts and your wings burn. The Sun'll burn us all away in time.

Don't hold on to anything, just let go and fall or float because we are all in the void.

Just a slip, a little trip, a lurch, maybe hit the lip, a stumble, a dip, the realization that that gravity's waiting for us to succumb to the drop. Then comes the fall, once and for all. The embrace of waitlessness, tumbling and turning, careening and cursing. the terror, the shift, the dark, the bliss. But all for not, for nobodies tripped, it was all on your head, you just had an anxious fit. So slow your breathing, calm your mind, get it together and get back in line.

I still dream of you. Hits hard sometimes, when I do. A punch to the Heart, another crack in the soul.  I dream still, frozen in our moments.
In that other-world, we laze and lay, embrace and love even as if the time has not passed, moved on... Over us.


I still miss you and makes me feel crazy. But if one is all I get, I can't imagine a better dream.

Love,
Gilbere

The first one was a work in progress, She and me were figuring out how to live as wasted youth; young and dumb and full of love, all of which never tested upon another before. Little did we know that life is long and ugly, full of beauty and despair. Eventually falling back into earth's dirt, back into the mix and matter of it all.

The second, Lovely as the most brisk of winds... But flawed as a broken winged little bird, cursed to only exist among the terra creatures. She couldn't be what she could be without being a skeleton, a living contridictory to what we believe. Lover of debasement, Self deprecation and goddess of starvation; I was your believer, your boulder in the sandstorm, the step you hiked to get beyond the person I loved. As flawed in this life as we were, I loved you beyond my own ability to even perceive.

The third, The one I still can't refer to without tears or despair. The end all and be all for my being. I met you in a moment that was random and cost nothing yet cost most of all, You stole my heart and part of my soul. I told a friend the night of... "I met a girl tonight and it made my night, she struck me in a way kinda like lighting might".  Its over now and when all said and done, Life belongs to us and us alone. The three taught me to be me, As in be one and none, be the tree and the dirt, the best and the brightest, hardest and most hurt and above all, keep moving; even if it means forward then back again. Forever and than again and again and again.

If *** is sweet and death is bitter, then love is both. It will always and forever... Break your heart.

Lovely little Lover, I mean Liver. Sorry, I'm a little drunk. I'd just like to say, no matter how the world phrases you, You are a perfect part of me. Just like my Heart or my Soul, the only exception being of course you work much harder for us then the rest of those louts. We are always one. My one wish is that I could filter you out, as you do me. Make our hurts go away, our silly feelings but a whisper in the breeze of life. Cause when faced with the whole picture, all we'd like is to live 3 sheets to the wind and when finally stricken with death; to die as a real animal, alone without worry as to what comes next.

I love you.
Yours, G.

If a person can be judged solely on one's socks, then I do believe I am a man of modest yet righteous means. For you to determine my grit as a mortal with the substance not concerning the shields I wear upon my feet, means you are without proper ability of dissection of one's character. I love one other, as the Earth loves the Sun; immeasurably. And most honestly, I try to see my surroundings as if I believe that every blade of grass could be converted into a trumpet that speaks to the ages in any moment in time.

Ghost in a shell. Soul in hell. I just wanna yell! But instead my eyes swell and burst into wells. Deep and dark, down I fell. I want to escape my cage and fly away but if I can, only time will tell.

What do we call something that has no name? How do we say something that without the words to convey? Do we call it god, or the universe or maybe Love? My heart just says it hurts. My head reminds me none of us matter. My body feels the world and tells me the weight of it is too heavy for my soul. My self says nothing, as it is bound beneath a steady concoction of klonopin and Duloxetine. But my dreams, they say everything I can't or won't and they never serender to anything or anyone no matter the pain of living upon this caluss earth.

So I sleep and relish in my own deceptions, for when I think of waken life, what is the difference in the end?

When you all look inside, all you'll find a beast too dark to name.

Woe befalls the foolish one's who love too soon. For when our hearts are but one and same, the world falls away along with all sorrow and shame. But as the flames of love wisp and wain, the simple hearts of newest lovers know not what to do in vain. So in the wake of broken souls and shattered dreams, there we sit and there we'll stay. Long past the time of mended wounds, Woe befalls the foolish lovers, the one's who loved too soon.

thanks no thank you yes may i see a menu? have a nice day the blt please i don't need one bass please i might as well look the part i'll try the country boy ipa thank you no change.

They say we all die twice. The day we expire. And the day the last person who really knew us, says our name for the last time. Though I am but a single servant of fate in the most insignificant of ways, I strive to love what I can in this world of so few decent moments. I try to be true in the midst of our cosmic riptide that brought me to the edge of my own free breath. My time is but a instant. Here or there in this world of never ending time, I no longer believe in a linear existence. I am born and dead and young and old all within my own single space. Life is hard to comprehend when the squeeze of a trigger ends a life and even the truest form of love doesn't survive a fortnight. With this epiphany, I strive to only be a shadow because without acknowledgement of self, I neither live nor die. I am but spectral observer, budding anew at end of all things.

Dear Willa,

I'm writing you for health and recovery, not just selfish feelings of affection. The truth is your love haunts me still. When I turn off my lights at night, its as if you're in the corner of the room still whispering sweet gestures in my ear. My love persists without permission and only rears itself in my dreams. You are not just the girl of my dreams, you ARE the girl of my dreams. Even though your physical presence left me long ago, your phantom stays in my mind, caressing me and keeping me company in the loneliest crevasses of my brain. I miss you every morning and think of you often in waking life, though it seems harmful for me. I can't help but think of you when just the night before you smiled at me so sweet and told me you still love me in so many different scenes. It appears that when I told you my heart was yours with my hands cupped together with nothing but air in them and tears in my eyes, I was giving you more than I knew.

It's only you for me, just like the whooping crane, for he has a wife his for all his life and if she dies, he'll do the same.

Goodnight,
My Hotpak

I am of the unwanted, the ones of the dark. The scarred, the misshapen, the ugly of this world. I exist in the lonely avenues, with the rejects and fools that played with fire until they burned all the bridges off their islands. I am the drunk on the corner, the crazy man that no one in this world loves, I am the fool in the alley that smells too rank for "decent folk" to get near. I and we are the reminder of the world that is and will always be, not some glamorous movie scene nor a figment of the imagination of those pretty and of privileged. I am the bomb that severs limbs, and the rage that downs planes. I am what no one wants to be and until my demise I will be what the world says I am. Because that is the way this awful world works. So go forth with the heat and pollution, the death and despair and maybe just maybe the good goddess of Gaia will rid herself of our parasitic presence. fuckit.

dear most lovely one,

Here I sit, bed ridden in sight of the setting sun. This weary mind is weathered from pain and grief and these features are spread too thin to see youthful man inside my heart. In this room of sterile whiteness, shadows grow into each other, Preying on my feeble time. Despair would have captured me long ago had it not your memory. I have thought of you every day since the day we met so long ago when we were but children. And until the breath ascends out of this wrinkled shell, you will be with me. My love, my friend, my other half.

It's been 42 years since you and I last spoke. And the time I have is so brief, I know we never will again. Please just know that my unquenchable heart will beat it's last moment in your hands. I gave it to you once and it has always been yours ever since. My sleep is around the bend and when I am returned to the earth and tides, I will finally be able to embrace you again, In the wind.

Goodnight my sweetest part.

End of the line for this silly wretch, his blood is too thick and his heart too big, for every passerby throws stones at it and laughs at the size like children taunting a wounded bird. He has reached the end of his pitiful rope, long over due in this cold world where we break each other hearts for sport and feel righteous while standing in the wreckage of one another. You who shamed the man back into a boy because you grew tired of his face in your pictures, should die a hundred deaths in a pit all alone for the sake of wisdom. Maybe you might do less harm in future lives to come.

Here writes the roots deep in the soil, wet and dark with not space to feel under the weight of our rotten, old weeping willow. The top limbs are old and covered in blood and shame. So long ago did they commit acts that turned our core black and withered us in state and soul. Tarnished is our trunk, for too much of us drank fire water and wailed at its younger parts about missed opportunities to grow. Over the ages, we've colored our rings with dark red and copper, making us knotted and stubborn, unable to sway in even the gentlest of breezes. For when we once stood straight and true, now we are but bent and broken, like a shadow upon the ground cast at night. Crushed under the heavy burden of ourselves.

Wind in my face, skateboard wheels careening toward my destination with a fervent pace, so many groceries on my mind. My music blaring within my ears, filling the world with some gift wrapped three minute long purpose for being. No one else is in my world as I roll along the concrete sides, just enjoy the beauty of the moment. Then tragedy strikes like a viper in the dark, the spot in my mind that I manifested with wood and wheels and speed, all set to a musical soundtrack is shattered with a single blow. Not a pebble or unseen ledge but you. You come into vision, my thief of heart and soul, my dreamtime tormentor, my love that won't or can't subside. Trailing behind you of course is whatever you've replaced me with, some superior person in appearance or attitude. As I roll ever nearer, all can do is imagine our perfect conversation, you know the one... That one makes you fall in love with me again. but as our bodies close in on each other, almost until I could grab you and kiss you with the supreme passion I still feel, my imagination melts back into the part of the brain that keeps me sad and all I do is make a fake smile in your direction give a half hearted waive and continue passed, trying not look back at you and the person beside.

The store I find, has an excellent selection of wine and spirits. I pick one, douse myself in it's forgetful qualities and sleep without dreams. For once leaving you out of where you should no longer reside.

I am but a dream, you are but a memory. I am flying high, you are roots in earth. Your love is a moment and mine is everlasting. You are an untied shoelace, I am double knotted. We once were a wonderful rotation, like the one our world makes now and again but now we are as magnets, forever pushing away from each other.

4am. Late night 7eleven run. Hat, coat, scarf, out the door. As soon as I exit the building the cold invigorates me, I sip on the night air and breath out the steam of life. I walk slow and steady despite the drink in me, mastered my balance long ago. No one and nothing is awake but me and the stars. And I relish in the world's absence. As I walk, the street lights reveal it's snowing, little gingerly particles flutter toward me like a dusty lamp shade when disturbed. Memories flood back to me, times when I was in  love and every snowflake that dropped before me seemed to bring life anew. I stare longingly at the sky with an appreciation that could never be described with mortal words. Only that fleeting gaze that stays with you forever if it is set upon you, etching itself in your heart.

Then I walked home…Back to earth.

Truest love,

We have been apart now longer than we were together. Strange as the time flies like a bird in the hardest wind, my heart still beats the rhythm of your name and my soul is but a broken vase without your hand held in mine. I swear to you that I have tried in honest to lose the longing that plagues my bones but my love for you persists even now. Like a river it flows onward and though its depth may change by the season, its nature is unending. I still keep your picture in my wallet not because it does some service or I bring my eyes about it often but rather that the deepest part of me will not permit its absence. My love is hard and true and nothing seems to persuade it from its purpose, not even me. I sleep more then I should now because my love remains only in my dreams and my world is made of what moves me, whether it be what all can see or just me.

I think of you often,

Gilberto

Gone… You left me and with you, went my sanity. I dream no more in color nor do I feel the bliss of mornings light. I sit up and fret throughout the early hours and long for lover's rest. You took my mind and imbedded your simple sweetness within, making my slumbers a place unbearably kind. For each time I slip into myself, I go back to when we were the sun and moon. Like the agony of the god of stolen fire, woe is me, for every night you steal my heart and every day I must learn to live without it.

Truth is but An endless river, running through my heart. Love is but a dam, blocking all that wish to pass. Time is my boat and guilt my oar, and this water is one best traversed alone. For when I drown in the darkness beneath, I want no one else to share my fate.

The way the whiskey flows makes fools of us all, especially the soft hearted and hollow eyed. I drink for the times I felt like as if I mattered, we get drunk because we know it was never true. 24 and  nothing much left. Just time to waste until darkness drinks me up. I am but a silly lummox, lost within myself. Braving the endless crystal seas, I laugh despite an absence of any joke.

I am the captain of a beautiful ship, stuck inside a bottle. Built painstakingly just for me.

sickness in vain making the earth rumble in the deep hoping that hearts connect and remain ungrateful so is but the truth in the shadows waiting for solemn strangers to wrestle the moon out of sky and stars away from the darkest night holy fools in oceans tides and nothing but hatred in your eyes now i sit in soot and grime waiting for my justly time to say the only feeling for yours is mine

( Knock, knock. )
Hey, can I come in?
Hello, yes of course. Would you like any tea or water?
No thanks.
Ok. So how was your week?
Fine, I suppose. Actually now that I think about 60/40 on the ****** scale.
Explain.
I don't know, I've been dating this girl for a while now and it doesn't feel like it's going anywhere.
Andi?
(Cough.) Yeah.
Hmm, I thought things were going well with her. Can you explain your feelings a little bit more?
I guess I'm feeling like she likes me, just not enough.
What do mean not enough?
I mean she likes me but it feels like i'm just somebody to occupy her time until finds someone who is what she really wants. And I'm not sure if she's what I want either... I don't know.
Hmm, that sounds frustrating. Are you sure your not just misreading her? I mean, everybody has a different dating style.
That could be that i'm just reading into it too much but she's kinda flakey and if you ask me, thats a good way to tell how much they like someone.
Not always, but I understand how you feel. Maybe you should consider asking her how she feels?
I don't think I'm at that point yet. The thing is, sometimes we have a lot fun. I guess i'm just confused.
Dating is hard. It takes a lot of courage.
I suppose. I just want to find someone that makes me as good as willa used to.
I know, but I don't think it does you any good to focus your past relationships.
Yeah... I know. Can we talk about something else?

End

My world revolves around you, and my being, it surounds you so I'm sorry if I'm bound to you. But I'm inside myself and you, your always on the highest shelf. I miss you, I kiss you, in my dreams at least. it's what it seems at least. You hurt me, you unearthed me.

And I've come unbound.

We said our goodbyes long ago. Sand in our socks and the salty smell of bitter ends. I swam the ocean length because I loved you. You walked that winding road to ever after for someone else. I miss the smell of the sea. I'm afraid you took it with you when you left.

Its been 10 months. I still keep your picture in my wallet. It reminds me it wasn't a dream. I keep it in there because in truth, I can't remove it. every time I try, I stare at it and it just stares back, you stare back... Smiling.  Frozen, with your perfect, everlasting smile. And in that moment, I can see in your unchanging expression that you love me.

And then I put it back in my wallet.

So instead of removing it, sometime later, I find a place to get drunk and stumble home and bleed my eyes to sleep.

here i sit, ghostly in the mist. what was once passing time is now but a chiming in the wind. i died at twenty two. broken by the truth she told. and though i won't be buried for many years to come, my heart stopped on that faithful day.

when all came crashing down.

**** the day! with it's brightness and everlasting sight. i hate the sun! how it gets in your eyes and burns you even when its cold. seattle can go **** it! with all it's insufferable yuppies and endless rain. just gimme a dark place and blanket with no one else around.

for that's my idea of heaven.

one of these days, you will be me. one of these days, i will be you. one of these days, the world will turn in my direction. one of these days, the wind will blow the dust across the sea. one of these days, i won't think of you quite so much. one of these days, my heart won't have so many cracks visible when you look into my eyes. one of these days, the tree's in my yard will be big and strong and no longer bothered by the wind. one of these days, we will be old and full of hard lessons and tired sighs. one of these days, we will return to the earth and be one again.

one of these days, but not today.

love is not serious. it is but a way of nature that exists in all "higher" beings. it is not important nor is it useful. we as a culture put our emotional stock in this idea without thinking of its repercussions. life is not a movie. we who love are fools of the highest caliber. chemicals, hormones, the world tells us to appreciate one another and for what? to make babies? why? why, would anybody want to do that? if there was a button i could push to end humans entirely, i honestly believe i would think about it only for about 45 seconds. just long enough to think about what i felt as a man in love and then how i feel now as a human without and then BOOM! the world would fix the ecological damage we've dealt it within 250 years, the polar ice caps would normalize and true idea of nature would continue as it should.

undisturbed by love.

"we are but dust and shadow in forever of time"

I awake sometimes, numb to the storm that rules my life. I get up, brush my teeth, clip my nails and try to tend to all the things I neglect in my hurricane of sadness and mourning. Honestly I find it strange and foreign when these moments pass through me, like a man suddenly appearing in a wasteland, wandering all alone. Not knowing which direction to travel in or when the end will come for such a lonesome soul. Nevertheless, the vastness is undeniably awe inspiring. Somehow I find a peace in the clear weather of not feeling. A fleeting peace, but I try and take time to relish in the fact of not being pained by thoughts of the future. Its not like my mind is cleared of the thoughts or feelings, Its just that in those merciful periods I don't care. You haunt me wherever I go most days and even so, left to my own devices, I would probably never allow you to leave.

I find the time is a special kind of freedom I do so enjoy.
Unburdened by the thought of you.

What brighter parcels of my soul used to resound upon my being are now but a shadow in the valley of my heart. All of my better Angels have escaped, leaving only the scars they exited from. You who were my solitary unknowing protector, are gone now, and in your absence, only demise of self can follow.

sitting in a park, not too far from your home, i wandered the grass still wet with rain. I watched the leaves fall silent, fluttering to the ground like broken birds trying to land without dying. there in that serene scene of nature and disrepair i saw the boy, laughing and running, oblivious to the melancholy. he shared my features, just as if i had a son. stricken with wonder, i watched myself frolic in the damp and dreary weather loving the simple state of the world. it was at that moment that wished i was him again, free from the pains that the weight of the world press upon us. free from an endlessly broken heart, pieced back together too many times to call it whole. i wished myself a kid again. yet no man goes back and no scar is disappeared. the rain cries for us, those who are too tired to shed anymore tears. and so it did and i fell deaf, in awe of the blessed beauty of youth in all its splendor.