tired, tired of being alive. tired of breathing disgusting air and the lies the world spews forth from its idiotic bowels. tired of picking up trash and squeezing through the crowds of happy-go lucky yuppies and their screaming chocolate covered children. tired of seeing you every ******* Sunday. tired of shedding tears for constantly thinking about someone who doesn't think of me anymore. tired of the realization that having thoughts means nothing and they are but silent deceivers of what could happen only in my deepest heart wrenching dreams.

just plain tired.

i guess it's time to do as the doctor ordered and pop another klonopin.

*******. i hate your stupid ******* face. you left me and i fell apart. i am a crumbling mess of a man and you just keep on being you, making music and drawing and being happy with your new ******* boyfriend. you probably tell him he's perfect too. what a ******* lie. i should have spit those hollow words back at your feet. you hurt me so bad my body revolted against my mind and all i do anymore is fight away the panic and anxiety of  being me. i have new pills now, valume, effectsor and citalopram make up my new life.
i've bottled my anger until it made me pass out and puke but now, in this moment of painlessness, i just want you to know that you ****.
and i love you. i really, really do... but who the **** even cares. ****!

There I stand, naked for the world to see.

I look into the eyes looking back at me.

And all I can see is blue iris' and sorrow behind those funny shaped pupils.

hello.
hi.
how are you today?
ok, as usual i guess.
just ok?
yep.
would like any tea or water?
no thank you.
ok. well, how was your weekend?
fine i guess, i went out with schuyler and his girlfriend and austins girlfriend. i guess their friends now. we went to the beach. i didn't eat anything and drank all day so i work ****** the next day.
you don't sound very enthusiastic, didn't you have a good time?
sort of, cora brought a friend and i apparently wooed her somehow.
well that's exciting. are you interested in her?
not really.
why?
i don't know. she seems really nice and smart, i just don't have any real motivation to go through all the dating hurtles right now.
can you explain?
(long exasperated sigh) i'm just tired of being disappointed. the person i'm in love with dosen't love back anymore, i don't really want anyone else and the idea of meeting some new person that somewhere down the line will tell me i'm "perfect" and then leave when i've invested myself into them sounds pretty awful.
what about all the parts of dating?
what about them? i guess i'm just tired of going out with people and thinking of willa the entire time. it makes me feel boring and crazy. i try to hide it and not focus on it and you know what happens? i get asked like 4 times a day if theres something bothering me. i'm just too transparent.
i understand, how you feel but you have to move on.
i know that. i want to. i deleted my facebook, my tumblr, i took down all the things she gave me and put them in a box, believe me, i'm trying. but despite everything, i have these moments where some random little thing reminds me of her, a song, a youtube video, a street, something someone says. and all i can do is think of how amazing she is and how much it hurts to not have her in my life.
...
i understand.
...
how was sunday?
...
...
i'm tired of them.
why?
i don't really feel like talking about it.
(light scoffing sound) well, i hate to break this to you gil, but that's kind of why your here.
(slight smirk) yeah i guess that's true. i'm tired of them because of they make feel fake. i have to be this different person that is nice and helpful and almost chipper. and it ***** when im in a bad mood and i just have be that way anyway.
does pretending ever trick you into being happy?
not really.
do you like your job?
sometimes. 60/40 these days. but since the breakup, i have to see her pretty much every sunday which kind of *****.
really? that must be difficult. why do you say "kind of *****"?
its a bitter sweet thing. i like seeing her cause she was my best friend and the person i loved more than anyone and its nice reminder that all it was real but at the same time its a reminder of how its gone now.
plus she doesn't get it.
what do you mean?
i don't know, shes just so ok with everything. we're on apposing ends of it all and i bet she doesn't even think about me anymore.
i'm sure that's untrue.
yeah maybe. i don't know. she just seems so happy whenever i see her and i wish it was cause of me.

end

I have tried and i have tried, and yet i cannot peel myself away from you. you are a serene siren, the sweetest tune, ringing out to me in the dead of night, calling to me with your memories and my dreams, i keep coming back, like an addicted sailor, crashing my hull against the jagged rocks, hoping against knowledge, that I'll see a glimmer in your eye for me once more. it hurts me every single time but i am but an embodiment of weakness in the wake of your ever living presence. i go on, look at what your life is like "without" and get off feeling more empty inside then ever before.
like a knife in my side, i limp away from the pale, mocking screen, finding it slightly hard to breath.

login, click, chick, scroll, scroll, logout. reset the sorrow.

i sit here in the deep darkness, lonely as a baby bird, who has fallen from its nest. the waves of your words crash against my fragile mind. eroding me like what water does to a sandy bluff. you said so many things that you can never take back. like you loved me, like i was perfect. even with my so many scars, i believed you. what kind of fool would put stock in such silly declarations. but i am a man that does not question the one he loves. and my love for you is as wide as the sea.

hello my ocean, we haven't talked in a while and i am drunk, so please forgive my frankness. i miss you like earth would miss the sun, i miss you like the air, i miss your face and your hair, i miss you. wholesomely and forever. every day we grow millimeters apart. i have come to the supreme realization that from the point when you intentionally separated us, we have become opposing magnets, and our hearts only seem to be able to push away. how i long to grasp you, hold on to your body, until the natural force of our separation rips me apart and spills my blood all over the landscape beneath our heavens above. but you wouldn't want that would you? all you want from me is to go quietly into the dark, so you can bask in your shining independence. so i will go. without fight, without struggle or scene. but know my love is still there, in the dark damp hole you walked away from, starving for the light. hoping the tides change, and you are swayed to seek my being.

goodnight, my love.

these days, i wish i had laser vision. that way when i walk the streets filled with filth and rich folk, i could vaporize the useless ******* that want to be treated like kings when their stepping on the spines of our dreams. i want to be able to blacken the sky and boil the ocean just to see the terror on our faces. watch as we run around like ants being stepped on by a horrible snot-nosed little god. i want bombs to fall from the dark nothing above, ejected from the heavens and lay waste to my dingy little city, turning everything we know to ash.

my ghost would dance in the dust that was once you and me and the good things, the ugly things and even the things i loved. my ghost will spit on the dirt to confirm that this world is no longer sacred.

your heart bleeds red, vibrant and oxygenated by the courage of your sacrifice. my heart bleeds dust. ***** and old as time can tell, it spits out the earth and sand for my fallen love. no liquid except of course the tears, but there's not enough to even make mud anymore.

awake is pain that keeps our legs moving in this never ending storm. only my many mistakes follow me in this harsh realm, like my many shadows, whispering in my ear.

i have gone mad. for the dead are living and tell me my day is done.

i hate you. you invade my thoughts, you linger in my memories. I've tried to move on and you won't let me. you are the dark spot in my vision that will not fade. i was caught in your spiderweb forever ago and no matter how i struggle and fight, i can never shake loose because i am but skin and bones. the mist on my life is clearing, i now understand that every moment in this godforsaken world is insignificant no matter how much we believe otherwise. and in that, we are free. you hurt me so deep it shifted my earth. and even though my life is around a new corner, i fear you'll be in my heart forever.

sitting, watching the rain fall onto a foggy window, love is gone. only mindless repetition and walking with no particular place to go. no more flying. unfortunately, i have been awakened to the sad fact that i am but a humble land creature and gravity has cursed me with the dirt as my master. so for now i sit, watching the birds fly by in silence. wishing i had ended my world, when i had my motivation.

running, laughter, heart break, suicide, born again, hopped up, multiply, try to fly, freak of nature, loved one, skinned knee, bold as che, blood on it all, can't stop the fall, rock bottom, ocean floor, math class , chocolate girl, stumbling, feelings hurt, crying alone, worthless drone, time to go,wipe it away, skipping, flying, sleeping, hugging, yelling, screaming, thumping, stupid thoughts, drunken tears, eternal lovers, cut down trees, life, darkness, dumb stuff, broken soul, god help us all.

a breath, like an echo. my chest rises and falls in the lonesome dark. nothing but the soft hum of my electric abacus to keep my attention. the darkened corners pumping out shadows only one's soul could truly feel. i sit alone, my space filled with my thoughts of you and yesterday. I'm tired of this solemn place, forever sparse, my memories slowly choking me dry and instead of fighting or struggling or breathing real progress, my eyes get heavy and i just end up sleeping. these walls are blank now, the love that coated them crumbled away such a long while ago, like old paint. cracking and peeling. now their just stained an ugly yellow and *****. sickly looking, i suspect, much like my insides.

light peaks through the my dusty curtains now, but this is not the light of hope or change. its bleak and hollow. when felt, it has no warmth. its only purpose is to taunt and trick the fools who dream of the sun.

i once had a lover, so timid was the air in which we flew upon. i remember it and it alone. we shot for the gods. a great distance, only fit for the young and the bold. fearless was our journey to what we thought was the promise of ever lasting love. we broke the sky and wandered in the stars for what seemed like just a blink of an eye but with our trespass, we had no right to call it home. so we fell. flaming do to speed, we hit rocky surface. shattered from our fall, unlikely to find every piece, we were not the same. one hand started to loosen. the other, in a panic, squeezed ever so tight. but in that benevolent attempt, it hurt its love and in doing so, reshaped it. warped in the desire to be held. nothing remained the same. shattered love returned to the earth. and we were no more. all that remains is a memory. so i will be the frozen snow, then maybe the dreams we shared might last forever.

some birds fly at night. some cats **** on the rug. today was the best and worst day I've had in a long time. seeing you, my brunette sparrow, who braves the darkness, wings frigid from the night air, skating on hope alone. carrying your ribbon of remembrance with a grip of unwavering determination. you, my soul singer, my Nina Simone. you caress my mood with every tone, every octave, making my most solid form melt into itself until all that remains is a jelly-****** slave to your rhythm. your my ocean, god like in the way you produce waves, waves that crash upon me and change my life's direction, waves that **** me under and fill my soul with saline. fighting your salty embrace gets me no where, surrender is the only feasible option. my life is yours and you don't even know it. right and wrong don't even matter, for the truth is all that is. and my truth, my hearts desire, is for my sound of rain to die away, for my love to miss my company, for time to stop just when you walk into my view, so that maybe i can finally get my fill of your lovely presence. because believe me when i say, its gonna take a hell of a lot more than just an occasional cup of coffee to suffice.

a body. not superficial, not completely flawless, but possibly the most beautiful thing I've ever touched.
some hair. so black and so thick if you hold it in front of your eyes you can barely see the light, silky and curly and so lovely last strand i possess i can't let myself throw it to the fire.
a mind. not unlike my own. thoughtful and smart, with a touch of cynicism, only to protect you from your unwavering empathy you feel for the people that need it.
a heart. the most lovely thing in this world. kind and careful, ripped open by the death of your father. bleeding tears of understanding. a vacuum for other peoples wrongs. perpetually hurt and yet more complete than any other this stupid man has ever glimpsed.
some hands. ruff and worn. flour caked into the cuticles. split skin and callus like your heart.
a name. to rival the most beautiful thing in the world. a force unlike anything. occupying over seventy percent of the place we call home. essential for our survival, essential for my survival.

you my love are what i always seem to dream of.

there's only one kind of water, water that keeps me alive. it's the water of the ocean. that salty concoction that heals my soul. embodied in a women. the only woman i truly love. her name is ocean. and don't what to do now thats she's gone.

i jumped. i dived into that lonesome pool my tears created. finally after it all, I'm emerging and all i wanted was to drown, that way i would know it meant everything to me. but i survived, i swam and struggled and even though i made it, it means next to nothing now. it transformed me into a broken piece of person. a semi functional human. one that only lives in the past tense, obsessed with sorrow. looking eternally backward, hoping for a glimpse of my love. (commence saxophone solo)

beauty is most tragic of forms, like the gentle rain at the end of summer, marking the end of life. my hurt is endless, it softens and hardens of its own will. beauty in form, form in it, it being love, love that never ceases, love that cannot die. love that will not die. it goes on and on, like currents of the great ocean, like the days of my life. a river of blood and tears and ***** flow endlessly along my path, in an attempt to dry my veins and numb my pain. you, of the earth, my lonesome love, my one and only. may our gods bless your world. may they help you realize my love was true, that even in our dysfunction, there was nothing more important to me. you of godly names, my eternal lover, my heart and hands, my hurtful other, i will always love you.

good night and god bless the liquor.

beauty is most tragic of forms, like the gentle rain at the end of summer, marking the end of life. my hurt is endless, it softens and hardens of its own will. beauty in form, form in it, it being love, love that never ceases, love that cannot die. love that will not die. it goes on and on, like currents of the great ocean, like the days of my life. a river of blood and tears and ***** flow endlessly along my path, in an attempt to dry my veins and numb my pain. you, of the earth, my lonesome love, my one and only. may our gods bless your world. may they help you realize my love was true, that even in our dysfunction, there was nothing more important to me. you of godly names, my eternal lover, my heart and hands, my hurtful other, i will always love you.

good night and god bless the liquor.

beauty is most tragic of forms, like the gentle rain at the end of summer, marking the end of life. my hurt is endless, it softens and hardens of its own will. beauty in form, form in it, it being love, love that never ceases, love that cannot die. love that will not die. it goes on and on, like currents of the great ocean, like the days of my life. a river of blood and tears and ***** flow endlessly along my path, in an attempt to dry my veins and numb my pain. you, of the earth, my lonesome love, my one and only. may our gods bless your world. may they help you realize my love was true, that even in our dysfunction, there was nothing more important to me. you of godly names, my eternal lover, my heart and hands, my hurtful other, i will always love you.

good night and god bless the liquor.

i don't believe in much. i don't believe in gods, i don't believe in myself, i don't believe in goodness, i don't believe in the world, i don't believe in your words, i don't believe in love, i don't believe in my words, i don't believe in humankind, i don't believe their eyes, i don't believe in the drugs, i don't believe your lies, i don't believe their lies, i don't believe in aliens, i don't believe you loved me, i don't believe in the hate, i don't believe in freedom, i don't believe the doctors, i don't believe the judges, i don't believe the TV, i don't believe this reality, i don't believe in much, but did believe in you, so special was i a fool, but now nothing is me, and everything just remains as dust in the wind.

my love is for one. pure and simple. my love is for you. my love is forever. my love is a rock. my love is the ocean. my love is for the blind. my love is blind. my love is as sand. my love will be my destruction. my love will be my end. my love is for you. for you and you alone. until i turn to powder and fly away with the wind. you are me and i of you. so be kind.

i cut my arm because it held your hand. i cut my other arm because it grabbed your **** from time to time. i cut my legs because it made me feel free and painless from your hell. i cut my face because i wanted to to be ugly and nameless, so yeah.

and that's just what i wanted out of this world. i cut my heart because i didn't want to be connected to you any longer. and that's all i could handle on the inside of my self. i cut my soul because that's what you wanted the entire time. i would've went forever loving you the most i could but now I'm just a skeleton, with nothing but my memories. through and through. my bones soaked with sorrow, my soul soaked with hurt. i love you until the end. and i know that's a foolish sentiment, but **** it, what else can i lose. nothing but my physical self, so I'll just keep writing my gospel. until i disintegrate.

hopefully you'll realize you care.

i love you.

i love you. despite the fact that you are unformed, unborn and conceived only in my dreams. your just as beautiful as your mother. even though she is nameless and faceless and of no character, except of course she resembles the ocean.
please be kind. under all circumstances. its the only redeeming quality of the human being. i want you to succeed me in every way, because that is the sole reason why we had you, so you can be better than me. I've made so many mistakes while walking my stretch of the road, but we will overcome this eternal darkness. through you. we're born into this world alone, and alone we go out, there is no god, there is no devil. only me, you, and the world. so enjoy it. cause i won't be here forever and neither will you. your beauty is beyond compare, your mind is shard as onyx. always love yourself. never let the world convince you your not beautiful. because your priceless. we make true what we want, remember that. when you fall, just get back up, cause all along your road you'll collect scars, they may never go away but they're make you who you are. its ok to give someone your heart some day but never give your soul away, its the only true possession any of us really own. life is hard, life is bliss, and when i'm dead and gone my only real goal is to be truly truthfully missed.

one day i hope to have the pleasure of meeting you. one day maybe i can speak my words in person. until then.

I'm so tired. my eyes are itchy, my feet hurt and my heart is numb. i feel like my soul was taken away and its enjoying our life without me. and as seemingly tragic as that sounds, somehow I've gotten used to it. I'm just numb, not dead. not yet. with the realization of this truth however, my life continues without you. we only converse in my dreams. but at least that way, i still remember your voice.

sometimes on hot days with blue skies, i look to the stars and wish a bolt of lightning would crash down through air and trees and leaves to strike me while i walk. render me nothing but charred remains and an empty heart. but the daydreams always end, and i just continue existing.

blue ocean, within those eyes. so deep i could drown. and no one except for you would know. my reflection in them somehow made my life so much easier. god how i miss them.

good night my sweet. may you dream of conversing with me as well.

past it all, all the hurt and the tears and the loneliness, all the drinking and smoking, all the silly things we said and all the things i've wrote and all time in between, i still miss you. plain and simple. i miss the way you make me feel. i won't die. but it hurts. every day. i can't replace you. it just isn't possible. every day all i want to do is run all the to your house and tell you i still love you. but i don't because i have a feeling it won't  go the way it does in my dreams. i know i haven't been around on the earth for very long compared to some but i want you to know that our moment together when we loved each other, that was the best time in my life. and i don't really see how anything that comes after can be any better.

i miss your face and the way you snore and the way you smell and your laugh and your eyes and every thing else you possess that just isn't the same when i look at other girls.

i miss you. plain and simple.

i am nothing. i have nothing. i am no one. my body is not loved. my spirit is a stranger. i reside nowhere. my home is in my mind and i do not possess a mind. or a brain, or a body, or a soul because i am nothing. i am as air is. and that makes me free. but i am not free because i am nothing, and to be free you have to be. but because i am nothing, and i have nothing, and no one, there is no way for anything to hurt me anymore. no way to destroy me. for that has been done. and i am not a fan. so as i don't exist anymore, don't worry, because worrying about nothing is wasted time. and wasted time is only real sin in the world.

i know it wasn't perfect. but i felt like i was in heaven. you made me happy, so happy i felt ridiculous. we didn't fight much. but i can't tell now if that was a bad thing or not. i don't know why you don't want me anymore, is it because you loved getting ****** up more than me? cause it seems you've embraced that as your new lover. or maybe i was just the guy in between your separation. the sadness of your absence in my life is so hard to bear, i can't tell if it will ever go away. what does that mean? does that mean your my one true or something like that? i didn't believe in such nonsense. but i just don't know anymore.

i don't know anything. you gave me a pill that was too vague to swallow. if only you just told you didn't love me anymore or you fell for someone else. something else, anything else. but no, just that you were ****** up and you needed to go it alone. well guess what, i'm ****** up too. and the loneliness is killing me slowly. i think about our future many years down the line and it makes me so sad to think our lives won't be intertwined anymore. you'll live in France, and i'll live somewhere else and we won't talk anymore. i won't be able to look in your eyes or remember your smile. we'll have kids with other people and we'll die on separate continents and our hands will never grasp each other again. i loved your hands, i still do. i'm dealing with this pain every day and you probably hardly even think about me anymore.

i know now that you never loved me like i loved you. i was probably just a sweet guy in the torrent of **** you've been dealing with throughout your life. but for me, you were like that person i went looking for years ago after all the trauma and the pain, i ventured through the desert and i thought it over, i was numb and had already given up. and then you stood there before me, with one flip-flop, bathed in the summer light. you saved me from myself and i never told you that. i miss you. but i know that you don't really care.

i just want you to know that all the silly childish things i wrote to you in my letters, i meant every word. you are the best person i know and i will always care for you. i am proud to have ever been loved by you.

i read what i wrote and i just feel stupid. i feel as if i'm careening through life and no amount of thought will help me gain control. this is new. i am new. but what can i do? no amount of thought seems to heal. because i am lost. lost in the wild and theres no one looking for me anymore. time just moves. and i stand still.

i was in love with the world through someone else's eyes.

so here i stand. rooted, yet shakeable. looking for the answers. waiting for the answers.

knowing, i'll never know they're sweet sound in my ear, or the peace they might provide me.

dear sweet woman, i lost my leaves in the earthquake... now i am naked and cold. why stand under me? i can not give you the protection you seek. i do love you though, as i love all things of the night.

i remember it well, the day i died. i was in a park. filled with joy. you were there and so we walked. the bench smelled of sweat the homeless shed and tears from the broken souls. we sat and you crushed me so sweet and so bold. after you asked me if we ought to head to your house i accepted and we went there and i died. you didn't know it but i left my soul in your arms that day. when you held me because you didn't know what else to do. i floated away right then and even though my body was still able to lurch out of your front door, the essence was gone. now all i can do is watch. watch you live and love and cry and breath and work and go on without me. i have no desire to ever move on. even though my heart breaks every morning and heals by noon and is broken again by nightfall, i can't let go the feeling. that feeling you gave me, i still love it. i still long for it. but all this lonely ghost can do is wait, knowing that you moved on and even when you die, your ghostly shell still will not be satisfied with my love.

time like world just night love good don't mind away walk think dream  light ******* want hope sleep place know lost drunk thing way god.

i stood there, frozen in the moment. you seemed to look through me just like i was ghost. you set a fire upon me. or within me. and you turned and walked away.  you set it on my heart. and its been burning me alive. sheltered by my flesh. slowly my blood and sanity are sapped from me and no amount of water will douse it. this fire within. i can feel it growing. destroying my insides. my consumption of the liquid courage only quickens its pace. if only you had just walked back toward me, if only you cared enough to just blow out the evil you left me with. soon enough it will engulf me, until there is nothing left but bones, a brain, and a charred black broken heart. smoldering, in the dark.

i walk the streets from time to time.
just to gain some grounding.
i go in the night because it suits my mood.
i walk the alley ways because you learn the most about what sorrow is that way.
i watch the sadness seep out of the gutters and watch it rise until you have to no choice but to breath it in.
broken are the faces, as they wander back to the emptiness from which they came.
it hurts my soul to see them covered in the dust of our Babylon.
they are crushed by all the bad things until they fracture and become hollow, sad creatures.
as i walk, sometimes i look to the sky. i watch the clouds roll away and give the stars a view at us who can't seem to love the sun.

i miss when i enjoyed the light.

the reason i am. my hurt. my love. i'm selfish. i'm stupid. you, lovely. you, the reason for my hurt. i loved you. i grew my hair. i cut myself. i died. and you, you just kept on going. great god almighty, i don't believe in you. i'm tired. i'm drunk. i'm on my road to destruction. i will not turn away. unless you save me. because i can't live in this loneliness anymore. good ******* night.

i know i seem crazy. i am. but you don't fully understand. you are my ideal. i looked for five years. long and hard. i lost hope. and then there you were. beautiful as a god. with a name to rival the most wonderful thing in the world. the only thing. i loved you with every thing i had. i know i wasn't worthy. you deserve the world. your dad, anything you want. i love you so much. and i always will. until my end and believe me i will think of you. even if you don't love me. or think of me. or hate me.

you saved me. and i will never forget. please just remember our time.

pushing through the dark, my knuckles white with the excitement, my clothes soaked. the water drenching my everything down to my bones and soul.

i fight the gods.

wind and rain pelt me but i do not give, you can't take anything more because there is nothing left.

i laugh like Ahab.

my mind is lost. no more fear, just the task. going south at speeds relative to the bravest of men. i can't help but feel the greatness of not caring whether i make it there alive.

make it home to the quiet and still air. damp from the tears, i contemplate whether i beat the them or they beat me.

When i leave the warmth and shelter of the place i reside and travel by bicycle for what seems like a million miles, just to get home so i can think and dream of the world when we ruled, those times belong to you.

I start by bundling up to protect from the cold. then i insert my earbuds to set the mood.

Then i put my feet in the the baskets of my bike and we blast off together like a rocket soaring down the street, weaving and dodging *** holes, arms spread wide like a bird in the night. half hoping that the bicycle might at some point, break apart from underneath allowing me take flight unrestricted, without worry for how i get back down to the ground.

then i travel back from the fantasy in my mind, all the way back to my eyes and i realize my house is within in sight. and my ride is over. and there's no one home. and i'll never take flight. and i fade a little on the inside.

night time. my time. the GOOD time.

the darkness. only filled by street light, in my mind, its much more beautiful that way.

the world cast in orange. and what a lovely shade at that.

the empty streets. all for the taking, i ride them down the middle in bliss. the only sounds are the whistle of the wind and my wheels creaking.

if i get a chance, i visit you. like a stranger lost in the unknown but somehow always ending up in the same place every time he completes the circle.

it keeps me sane.

just looking at that brick box, filled with you, bursting with light, even at three in the morning makes me smile.

good night brick box, good night light, i hope you get it.

sleep is for the weak. and the stupid. for when one sleeps, they inevitably dream. and when one dreams, they try and escape the nightmares of life for a better place. though sometimes, it turns out being a worse one.

a gamble.

but one with no odds.

and only the stupid and weak put their lives in the hands of something they can't control. something that may backfire. so i stay awake with my eyes open and my consciousness sturdy. watching the sun set and wake, knowing, breathing, the clockwork of time.

and though it may **** me, i will never dream again.

for when one dreams, they believe they are free.

and the sad fact is, i am chained.

i can never fly. and all my memories of the wind and the sky, they were just a dream.

but i am awake now. so good morning.

i'm here. in the rain. in the cold. walking. my shoes are soaked. my jacket is a darker shade blue. my eyes hurt. i don't know if its the tears or the torrent. my back has shattered from carrying my heart. the water is deep and i'm starting to slow in my pace. wondering why you turned away from me, you went back to the shelter of your lonesome heart. you told me i couldn't come. so i trudge on. searching for the thing that gives me peace. it wasn't love. i thought it was, but love is fragile. it dies. like us. so i go on. without you. my inspiration. what else could i do? a man of my means is not fit for the world we live in. not the place where things don't make sense. where logic is cast to the wind, thrown away, expected to fend for itself.

how am i expected to make it out this alive? unaltered and without injury. did you ever think about that? i think not.

the light is gone and my body is cold and wet so maybe its time for me to give in to temptation and embrace the earth. kiss her rocky surface and allow her to absorb me, take me in because at least i know that she would never abandon me.

i am what no one is. i am what you want me to be. i will shape and contort myself for you. even if you don't want me. i am here. ready for the love to be reciprocated. i am nothing. you are everything. in this world where nothing matters. the loneliness is fracturing me like a weight on top of a sandcastle. slow and steady. its coming undone. just like my rambling. continue your journey away from me. soon you will be out of my sight. and i will be alone once more.

i walk the line of a man on the edge. every morning is a struggle. every drunken sleep is a blessing. waking from a dream that makes you want to sleep forever is the hardest thing in the world. especially when your life is something you hardly want to live. i walk the edge. its steel and beauty are beyond compare. sometimes in my weaker moments all i do is walk and walk and hope the gentle breeze will push me over the edge and then maybe i could sleep forever.

i am spiteful. and angry. and bitter. *******! **** god! **** your mom. you ruin hope without remorse. throw the litter to the gutter and set fire to my dreams. i am in a state of drunken rage and you are laughing. laughing at my ridiculous behavior. not mournful, not empathetic, but cold and merciless. your indifference cuts me like a porcelain shard, a dagger without form, you cut away my pillars and now i am falling to the ground, waiting for the day when i finally hit that blissful rocky bottom so maybe i can have some peace at last. you son of a daughter, you daughter of a coward, you messed up piece of this of this messed up world that tricked me into believing that there was good in this godforsaken, *****, horrible, liar infested, beautifully disgusting place where i waist my time thinking about you and knowing there's no thoughts being returned.

why? why? WHY?

i'm sick of my dreams. i'm sick of your presence. i'm sick of this earth. and my flesh and my tears and your face in my mind and my memories of the happy times. cutters, the truck, my bed, gasworks, the whole ******* city.

what did you do with the letter i gave back? did you throw away? why would you share my music with strangers? you think it was funny? did you laugh at my ridiculousness, i bet myself our friendship you won't even say happy birthday. whatever.

i'm drunk. your probably drunk. the whole ******* world is drunk. drunk on the pain of loss. and fear of being nothing. and ironically enough, the truth is we are all gods. and most of the time, we're gods of destruction and chaos and pain and sorrow.

have fun with that bigger future. i hope it implodes on you like mine did.

i'm messed up too. more than i ever let you know. i lost my first love and my best friend, my brother, abandoned me through a ******* email while was on vacation the first time around also. your timing was like something only a god of sorrow would design. beatings, mental abuse, oh what a lovely world we live in.

quick and painless right? just like a band-aid. good job. you're a ******* ninja. no one saw it coming, especially not me.

i'm starting to not be able to see straight so i'm gonna quit writing in this useless blog that no one reads or cares about and go back to my tv because it slowly kills through mind numbing boredom and that suits me just fine.

good night, i love... the rain.