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Belle Aug 2020
i found stretch marks on my body the other day
i started slapping at them as tears ran down my face.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
but now all i can think about is what men will think of the red streaks on my hips and legs
how i wont be pretty anymore
ugly.
so effing ugly.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
they're natural, but i wouldnt have gotten them if i didnt gain a drastic amount
i cant see past them.
i weighed myself again, too.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
theres more coming
i see more everyday
i cant wear bikinis anymore
i cant have *** anymore
i want to rip off my skin.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
Belle Feb 2018
If I told you,
You were what my nightmares are made of
Would you stop texting me?
Belle Aug 2017
these are not monsters. there are no monsters here.
these feel like love, and when they enter you
they feel like something that was once missing is finally home.
how could monsters make such pretty girls?
such pretty girls,
such pretty skinny girls,
they look like the most glamorous parts of life. like everything
that is wonderful about being alive,
like diet cokes
and pictures of hip bones on a sunny, sandy day at the beach
here i am and all i’ve eaten for the past three days is my own fingernails
and these not monsters
can make you beautiful too.

you’ll learn to make jokes about why you’re cutting
the banana you brought for lunch
(and breakfast, and dinner)
into thirty-five pieces.
bringing the tiny pieces to your mouth from
folded napkin with exquisite fingers
to tentative tongue
and when the jokes become too unmanageable,
and taste too much like sustenance,
like letting go, like pleasure,
learn to put a stand hold to lunch,
forget what it means and
by the end of your senior year
you’ll know every spot in that school of yours
where no one will ask where your peers are
and why you look so tired,
and so sad


the not monsters
will tell you all their secrets.
you’ll learn that toothpick thin bones, when crushed
into ashes and stirred into
the twenty, thirty, forty glasses of water you planned on drinking today
taste like sweet, sweet lemonade
and you can drink it
for only the cost of the rest of your waking life spent praising
the feeling of emptiness
looking up number after number
and dead girl after number
you, too, can spend the rest
of your day smelling of what
you just had to flush down the
bathroom toilet.

go, they will tell you,
boney shaking hands, bottle cap wrists
make sure to memorize menus and all the lies you will have to tell
spend hours at the grocery store obsessing and counting
fifty
one hundred
two hundred
no more than three, of course
or else your thighs begin to blow up like the balloons
from all the parties you could never go to
you will learn to avoid celebration
because celebration means food
cake, chips, soda, foods you simply cannot consume
you will spend christmas day
dreaming about burying
your dissolving teeth into your knuckles and biting at your shirt
until your heart stops.

the not monsters
will feed you your first cigarette
and your second, and your tenth.
they will leave your once healthy and shiny hair
in a clump
on your pillowcase, just for you.
in your friends hand, while being braided.

and when your body gets too frail,
it starts to fall apart,
but where sick breaks skin
flowers will grow.
an entire garden will rise and grow
itself from your empty, malnourished stomach
rippling out your mouth and you’ll choke on the flowers
but you’ll be joyous
because at least you’re not consuming calories.
you’ll disintegrate
until you cannot be seen differently
from all the skeletons that are currently
living in your closet
don’t you just wish you could shrink
don’t you wish you could have that control
don’t you just wish you could make nobody know about this
because they just don't get why you’d do this
you don’t get why you’d do this
you’re so so smart but you just googled
how many calories are in mouth wash
the pretty girls
pretty skinny girls
pretty dying girls
pretty dead girls
the parasite can be restrained but it cannot not destroyed.
but it does not even matter.
it’s a beautiful thing to be made of porcelain. to be fragile. delicate. beautiful.
the picture of your hip bones at the beach was worth it.
Belle Jun 2018
i live in the past as if its home
it is disgusting
it causes me pain because
every corner
or room
the backyard
another memory creeps up
and im pathetic
it makes me uncapable
unlovable
uncomfortable
i remember each
sound
touch
voice
reminds me of each
person screaming
****** assault
malicious predator
i live in the past as if im stuck there
and i am
Belle Aug 2017
Texts from my mother while in recovery:

#1 Following the rules is easy, doing what's right is easy.
#2 Stop making attempts at manipulation.
#3 Stop it. What is the point?
#4 Stop acting out.
#5 Stop being disrespectful.
#6 It seems like you are not even trying.
#7 Are you behaving today? Are you being respectful?
#8 Stop being so negative.
#9 Show some insight.
#10 Just be positive.

Because treatment is so easy.
And treatment is not a place where I should ever feel upset or act out in any type of way.
Never can I say a negative word about how I am feeling--- no. I must say, "I am sad but it doesn't matter because it's a beautiful day out!"
I am finished with feeling belittled and unheard. Where is my support? I lost everyone including my mother now. It seems like all I have is me and I will do absolutely nothing good for myself, so right now I am alone.
Belle Mar 2018
A raven flew along, it was a cold winter day.
The black bird soon spotted a struggling bird on the ground and quickly landed nearby.
The raven greeted the fearful animal.
A small, shaking finch responded.
"Oh Raven, you must help me. For I am so alone and I cannot find my way. I will never live through this winter"
Clearly the find was in distress.
Sighing, the raven quickly looked around.
"I will aid you to be stronger, but you must promise me one thing."
The finch perked up, as the raven responded, "you can't give up."
So the birds took to the trees and the raven taught the finch how to fly. For the first step to anything is how to get back to your wings.
Then they went to the grass, and pecked for worms. The raven taught the finch that at times, it is okay to let your guard down, you are safe with other birds around.
And finally, how to make a home. A nest for the winter. They gathered all the twigs together, but the finch grew tired.
"Raven. I must rest."
"No finch, there is no resting until you build your foundation. You must continue."
"But I am tired."
"It does not matter. If you give up now, you will give up all." The raven handed the finch even more twigs.
The finch groaned, but painfully continued.
And they built the most beautiful nest.
In the nest the finch had both comfort, and sustainability.
"Raven, thank you. I now have the tools to be a strong bird. I can now, survive the winter."
"Finch. All you must do for me now, is never give up."
And with that, the raven flew away, in search of others to help.
Belle Aug 2017
They ask these questions and make these statements as if they know what I'm going through.
"You're smarter than this."
Actually, I'm so smart I'm able to hide food right in front of your eyes, exercise in the room right next to you, and hide everything that's going on without you knowing a thing. Do you know the mental capacity this takes?
"You should stop making everything so public"
No. I will not be ashamed of who I am. I will speak out and I will inspire others.
"But you do want to get better, right?"
You need to understand that it's a constant battle between wanting to heal and wanting to stay the same, this isn't something I can just decide.
"Why don't you just do __"
It's just not that easy.
If only it were, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation.
Belle Apr 2020
i remember this time years ago where the trees were full
i look at pictures and the trees have green beauty
now i look outside and they are naked
as my soul screeches i feel exposed,
just as the trees do
the wind blows and it goes right through them
if it's strong enough it will knock them down
a bird cannot hide
a bird cannot be protected
a bird cannot make a nest
without something disturbing it
i feel for the trees
they're ruined!
once a long time ago the trees were beautiful and full
they now sit,
barren and troubled.
i am the trees
Belle Dec 2019
if i put the same effort into getting out of bed that i do
starving myself
i would be so progressive
im gonna pass out
you dont look too good
i see it in your face
i havent been to school in 3 weeks because
getting out of bed is too hard
so i lay there
depriving my dog of playtime
and walks
so i could sulk in isolation
skipped work to nap
i cannot move
Belle Aug 2018
why does everyone around me have a life jacket but i dont
Belle Feb 2020
****
****
****
****
i have lost myself
and i hate you so much
but i hate myself more
why did i let this happen
Belle Mar 2018
it's sick, it's ******* sick as ******* plague to wish someone succeeded at suicide but if that's how i'm feeling i can't control it you ******* made me this way
you
i hate you
"you don't know how happy it's made me that we're friends again."
we aren't
we aren't
we aren't friends
you think i want to be friend with you
because i'm nice and if i didn't say yes you would probably threaten to **** yourself or some **** and say what you always say.
"but you've been my reason for living."
just like when i didn't say yes you stuck your fingers into me and breathed heavily and i sat there frozen and with no emotion but i wanted to yell for help.
you ruined my recovery and continue to.
people ask why don't i tell you to go away.
i try but you keep coming back.
like the devil.
do you hear the things you say?
"i tried to **** myself."
"i tried to **** myself and I just wanted someone to talk to."
i said I'm not in the place to hear that right now.
"******* Belle, all you ever do is rub it in my face."
You'll do it again.
i'm always the perpetrator.
i don't want to be friends.
stop talking to me.
i have nightmares of you strangling me and forcing me to do things with you, because this is what you once did.
asking someone to go away is never so simple when they're so obsessive.
i have had a ball and chain around both ankles for so long.
maybe i need a restraining order
Belle Dec 2017
has the pain ever been so bad,
you just do not know how to put it into words?
like a fire.
i can't extinguish it with any water, no matter the amount.
1 gallon, 12 gallons, 132 gallons, 1,089.
i should check if these cans are filled with gasoline.
or maybe it's like an abusive relationship
you know,
when your partner is so mean to you and it makes you go home at night and sob, and wail, and ferociously curse and wave your fist at the air.
yet somehow, you can't say "i don't want to be with you anymore"
and when your friend asks you where that bruise is from you'll probably just tell them you hit yourself on something.
is this because the pain is comforting?
is it because you've been here for so long?
is it because you don't know anything without the tears, the gut wrenching pulls and pushes at your psyche, the sinking stomach, the migraines from crying so much?
because when you have a moment of happiness you can't stay in that and then the pain has open arms and whispers to you, "welcome home."
pain is home.
pain has always been home.
a life without pain is not something you know of and no matter how awful, how miserable, how atrocious you feel, pain is when you belong.
"welcome home" whispers pain.
glad to be back.
no im not
Belle Aug 2017
I know it's taking my life away.
I know it's a facade.
I know it's ruining me.
But it's also a whole part of my brain that's different.
And I can't just switch it off.
I can't just make a change.
I can't have good day after good day. There's so many ups and downs. And that's why when people say "well just eat." It's so angering because,
I. Am. Not. In. Control.
I don't want to throw up I ******* hate it. Everytime I do it I literally go "no no no. But I have to."
And when I see ice cream or bread I reach for it and it's like something grabs my hand out of thin air and breaks my wrist.
And it's a physical pain and I want to cry all the time because I hate living like this.
But I'm scared living without it, too.
It's such a comfort and that's what's most scary about it.
And I can never foresee a future for myself. I get panicked because I can't even figure out what I want right now. All I can think about is this disease.
Belle Dec 2017
I bet y'all thought I was white
Yeah I get it
I look white
I mean like yeah I'm kinda white but
I'm not white
If you want to know EXACTLY
I'm 47.5% Native American of the Susquehannock tribe.
There's also some middle eastern in there, but that's irrelevant.
My family, we were strong natives.
A town in Pennsylvania named Annville.
It's named after my Aunt Ann, who was the leader of her tribe.
All this and people are so quick to assume I'm some "white girl."
I still don't know what's worse though,
Being called *******,
Or red skin.
Because they don't talk about what it's like when you don't look your ethnicity.
Then when you try explaining it to people... they laugh at you.
And tell you you're "touchy."
Or once again, just a "white girl."
When my friend dressed up as a quote on quote, Indian, for Halloween and I told her it was offensive, she scoffed and said, "but you're not even reeeeeally a Native American."
Cause when people look at me they think "white."
Sorry I don't put feathers in my braids and wear pelts of fur.
Do you want me to walk barefoot in the winter and sleep in a teepee?
We don't do that.
And you get the day off for Christopher Columbus? Cool.
He ***** our women and murdered our people. You know we were initially called Indians because he though we were India. He didn't find America...we did. But nice try.
And the Washington Redskins? I don't know if they're a good team or not, but god I hope they change their name because every time I hear it I feel like a piece of my heritage is slashed. But nobody realizes this. Do they?
People like to giggle behind my back when I defend my native side.
So when these people are having their outdoor weddings, or pool parties, or Fourth of July barbecues. I'm just going to do a little rain dance. See how much you're laughing then.
Belle Dec 2019
its christmas and the only gift i want is to lose weight

— The End —