Yesterday I took two.
Today I took one
I still ate too much,
I never learn.
I did though once,
It's just it's harder when you know you could get caught.
I told myself that it's okay,
Because I need it
Not because some people do it to get thin.
I did, I think I might be doing it again.

It's not that hard.
You were in the swing of it before,
Almost,
But then you thought you had done enough to stop.
You reproduced these thoughts;
You could just make them stop;
Make them leave and go away.
You know they're not real,
You brought them here,
But you're fine now:
You don't have to do this anymore.
Maybe it's another way of being a failure,
Because you'll never get it right,
But you tell yourself you do
Every time you trip up and catch yourself.
"That's enough for now" you say.
It proves the point that there's something,
But you don't have the right,
You're not even putting up with it.

Why don't you not eat?
Why do you dream when you are not asleep?
Why don't you try a little harder,
Because you're not good enough right now?
You always try to run away,
Knowing that you can't leave.
I wonder is it fun to fall back down,
When you trip over your own feet;
Your own mistakes; disasters;
With your vision distorted from tears no one else sees.
Concrete.
The barriers trap you,
You sit and silently scream
But for you it's much less peaceful,
Than it all seems.
You're suffocating fanaticising about being saved,
Most of the things you like about life are all just
Fake.

I think I'm quiet
But I think they think I'm too loud
When I think I'm loud
They say I'm so quiet

You used to belong to me,
Life used to be good;
It was like we spent time in another universe.
If you don't realise it was all down to you,
Then I don't know how you manage to be so ignorant.

Now it's as if you don't exist,
And when I catch a glimpse of you it's like I had forgotten,
Disgust reaches throughout my body,
To remind me what has changed.
I hope you're happy now,
Because I'm happier than I would be,
If you still bothered with me.

Back to then,
We were all great,
Maybe just on the surface somewhere,
But for me,
I really felt that the roots were deep down,
Stable safety, that won't be drowned.

Maybe we didn't.
I think we crumbled instead,
Burning.
I guess you caused an earthquake with your unnecessary everything,
Well it triggered a volcanic eruption,
Because the town of our groups friendship,
Was nothing more than ashes,
That could never be restored.

Nearly two years ago,
You took away your comfort from us hunny,
But I know you're also somehow the damaged party.
At least maybe that's what you think,
I'm not sure I could actually agree,
But I'll humour you,
Because you don't humour me.

And I hope you like your twisted nickname,
Because I'm not one for cute pet names,
But I am for sweet sarcastic revenge,
Maybe now you can feel guilty if I start being even more kind.

I won't dare to link that I felt protected,
Like I finally belonged here,
And now I just feel nothing and everything,
Back into the outside of this cold dark place,
But at least I have someone real to light it up again.

You don't,
So part of me wants to be nice,
Even though it's all your fault,
But then again I also want to,
Slap you in the ******* face.
It's not our job to take care of you anymore;
Keep spare arms open,
When you made sure that you don't deserve them.

I wonder how you're still surrounded by people,
But that's just who you are,
A beautiful excuse of a friendly human being,
It's not true.
You'll show them how ugly you can be in time,
And I remind myself I have to forgive their obliviousness,
Because you hide it the best,
Out of all those disasters I've met.

Sometimes I may still feel alone,
But I know I'm really not,
As I have the girl you lunged for:
My actual best friend,
My sister until the end,
Without your temporary false sanity.

Then there's you,
With people to talk to
For all the times I'm silent,
But I don't think they're real though.
Are they willing to sit with you in the dark?
How long for then?
Or should I ask how long it will be until you show them how you escape?

You always said you were made to be alone,
But we thought we'd show you that's not true,
You proved us wrong by showing us the reason,
It's because you're not true,
Even if a slight section of my heart still wants to wonder.

As I said, I'll be kind,
Even if I don't wholly want to,
But I'll say it just for now,
That I don't hate you.
I say it a lot and I'll keep going,
Honestly though, it still isn't true.

I really feel the burn of my hatred sometimes,
But there's somewhere that it doesn't meet,
And I'll never fall to your feet,
Though at the end of this life,
I'll be forced to admit that I don't really accept hating.

Lately I've been realising,
Forgiveness is important,
Then I thought about you:
The person I'm not sure I can apply it to,
The only thing is that I loved you once,
So if anyone were able to see deep inside,
They find I actually don't hate anyone any longer,
Because I'm too strong to be weak in that one place.

Don't worry though,
You still have no way of coming back.
While I'm confessing this I still feel like screaming,
About how much I really hate you.

It is partly true but not to the full extent,
No I don't have 100% hatred to offer you,
I've figured out not to keep bothering,
Too much with your type of evil.
This is because occasionally I still remember,
The illusion I thought was you.

I hope you have fun,
When your apparent friends for now cease,
Because I'm sure they just have to wait,
For you to do more of the same forbidden things,
Because no one else will enjoy it.
Isn't this supposed to be your sick entertainment?
Because I don't know why else you would do it.

If it's the end of the day it doesn't matter anymore.
Fall apart, stand up again,
Even though you're still not all together.
Who cares?
All they notice is that you get through another day,
They don't know what happened to get you there,
How it felt.
What's the point of emotions,
When they carry too much stress?
One day they might just all go away,
Would everything finally be okay,
Or would you just get back to being lost and
Empty?

Sometimes I think I might like to complain
About hardly ever seeing you,
Because not once have I found you.

I've never been the child looking up to you
There's probably one of those now though,
A little girl or boy,
That you tuck into bed at night
With a kiss on the head.
You know they're the one thing that you don't regret.

You can't regret me either you know,
Because you don't know me.
I haven't happened,
Or at least that's what you think.
Surely you'd have known
But I guess that you didn't care,
Did you dad?
Is it okay?
Can I call you that?
No, it's not because you're nothing to me
You never have been.
I wanted you
Maybe I still do.

I could momentarily forget
And it would all be fine for a day
But I don't like forgetting
Or pretending I don't feel the way I do
But for the sake of others
It looks like I'll almost always have to

She screams and cries
But there's nothing inside.
She won't find what she's looking for,
Because she says that she "just can't anymore".

Her eyes search the floor,
Just to keep her safe,
She wants to keep her distance far away.

She screams, she cries
The nostalgia is building inside.
The girl tries to convalesce from her saudade.

Sometimes she feels big,
But her presence is small.
She screams and cries
That she's burning inside

Only her imagination can put out the flame,
But this only reignites it all over again.

She screams, she cries
She's nothing inside.

It's just so hard to keep existing
Can't keep the walls up,
Because it's hard to do that alone,
And everyone can see
That I'll always be stuck on the outside,
From being too quiet
And too alone.

I know I have to stay,
But I really want to go.
How I "manage" is by finding ways
Of waiting till it's over.
I know I'll have to be trapped in a room,
Full of many others.
Everyone expects me to talk,
Without thinking I will only be distraught.

I don't feel people looking at me,
Unlike I've heard people say,
Instead I just get this harsh feeling of dread
That I can't be there any longer.
My insides feel torn,
Because I just have this feeling I can't explain to you.
All I can say is that I could never feel worse.
I want to escape but this is my curse.

I'd love to be able to talk to you guys,
But I'm afraid I feel I am breaking inside.
So just don't talk to me
And don't look close either,
And if I'm staring into space,
Then I don't want to be here.

If I'm supposed to be social:
Then I don't know what to say,
My heart will feel like it's floating away.
Heart palpitations are not what I seek,
Although I still happen to get them most weeks.
It's hard enough,
To wake up and think:
Today I have to get up
And surround myself with too many people and lost dreams.

I want to be social.
I would wish for it,
And sometimes I do,
But it doesn't seem like it will ever come true.
My longed for ambitions shall never be complete,
For they require social abilities
Which I cannot meet.
When I manage the simplest things,
That no one else has to think about,
I am just completely amazed at myself;
Like someone saying hello to me,
The fact that it happens
And responding back,
However after that one encounter,
I feel as though it's drained me,
Because I had just interacted
With another human being.