And I looked at his face,
his perfectly scruffy face,
and I knew I was in love with him.
It was 3:06am and I was in love with him.
I was in love with the boy who doesn't believe in love.
But at 3:06am I realized that I would be okay, because I would always love him.
The kind of love that warms your insides,
not the stupid butterfly **** you see in the movies.
The love that fills you with so much warmth you boil over with happiness.

At 3:06am, I was the happiest I had been that day,
because I was with him.
I ended my day with happiness, and started a new one with happiness,
and I knew it was okay to keep that a secret, because in that moment, happiness meant more than my undying love for him.

i tried
to fall again,
to open up,
but i was scared,
so i put up my walls,
enclosed myself in loneliness,
left you on the outside,
forever wondering.
just know i'm on the inside,
still trying to find a way out...
knowing i'll only escape
to no one

Alone she was left to wander,
To consider the paths she could take,
But there was nothing,
An empty void that once took the form of her hope,
Shattered,
Broken,
Helpless,
Who would hear her cry?
Who would save her from the darkness?
no one they answered,
And the darkness closed in.

A thousand words came to me,
Up from the depth of my heart,
But I stopped myself from saying them.
he won't listen
My thoughts insisted
you still love him
My heart urged,
But I screamed no,
And the words were gone,
The moment lost,
Never to return.

i put you through hell,
yet you still love me...
i opened my heart,
and he chose to leave me...
what is the choice?
what is the comparison?

I choose you.

the one who hasn't left,
despite my many flaws,

people always leave,
but then there's you,
waiting,
like the inevitable twilight left over from a sunset,
or a rainbow after a storm,
not summer or winter,
or a new spring day,
you are fall,
my fall.
a brisk season of comfort.
the vibrant change,
from a neon summer,
that seems endless,
with no change,
the muggy presence hangs in the air,
until fall come to refresh it,
a cool breeze to cool the heat,
to change the leaves,
to change *me

it numbs my chest,
burns in my heart.
how will i succeed?
what if i don't?
I crave you,
with every part of my being,
my mind,
a projector of memories,
my heart,
waiting to be filled by your love,
an empty cup.
i am a beggar at your door,
old and worn,
weathered from the storm,
but hear me,
see me,
love me
please,
do not shut the door.

i will wait,
i will fight,
but i will not let go,
i can't.
for i love you too deeply,
i love you too much,
scare me,
hurt me,
break me,
lose me,
i am still here,
loving you the same.

I used to type,
freely,
without hesitation.
But you stopped me...
You burned me,
abused me with your savage neglect.
Now I pause,
Hesitate,
Re type,
Reword,
My words are broken-
meaningless and empty...
searching the void of memories,
yelling at nothing,
accomplishing nothing,
nothing,
but a blank space

turn back the clock.
erase time
memories
hurt
loss
love
anxiety
everything.
all of the above.
all except you,
and me,
i would do it for you,
i will do it for you.
i have no option to love you,
no choice to feel this pull to be with you,
so i fall.

i watch the liquid crimson surface on my skin,
emerge from the depths of my being,
away it falls from me,
the stinging sensation filling me,
with joy?
no
with release.
with the freedom to control me.
the swift motion of the blade,
is me,
not her,
not him,
not them.
me
I decide my fate.

i am deleting you from my thoughts,
erasing you from my memory.
removing every piece of you i had,
scattered throughout my world,
a world you never desired to live in.
i am taking steps back,
slowly drifting away,
but your back is turned and you are smiling,
you will not care,
because you will not notice.

I heard the door shut before it opened,
Predicted the outcome,
saw the future.
Call it what you will,
but it goes by the name of destiny.
The fact that you and I were destined for an end.

you've become diluted.
What was once a strong,
poignant love,
has become watered down.
I used to be drunk,
saturated in your devotion,
it was everything i needed,
my nourishment,
my life line.
Then it was cut,
ties were severed,
and you were gone,
slipped from my grasp,
only memories were left to light the darkness that filled me.

Your loved entranced me,
filled me with ecstasy,
your leaving extinguished me,
crushed my faith
obliterated my hope.
but you came back,
and filled me with love,
took my hand and led me out.
Embraced me with your passion,
took my fears away,
close the distance,
this gap between our hearts,
saturate me with your love.

My words will drift away,
melt into the comfort of happiness,
coat the silence that slips across the span of nothingness.
I won't return,
and you will not wait.
take his hand,
they beckon,
I do.
I watch you fade as he leads me away,
no sound,
not a noise,
And I am gone.

You filled me with warmth,
wrapped me in you arms,
kissed me too hard,
loved me too deeply.
We laughed together,
the sweet bliss of ignorant love.
But it was not real.
We woke up empty handed and confused.
The love was a lie,
and the lie was a dream,
and the dream was lost.

Oh you silly fool,
thinking that love could save you from despair,
from darkness.
You see I am the one that controls you,
You silly fool,
Thinking you could escape me,
my emotions bind you,
my power will rule you,
There is no way out,
For I am *eternal

I love you.
I can't explain why
or how
or when I came to this conclusion,
I just love you,
in everything I do,
with every part of me,
with everything I am,
I am in love with you.

I crave independence,
desire freedom
but I am trapped,
forced to watch
from this cell that holds me,
extinguishing flames of the hopes of freedom.

I will be free
I will fly away,
beyond the limits of "forbidden" and "can't"
surpass the highest hopes of the future,
my past behind me,
moving *forward

It washes over me,
like a cool fall breeze,
a breath of fresh air,
and I am free.
I no longer feel tethered to you,
caged in my love for you,
I am okay
I am happy,
because he makes me smile,
because I can smile.

Why did I love you?
when all you did was make me hurt?
Make me cry?
He makes me laugh.
He lightens my heart.
You weighed me down,
but not anymore.
You left me
empty,
or so I thought,
but now I am full
of laughter,
of happiness,
of peace.

You don't control me,
you never will,
you chose your path,
and I can choose mine,
and I choose to live for me,
not for him,
and certainly not for you,
for myself.
I choose to leave you,
I choose to give up on you,
and that my friend,
*has set me free

i have given into the sadness,
let the feelings take over.
i will not fight,
i will not win,
i will sit here in my sadness,
let the grief wash over me,
until there is no more.

Your absence is like a bed of sharp nails,
Puncturing every inch of raw skin.
What is grief?
A theif which steals my time,
Emotions,
Energy,
Encompasses me in a void,
With you reverberating in the darkness,
Your name,
Your memories,
Your everything,
Tangled up and thrown at me,
All at once,
with the force of a lifetime
Taking my breath away.
I claw to the surface,
Let me breathe,
Let me live.
It has surrounded me,
And I have surrendered.
I will miss you,
I will *grieve

blood stained arms,
swollen face,
red rimmed eyes.
The blood flows freely from where the blade gashed my flesh.
Slacker
cut
Not good enough
slash
Worthless
a new slice appears.
Each with red, ruby red, emerging from the depths of my sorrow.
Each word rips into me,
and I carve,
carve the image i want to be,
carve the pain i long to be free from.
The crimson stains my skin,
giving each laceration a halo of red.

close the distance,
pull me close,
i am counting on you,
putting my faith in you,
one last time,
spread my arms,
and i jump,
i am falling,
again, head over heels,
love me
hold me
trust me
be with me
I love you.

He wrote me poems,
his heart on a page
filled with black
covered in syllables longing to reach me.
My heart was open,
raw and forced,
by the claws of heartache.
His words felt like liquor,
stinging the scrapes,
then numbing my heart,
drunk in the peacefulness of comfort.

He wrote me poems,
but I could not read them.
My mind was elsewhere,
lost in the memories and the hope for a tomorrow,
and
I slipped away,
broke his heart,
the page went blank.

He doesn't write me poems,
but this one is for him.
For every leaf that falls,
I think of him,
every snow that dusts the grass,
I remember him.
I will write him poetry,
to cover up the guilt I feel.
I hope he reads this,
to not understand
the enigma of love
friendship
hope
*im sorry

My heart pounds to the echo of your name,
my breath even with yours,
you are mine,
and i am yours,
unbreakable
untouchable
our bodies intertwined,
and for a moment,
we are *infinite

I can only imagine what it feels like to be loved by you.
What your lips feel like pressed against mine.
To feel my hand intertwined with yours,
When our eyes meet,  
And my heart stops,
Until next time, *my love

i want a way out,
to escape the invisible scars.
how do you show them?
how do you prove them?
who would believe you?
a mother does not love her child?
impossible!
well i say,
its possible.

my past is marred by your present,
my thoughts forever changed,
what i thought it was,
versus reality.

no one is perfect...
however the one you believe to be
falls so hard,
killing your expectations,
making you doubt yourself...
what is hope when it is lost?
how is it redeemed?
can it be redeemed?

i will not know answers,
to you and me,
or to if and why..
to when and now..
i only know now,
and what i wished never to know.

but we must persevere,
because life has no waiting rooms,
we are forced to move at a fast pace,
with only brief glances behind us,
to wonder,
to grieve,
to learn,
but then we are looking forward again,
into the inevitable void that is the future,
don't look down,
don't look back,
keep moving forward.

and so i wait,
*for my turn to look forward.

I am 1,000 pounds,
weighed down by memories,
by crushing defeat,
by failure,
by loss,
by regret...
yet I am weightless,
empty,
a trophy in a dusty case,
my varnish dim,
no longer new,
no longer shiny,
I struggle to stay afloat,
but I am still swimming,
because I see the lighthouse,
tall and shining.
a gleam of light beckoning from it's highest point,
come to me
swim to me
I am the way out
and so I tread.

I paint a picture in my head.
Of thrashing waters and foaming seas.
But there is hope too,
A man,
Reaching to help me,
Showing the promise of being saved,
But the voices trap me,
They tell me to bring him in too,
And I know I cannot listen,
I must rebel in the only way I know how,
To not listen,
To refuse to listen.
*i will not listen

There you stand.
Just a foot from me,
Your eyes say you want me,
But your body doesn't move.
You walk away and so do I,
And I don't look back,
but I know you're looking over your shoulder, watching me leave.
Convincing yourself this is what you want.
I want to turn around.
Run to you and kiss you,
and yell at you to want me too.
To want me as bad as your eyes say you do.
To love me with force
And to not be afraid.
But I am fearless.
And you are determined to be alone.

We are trapped,
only able to see love,
imagine love.
our senses constricted.
I cannot see you,
only your image,
distorted by the miles between us.
I cannot hear you,
only the deceiving voice pretending to be yours.
and worst of all,
I cannot touch you,
only the screens that separate us,
thin layers to cover up the distance between us.

i am just a lost soul
searching
for meaning
waiting
to be set free
*aren't we all?

Sometimes, it’s impossible to explain your feelings, or even to put them to words. Sometimes, even I don’t know where to begin,The happy, bubbly, enthusiastic me, can’t express my true feelings. And I guess there is a reason behind that. It’s not that I can’t...It’s that I choose not to. I would rather wear the “happy” mask an attend a life-long masquerade, then share my true feelings. The dark feelings. The ones that hold so much truth, sometimes, it hurts. The emptiness hurts the worst. That clique feeling of being in a crowded room and feeling..nothing..empty...alone. You question yourself. Why am I alone? But you can only come up with answers that you don’t want to hear. You tell yourself you’re unworthy, a bad friend, you have too many emotions. You want to scream stop. Stop torturing me! But you realize, its you. It’s always been you. Tearing yourself down, isolating yourself. What’s wrong with me? Am I sick? Why can’t I just be happy? But questioning makes it worse because eventually you get to the question you hope to never answer. Why am I here? ….Those are the darkest days. And true there is sometimes a brief flicker of light and hope, amidst the cloudy feeling normally looming in my head. I choose to live for the light. I choose to live because I can’t let this...disease defeat me. I have lost enough to know that I am not willing to lose control of my life. MY life. I’ve decided that I’m not hiding anymore. Why should I be ashamed of this disease? hide it from people? This will not defeat me. This will. not. defeat me, because there is hope, and the hope is the light that guides others away from darkness, and if I can be that light for others, maybe one day I will see the light, and someday I’ll be free from the command of depression.

"How was your day?" you never asked
terrible , I never said,
why don't you love me? I never asked
"I love you", you never said

this is not about you.
i refuse to miss you,
let this break me,
let myself love you.
i will not hope for you to come back to me,
i won't remember the way we used to be,
i won't think about how i used to fill my days with you,
how each hour spent with you was never enough for me.
but more importantly,
i won't think about how you don't miss me,
how i am the last thing on your mind,
and how you will never realize how much i cared.
this will not plague my mind
and cloud my dreams,
i will not think about you,
*i will not love you

you push me
you shove me,
past my breaking point.
until i hear the snap in my mind
feel the knives in my heart
feel the anger rip through me
and pour out of my eyes
leaving a trail of salt tears.
I loathe you
I fear you,
and you rage on.
making me bleed,
making me ache.
until i am gone
empty.
you have taken everything,
and given me nothing,
i am powerless.
*i am nothing

Your love enveloped me
in a suffocating embrace,
it terrified me,
i couldn't believe someone could love me,
as you did,
the distance threatened me,
it tapped my shoulder,
told me to escape,
so I listened
But it was wrong,
or so i thought,
I could've done it,
but you were already gone,
the distance overtook you,
intoxicated you with freedom,
filled you with independence,
and you are gone.
I am the one left wondering,
what switch was flipped?
What part snapped?
I will never know,
if it was her who entranced you,
or I who drove you away...
but you are gone,
and so am I,
and I will be okay.

I feel myself letting go of your hand,
The one I've known for so long.
Leaving the tight embrace that held me.
And I go,
Alone,
To find meaning,
The truth,
And somehow,
I am okay

Do you love me?
Should I let myself fall
completely?
Partially?
Do  I even have a choice?

it overtook me
like a wave
washing away my fears
my anger.
i felt nothing,
nothing but calm
still
silent.

i am alone,
but i do not fear loneliness,
for peace is with me,
covering my scars,
shutting my eyes,
and holding me close.

i am alone,
yet i am surrounded
comforted,
peace