The world as it seems
Has been painted for me
By what is inside my own brain.
So this may be why
All that's beautiful dies
While misery always remains.

*** and drugs and rock and roll,
Hurts the body, frees the soul.
Lose your thoughts, absolve control.
Find the freedom others stole.

Going through the motions,
A corpse on puppet strings.
Showing no emotions,
Too wooden for such things.
One day I'll be locked away
Inside my wooden crate.
Till that day I'll dance and sway;
A much more awful fate.

Whisky, I neglected you
For mushrooms and amphetamines.
For ket and **** and LSD,
And Mandy too, to name a few.

Needn’t I have looked so far
To be the greatest of cliches.
The drugs and raves led me astray.
For writers, scotch is more on par.

Half your bottle drank away,
Half full in my state of mind.
Every sip; sublime and kind,
Every **** a harshened spray.

Now I’m stuck, a drunken haze
Has washed and swept the ways of rhyme.
In its tide is also time,
As by the sun, the night decays.

Whisky, polished, final sip.
Like the bottle, I am dry.
So, I tried, to write not high.
This poem *****. I’m off to trip.

I am day when it’s night in my mindset.
The dark has no power on me.
I inhale the stars ash with no thought,
And exhale the moons rays from the sea.
With a smile I could bleed the nights darkness,
And burn all the clouds from the sky.
It’s always in the days that I struggle,
Always in the nights that I fly.

When I hold your hand I can see that I’m half.
A half of a whole that’s much greater than I.
Whenever we kiss, and our chemicals mix,
Our atriums beat to harmonious sighs,
Widened in eye with no how, what’s or why’s.
Our love is an answer, a chance and a glance
Of the fact that our lives can be more than survival.

You, with your touch and your loves electricity.
Fertile and fierce, you’re my warm neon rose.
Vicious, your glows, which had soon overthrown
The darkness and evil I trapped deep inside me.
I can’t ignore it, my limerence foresaw,
It’s orphic, and it knows that you are for me.

Moulded by clay to a boring design,
Potentially scraped from the factory floors.
I’ve the conception that my own conception
Was callous and fallow, lazy, fugacious,
But mostly redundant, with one small exception;
As all would have meaning if I could be yours.

Caroline to Byron, Beatrice to Dante,
A muse can induce art much greater than I.
It’s quite right when I write I lose sight of sense,
As when I write of you sense need not apply.
My amorous love, my glamorous drug,
My muse of all muses, my honey soaked hug.

Orchids bloom in unison, erecting from my brain.
Pounding impulses take hold that nothing could subdue.
In this life you've painted floral all boring and plain,
So I would like, in return, to paint you floral too.
Cryptic, like the night sky, are the bruises on your chest.
Burning galaxies of bites now light your new-found skies.
On the ground are teeth marks planted, bear traps set to rest.
Keeping guard of what is mine that hides between your thighs.
Red rose petals on your lips, romantic stains of blood,
Made more vibrant with each kiss that I'll force onto you.
On our tongues we taste and share in your ******* flood.
It fizzes in its ecstasy, mollitious honeydew.
But best of all, the syzygy when you and I are fused,
The two of us and love itself all where we need to be.
Now the impulses you've forced have left you worn and bruised,
Painting you in love and lust and ownership by me.

The rose has been a symbol for
The joys of love, romance galore,
But could a rose be picked as fine
As you appear in eyes of mine?
See, I expect the red to pale,
The stem to curl, grotesque and stale,
The thorns to fall in ones and twos,
As tears, perhaps, inspired by you.

It has turned to autumn now
But that's not what I see.
Where the leaves are brown and red
Is black and white to me.

Yes, the frost as gripped the air
As summer bids adieu,
But I was cold in mid July
So tell me what is new?

Soon the lakes will glaze with ice
That's carried in the breath
Of the autumns genesis;
Exhaling gelid death.

So, another season comes
Another season goes.
All that's dead remains as such
And all that's living grows.
All that's cold in self and touch
Will some day decompose.

I have put myself through hell,
And, God forbid, my mind as well.
The drugs and *****,
The ‘What’s to lose?’
Reductive, simple attitudes.

I can say though, with no doubt,
Regardless of the ***** I spout,
Admiration,
Adoration,
No drug beats infatuation.

So, to her, I’ve one request.
For me to put my mind to rest,
To clear desire
I must try her,
God knows she will get me higher.

I found, between the cosmic doom
And manic laughing states,
Is where no more than boredom floats
And unfulfillment waits.

Some will turn, that want relief,
To ***, or drugs, or love.
Some will find just one is weak
And take all the above.

But others have much looser grips,
And joy slips through the three.
And that can make existence bleak
For those in life like me.

The thickened air of honey tone
And sun-specked effervescence
Gushes from the veins of dawn
And floods us in fluorescence.
The sleeping purples bleed to pinks
Then oranges to blue,
Yet nothing of this morning sun
Can glisten quite like you.

The daylight burns to charcoal night
As gentle winds start dancing,
Sweeping dusts of daylights ash
Through galaxies expanding.
The dust it drifts past Jupiter
And past Europa too,
Although this all means nothing when
My universe is you.

Seasons come and seasons go
But winter never leaves.
Turned to ice, this summer sun
That shone now merely grieves.
Our own Earth to Triton turned
With geysers shooting blue,
But nothings ever quite as cold
As life is without you.

I am not deluded,
Though a tad erratic.
There are voices in my head
But none are in my attic.
I may have a ***** loose,
I was made all shoddy.
I may hide a thousand thoughts
But never once a body.
****** may excite me,
But only when in books.
If you doubt me come to mine,
Alone, and take a look.

Let my fingers wander free,
Exploring, mauling violently
The skin that coats your perfect frame,
Your mind of sin and soul of shame.

Let yourself indulge in needs
And open up to where it leads.
I promise you, the guilt will fade,
Like every bruise of purple shade.

Let go of your fears and cares,
Relinquished with your underwear.
Empty out that mouth of doubts,
We’ll fill it up to push them out.

Let yourself explore the urge
Where *** and danger start to merge.
So bat your eyes and beg and pout
And be consumed and spat back out.

When you're hooked on skin,
No drug holds its power.
All the seeds of sin within
At once begin to flower.

Desperation spreads.
Self control is fleeting.
Every ***** thought is led
Through fantasies repeating.

Soon the pressure peaks.
Strength begins to taper.
Every gush of passion leaks
And soils the tissue paper.

I’ve constructed my own heaven,
One that I deserve.
Where the glitter’s broken glass
And all the angels; pervs.
Where euphoria is sold
For money by the gram.
Find me no more there on Earth
For this is where I am.

I’ve constructed my own heaven,
Wish that you could see
How much better this is than
The hell they made for me.
Where the demons hang by neckties
Grimacing in mirth.
Where the price of happiness
Is more than what it’s worth.

I’ve constructed my own heaven
With its golden gates,
Where a hedonistic ****
Of the senses waits.
Where the smokey clouds are dense
With fumes that stick to clothes.
I’ve constructed my own heaven
Of sorts, I suppose.

A dragonfly just happened by
With wings that split the air in two.
And while those wings were rainbow slick,
Its tail contrasts with midnight blue.
A jealousy took over me
While watching with a childish grin.
If only I could learn to fly,
Then life, for me, could soon begin.

I’d hate for one to drink to me,
It’s just a waste of alcohol.
I’d rather one be forced to drink
To quell the pain I’ve caused their soul.

But should a glass be raised to me,
With piercing glares around the room,
I’d smile and wave most gratefully
And pray that death should grace me soon.

Though God I know to be a cheat,
He never let’s me have my way.
He taunts me with anxiety
On every single ******* day.

So raise a glass, or maybe don’t.
I fear that life is just a game.
The extroverts may have their ways
But come the time, we’ll die the same.

The weight of life is reduced to a cloud
As raindrops of lysergic acid run free.
Their pitters and patters equally loud
As all of the colours that melt around me.
The womb of the universe beating its drum
And setting a pace for the flowers to bloom.
A force with such strength that all nature succumbs
As peacefulness floats in kaleidoscope flumes.

Empathy blossoms, arousing a smile,
That creeps from my lips to the end of the room,
Searing itself on a cosmic denial
That beauty like this shouldn’t gestate from gloom.
Floating, not unlike a dandelions seed,
Thoughts of anxiety flee to the Earth.
They carry but vapidness with the sweet breeze.
In nebulous nebulas they are dispersed.

Now what remains as a warm neon cloud
Is beauty profound and purpose pristine.
Unwanted, the ego is left disavowed
Dancing in memories of amphetamines.
Left in its place was the beauty and I.
Climbing like vines as it forces the walls.
Pushing them down with an ******* sigh,
Revealing a cosmos that rhythmically calls:

‘Freedom is such a deplorable word.
It offers ambitions too fruitful to take.
Though comfort or not,
As with fictitious plot,
It’s only as real as it’s fake.’

Thoughts are racing, pacing fast,
Swirling like tornado storms.
Sweeping up my common sense,
Forcing it to bend, transform.
Once a stream, serene and calm,
Thinking was a simple thing.
Now I'm forced to block my thoughts
Just to stop the pain they bring.
Anxious, nauseous, broken down.
Nervous sweats, all hot as hell.
All I hope is this next storm
Comes to sweep me up as well.

I can see Cecily's ****** bars.
Sammy can see them as well.
After he speaks
I keep catching him peek.
She knows that he sees, I can tell.

Bailey has smoked too much **** again.
He's dribbling over my shoes.
He acted all jokey
And tried out smoke me.
It went without saying he'd lose.

Tom's on the floor by the table.
We don't know if he's alive,
Hugging Joe's feet,
Who is slumped on the seat.
I don't think they're due to survive.

Chris had a couple of pills.
Ethan a tab or a few.
Toria's tweaking,
Max is just peaking,
Matt's throwing up in the loo.

I'm on the sofa while writing,
Louie beside me in tears.
We may have our issues
With drugs and their misuse,
But **** it, it gives me ideas.

Now here is the story
Of how you were born.
Your parents did ****
One soft Sunday morn.
It seeped out her *******,
Dripped down in her slit,
And that's how she birthed out
A man full of ****.

Somewhere gorgeous, beautiful.
Somewhere with concinnity.
Send me to a land afar,
Ripe with pure divinity.
Pick me from this land of men
Like a scab on putrid skin.
Send me to where all time ends or
Where the end of time begins,
Where this mortal folly dies,
Broken down by natures wrath,
Shaming human arrogance
With its final floral laugh.
Somewhere gorgeous, beautiful.
Somewhere with concinnity.
Somewhere from this concrete mess
Could you please deliver me?

If you know the way you came
You know how to return.
It may be an uphill climb
With many twists and turns.
You may lose your footing once
Or twice while on your way,
As the road may seem to just
Get steeper with each day.
You will fall from time to time
And tears will follow suit,
Demons from the mountain top
Shout claims you must refute.
If you can brave the obstacles
That once set you aflame,
You will make the journey through
The way that you once came

Serotonin, dopamine,
Wherever have you been?
I looked for you in *** and drugs
And all that's inbetween.
I even took up therapy
To fix my attitude,
So tell me why it is today
I woke in a good mood.
Should I be concerned of this?
I feel a little fear.
I can hear the singing birds
In place of angry sneers.
I can see the colours dripping
From the sky like rain.
Comforting, it coats me in
A range of gorgeous stains.

High on the vapours
From setting alight
The joys of our youth
In their dying delight.
We danced in the embers
Until they were dimming
Then bloomed from the darkness
A brand new beginning.

Beautiful isn't,
Nor will ever be,
A strong enough word
For abnormality.
Together we're woven
Throughout space and time,
Bobbing and waving
To our own design.

Then we found signals
Exclusive to us,
We rode on the wavelengths
We mistook for lust.
Though not too long later
The tides had all surged
And from mystic depths
Our new love had emerged.

High on the vapours
But no flame in sight,
Just you and I burning
The essence of night.
Each movement we make
Casting sparks from our eyes
Which sprinkle the darkness
With stars in the skies.

Many hundred aeons travelled,
Over many days.
Though I know, with certainty,
Just where all my love stays.
Like a bee to pollen, it is
Instinct, finding you,
As, if somewhere else it went,
All life would turn askew.
So give me all your nectar and
The usual clichés.
Pollinate, repopulate,
Until the end of days.
I promise not to sting you
If you promise not to *****,
For when it comes to both our love
No honey is as thick.

I’m sitting on the swings one night,
Beside my friend, who’s ****** on coke.
He spilled the usual complaints,
And so of those complaints we spoke.

“How do I get her to speak to me?”
“How long do you last in bed?”
“Why is it so hard to make them ***?”
“Wish I lived like you instead.”

This mighty man; a stockbroker,
A swindler with no pride to steal,
But as his friend, I felt for him
And sung my praise of lifes appeal.

Unbeknowst to him however,
Behind every word was stuck
An unintended ego boost
From hearing I’m the better ****.

And so I learned that fateful night
Inside I’m no more than a creep.
A **** puddle of arrogance,
Though only really half as deep.

In silence and heartache,
The air has turned dire.
Our smiles were combusted
By miseries fire.
Its smoke has enclosed us
Within our own sphere,
Though soon you'll be leaving.
Leaving me here.

For long I'd accustomed
To being alone.
No need for direction.
No need for a home.
But one day you found me,
Your hands full of love,
And lips full of comfort
Which smiled just above.

Now loneliness taunts me
Whenever you go.
You take with you more than
You ever could know.
My happiness follows,
Forever it's yours.
In silence and heartache,
In rises and falls.

In your breath are magic spells
Which wisp and curl on every word,
And as they waltz, your rhythmic voice
Becomes the sweetest sound I've heard.
There is such phonetic grace
In every phatic word you place,
But should your lips eclipse my name,
And let it slip with warm acclaim,
Or better yet, in passions flame,
Should you, with love for me proclaim,
Then science, to its knees will fall
As air will hold no oxygen,
Nor argon, neither nitrogen,
But beauty, magic. That is all.

I would like to tear your chest
And rip it open with my hands.
Grabbing, pulling at your heart
And freeing it from muscle strands.
Holding like a baby bird
I'll kiss it, beating on my lips.
Watching as with every thump
Your teardrop blood escapes and drips.
Full of love I'll kiss each day and
Full of lust I'll lick each night.
If to you, this all seems wrong,
I'd hate to be within the right.

Lucid thoughts of loveliness.
Red rose blemished skin.
Palpitating hearts which ******
From cages deep within.
Melodic is the essence
Of your moans of satisfaction;
Butterflies of sighs that fly
Too fast for me to catch them.
I am yours and you are mine,
Lips entangled, hips entwined.

The cold groped my skin with a harsh lunar grin
But too busy was I too see,
For out in the cold my desire grew bold
For Amy, the girl of my dreams.
So, against all that’s right, I set foot in the night,
For Amy was all I did need.

At her window I saw what I’d come searching for.
I climbed so her first touch may grace me.
Now unappealing, sensation and meaning,
Unless from the girl of my dreams.
Anxiety fluttered amongst all that stuttered
For words held no weight on her beauty.

There we stood glowing, the world left unknowing
Of what we had found in this scene.
No longer enamoured by lies and their glamour,
I need but the girl of my dreams.
Our hearts were in tune with the spin of the moon.
She brought back the rhythm I grieved.

Now cold had no place up against loves embrace.
Her affection sparked heat deep inside me.
There’s no room for the past when beside her at last,
With Amy, the girl of my dreams.
Though as happiness grew the night slipped too soon
And morning brought end to my dreams.

That April departure, not one thing was sharper.
It pierced me so effortlessly.
When turning my back I was drained from the lack
Of Amy, the girl of my dreams.
The moon that once guided had cruelly decided
To bring forth the end of my dreams.

Now left with her scent, was a tortured descent
Where loneliness mocked so cruelly.
There’s no purpose to find when I’ve left her behind,
My Amy, the girl of my dreams.
So alone evermore, knowing one thing for sure;
That happiness lives but in dreams.

Deep inside, and petrified,
Within my soul is cyanide,
Sitting, waiting patiently
For chances to escape from me.
For this reason it seems decent,
Fit to logic, moral reason,
That I keep my soul contained
And every single part arranged
Behind a face I've froze in place.
Dull of sense, of thought, of taste.
Trapped inside is where resides
My awful soul of cyanide.

With every song, it seems, today
I'm dragged, while kicking and screaming, through time.
Slipping between every crack in dimensions,
Feeling the slap and the burn of each rhyme.
Almost nostalgic, but colder.
When goosebumps had formed, it all became clear.
In days long passed, you had shown me these songs
That steal my mind whilst my body's stuck here.

God can be patient
And Satan can wait.
Hang up the halos
And relock the gate.
Those who have entered;
Abandon all hope.
Death tried to take me
But just couldn't cope.

Well, that's it, my brain is now rotten.
Lost in its fungus are feelings, forgotten.
A spur may occur, on a scarce blue moon,
Of energy telling me I'm back in tune,
But really it's vacant and harsh little lies.
Synapses shooting a brain as it dies.
Misery fruiting on mould colonised
From grey matter, shattered behind fading eyes.
Now just a hollow man, left with no bang,
Merely a whimper with such little whim.
Watching as slowly the old me is lost
While filling the blanks with a bad pseudonym
And sealing them over with mushrooms and liquor,
Though quicker and quicker the struggle gets bigger.
Sick and then sicker, from fluid to rigour.
Stuck in the mould, now forever disfigured.

Slowly I have noticed that
My days are spilling into one.
Colours started fading out
And now my sense of taste is gone.
Painted circles on my eyes,
From endless hours of restless sleep,
I wear them like a war paint,
My battle cry; a sullen weep.
Now it doesn’t hurt as much
As it has done for many years.
Creeping numbness took ahold
Now even death knows not my fears.

Yes, you have some parts of me
And yes, I know it’s true
That every single part you have
Belongs only to you.
I gave up my identity
And did away with pride.
I let myself be disembowelled
By waves from your loves tide.
But even when the storms hit
Or blue sky turns to black,
I’d sooner crawl home incomplete
Than take my pieces back.
Yes, you have some parts of me
And yes, I know it’s true
That every single part I gave
Will now fit only you.

Look at this horizon stretch
To make our lovely sky,
Wrapped up like a ribbon
On the worst gift you could buy.

I don't mean to scare you
But could we make a deal?
I would like to wear your skin
To know how beauty feels.
Maybe pop a couple eyes
And test your lovely brain.
Admiring the intellect
This mind of yours contains.
Possibly your lips and nose,
Your fingers, knees and feet.
You'll be my perfect exosuit
Of pretty skin and meat.

Find us down the rabbit hole,
Where life, no more, can interfere.
Where out is in and frowns are grins
And sadness soundly disappears.
Find us down the rabbit hole,
The only place our minds are cleared.
Where left is right and fear; delight,
And sense is overrun by weird.

Death may have taken you separate,
But once more you two are now whole,
Buried together, from ashes to ashes,
Particles plenty but singular soul.
Maybe there's comfort in thinking
That death we could someday undo.
For now though, you both sleep in silence,
And live through the roses above you.
He cried as he watched her get lowered,
In hopes from her grave she may climb.
Death may have taken you separate,
But now you are one for all time.

"It's not my place," the girl began,
"To tell you how to be.
But have you ever thought it might
Be nothing short of sheer delight
To run away with me?"

We were destined to fail.
From the start we were done.
We were Russian Roulette
With six shells in the gun.
That's one shot for me
And for you there's one more,
And should we survive
There's a spare extra four.

As someone as pervy as I am,
Never did it come to mind
That ***’s allure
Can be murky, impure
And to some degree, best left behind.

As a depressed individual,
I’d never thought it could be
That I would become
So disgusted and numb
By the wonderful drug; ecstasy.

But furthermore, music, I miss you.
Once you were more than just racket.
So, surf rock, I plea,
Won’t you please unleash me?
I’ll ride on your waves till you hack it.

These, I had thought, were in nature
The typical things we enjoy.
Euphoric, complete,
With a strong rhythmic beat,
And the feeling of girls, or of boys.

Though cravings for these are all vacant.
No ***, meds and no poetry.
A sensation drought,
From searing to burnout.
A ghost of a long deceased me.

She’ll steal the heart you thought had died
And breathe her life into your soul.
A soul that you had never found,
But not without you having tried.

She’ll trace her fingers on your skin
And wear away into your pores
Until within your blood she is,
To overdose adrenaline.

She sinks her teeth, expands her eye.
Encapsulating childish grin
Of innocence and sin intense.
She captures all that pass her by.

The sun never shines, the moon never sleeps,
Beneath the sky's blanket the earth is still.
Irises blossom and irises weep
And narcissi thrive in the uncertain chill.
Radiant colours have painted the fields,
Green of the gammas and epsilon black.
Change is a force only nature can wield,
Grief is a certainty nature brings back.
The sun never shines, the sky's never rich.
Cursed with a greyness of which it won't shed.
Monchromatic and bleak and eldritch,
Stitched to horizons with lavender thread.
Spring, in my youth, was a beautiful sight,
Desolate land would be painted anew.
Now that I've aged I can see through its sleight,
Engulfed by despair as the grass is by dew.

The autumn's scent has now released
As air is crisp and rife with chills,
But cold like this is far from bleak
With all these trees where crimson spills.

Orange leaves that catch the sunlight,
Skeletal, their frames are showing.
In their shades of death they give
A final dance from breezes blowing.

The prickling tickles fingertips
To stiffened, numb monstrosities,
And you could swear your blood had froze
To cause such harsh viscosity.

For it's now that summer weeps
A solemn, meek exhailed despair,
Which whistles in among the leaves
And dissipates in frozen air.

The autumn's scent has now released,
The orange, red and yellow shows,
The rigid fingers point away
As summer sighs, and summer goes.