I sit here with tears running down my face and wonder where in life is my place
I always feel ugly and sad; it seems everyone's always so mad
these feelings I feel won't let me sleep and desperate thoughts in my mind creep
I always feel utterly alone even surrounded by family at home
it'll get better as the years go by is what people say without blinking an eye
but years to wait it wasn't I have it's the time now that is so bad
my mind just won't give me what I crave and that is holding my head up and being brave
thoughts of despair is what I feel; sometimes this life doesn't seem real
there are days I just want to curl up and die and I can never seem to explain why
why can't I hide from this world I'm in; who cares if ending it is a sin
I don't care, not if it ends my pain, at least it would end all the feelings of shame
my friends and family say it's not true and that growing up is hard to do
they say that all these things I'm feeling will pass, but my life feels like shattered glass
shards and pieces I can't fit together it just feels like it will last forever
I'm tired of feeling like I don't belong and like everything I do is wrong
I just wish I wouldn't feel like this; these emotions aren't something I would miss
I feel like everything I do is wrong and the list of what's not right is long
I'm not good enough is what I tell myself, like the Velveteen Rabbit stuck on shelf
I'm ugly, I'm fat, nobody cares, and I know  people whisper and stare
I walk through the halls all week at school and wonder what I've done to make them so cruel
I guess in the end I'll just keep pushing on and maybe someday I'll learn to be strong
then with just of touch of sass, I'll tell all those haters to KISS MY ***!

i always feel like i don't belong
even when i'm told i'm wrong
the people that call me dumb and fat
won't even stop to say hi and chat
they will never know about the real me
or wonder what i hear and see
you assume because i'm bigger than most
that i also don't have a brain to boast
that's because it's all locked inside
it's an amazing place with a lot to hide
in my head i can be anyone
and all i really want is to have some fun
to be skinny like you is my passion
but i don't want to be empty of compassion
when i look in the mirror you know what i see
i see an ugly person staring back at me
the misconceptions of people around
is what causes these thoughts abound
i started to believe your words long ago
even though my friends told me no
no one ever thought i was good looking and smart
there's so many people without a heart
sometimes i just want to curl up and die
even though i shouldn't believe your lies
what's your purpose for causing such pain
is there really something you look to gain
did you ever think to know the real me
or are you just afraid of who you'd see
someone who has thoughts and feelings, too
or a person as mean and hurtful as you
my true friends know my inner self
the ones who know i'll always help
i sit and listen when they need an ear
they are the ones that see me clear
why do you have to act so mean and hateful
weren't you taught how to be shameful
why can't you try to see the real me
instead of being the bully everyone sees

Mama,
Today I'm heartbroken beyond belief, it's the day that you decided to leave. Yes, I know that you 'left' long ago, but today's the day your body let go. The pain I feel makes me not breathe, the relief makes me want to scream. I just feel so terrible, so twisted in two, I'm really not knowing what to do. I really shouldn't feel immense  relief while the tears are flowing down my cheeks. Your mind wasn't here for, oh, so long, but the hope you'd know me kept me strong. Now you're gone, for real this time, and all I want to is cry. The weight of you not knowing me has lifted and I am now free. You're free of not knowing who you see especially when I wish it was me. Do you now remember the Christmas songs? You had forgotten for so long. The hymns you loved, we played for you. We just didn't know what to do. I wish you would've shown some recognition, but I know that's rare with your condition. Mama, why'd you have to die without seeing ME and remembering how it used to be. Alzheimer's took your intelligence and quick wit and the love you had for us with it. No more days of having fun, almost like when  clouds take the sun. You lived in a fog and couldn't quite grasp who we were, you were stuck in the past. I feel such guilt for the relief in my heart and the grief I feel is tearing me apart. I'm so confused with my conflicting emotions, but I hope you know of my devotion. I was staying by you for as long as it took, for God to finally stop and look. For Him to show up and take pity on you and decide to end what we've all gone through. I told you before you're my mama, mother, mommy, friend, and now you know I stuck by to the bittersweet end. I will love you forever my beautiful mama.

My Prince Charming has turned into an ugly, old toad,
but that’s what happens when you choose this road.

The road so traveled by all the toads before;
makes me wonder what you see at the *****’s door.

I would think by now it would be rotten and smell,
but that’s not where my thoughts will dwell.

Why are they always uglier than me?
It can’t be because you like what you see.

Is it because the ****** like to drink beer?
Or is it because they’ll **** on your spear?

You’d think by now all of you would have warts.
You know the kind that stays in your shorts.

You think you’re so handsome, have you looked in the mirror?
One day soon they won’t let you get nearer.


But by then you will not make me cry
and they’ll look like they were put up wet to dry.

They may be younger but you keep getting older.
What will you do when you get the cold shoulder?

What will they do when you run out of money?
I bet they won’t think that it’s very funny.

Or how about when the pills are all done?
I bet a fight will be caused over that one.

Nothing like pill-head ****** to ***** around with.
To get them drunk, does it take a fifth?

An eight ball of coke, that ought to do it.
When it’s all gone I bet you don’t get in it.

I may have been with you through thick and thin,
but I ain’t touching that warty skin.

We did have magic for so many years,
but that was before the coke and beer.

One day I’ll see you all and grin.
For you’ll have caught the clap: what a payback for sins.

If I died tomorrow
Would you even care
Would you shake your fist up at God
And say this isn’t fair

Or would you just walk away
And go out with your buddies
Drinking, partying and laughing it up
Thinking it was funny

Would you even miss me
Just a little bit
Or would you just remember
How you thought I was a *****

If I died tomorrow
Would tears fall from your eyes
Would you think of me with a smile
Or with a mournful sigh

Or would you just be thankful
I was finally gone
And forget that you once thought
I was the only one

Would you remember when you asked
If you could marry me
Or would you be extremely happy
That you were actually free

If I died tomorrow
Would you miss my love for you
Or would you just jump for joy
That we were finally through

He didn’t come home
again last night
And then he wondered
what started the fight

You’re 44 not 24
is what I said
His nonchalance had me
seeing red

I finally decided
on what to say
I believe in my analogy
to this day

I’m like Budweiser
just like your beer
This is definitely not
what he wanted to hear

You stray away
from your tried and true
But always come back
to the red, white, and blue

Other flavors tease
your senses
And you always want
the other side of fences

But in the end
you always come back
Come back home
to your reliable sack

When will you realize
it’s not always better
I know who you are
right down to the letter

You’d think at your age
this point in your life
You’d know by now
they aren’t your wife

What will you do
when I’m finally done
When I pack up the truck,
the kids, and run

Would you miss us
just a little bit
Or would you give up
throw in the towel, just quit

Knowing you, you wouldn’t
let us go
Even though you
chase after hoes

I’m so tired of this life
that I now have to live
It will soon be time to take back
my love I so freely give

She was sitting on a bag of dog food in the garage
listening to her Mommy and Daddy argue
She could hear the tears in their voices
as they were yelling about Daddy leaving
She couldn’t understand why he would go

Daddy walked out the door with tears in his eyes
he stared at her with a look of sheer terror
As he realized she had just heard everything
he understood he would have to explain
To her that it had nothing to do with her

She felt her chest growing tighter with each breath
too afraid to say a word, yet wanting to ask why
Not understanding really at all what was happening
but knowing her Daddy moving out
And wouldn’t be living with them any longer

He walked over and sat down beside her
he gazed at the ground trying to decide
How to tell his precious daughter
that he had to leave her and Jimmy
And would see them only on weekends now

She looked so scared sitting there wondering why
her Daddy had to go and leave them behind
It had to be really bad for him to go
maybe her or Jimmy had been too bad
She couldn’t remember anything that wrong

He didn’t think this would be so hard
to tell his Princess he had to leave
That he couldn’t tuck them in at night
or scare the Boogieman away
Or hug and kiss them every day

As Daddy started to explain to her
that Mommy and him just couldn’t be together
She was wondering how long it would be
before they saw him again
And where he would live

He was telling her they would stay with him
at Grammy’s house and it would be fun
That after a while it wouldn’t hurt so badly
and that Jimmy and her would grow to like it
And wouldn’t cry or miss him so much

She looked around and wondered why
Mommy wasn’t out here, too
Shouldn’t Mommy be telling her it would be okay?
and that she would take care of them
Why was Daddy the only one out here crying?

Daddy’s heart was breaking at the look on her face
he never thought he would have to tell his daughter
His beautiful eight year old little girl about divorce
the tears started rolling down his face
As he hugged her close and said Good Bye

The sun is shimmering on the trees
as the wind whispers through the remaining leaves
The limbs wave back and forth
as if saying good-bye to a summer soon forgotten
The leaves hold on by a stem
until it breaks away and they flutter around in the air
Looking like large raindrops falling to the ground
where they tumble rampantly across the field
As if a puppy let outside to play
the leaves then lay still for a moment
Until the breeze catches them again
seemingly in a never ending game of tag
If you hurry, you can rake them in a pile
jumping, screaming in glee as you land in them
Or just stand still with your face to the sky
watching as they flip flop in the wafting air
In a kaleidoscope of red, oranges, and yellows

As you revel in the beauty of Autumn

People held close
But yet as carefree as the wind
Such as a family
A place to call home
Where you feel the love
As if nothing will change

Yet all must change
A door to close
And leave behind love
Like a clock you wind too tightly
Can come apart when you leave home
But you always know you have family

Those gone are still family
But they chose to change
Nevermore to come home
The family bond is no longer close
Like dust on the wind
All gone even the love

It will come back, the love
And once again be a family
Like seasons changing with the wind
Sometimes good, sometimes bad, but change
Those you love don’t always stay close
But we all have a place we can call home

There’s nothing like going home
Surrounded by people you love
The ones that are always close
Your family
Death is the only change
Then they are butterflies dancing in the wind

The feathers of the wind
Gone but it is still home
As if nothing ever will change
Forever feeling the love
Not far from my mind, my family
So far away, but so close

It’s nice to go home even with the wind
Of change, for the love
Of family always keeps you close

You make an announcement
To your family and friends
Meetings with the preacher
Seem never-ending
No big deal or celebration
Just a trip to the courthouse
To sign the papers
Two rings, two hearts
A few words from the judge
And you’re done
Everyone shakes hands
You came as a couple
But leave alone

She was only 34, so much life left to live
But the CANCER was stronger and just wouldn’t give
It wasn’t detected until it was too late
And so on Sunday she had a date
With the angels above to fly with them high
Now when we want to see her we look to the sky
She looks over her kids from way up above
And they look at her picture with hearts full of love
The CANCER, it beat her and took her away
But now she’s not hurting or trying to be brave
And though we are sad and wondering why
We know she’s our new ANGEL learning to fly.

I lost my innocence when I was small
It was what had caused me to build up walls
The older one you are supposed to trust
Made me cry with his pubescent lust

Just five years old when it began to start
Eleven when he had a change of heart
The smell, the room, the feel of the bed
Are the very things that stay in my head

I could not tell for who would believe
That this boy would do this to his niece
Not all can understand my shame
Or even know where to place the blame

The small girl with blue eyes and blonde hair
Or the pre-teen boy with an arrogant air
At five you don’t understand that it’s bad
But you always know it makes you sad

I have since came to terms with what happened to me
An innocence lost that will no longer be
Nevermore will I hide this shame
I will forever refuse to hide his name

I have confronted my demon from my past
It is his disgrace that will now last

Small, blonde, blue eyed girl kindergarten age, but not yet six
Brown haired eleven year old boy going through puberty
She trusted and was innocent
He betrayed and committed a grave sin

The upstairs bedroom with the twin beds
A bed with smooth sheets and curtains closed
A single light bulb burning bright in the ceiling
Outside behind the garage with car parts and a burn barrel

Memories a five year old shouldn’t have
Actions an eleven year old shouldn’t take
She didn’t know it was wrong
He coaxed her to keep it a secret

Innocence forgotten, walls erected
Shame she felt as time went on
Terrified to place blame
Years passing, it all stopping

Sadness knowing what transpired, never telling
Afraid of accusations of lying
An uncle a young girl should love and trust
Instead she learns to loathe

Discovering she was not at fault
No longer will she be ashamed
Confrontation is a step towards a demon destroyed
Soul soothing, enabling the skeletons to be released

His denial is his shackles of shame
Innocence lost never to be recovered

I am compassionate and a daydreamer
I wonder what would happen if I was more assertive
I hear the whispers of the wind
I see an amazing purple and blue dragon in a green meadow with snowflakes falling all around
I am me
I pretend to be brave
I feel reality is a myth
I touch thunder
I worry that what I write is bad
I cry when I think about loved ones lost
I am me
I understand I try to be invisible
I say my kids are my world
I dream to look different
I try to do well in my classes and still be the best Mommy I can
I hope for my wishes to come true
I am me

I am me
Not always who I dreamed I’d be
I’m not perfect, not by a long shot
And I’m definitely not what would be considered hot
But what I have a lot can’t see
Because they look away from me
They don’t take the time to look inside
Or try to find the me I hide
I am me

Children
Friendly, young
Laughing, loving, playing
Hugs, kisses, stories, knowledge
Dreaming, crying, missing
Forlorn, old
Elderly

Lady bug, lady bug flying through the air.
Lady bug, lady bug who doesn’t seem to care.
On nice days in Fall you flutter around in the sun, dipping and diving; oh, that looks fun.
You land on the wall and heat your wings;
if you had a voice would you happily sing?
Lady bug, lady bug with your small dots,
just pull up a sunbeam and find a warm spot.

“Daddy” she asked “Why must you leave?”
as she cried and her chest started to heave.
“I’m so sorry, my Baby.” Daddy said,
his heart started feeling heavy as lead.
“Mommy and me just can’t stay together.
Our happily ever after is no longer forever,
but I’ll still see you, don’t you worry.
Please just know I’m so, so sorry.”
“Please stay! Don’t go!” She kept pleading
as her chest grew tight with her breathing.
“Did Jimmy or me do something wrong?”
“No, Punkin, no! Please try to be strong.
I promise I’ll come get you on weekends.
Up to Grammy’s we’ll go, this isn’t the end.”
Then to her Daddy she quietly said
“How will you tuck me and Jimmy in bed?
And hug us tight and kiss us goodnight
and make the Boogieman shake with fright?”
“It’s okay, Honey. Mommy will be here.
You and Jimmy have nothing to fear.”
“But Daddy, how will I be your Princess now?
Answer me please. How Daddy? How?”
“Please, Baby, please! Try to understand
I’ll always be here to hold your hand.
It’s not like I’m leaving forever, you see.
I promise you’ll grow to like how it will be.”
“Never, Daddy, never!” she said with a cry.
“I never, ever want to say good-bye.”
“Honey, I’m sorry. I really have to leave.
Please, Baby, please! Let go of my sleeve.
You and Jimmy will see me in only six days.
If you count on your fingers, that not far away.
I love you, my Princess. Please don’t forget,
it will get easier. I’ll make you this bet:
that after a while the pain won’t be bad.
That you won’t cry so much or be so sad”
She sniffled and shook and gave him a hug.
“I really don’t think so” she said with a shrug.
“I’ll miss you, my Daddy. Please know this is true.
I love you, my Daddy. I’ll try not to be blue.”
“That’s my girl” he quietly said
as he quickly had to turn his head;
for tears were falling from his eyes
as Daddy and daughter said Good-bye.

Mama,
I love you with my heart and soul; why did you have to grow old? The forgetfulness is everyday and you hurt me with the things you say. I miss our talks, I miss our hugs: when I say I love you, I just get a shrug. You look at me with a blank stare, as if you're wondering why I'm there. You don't know me, your own daughter, and as the days go by you disappear farther. There are days when you do see me, but those are few and far between. I miss your laughter and our talks and how we'd link arms when we walked. Now as I push you around in a chair, I think to God how this isn't fair. I want the mother I used to know, not the one that comes and goes. The memories of us run through my head as I watch you lying in that bed. You're  now a prisoner of your own mind and there are days when your words aren't kind. The things you say cut my heart in two; that isn't my mother, that isn't you. There are days when I wish the angels were here, to take you to daddy, but that's also my fear. To lose my mommy, the one I remember, but that would mean that I surrendered. That I gave up on seeing recognition and the love in your eyes that had no conditions. I get so angry and frustrated with you when you forget what to do. I know it's not how you wanted your golden years to be and that you'd be mortified to see: the way your life has taken a twist and that it's not what you'd wish. When the times comes for you to go, the tears from my heart will overflow. They will be from immense relief, but also from heartbreaking grief because even though you're gone now, long ago you kissed my brow. You are my mother, mama, mommy, friend and I will love you to the bittersweet end.

As I sit here all day; day in and day out, I try to grasp what it’s all about. Thoughts and dreams are all locked within; no longer can I tell a joke and grin. I try to remember how it used to be, but most of the time I don’t know what I see.
I can remember things from when I was young, but when I look at you I don’t know where you’re from. The hurt, the pain I see in your eyes makes me want to hide and cry. I know you must’ve meant the world to me, but how that can be?
My mind is so muddled with memories of the past, but I can’t seem to find the thoughts I need fast. I vaguely catch glimpses of you and I, but they seem to disappear in the blink of an eye. You say you’re my daughter, this must be true, but I can’t seem to remember anything of you.
I know it hurts, I know the pain. I can’t remember my daughter, am I still sane? I want to shout, shake my fist up at God, but then I forget and I feel odd.
Sometimes I forget how to tie my shoes or why I’m stuck here in this room. This isn’t my home, this isn’t my room; why am I here in this building of gloom? What is wrong, so wrong with me that I can’t remember who I see?
I look in the mirror and I don’t seem old, but I’m in my eighties is what I am told. I’m sorry I hurt you when you come around; I really don’t like to see your painful frown. I guess at one time I loved you more than life itself, but now all those memories are hidden on a shelf: deep in my mind is where they lie and no longer can I grasp them and it makes you cry.
My mind is a curse that everyone can see. Please when I go think of how I used to be. Don’t see me as I am now, but remember when I placed a kiss on your brow; when you ran to me with scrapes and boo-boos and I kissed away the pain and said "I love you".

Jumbled thoughts running through my head, and I think that I’d be better off dead. I think about all the things I used to do, like walking, running and hugging you. Now all I can do; day in and day out is stare at the ceiling and want to shout. Not being able to move my legs or arms, I never thought texting could cause such harm. I remember that night driving in my car, just sending a message and then seeing stars. Not stars, but headlights coming at me, and I thought briefly "How could this be?" I don’t know what happened next: all from just sending a text. I recall slowly opening my eyes and all of my family starting to cry. It seems I was in a coma for weeks and from what the doctor said my outlook was bleak. He said I’ll never walk or hug again as the tears started gathering on my chin. I couldn’t even wipe them away; it was the most terrifying day. Just one little text was all it took; just a glance down, one small look. Now I’ll never move up off this bed and thoughts of dying fill my head. I’ll never have kids or someone to love me; days filled with loneliness are all I see. I wish I could go back to that night and change it all to make things right. I can’t even **** myself; it’s what I wish I could do, all over sending that text to you.