2am, deadlines racing closer,
Racing the sun over the horizon
Muddled thoughts, blurry eyes
Rub them until you see straight
Until you can see the stars again
Third night this week
Panic gently, but make no sound
Reaching for the mug of bitter nectar
Panacea now, but the enemy tomorrow
Take a soothing sip, burn your tongue
Its hotter than these tears, taste nothing

One page down, four years to go
Drink your black, black coffee
Black as the night,
Black as ink flowing like blood
From one thousand pens
Flowing like dreams
From their arms
It's just another drug
Welcome back, old friend
Feel it deep in your bones
You are nothing here,
A drop of coffee on a white page
You are nothing in this library silent

I'm over you, I'll say tonight
Over you, it's only half a lie,
But inside I'm only half alive

Since you left me
I've become far more
Intimate
With the small hours
Of the morning
Than I ever was
With you

I've fallen in love
With all of you
From the stars
In your eyes
To the constellations
On your skin

I want to spend
The rest of my life
Counting the stars
On your skin
I want to trace
The constellations
Across your body
With mine

This emptiness
It's all you left me with,
your friendship and fake smiles
and careless "I love you"s
Cannot hold a candle
To the hole you made
You chipped away at me
Little by little
Making a place for yourself
Inside of me
I let you build a home in my heart,
Hell, I helped you paint the walls.
I was so happy to have you
To hold you
To love you
I was eager to let you in
I stood by as you filled this hole
I watched you ooze
Like cancer between my bones
Spreading your poison through my brain
It felt so good to let your smoke
Pool in my lungs
And choke my throat
Until I was made of you

You were happy to pour yourself
Into me but I guess you really did care
You loved me too much
To let yourself love me
When you saw how I held your hand
Like a needle
And needed your voice
Like nicotine
You pulled away
You need me too much
To risk killing me
At least that's what you said
When I cried out for one last drag
You may be right
Your love would have consumed me
Until there was nothing left but rotting bones
Even so, despite your desperate attempt
To save me from us
I may not survive this withdrawal
My self rehabilitation
Is more painful than I can stand
At least not alone
If I had you
To hold my hand
And promise my pains away
I might be able to quit
And maybe we could be friends
But alone I didn't have the strength
To heal these sores and forget your lips
I couldn't wait
For my heart to stop pounding
Instead I took a knife
And cut this cancer out
Myself
I was the surgeon
Carving out this cancer
That came from addiction
I cried when you took it away
It left these hollows in my skin
My skin is paper thin
My blood pressure weak
This self dichotomy
Was messy and rushed
I tore memories of us
Out of my ribs
Scraped your smile
Off my heart
With a spoon
Filtered your perfume
Out of my blood
Medicated myself
With weight loss
And alcohol, music
And poetry
To dull the pain
And stitched my skin
Back together with lies
To cover the scars
Of my haste
I never healed
I forced months of
Chemotherapy
Into a few weeks
It hurt but so does
Thinking about you
I haven't spoken
To you since I started
This self treatment
I'm afraid that when I finally
Do see you again
These stitches may unravel
And I'll fall apart again
Leaving this disease exposed
All these holes for you to see
Will you still want
My friendship
When you've seen
The pain in my eyes
And the scars you left?

I want to be in love with a tattooed boy, so tall,
Or a fierce, strong girl, sugar sweet.
I want someone to hold me at night and whisper sweet somethings,
So much more than nothings.
I want them to write me notes more beautiful than any poem could be.
I want to be cherished by someone I can call "darling",
But most of all, I don't want to be in love with you.
I wish it weren't true, but somehow I've fallen in love
With a stubborn girl who says she loves me,
Who flirts and teases and cuddles and squeezes,
But wants to be "just friends".

Darling,
I've been obsessed with drawing entwined hands to hold close the feeling your fingers left in the spaces between mine but somehow I can't ever get it right on paper because I used to hate holding hands like that until I fell in love with the curve of your cheek and the echo of your laughter and now any other way feels all wrong just like everything else that I once shared with you and I will never hold another hand the way you once held mine until the color of your eyes and the smell on your skin has faded from my memory but even I know that's a lie because you made me this way and now I can never go back to the way I was even to forget you but I'll pretend and I hope it's true because I want to forget the ache I felt whenever I saw you with her and I hope for my sake that day is not as distant as it seems now because you will never feel the burning in your chest that I get so often that sometimes I forget it's even there until late at night when I dream of you and can hide these tears no longer as you sleep safe and sound the way I always wanted you to in the wrong bed but I guess that's just the way love is and maybe one day you will remember me and realize that all along I was trying to tell you but I was never brave enough and now it is too late and I just wish I could have found the way to show you that all the stars could fall from the sky and I wouldn't notice because in my heart your smile shines brighter than the sun and all the fire in the world could never make me stop loving you and I hope one day as you lie in the dark before sleep takes you a fond memory of me comes to mind and you wonder what ever happened to me but that's a lie too because I only have enough hope left to hope you love me too someday.

When I first met you,
I was so afraid;
You were a beautiful
Dream, realized.
I held your hand,
But I could hear it ticking.
We were a grenade
And darling, I pulled the pin.
As I watched us burn
I knew I should go,
But I couldn't move.
I stood by the wreckage
And knew it was too late,
But I stayed,
My love, I stayed.

My desire for the feel of your skin on mine
Is so strong I'd do anything for it even
If it meant nothing to you because
Even ottomans can feel your touch but
I know you will never love an ottoman.

All your promises,
Each whispered "I love you",
Every smile, every kiss,
They've pressed my heart to a page.
Your careless words
Have lovingly tucked me away
Between the pages of your life
A mere prologue for you.
Once beautiful and alive,
Now all that is left of me
Is a withered smile,
Like an old flower,
Pressed to a page.

She and I lay out
under the stars once
To find shooting stars
and privacy.
She told me she loved me,
and held me close,
And I believed her.
But in the darkness
I couldn't see her eyes.