Stricken, sudden realization
My sense of worth so breakable, so frayed
Your approval, my salvation
Washes over me like a wave.
It's unfair to me, to you
Dependence on your word
Breath held, between us two
As though it's the last we've ever heard.
In and out, up and down
Never quite quick enough
Falling, tripping, to the ground
I never did like it rough.
Water's edge, beautiful and deadly
Peeking at my toes
I always knew you were too friendly
Now it's got me, now it knows.
Knows the tide of my heart
Ebbs and flows
Never could keep up
With those highs and lows.

I drive myself to the cafe
Cracking a smile as I let my fear fade
Let the music in my ears take me away
It may have been cold, but I was living in the shade

Working up the courage to drink alone
Never allowing myself to enjoy what I love
Freezing in fear, I turn to stone
But today I drive myself to rise above

To a place with voices, fresh pastries, warm coffee, smiling faces
Swirling, twirling, I'm surrounded by choices
Wood and marble, rough wool and soft laces

Pouring a cup into the depth of my soul
I breath out and finally remember how to let go
Can't I find my own way to be whole?
Filled with coffee and music, I can finally flow ~

Want, wish, demand, require
Ought, take, command, desire

Hoping, stealing, dreaming, and pleading
Coping, healing, feeling, now needing

My mind is a veritable vortex of emotion
Don't look so alarmed; you caused this commotion

Wait, stay, live, try
Anticipate, gravitate, give, cry

Feeling, flushing, regretting, and thinking
Dealing, bluffing, forgetting, now drinking

The storm is dying down, it's so tranquil
Time kills all, let's be thankful

Argue, lie, forgive, make-up
Construe, divide, relive, break-up

Releasing, dismissing, ceasing, and grieving
Escaping, missing, decreasing, now leaving

End of the line, time to let go
What once was is all you'll know

It still hurts to see you
My heart crumbles when you appear
It's of utmost pessimum to need you
Wishing desperately to avoid the austere

But sometimes I catch myself pretending
Acting like we're not worlds apart
My well of hope seems never ending
Oh, if only we could restart

I would have done things differently
But there's no going back now
I'm trapped in this emotional debris
I want out, but I can't see how

We are stuck here in this void
In the space between dusk and dawn
Where all that was has been destroyed
Yet there's little chance of moving on

There's something left unfinished
A remnant of a promise of a dream
And though that future was diminished
I hold pieces of you in high esteem

I cannot let those pieces go
I cannot let them fade
Though they still hurt me so
I'm grateful a part of you has stayed

So here we are trapped inside
The space between dusk and dawn
This is the only place "us" can reside
I'll be here until the day it's gone..

I thought it was my own glow
Turns out I was just reflecting your light
Never lit up, now I know
But I started to burn when I held tight

I wanted to stay in the heat
So I returned to you each night
And in the shadows where we'd meet
I became the match you'd ignite

It was the challenge that had lit my fire
It was the chase that had made me flush
And it was that phenomenal desire
Which shook my knees and made me blush

I was glowing white hot with you near
You were my star in the dark, you see
But you fell, and my light disappeared
It all happened so suddenly
Losing you was as I'd feared
And I was left with only me..

You infected me with your praise
A thought provoked and I was yours
Immediately I was weak to your ways
Highly susceptible to your allures

Your virus spread through me like a fire
I was burning with a yearning for more
Your power left me with a hot desire
Churning deep within my core

But like any disease, you hurt me inside
My resistance corroded, my body gave way
I had no defense, internally crucified
No antibodies to keep you at bay

Over time I came to see the ugly truth
You had taken over and you were strong
My love was like candy, and you had a sweet tooth
Your presence was an affliction all along

So I turned up the heat, and starved you of attention
I stopped being your treat, ignored your condescension

Enraged by my defiance, and wounded by my suspicion
You demanded my compliance, and used all your ammunition

But the jig was up, it was too late
You'd revealed your hand
I would no longer wait
I figured out what you had planned

And then I was free
From this illness of you
I could be me
And we were through

Though your pestilence left behind many scars
I am now and forever immune to your charms

And should you try to deceive me again
You'll find this treasure far more secure
I may have been an easy target then
But now I am armed with the cure

My experience led me to the light
A future without ambiguity, and it's so bright

You were a sickness, an ailment, a disease
You were a cold..
And now I'm antifreeze

God..what you still do to me
When will I just move on, already?
Why can't I just breathe?
And why is my heart so unsteady?

It leaps like a rabbit when you appear
And my mind races just like a gazelle
I turn into an animal when you're near
A creature of prey, under a predator's spell

Though I'm not sure if it's fear that I feel
But whether I'm angry, scared, or just anxious as hell
It's clear to me you've left wounds that won't heal
It seems my past just can't say it's farewell

But I will keep dragging myself away from you
Leaving this trail of blood behind
I will survive the pain I went through
Time for this prey to put you out of her mind

Yes, this little thing still goes on
Though your teeth have torn and shredded her
She'll live through what she's undergone
And maybe, just maybe, outrun this predator

I wish I knew what you were thinking
It's killing me to be so unclear
Never able to catch up, I'm sinking
In a sea of gray, and you're nowhere near

Grabbing desperately at clouds
That were only ever in my head
Pleading, wishing, shouting out loud
Wishing to be natant - I can only tread

Won't you shed a little light?
The waters are deep and I cannot swim..
Won't you tell me if I'm right?
Aching all over, my chances look slim

Don't you know I need a little rest?
You've grabbed my heart, left your mark
And even when I'm trying my best..
Don't you know I'm afraid of the dark?

I don’t know what it means
But it’s something beautiful for sure
Giving me your all, no in-betweens
A little bruised, a little used, yet so pure

I looked up and saw you grin
A smile that touched my blue heart
Your kindness like a gentle wind
Slowly, tenderly, picking me apart

Soothing my wounds, helping me breathe
Building me up, dismantling my fear
Showing me the way to feel free
It’s so much easier when you’re here

Wondering where you’ve always been
Laughing, talking, touching, flowing
Nurturing the hidden tigress within
Helping, hoping, healing, knowing

A force for good, to which I’ve clung
The power you wield over me is strong and steady
Oh please, let loose your silvery tongue!
I was always here for you, and I now I am ready


To give in, and to let go
Let you color in the black
Watch it heal, let it grow
Show me you, and don’t hold back

A pause..

The pulse quickens
Throat swallows
Tension thickens
A breath follows

The silence weighs a ton
An everlasting duration
To the silence between someone
The sound of hesitation

Within the garden of my heart
A fragile flower grows
How much light is needed
It seems that no one knows

Some days it blooms
Fiery and bright like the sun
Other days it withers
Before the day's even begun

A deep and dark soil looms below
Complexity colors the delicate petals
A gentle breeze allows for dancing
And in the silence it settles

My heart seeks a caretaker
One with a gentle hand
As such rough manipulation
It can barely withstand

This little flower needs love most
With a true and steady touch
Tis the soft caress of a keeper
This heart has needed so much

I never forgot
No matter how hard I tried
The company we sought
The way I felt inside
Your favorite colors, and your deepest fear
The things you said that melted me
And helped me persevere

You changed my whole world
My old life shed like the skin on a snake
The blanket of security unfurled
But I dealt with the heartache

Because I had you
And though it was a lie
What happened was still truth
A story hard to come by

Oh, I never forgot
No matter the cost
You are often in my thoughts
Your presence, oh so soft

My heart was reaching out for you
And I meant every word I said
In the end I couldn't break through
To a heart already dead

You cursed my very nature
And you threw away our past
Changing until one day you were a stranger
Your new outlook so steadfast

But I never forgot the way you were
And what it was  we shared
Even if I'll never know for sure
If you ever really cared..

A new hope; a fresh start
Exciting, and frightening, too
From the moment I gave you my heart
I put all my trust in you

See, there are black marks where I've been burned before
And some wounds that are still trying to heal
But what you've given me is so much more
It's beautiful, and warm, and so very real

I'm scared but I'm trying to be brave
Because I want you to be mine
There's so much that I wish to say
As our lives and our hearts entwine

But I'll tell you with a look, a laugh, or a smile
I'll confess within my touches, my kisses, my embrace
That every second with you is worthwhile
I couldn't hide it if I tried
You can see it in my face

Abandoned under the guise of self-sacrifice
How many times have you told these lies

A wonder to behold in your own right
Latching on, holding tight
I was lost the moment I got in your sights

A silver tongue with unmatched wit
Even the most dominant would submit
To your linguistic lashings

Skilled in verbal maneuvers and molding minds
You reveled in being one of a kind

Sly, and slick, smooth and quick
Your trick was finding what made me tick

You made me yours, then slipped away
I was your toy, begging to play

But then you were done; tired I suppose
You disappeared, to where..god only knows

You played the martyr, a victim, a pawn
Suddenly all of your power was gone

I know better, but I still feel incomplete
The flavor of erasure is so bittersweet

The timing is always all wrong
I knew I couldn’t have this treasure
My heart wonders where I belong
Can I find one of equal measure?

The sky is stormy and gray
I can only wish for the sun
Wait for my moment today
Will I ever find the one?

My mind is a war torn land
And my spirit is calling for you
Will he ever take my hand?
Pulling me up out of the blue

Finding my way has been so hard
Restless nights in my bed
My heart may be bruised and scarred
With endless battles in my head

But I know I can go on now
I’m ready to take on the world
This is my word, this is my vow
Always, forever, the lonely girl

Turning the tides of war
Hear the kettledrums beating
Won’t take it anymore
And I’m so through with pleading

Tie me up or chase me down
Now I have the will to fight
Standing up, sticking around
Finding my way through the night

Stepping forward I face my foe
A shiver runs down my spine
I need to try, I need to know
I’m willing to take what’s mine

The outcome is uncertain now
And I’m sometimes fighting blind
But I won’t break, nor will I bow
I’ll win the war in my mind

Am I offering myself a knife to the heart?
Have I unsheathed my dagger?
I think not, I think not
Have you accepted your role, your part?
Would you admit your weakness, your stagger?
I think not, I think not

Deprecate my sense of taste and saunter away
Did you think I'd lay down and take it?
I think not, I think not
Putting my life on hold every single day
Did you think I could fake it?
I think not, I think not

My soul is music, and my heart is sound
Could you feel my past haunting your remark?
I think not, I think not
I looked for your empathy, it couldn't be found
Did you care if your words were stark?
I think not, I think not

Let me tell you this one time
Will you listen to such a girl?
I think not, I think not
What's been taken, was always mine
Did you notice when you broke my world?
I think not, I think not...