Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
Belle May 2019
She was 13 years old the first time.
A mix of tequila and pain killers.
Laying on her bed, she did not know what to do.
Made a mistake.
Her brother tries to stick his finger down her throat in hope she wouldnt die.
Police said it was "teenage angst" a "typical teenage girl"
She refused to speak to them because they didnt understand.
"stupid girl." her mother says.
Goes to therapy and gets diagnosed.
But her mother doesn't think the diagnoses is real.
"You want some fries?"
18 years old the second time.
Roommate found her unconscious, brought to hospital.
Roommate is crying.
She felt so guilty.
Gets sent to Hell with people who all tried to **** themselves.
Gets jokes about her anorexia.
"You eat barely anything, no wonder you're so skinny!"
5 days of playing chess and daytime napping.
Can't go back to school.
3rd time it was winter. 19 years old.
Extremely cold. Probably 20 degrees.
She went out running, hoping she'd get hit by a car.
Cars are really good at stopping for pedestrians.
Spent 2 hours trying to **** herself.
She cried when it didn't work.
Went and banged on a facilities door at 12am.
Screaming help,
because now she's just tired.
she is me
Belle Sep 2017
I used to always wonder how people lived in New York City.
Where were the homes?
When I was younger I used to picture these rural houses with beautiful green grass and a lovely wrap around pine wood porch adjacent to the Empire State Building. Then I grew up and realized apartments existed, I realized neighborhoods in the Bronx, Brooklyn, and Queens existed and were places where suburban homes and condominiums were.
I realized that not all homes were made with grass and wrap around porches.
Some homes were on the fourth floor of an apartment complex with a musty smell and a view of a graffitied wall in the ghetto.
I realized that sometimes these places felt more like home than any home in a small rural town with a smoke puffing chimney and windmill could ever feel.
Belle Nov 2017
thank you
for the time you dedicated to me
even though it ended in a **** show
thank you
for the reassuring words that you offered
when i couldnt offer them up to myself
but
i will never thank you
for the betrayal i felt
when you canceled on me
or wouldnt let me leave the psych hospital,
lied to my face,
told me one thing, then someone else another
and when you gained my trust after i TOLD you it was so hard for me to give away,
and you ripped it to shreds
i will never ever ever thank you for the pain i felt when you gave up on me
or didnt respond to my pleas
my cries of help
when you told me i was seeking attention
and when i looked at you dead in the eye with a pain greater than both you or i know, and you never spoke to me again.
i was running down that street and you called my name, but you didnt tell me to stop.
thank you for your kind eyes
the way you tried to understand
and often, you did
but ******* for all the times your kind eyes werent so kind behind closed doors
when you went home to your lover at night and didnt think twice of me
for the times i needed you and you couldnt provide it to me
you didnt give me validation
because when something is on fire and you want to put it out you throw on water, but you added fuel.
the fire kept growing
i burnt.
and you watched.
so if you committed arson and werent caught, did it ever even matter in the first place?
Belle Aug 2017
She sat at the back of a club.
107 people.
But she felt like she was the only one.
The music pounded in her ears, making everything seem even more quiet.
Because no one noticed her falling apart right in front of them.
Because no one noticed her mascara running down her porcelain face.
Because no one heard her sobs as she sat there, isolated from the rest.
She felt more alone in this crowd.
Then she ever could in her own room.
The happiness of others,
made her realize that sadness of her own.
A sadness that had no depth, you couldn't reach the bottom.
A sadness that made even the sunniest days dark.
A sadness unlike the rest.
And so as she sat there with 107 other people. She sat there by herself.
Belle Aug 2017
Ideally,
9am
I would wake up and weigh myself.
Hopefully have gone down a pound.
I would have a 16oz cup of mint tea, maybe green to boost my metabolic rate.
No sugar, of course.
Maybe a handful of grapes, 60.
10a
Breathe in the morning air and stretch, feel my ribs, my hip bones, my chest and collar bones.
10:30a
Put on my workout clothes and go for a morning run.
1,
2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7 miles.
11:15a
Drink a big cup of water.
Take a cold shower, it burns calories quicker.
11:45a
Have lunch.
Lettuce, 5
Tomatoes, 22
Cucumber, 8
Dressing, 120
Cut that in half. 60.
95 calories.
12:30p
Go out with my friends.
They tell me I have a perfect figure and should try on clothes with them.
"No, I don't really want to buy anything. I will just watch you guys try things on."
I start to become anxious because it's almost time for my afternoon workout.
3:15p
I throw my items onto my floor and jump into my workout clothes.
I run in the scorching heat, feeling like my lungs are going to collapse, panting and wheezing.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 miles.
5p
Dinner.
Minestrone soup, 90
5:30p
Do some yoga stretching while watching some TV.
Drink diet coke and munch on sugar cubes.
8p
Final run of the day.
I must put on reflective gear because this is my longest run of the day and I will be out running late.
Okay. I got this. My legs feel weak and I am exhausted but I can do this. Slow pace. You got this.
1, 2, 3,
4, 5, 6
7, 8 miles
I collapse on my front lawn.
Panting, nearly feeling dead. But I did it.
Can't wait to do it all again tomorrow.
Belle Jul 2019
Fighting for herself,
a woman stands her ground.
She is we.
We is the women of the world, finally standing up for ourselves.
A woman knows she is strong. All on her own.
Against a man’s pride.
Awaken, women of the past,
Powerful women must unite.
be with us now.
All mighty women.
With the destruction of the man’s arrogance,
All men must come to understand their ignorance.
With this comes women howling with enthusiasm.
Breaking down barriers of the patriarchy.
Lower pay, ****** exploitation, being treated as if women are “lower” than all men. All these things that have shut out women for so long.
Well, watch this.
Smashing the wall,
standing our ground.
A woman is a hell of a force.
Don’t you know they named her Mother Nature for a reason?
We must help to resist.
Women do not come without being prepared.
It is an organized chaos.
As if it is Mother Nature herself.
Incredible and blazing.
A cure,
to what is wrong.
Women. Finally fighting for what’s right.
Women. It’s going to be a hell of a fight.
Belle Jun 2018
My bed
So safe
So comfortable
The home I actually enjoyed living in
In the house I hated
The pillow that I used to scream into
When I was frustrated
Because they didn’t understand
But
Oh so quickly that bed
Changed
When my once lover joined me in that bed
Because I didn’t ask him to
I wish hedve followed along like a vampire when coming into my home
Can’t come in
Unless you’re invited
My bed
My safety
My comfort
My home
His aggression
His forcefulness
His malicious intent
His home
So every time I sleep in my bed which is no longer my home
I find myself waking up
Screaming help
And sweating
Scratching my own skin off
I’ve always wondered why I’ve started sleeping better elsewhere
This must be why
Because even in a bed of thorns I’d sleep better
It would feel the same
I’d wake up, stabbed and bleeding.
#Bed #mentalillness #depression #sad #depressed #sadness #bedtime #**** #change
Belle Aug 2017
It is so nice being on your own.
No one to help you with anything. Not like you need it.
No one to tell you not to do that self destructive thing to yourself.
No one to make sure you get out and do something everyday.
You don't have to be social, you can just isolate!
Isn't it so nice?
Belle Mar 2019
Do you ever crave a person?
Not just physically,
but mentally.
You want the soothing sound of their voice.
The way they say your name,
and everything that comes out of their mouth.
But I'm afraid,
because I have someone already.
And one cannot live with 2 lovers.
One cannot be in love with more than one person.
But I am.
I feel this love coming from you,
the "they make me feel better when im upset." Or
the "this is the person i want to call every night and tell them about my day."
I love them both,
but must i choose?
If I do.
I choose you.
Belle Aug 2017
They persuaded her into selling her soul to give them what they did not deserve.
She ripped it from her insides and said, “Here. Take it. Throw it away and let it be known that I am your slave.”
A slave to the unnerving earth that wept as she walked and fell to the ground, curling into a ball of loneliness and despair.
A slave to society that when she curled into that ball, kicked her until her ribs broke and she bled from her nose.
A slave to a mind that told her, “You are wanted by nobody, you are just a tool for them to use.”
She would chase her anti depressants with whiskey and brush her teeth with tequila.
Only to see the reflection staring back at her with a black hand wrapped around her neck, making her beg for air, and another hand over her mouth forcing her to silence.
A black hand attached to a body, and a face, and a mouth that whispers to her, “You are mine. You are my slave.”
A slave to sadness, that makes her mutilate her smooth skin to choppy waters in a storm.
A slave to her co workers, because she feels like her male comrades have power over her and have a right to push her around.
A slave to her lover who forces her to love him, despite his violence.
She does not know her own name.
She only knows what they tell her to feel, when they tap on her shoulder and she slowly turns her head to look.
Only one word.
"Darkness"
Belle Dec 2017
all the birthdays i've missed
but all i'll gain
i've been in treatment for so long, hopefully this time will work
Belle Aug 2017
Not really quite sure where to go...
I could extend my hand to the right,
to the left
not at all.
I could take the path to the right,
to the left
or straight ahead.
I don't really know where I am going
I crave a known that I cannot get
A desire for a knowledge of where I will end up next.
I can never force the future,
nor really the next day.
Direction,
direction,
direction.
Where do I go from here?
I don't really know?
I feel so vulnerable thinking about where to go,
but I feel even more vulnerable not having a plan.
Not really quite sure where to go...
Belle Aug 2017
Once I drank so much I threw up and blacked out.
I vowed I wouldn’t drink again until I was 21.
Two weeks later I drank again thinking maybe it would make someone care.
It didn’t.
Belle Aug 2017
How does the world expect you not to **** yourself?
I do not understand why we are put on this earth.
We are born and we already have expectations put into us, then we are put into school by the age of four.
Forced to stand in line like some militia.
We get 30 minutes of free time then are summoned by a whistle and teachers go down checking to make sure we are all aligned.
Tell me how that sounds moral!
We are in school for another 14 years after that, and it just gets harder.
Soon, teachers start choosing favorites and start telling you that you're not good enough, smart enough, or quick enough. You try to do a sport you love only to be told "somebody else was better."
Your friends start to leave you to go join a different group of friends and all you get is a subtle wave and half smile as you walk down the hallway.
You graduate high school and move onto college.
Another four years of school.
Maybe nursing, maybe education, maybe psychology.
Whatever it is it's preparing you for a job that you have to have the rest of your life.
You don't get to have fun everyday.
You have to work, and though they say "the right job is fun." The right job is stressful. The right job is hard. The right job is still a daily struggle. The right job is still a constant battle!
Why were we put on this earth only to continue working, and making our life into one big unhappy nightmare?
Yet, when someone say they want to **** themselves, everyone replies, "oh but the world is so wonderful."
far
Belle Dec 2018
far
i dont know what to do
at this point
i feel nothing
i keep running around in circles
trying to figure it out
but i see the end of this rotary
thousands of miles away
and im so tired
so i cannot reach it
Belle Nov 2017
i feel pain for my soul,
you were always my dream
i dreamt of gold. the beauty and simplicity that would be our relationship
because we. we were meant to be.
i dreamt of autumn, harvesting one anothers minds, bodies, souls.
because, as i said. we were meant to be.
i still believed this even when he insulted me, and told me i was just a girl.
i still believed this when he ridiculed my passions and laughed at the art in the middle of the MET.
and later that night, forcing shots of alcohol down my throat until i blacked out in the bathroom, i still believed this.
he even told me not to. but i was blind, and maybe, just maybe the hurt was comforting.
i believed it even when he did not ask me to do it.
but when he grasped me i was gone
for i was neither happy nor sad
when he was doing this i felt numb
my spirit hovering in thin air
he would be the nightmare i had for the rest of my life.
and then i realized. it all seemed too much.
you were too scary.
monsters, answering with his breath.
my dream had transformed into my nightmare.
i loved you.
but i couldn't afford to stay.
Belle Nov 2019
i am going to try to articulate.
i am borderline
even more so, a gemini borderline.
if that has anything to do with it
i must have all the attention on me
at least that's what they say
but i think it's true because when you were in my bed
and you left
i said wait
you were not him.
you were someone else
who held my hand
and held me
so i must have all the attention,
again, a gemini.
a flirt,
i cannot control my impulses because of this disease
i thought i was okay
but now i see ill never be better
because i am a liar
and a lover
but not always of one
atleast,
thats what i say.
but i do love you
Belle Dec 2017
Did you know there are more than 500,000 homeless people in America?
A quarter of them children.
Boston has one of the highest homeless populations in this country.
1 in 8 Americans live on an income that put them at risk for hunger.
Do you know how hard it is out there? Do you know how easy it is to be homeless? And how people look at them with shameful eyes?
You're 47 and you just got fired from your job cause it's overstuffed you missed rent for two months, momma isn't gonna help you! You don't have any money in your savings because you had to pay off college loans and debt.
You're 19 and you get pregnant and you want the baby, you want to have this beautiful child. But your boyfriend leaves you and your parents won't accept it.
Life doesn't give a **** what your situation is, this world doesn't give a **** how you got homeless because if you're homeless you're seen as less than. Why are you seen as less than? I bet some of those people know more than you or I or he or she do. I bet they can offer you words that would blow your mind. And because they got fired, or made a mistake that they couldn't come back from we look at them and turn our heads as we walk by them, we donate money at Christmas to show we "cared but do we really?
Yesterday at my work we threw away 16 pounds of food waste and I seriously felt some type of pain ring through my body
Because I knew that could've fed ONE homeless person for weeks or multiple homeless people for the evening.
I just wanted to take it and stuff it into one of our **** salad bowls and go dish it out to anyone I saw who needed it.
Can you imagine not being able to eat for days because you can't even afford the $1.00 honey buns in the starz markets?
And people pretend they don't hear you when you ask them to help with food.
Why do we look at these people, who just want food, who just want warmth, and need a home, as if they're someone who ruined our country.
Rather then giving them the a look of embarrassment, give them a look of kindness.
Belle Nov 2017
i am not here
i am not yet born,
i am in a crate
i am not sure
i am not what i thought i was
i am still
i am lost
i am not yet grown
i am going
i am going
i am going
i am going far
...far
......far
.........far
downhill
i am sure
Belle Aug 2017
I am going... to try.
Not for you, but for me.
I will go downstairs and I will eat dinner.
I will wake up tomorrow and I will have breakfast, I will have lunch, I will have dinner. I will eat my snacks.
And if I cannot do all of it, that is okay.
I can try again the next day.
It's alright if I make mistakes. I can do that.
But I am going to try.
It's not cool when people care about you because you made yourself throw up.
It's not cool when people care about you because you can barely walk or stand without being lightheaded.
It's not cool when people care about you because you are sitting at meals staring at your food like it's some sort of foreign object.
It's not cool when you receive attention for your vitals being so bad that you faint.
It's cool when people applaud you for the hard work you have been putting in.
It's cool when you've made progress and people tell you they are proud.
It's cool when you get to go outside everyday because you've earned privileges.
It's cool when you get attention for doing well and having someone put their hand on your back and say, "hey, I know today was hard. But you made it through."
My eating disorder is not cool. In fact it's proven to be incredibly uncool.
I used to hate when people told me they were proud of me, but as I got told today how much I was loved and how proud everyone was of me I realized how cool recovery was.
I am not going to give up. It's going to be incredibly difficult. And some days, it may feel impossible but no matter what,
I am going to try.


- thoughts after being kicked out of treatment
Belle Dec 2017
I always told people, "I don't need no man. I am an independent woman, I'm never getting married."
I don't want a boyfriend because I just well, I don't need one.
It's funny. I may not need one, but sometimes, just sometimes, men, they'll sneak up on you, and the words "hello" suddenly sound so intriguing.
I am a ticking time bomb and maybe that's why I am so afraid of relationships and commitment and you.
And maybe that's why I again, don't want a boyfriend because I know it will never work because I'm going to **** some **** up and I'm going to ******* up and I'm going to make everything go wrong and I'll say something and your face will do the thing where your eyes stop shining and I just can't deal with that look of despair because it will strike me to my core.
But.
Right now.
I look at you.
And, you, you're. Something, draws me to you, and I can't put into words what it is about you but when I touch your skin, I feel it pulse through me and suddenly the winters cold is the hottest day of summer, like a California heat wave.
And when I look into your eyes I can't speak, I lose my train of thought I start to lose my words.
I have to focus because I can't think of anything but your dark, dark eyes.
And when we embrace I feel like I'm home. Everything stops for a moment. Nothing else in the world matters, I feel safe, in a world that stabs me repeatedly day after wretched day and throws me to the ground you rise me up and I don't know what to do because I'm falling in love with you so hard and so fast and I do this
I can't because I can't deal with this attachment because I'm not always around.
Meaning I can't give you my heart because I can barely give it to myself.
Meaning I cut my skin and I don't know how much of it I will have left one day.
Meaning I go in and out of hospitals and treatments centers and I don't want you to see me like that and every time someone asks "hey man, wheres your girl?" you have to make up some lie to protect me.
You're so supportive but sometimes there's only so much you can say.
You feel like home but sometimes I have to leave the house.
You're older than me and wiser, I sometimes wonder if you feel like you're in this because maybe you feel like you need to take care of me.
Maybe I like being taken care of.
But you always hold the door for me and the way you look at me it's like I am your world. And I want to tell you that we can't do this.
As if I won't destroy you and that's why I'm afraid.
I don't want to **** this up like I **** up everything else.
Because this time this feels right and every time anything feels right it always,
it always goes wrong.
but i love you so much
Belle Nov 2017
so young and unprepared
like the ocean before a storm
i was once like that.
but in due time one becomes aged and bent
you are no longer innocent
your eyes begin to sag
your body is an old tree
and with such cruel fate comes even more confusion
for all this time you let yourself go, it was not enough
but do you remember when you were a child?
when your mother kissed you goodnight.
and the stars were twinkling like diamonds
the ones your grandmother got you on your 11th birthday.
but now it's over, mother is not here. the stars are old, and so are you.
you have heard the call from the past.
and that is all it is.
you are older.
and so much more different and so much more sad.
Belle May 2018
“Which one you got?”
They inquire as if it’s something you receive.
“Whats it like?”
When you got that toy as a child, remember how invigorating it was?
“Well do you like it?”
Of course I like it. Or atleast at one point I did. Now it’s just there and I’m bored of it.
“Well why?”
Every toy becomes a burden at one point.
“So what do you do with it now?”
I try to put it away and hide it, because I hate when guests come over and ask me about it.
“But weren’t you so excited about it at one point?”
Yeah, but times change.
“So which one you got?”
They ask over and over again.
Finally I respond to the question. “Anorexia.”
Belle Jun 2018
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when all i've eaten today was my own fingernails and a smoothie
but i want that ******* cupcake---
when i eat it though i dont even enjoy it, i force myself into hating treats so that i dont win.
so i take a bite and i just want to cry
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when no other treatment center will accept me anymore
and my insurance barely covers me because they're so fed up
i've left AMA twice and have been kicked out three times
now it seems im about to go to my seventh round of residential and people are saying i have control over it
"the eating disorder is not a separate entity" they say
then why do i want to eat but i'm literally being forced not to
then why do i want to say sorry to everyone i've hurt and every person i said "im not eating" to that has just wanted to help me, but the eating disorder tells me to focus on myself
then i must be the dissappointment,
then i must be a ****** person
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when i want to go home and just be with my mom
when i'm scared my dog is starting to like my mom more than me and it makes me want to crumble in agony everytime he follows her and not me, and won't sleep on my bed anymore any time im home. because all ive done to him was leave him for treatment
i understand if he hates me
don't tell me it's going to be okay
if all i want to do is isolate
and nap
and cry
and cut everyone out of my life,
even the ones i love dearest
dont tell me it's going to be okay
when i see my weight go up not even a pound
and i want to rip my skin off
and throw myself in front of a moving vehicle
not quite die but feel the pain i believe i deserve after gaining
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when i THRIVE off the look people give me when i say i havent eaten all day
or have thoughts of harming myself
and everytime someone says "gee you look sick"
i feel like im doing something right
don't tell me it's going to be okay
when i couldnt even get through a semester of college
without nearly dying
and am supposed to be going into my junior year but i've only got enough credits to be a first semester freshman
im a failure in all aspects
don't tell me it's going to be okay
because it wont be.
Belle Feb 2018
my grandmother is dead and it is my fault
turns out the eating disorder doesn't just **** only you.
...
stressful.
Mom
Belle Dec 2017
Mom
May 27, 1998.
It was a Thursday at 7:50 p.m.
I was one of two.
"Name her Isabella, because she came out screaming. She's loud, like her grandmother."
My sister was 10 minutes later, quiet and feeble.
Her name, Andreana.
After my father Andrew, who wasn't there. He died two months earlier.
My mom, obviously she was there. But not really.
Atleast she wasn't around.
We had Jamie, and Erika, and Ausra, and Deb.
Me and my sister had eachother, and my brother, when he felt like it. When your dads dead and your mom works full time--because that's the only way to make a living.
You're really, well you're an orphan.
I remember when my mom went on business trips,
I'd bang my head on the wall because I was so miserable,
I'd cry myself sick.
I would sleep next to my sister and we'd look at the stars, I remember we used to stay up late and wait for her to get home. She'd hold me and whisper "soon."
As I felt the tears from her eyes gather in my hair, and rub against my skin.
My mom would bring us home gifts, as if gifts could mend our broken hearts. As if gifts replaced the love and attention we weren't getting.
I got to first grade and I stole from my teacher, I hung out with the "bad girl" in class and we used to bully this boy. My mom wondered why I had anger management issues and why I would lie.
She threw me into therapy, because she couldn't solve these problems on her own.
Except when I went to therapy all I wanted to do was play with the games. I just wanted someone to play with me.
I just wanted someone to care.
My nannies cared.
But they weren't my mom.
And eventually they left.
When they left, then we had Maria.
Maria pushed me into the wall when I was having tantrums and grabbed my face, told me to "stop misbehaving!"
I hated Maria.
My mom cared. She cared a lot. Maybe that was the problem.
She got so caught up in caring and making sure we were cared for that she forgot how to love.
When all the other kids parents came to the Halloween parade, I never saw my mom. My sister and I would sit together, while everyone else would sit with there mommies and daddies. But hey atleast we had eachother.
Right?
My mom wasn't able to make it to Shoreline or state championship track meets, or award nights because she had to work. She wasn't there when I became captain of the track team.
My best friends mom gave me a hug, i closed my eyes and pretended it was mine.
She cared, but she was never there.
I still looked for her face in the crowd every time I stood at that starting line.
Most times when I didn't see it, I wanted to cry, but the few times I did, I wanted to cry even harder.
Belle Sep 2017
My first mistake was being born.
Because when you are born the child of a doctor and an engineer you have expectations, you see.
You must be smart,
but of course not too smart because you’re a girl.
You must carry yourself with poise and grace,
but not too graceful or else you’ll be seen as too girly.
You must be successful,
but if you’re too successful no man will want to marry you.
Because when your father dies two months before you are born and your mother is constantly working, you’re already an orphan.
You must be happy,
but of course not too happy, because then people will think you’re strange.
You must help others,
but not before you help yourself.
You must not cry,
but if you do, make sure you hide it.
Because when you’re a sweet white girl with a nice body you’re seen as an object.
You must let him touch you,
but if you don't like it, make sure you act like you do.
You must never say no,
but if you do and he hits you, you cannot tell anybody.
You must not tell anybody,
but if you do and they laugh, you must understand.
Because when you’re a dancer and a runner, the pressure to be beautiful and thin is stronger than your cries of help.
You must restrict your calories,
but if you cant, make sure you throw up.
You must apply makeup and cover your blemishes,
but if you cant, make sure you hide your face.
You must exercise until you pass out,
but if you cant, make sure you don't eat the next day.
Because if you do not get good grades you are not good enough.
You must study,
but if you forget, make sure you cry yourself to sleep because you cannot do this anymore.
You must be the best in your class,
but if you can’t be, make sure you congratulate the best, even though you cannot do this anymore.
You must stay in and work hard instead of going out and having fun,
but if you don’t, make sure you feel guilty about it since you cannot do this anymore.
You must be happy.
You must be smart.
You must not cry.
You must be perfect.
You have to be.
You can’t be.
Belle May 2018
time passes by
and i don't realize it
see
i must just dissociate each moment
they say it happens when there is something bad going on
it's a so called "escape"
each moment is bad
so i can believe that
because
i'm not so sick anymore and i'm envious of the sick girls
my therapist said i don't need a high level of care anymore
so i guess i've failed
****
****
****
**** i ******* wish i couldnt walk again
looking like an auschwitz survivor
and i'm jealous
of girls bruised knuckles and
caved in eyes
now i jiggle
i was once that way
can't i do it again?
again
again
again
again im in a position that my body makes me want to die
or look like i am atleast
how did i get this big?
come back, come back
i need that illness back or else i might not be able to go on
i need it.
come back.
Belle Dec 2017
"there's no place like home for the holidays"
that stupid ******* Perry Como song has been ruining my life ever since Wednesday when I got a call that said, "actually we need you to come in tomorrow we are really concerned about you."
it was either residential or the hospital.
i was picking between the lesser of two evils
i called my grandmother on the phone and she said, "i don't understand why you aren't getting better."
and i don't either.
i had to force a smile upon my face today so i could force pep into my voice so i could force a lie to my lips about how good today was when i called her today.
when in reality today i cried three times and i wanted to jump out my bedroom window, and planned to run away on multiple occasions.
i opened the stocking they gave us when they tried to make it more "christmasy" and i just wanted to throw the ******* soaps they made me in their faces and screech "THIS IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH."
i want my family. i want ******* egg nog.
they didnt even let me make 5 minute eggnog.
i want to look at MY tree—-not this tree named "Harold" ******* thats 3 feet tall and has strictly circular, generic ornaments on it.
i want to be with my sister. i missed all summer with her because i was in treatment and now I'm missing all winter break with her because of it.
this isn't christmas.
this isn't home for the holidays.
nothing like laying in the middle of a stairwell looking at a white ceiling after talking to your joyful family for 35 minutes on the phone to make you realize how important the holidays with your family really are to you.
this is *******.
this is waiting 730 days for Christmas because I did not get it this year.
I'm so sorry that i ****** up again
i hate everything
i hate myself misty
i hate myself
i'm a terrible person
maybe the best christmas gift would be if i just died.
the counselors keep saying "if you die you'll never get to spend christmas with your family, though." but at least the pain would be over.
Belle Oct 2018
i've been stuck and wordless for so long.
there are no words to explain how i feel.
how do i tell you i missed class today due to depression keeping me in bed?
how do i say that i keep trying so hard but it's just never enough?
how do i try to do something that is supposed to make me happy but i end up getting no pleasure from it?
how do i live like this?
like im constantly drowning
like there's "no cure"
like i am a failure and whatever higher powers are up there sure like to make sure i know that
like im unforgivable
like i throw my heart into something only to get each artery ripped out one by one
like i cannot be real.
things havent been okay for a long time.
i fake it.
i tell people im doing much better
because i look okay.
i act okay.
so why should it matter?
how can i tell you im broken hearted?
like i am trying my best but it just doesnt work
it wont ever work.
Belle Jul 2018
I want to hide.
I want to isolate.
I want to leave.
Because this was a mistake that I can't easily get out of.
I see myself and all i see is a disappointment.
A sad, fat, shameful disappointment.
I hate myself so much and I am so afraid because now I'm eating everyday and I can hardly stand my body.
I look in the full length mirror and I don't recognize myself.
I used to be so much smaller.
I want to cry.
What am I without my eating disorder?
A shell of a boring, annoying person.
Not special.
Not unique.
Just, Belle.
I pretend like I'm okay,
but I'm not.
Belle is useless and can't think of anything else except for when to leave and can go back to behaviors again.
I am absolutely horrible. Seven times in residential treatment and nothing has helped.
Why am I still trying?
Maybe when I leave this time the eating disorder will **** me.
Cause after this, I don't have any more opportunities.
I am untreatable, unlovable, and unseen.
I act like the perfect patient, because the more I do that-- the quicker I get out of here.
"I cant wait until I starve myself again"
Constantly repeats in my brain.
i am tired.
i am in ******* pain.
i am crumbling
i am not okay
but i am happy.
My eating disorder gives me more happiness than anyone ever has.
I am my eating disorder.
I just wish I could shrink
I just wish I could have that control
I just wish I could make nobody know about this.
I am surrounded by people who support me,
but I want none of it.
Yet I wonder why I feel lonely.
I am worthless, I am a willful brat.
Even when I am pushing so hard, I'm still just as pointless.
My family can't wait until I get better.
I can't wait until I get worse.
I don't know what to do anymore, I want to recover, but I can't. I'm too hyper focused on being thin that nothing else matters.
Nothing will ever matter.
Not anymore.
Belle Nov 2017
why is everyone assuming im so good
"im so glad youre doing well"
"you seem so happy!"
"oh this is great that you are doing so much better."
but i am not
i am crying in grocery stores
and running because i ate a twinky
i am crumbling
i am not okay
this is not okay
Belle Aug 2017
And if you're ever feeling alone...
Remember,
There are birds outside, awakening everyday to fly and create nests, for their babies.
There are flowers, blooming, or getting ready to retire.
There are ants building colonies and bees creating kingdoms.
Trees giving the world life and blowing in the breeze.
So if you ever feel alone...
Remember,
Wolves still howl to the moon every night
And a child sees the break of dawn every day
The sun still rises and sets.
As does the moon.
So if you are ever feeling alone,
Remember that you have a beating heart.
A heart that continues to go on and on despite your struggles.
*** ***, *** ***.
It beats and it gives you life.
So if you ever feel alone,
Remember that you are not.
Belle Sep 2017
I feel nothing
I want to go and
run &
run &
run
until my lungs feel like they are on fire.
Maybe then...
I won't feel so numb.
Belle Aug 2017
She lays in her bed feeling like she's laying on cement.
Nothing feels good anymore.
It all hurts, it all feels so out of reach. Just out of reach. Everything is always just out of reach. Why is everything just out of reach?
Why does she do everything right and get nothing in return?
Maybe it's not right.
She gets her hopes up. She really needs to stop doing that, it creates unrealistic expectations and those are ideas that she just cannot get herself stuck on.
Is this the punishment for trying to be happy? She doesn't understand what she has done wrong, she doesn't understand what she needs to do right.
She no longer wants to do right.
People are belittling her.
People are telling her how she should act.
Her strings are being pulled left and right, down and up all at once.
She ripped a long time ago.
She sits there with a blank stare. No longer caring, she just has to agree with everyones orders and what everyone wants from her.
Her life is not her own.
Has it ever been her own?
Will it ever be?
Then it brings up the question, but does it matter?
She tries to speak but they grab it out of thin air and shake their heads at her.
Her words are not valid.
She is not valid.
She will never be valid.
It's no longer just out of reach.
It's completely out of her hands.
They have locked it in a box and hid the key.
She has no chance here.
She never has,
she never will.
Belle Feb 20
she was like cedar
astonishing, but delicate.
a nice mixture of things.
i'd say
but also easily dented and calloused
her eyes made of oceans
never know how deep they go
her voice,
a melody on its own
a simple song
a lullaby
she was like a doe
graceful and elegant
but easily shot down
huntee
as if i was the hunter
a treasure
worth more than the whole world in my hands
and i,
was the asteroid
Belle May 15
feeling lonely
less a part
my sanity left when this started
its so sad
because I'm sociable
its so sad
because my desires involve being with others
its so sad
because outside is a danger now
and how i thrive is going out and seeing people
going to public areas
talking at bars
socializing at restaurants
its so sad
because i don't know when this will end
quarantine has ****** me
and its so sad
please just end
Belle Aug 2018
“You will never regret recovery.”
I am regretting every minute of it.
Belle Mar 2018
she told me it would be okay. that everything would work out.
that i could lay in summers green grass, gazing into the blue sky.
she told me it would stay sunny, she didnt say fog would arise and clouds would start to cover.
she told me it would help me thrive, give me wings and grow flowers.
but when the wings grew they were broken. the flowers made me choke. i couldn't fly, i couldn't breathe.
the sky was all grey and she told me to keep going, there would soon be blue.
she would mend my broken wings with starvation and watching other people eat all the food i could not have.
she told me the flowers choke me to control me.
she was right.
she rubbed my wings with all the oils i kept out of my diet and they did heal.
but every time i would place food onto my tongue, or something other than diet drinks to flush my system, she would break my wings again and the grey would come back.
she'd reach down my throat and cut the flowers with shears of fire. standing above me as i screech in pain. waving them at me, yelling, "look what you have forced me to do."
so i walk with dead flowers and broken wings until i serve her again.
then she shows me a chart of all the food i haven't eaten in that week and applauses me.
i am tired.
i am in ******* pain.
but i am happy.
she heals me once again.
my flowers again choke me as they bloom, and i can fly.
my wings, stained with blood and tainted with scars.
I don't need food.
she told me that food is my enemy and food will only cause a disturbance.
but i am being sent away now and they are making me eat and ai am really unwell and doesn't she think that its about time?
i put the food in my mouth and finish one hundred percent.
she violently grabs my wings and pulls me to the ground.
one by one she plucks the flowers, i feel for my wings, where are they?
she told me, "don't you understand how much we have sacrificed?"
Belle Jan 26
i spoke to you again today
just a few texts
but it was enough to make me question my sanity
of leaving you
and finding someone else
no one could love me the way you did
somehow it felt right
but every time i hear from you
i dont know
its so painful.
youre so painful.
everything is so
painful.
thats why i took myself away from you
you were my drug and i was addicted
but it became too much
but just like drugs, youll want to go back
and i am questioning my sobriety more than ever.
****
Belle Nov 2017
at first i looked at you with my teeth barred and i hissed. under my breath i spoke, "great. a room mate in treatment. just what i needed."
i spoke but two words to you,
and then you spoke back.
softness, kindness, genuineness in your voice.
and when you laughed, the little snort you did made me smile.
we shared our stories for those two hours.
people stopped by our door and stared in looking at why we were laughing so hard, and then they laughed because we were contagious.
we shared the same issues, and made light of our situations, finding love and comfort through one another.
and when i cried, you swaddled me and fed me words of peace and wisdom.
when it was a hard day we had to ability to place our hands on one another backs and say to the other, "hey, i know today was hard, but I am proud of you." And when she was proud of me, I was proud of me.
I was proud of her.
I was proud of us.
And she was my best friend, and the amount of times we repeated the words, "i love you, i love you, i love you." to one another. Is unimaginable.
But, as all good things do, everything started to fall apart.
Or maybe just I did.
I said things I regretted.
I hurt my best friend. The person who I loved, and in turn hurt myself.
I loved her.
Oh my gosh I loved her. I'm not gay, at least I don't think I'm gay,
but i loved her more than any pulsing, living, breathing thing on this planet and I know they say soul mates have to be romantic but why can't they just be your best friend?!
And when we parted and I didn't get to touch her skin again, it's been what seems like years now, it's as if the winter came early.
A darkness fell upon me and oh it was dark.
Darker than her hair.
Her wardrobe.
Her sense of humor.
And now we rarely talk.
I love when I see your name pop up on my phone, the purple heart emoji next to it, that's my favorite emoji, I use it for the best people.
And I ******* hate it, too.
Because I can't put into words how sorry I am.
How much I miss you.
How much I need you right now.
Maybe I loved you so much because you gave me the feeling of importance that no one else ever did.
I can't put into words that you were exactly what I wanted in my life and now you are gone and I can't get it back.
Although,
maybe I just did.
Belle Nov 2017
i am not yet accustomed to this world
i want to go back again and make things better
for my heart aches knowing where everything was left
but it is already too late
too many mistakes were made
and i don't think anybody can forgive me
if i were to begin again i would do it right
for my life would have been different.
my life would surely be better.
but i can't
i will never have that opportunity
why? why? why? i am so ashamed
i am so embarrassed
i am so dreading the winter's cold; i will never understand why i do this to myself
for all things born into this world can be happy. so why can't i?
my body is both cold and lifeless as i ride down into deep seas. but when it reaches the bottom i dwell,
and i don't enjoy beauty from my past.
the dark is scary. but it seems to be endless
i will die in pain
i will always remember my past as a great tragedy. and when i crumble, remember, i am sorry
Belle Mar 2018
I want to let you know that I, whether or not you believe me, do at times know what's best for myself.
And right now this isn't feeling right.
I am feeling so pressured.
I am feeling so pushed.
I am feeling like I have been given a destination that does not exist.
Or one that is not reachable.
Like traveling from here to California on foot in 2 days.
I am feeling burdened.
I am feeling both hopeless and helpless.
I asked for a blessing, for a miracle, and what I was given was middle ground.
I hate the running back and fourth.
I hate the games.
I hate the hissing of faith and pride.
When I tell you I know where I am at I need you to listen.
Because this time I am telling you that I know where I'm at and what I need.
This time I am telling you that there is a certain level of faith that I have in myself, and I DO have faith in myself, but only so much and that's all that can be given, you know.
This time I am telling you to stop telling me that you have all the faith in me because you shouldn't.
You shouldn't.
Because you will be disappointed.
You're putting too much faith into me and like I said, I have a level of faith in myself, because I know I can do it but at my own pace, not at yours.
Or anyone else's.
Mine.
Listen to me.
Stop telling me you have so much faith.
Stop telling me I can do this now and now and now and when, and at this specific point.
I am feeling afraid.
I am feeling angry.
Belle Aug 8
i found stretch marks on my body the other day
i started slapping at them as tears ran down my face.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
but now all i can think about is what men will think of the red streaks on my hips and legs
how i wont be pretty anymore
ugly.
so effing ugly.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
they're natural, but i wouldnt have gotten them if i didnt gain a drastic amount
i cant see past them.
i weighed myself again, too.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
theres more coming
i see more everyday
i cant wear bikinis anymore
i cant have *** anymore
i want to rip off my skin.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
Belle Feb 2018
If I told you,
You were what my nightmares are made of
Would you stop texting me?
Belle Aug 2017
these are not monsters. there are no monsters here.
these feel like love, and when they enter you
they feel like something that was once missing is finally home.
how could monsters make such pretty girls?
such pretty girls,
such pretty skinny girls,
they look like the most glamorous parts of life. like everything
that is wonderful about being alive,
like diet cokes
and pictures of hip bones on a sunny, sandy day at the beach
here i am and all i’ve eaten for the past three days is my own fingernails
and these not monsters
can make you beautiful too.

you’ll learn to make jokes about why you’re cutting
the banana you brought for lunch
(and breakfast, and dinner)
into thirty-five pieces.
bringing the tiny pieces to your mouth from
folded napkin with exquisite fingers
to tentative tongue
and when the jokes become too unmanageable,
and taste too much like sustenance,
like letting go, like pleasure,
learn to put a stand hold to lunch,
forget what it means and
by the end of your senior year
you’ll know every spot in that school of yours
where no one will ask where your peers are
and why you look so tired,
and so sad


the not monsters
will tell you all their secrets.
you’ll learn that toothpick thin bones, when crushed
into ashes and stirred into
the twenty, thirty, forty glasses of water you planned on drinking today
taste like sweet, sweet lemonade
and you can drink it
for only the cost of the rest of your waking life spent praising
the feeling of emptiness
looking up number after number
and dead girl after number
you, too, can spend the rest
of your day smelling of what
you just had to flush down the
bathroom toilet.

go, they will tell you,
boney shaking hands, bottle cap wrists
make sure to memorize menus and all the lies you will have to tell
spend hours at the grocery store obsessing and counting
fifty
one hundred
two hundred
no more than three, of course
or else your thighs begin to blow up like the balloons
from all the parties you could never go to
you will learn to avoid celebration
because celebration means food
cake, chips, soda, foods you simply cannot consume
you will spend christmas day
dreaming about burying
your dissolving teeth into your knuckles and biting at your shirt
until your heart stops.

the not monsters
will feed you your first cigarette
and your second, and your tenth.
they will leave your once healthy and shiny hair
in a clump
on your pillowcase, just for you.
in your friends hand, while being braided.

and when your body gets too frail,
it starts to fall apart,
but where sick breaks skin
flowers will grow.
an entire garden will rise and grow
itself from your empty, malnourished stomach
rippling out your mouth and you’ll choke on the flowers
but you’ll be joyous
because at least you’re not consuming calories.
you’ll disintegrate
until you cannot be seen differently
from all the skeletons that are currently
living in your closet
don’t you just wish you could shrink
don’t you wish you could have that control
don’t you just wish you could make nobody know about this
because they just don't get why you’d do this
you don’t get why you’d do this
you’re so so smart but you just googled
how many calories are in mouth wash
the pretty girls
pretty skinny girls
pretty dying girls
pretty dead girls
the parasite can be restrained but it cannot not destroyed.
but it does not even matter.
it’s a beautiful thing to be made of porcelain. to be fragile. delicate. beautiful.
the picture of your hip bones at the beach was worth it.
Belle Jun 2018
i live in the past as if its home
it is disgusting
it causes me pain because
every corner
or room
the backyard
another memory creeps up
and im pathetic
it makes me uncapable
unlovable
uncomfortable
i remember each
sound
touch
voice
reminds me of each
person screaming
****** assault
malicious predator
i live in the past as if im stuck there
and i am
Belle Aug 2017
Texts from my mother while in recovery:

#1 Following the rules is easy, doing what's right is easy.
#2 Stop making attempts at manipulation.
#3 Stop it. What is the point?
#4 Stop acting out.
#5 Stop being disrespectful.
#6 It seems like you are not even trying.
#7 Are you behaving today? Are you being respectful?
#8 Stop being so negative.
#9 Show some insight.
#10 Just be positive.

Because treatment is so easy.
And treatment is not a place where I should ever feel upset or act out in any type of way.
Never can I say a negative word about how I am feeling--- no. I must say, "I am sad but it doesn't matter because it's a beautiful day out!"
I am finished with feeling belittled and unheard. Where is my support? I lost everyone including my mother now. It seems like all I have is me and I will do absolutely nothing good for myself, so right now I am alone.
Belle Mar 2018
A raven flew along, it was a cold winter day.
The black bird soon spotted a struggling bird on the ground and quickly landed nearby.
The raven greeted the fearful animal.
A small, shaking finch responded.
"Oh Raven, you must help me. For I am so alone and I cannot find my way. I will never live through this winter"
Clearly the find was in distress.
Sighing, the raven quickly looked around.
"I will aid you to be stronger, but you must promise me one thing."
The finch perked up, as the raven responded, "you can't give up."
So the birds took to the trees and the raven taught the finch how to fly. For the first step to anything is how to get back to your wings.
Then they went to the grass, and pecked for worms. The raven taught the finch that at times, it is okay to let your guard down, you are safe with other birds around.
And finally, how to make a home. A nest for the winter. They gathered all the twigs together, but the finch grew tired.
"Raven. I must rest."
"No finch, there is no resting until you build your foundation. You must continue."
"But I am tired."
"It does not matter. If you give up now, you will give up all." The raven handed the finch even more twigs.
The finch groaned, but painfully continued.
And they built the most beautiful nest.
In the nest the finch had both comfort, and sustainability.
"Raven, thank you. I now have the tools to be a strong bird. I can now, survive the winter."
"Finch. All you must do for me now, is never give up."
And with that, the raven flew away, in search of others to help.
Next page