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Belle Dec 2020
sometimes
coming home to your family is more lonely than coming home to an empty house
it feels like you dont belong
and you realize
just how sad you've been
the cheer, the joy, the excitement of your loved ones
and the excitement of them seeing you
makes you feel even more worthless
i dont know if they even do love me
Belle Dec 2020
winter is when I think of my past
i guess you could say it’s an anniversary of sorts
i drown and i feel as if my body is being crushed
continuous pain
if im drowning i can’t breathe
if im being crushed i can’t feel
but that’s the problem
is i do feel
too much in fact
repeated anxiety and repeated struggle
i am a ******* mess
why do i walk the road of emptiness and misery as if there’s not so much going for me
i want to breathe
but it’s
hard
inhale
exhale
release
Belle Aug 2020
i found stretch marks on my body the other day
i started slapping at them as tears ran down my face.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
but now all i can think about is what men will think of the red streaks on my hips and legs
how i wont be pretty anymore
ugly.
so effing ugly.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
they're natural, but i wouldnt have gotten them if i didnt gain a drastic amount
i cant see past them.
i weighed myself again, too.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
theres more coming
i see more everyday
i cant wear bikinis anymore
i cant have *** anymore
i want to rip off my skin.
"i am okay."
"i am recovered."
"they dont matter"
Belle May 2020
feeling lonely
less a part
my sanity left when this started
its so sad
because I'm sociable
its so sad
because my desires involve being with others
its so sad
because outside is a danger now
and how i thrive is going out and seeing people
going to public areas
talking at bars
socializing at restaurants
its so sad
because i don't know when this will end
quarantine has ****** me
and its so sad
please just end
Belle Apr 2020
i remember this time years ago where the trees were full
i look at pictures and the trees have green beauty
now i look outside and they are naked
as my soul screeches i feel exposed,
just as the trees do
the wind blows and it goes right through them
if it's strong enough it will knock them down
a bird cannot hide
a bird cannot be protected
a bird cannot make a nest
without something disturbing it
i feel for the trees
they're ruined!
once a long time ago the trees were beautiful and full
they now sit,
barren and troubled.
i am the trees
Belle Feb 2020
****
****
****
****
i have lost myself
and i hate you so much
but i hate myself more
why did i let this happen
Belle Feb 2020
she was like cedar
astonishing, but delicate.
a nice mixture of things.
i'd say
but also easily dented and calloused
her eyes made of oceans
never know how deep they go
her voice,
a melody on its own
a simple song
a lullaby
she was like a doe
graceful and elegant
but easily shot down
huntee
as if i was the hunter
a treasure
worth more than the whole world in my hands
and i,
was the asteroid
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