In a world,
alone and afraid.
Its own shadows killing the light.
The rays are fading.
In a past life,
it was a dream.
With happy voices,
no fears to be seen.
No hatred
No loss
No bad.
I go to bed and dream,
The bed giving more satisfaction than anything in life.
I dream of wins,
of a perfect beautiful me.
I’m dazzled by the love surrounding me,
hoping it lasts forever.
But everything good eventually fades
I wake up.
I try to cling on to the joy I felt,
but it’s long gone.
And so my day began.
I look in the mirror,
staring at the grotesque face I see in it.
Every bit of pain, every wound,
showing through the pimples and eyebags.
No one really sees your experiences,
not even your family,
It hurts,
but the world wants you to hide it.
Who is this broken piece of the past?
Who do I seem to be in everyone’s mind?
Who am I?
I can never be sure,
my true reflection is in to many broken pieces of a mirror,
in one that used to be whole.
I try to glue them back together,
but the edges keep cutting me.
Leaving a more permanent sting.
I see a lonely little girl,
scared to be alone.
That part of me taking over.
The happiness is leaving.
I will find myself,
eventually.
Until then, i’ll cry into the silence,
hoping the pain will go away,
If anyone asks, i’m fine.
No matter how much i’m bleeding,
I’m fine.
Those who say “I know her”
They don’t.
They see a part of a whole image.
Too lost to be found again.
So, who am I really?
I’m a human,
A lost, broken, ripped apart, confused one,
But still human.
I continue with my usual routine,
doing chores and homework,
wondering if everyone feels like this.
Does everyone feel this alone,
this lost?
Is all this just part of growing up,
Or am I just broken?
Soon, the afternoon comes,
and I stare out a window,
watching kids coming home from school.
I hear their laughter,
the joy in their voices,
and wish I was them,
happy and free.
I used to be like that,
happy with the universe.
Now I beg it
to free me.
But, every time I try to go,
it stops me.
I lose hope every time,
my attempts don’t work.
I hope joy comes back to me,
with it’s loving arms wide open.
Just for me.
But until then,
I’ll just dream.
The afternoon slowly comes.
The sun is ready to set.
I’m shoving the pain out,
through the push-ups and crunches,
and blasting music.
I push myself,
till every part hurts.
I don’t complain.
I deserve it.
But, the pain doesn’t last,
at least not as long as I wanted it to.
I deserve to suffer at least for a lifetime
and that’s the least.
After making the sentiment unbearable to handle,
I made it worse.
I step into the shower,
drowning myself in boiling water.
It stings,
but, not only because of the heat . . .
As the water washes over me,
I think about it all.
What if I finally did it?
I know no ones gonna stop me.
When I finally come out,
I wrap myself in a towel,
Staring at my body.
It looks fat and disgusting.
The fat on my stomach sticking out,
Making me feel like a monster,
In a world of pure beauty.
As I stare,
I sob.
Every single time,
I stop an think,
“Why am I so ugly?”
But I know I deserve to feel it all.
I come out of the bathroom.
“Go eat something,” my mom calls out,
But I don’t want to.
My stomach is begging for food.
My heart is saying just eat a little.
My brain says I need to get skinny to be loved.
To be pretty.
So I starve.
It’s now 2:00 am.
I lay wide awake,
Feeling lonelier than ever,
As everyone else is sleeping.
I can’t fall asleep,
When I know this is my chance,
to finally be free.
But, I can’t go.
I’m too much of a coward,
to forever let go.
So, I lay there.
Trying to sleep.
Trying to dream once more.
Sorry for it being so long and all. I just have a lot of emotions and thoughts at the moment, that I am trying to process.