"it's okay"
"i understand"

why am i so frickin nice?
constantly repeating these words
while my heart shatters silently.

Beauty should not be pain.
Beauty should not be starvation.
Beauty should not be hours of preparation.

Real beauty is personality.
Real beauty is found on the inside, and only an ounce of a person's real beauty is shown in their outward appearance.
Real beauty is formed by years of self love and compassion.
Real beauty is shown through a person's eyes and through the way they act when no one is watching.
Real beauty is found in the little things.

Look for real beauty in everyone and everything you see, including yourself.

I can feel the winds of change
brushing against my skin.
It's so close to here and now.
We cling to time because
we know if we let it loose,
it may never come back.
We're always running from it,
change, even if it could be good.
The tide always rolls in,
the sun always rises,
as change is inevitable.

They ask me if I'm okay,
it seems like I never am.
Every moment of joy
is drowned by the pain from my past.
Am I addicted to the sadness?
There's something so beautiful about that storm inside.
About that dark night where all you can do is cry.
There's something so magical about feeling everything so deeply.
Tell me, am I addicted to the sadness?
It's the emotion I feel the most
and there's something so inviting about it.
It's suffocating me slowly,
but I'm addicted to the sadness.

here i am
surrounded by so much love and laughter.

for so long i felt so alone
and not worthy of love.

what might have happened if i had this sooner?

Voices in my head influenced by society,
telling me I need stuff in variety.
Materialism slowly suffocating me,
minimalism too hard to achieve for free.

this christmas doesn't feel right or real.
i'm not surrounded by my friends and family this year,
just me and my parents.

and i've been so busy that i haven't been able to fully celebrate and catch up to the reality of jesus's birth.
what a marvelous thing,
yet it doesn't feel real at all this year.

this christmas doesn't feel quite right,
yet through it all,
i'll do my best to be grateful and celebrate this beautiful day.

heart pounding in my chest,
the words slowly slip off my lips,
with fear gripping my stomach tightly.

i've never been so vulnerable
and that's the scary truth.

that deafening silence made me want
to go back in time,
but what was to follow,
was well worth the wait.
you said you felt that same.

peace and joy overflowed in my heart
making it hard to say anything more.

but in that moment,
nothing else needed to be said.

like any other day,
a stranger's glance,
as simple as a dance.

as he walked away,
we missed our chance
for a story of romance.

I never knew when we first met,
that I would regret you.
you made my heart so glad,
with those little lies you told.
I believed I was precious,
until you left me damaged.
you left me in the dark.
you left with no notice.
my heart will forever store the pain,
but my soul has moved on.
you can't damage my soul anymore.

true colors show//with time on our side.
fingers touch//hearts race.
my mind goes wild//how wonderful you are.
miss you already//searching for a way back.
do you feel the same//just friends just won't do, this time.

in some way,
we're all broken.

begging for comfort
and some medication
to relieve us of the pain.

we've all been shattered
into a million pieces
and felt like nothing.

we're all broken,
after all.

its a jungle up here,
full of "what-ifs" and expectations,
you'll always get lost in there,
i should know.
all roads lead to nowhere
and all happy thoughts
are turned to sad ones.
always thinking with
my heart,
which leads to pain.
it's a mad world,
my brain.

losing my heart for careless boys,
losing my soul for earthly desires.

the pain, the pain,
it rushes in like a flood.
never ceasing,
ever flowing.

this life is a test,
get past it and
eternal life awaits.

the struggle is temporary,
yet oh so constant.

those three little words,
they warm my heart
like no others.

saying them for the first time
gives me butterflies,
hoping you feel the same.

first days of the new year
spent with all of you.
so many laughs,
almost tears.
distance can't separate us,
time can't change us.

we started as one,
bound to one another.

the wolves pulled us apart,
howling in our ears
and telling us lies.

you left me surrounded
by these deadly wolves.

no control.
no strength.
just wolves.
stealing away my soul.

afraid of rejection,
waiting constantly
for a "right" time.
just speak truth
into their lives;
it's always the
right time to
do that.

i only see what could've been.
your kind eyes,
warm smile,
strong arms,
wrapping me in ever so tightly.

i try to re-spark the fire,
but that boy is gone.
never to be seen again.

that's how i know it's not love.

Life is just a series of events,
isn't it?
We have plans for our future that we're trying to carry out.
What about living in the moment?
Sometimes, I feel like I'm living the dream.
Whose dream?
Other times I feel like I'm not even alive.
I'm looking at my life from afar.
How is that human?
We want our lives to be as easy as possible.
But what if we need the hard times to make us who we are?
We try to have as many "friends" as possible.
Why?
Wouldn't it be better to have a couple friends that you could talk to about anything; than 1,000 "friends" that don't even know you?
Ask yourself,
                                          Who are YOU?

Father,
help me to lose control more
as foolish as that may sound,
help me be at peace with
giving control to you.
help me trust You and Your
oh so good plan more and more.
I am in Your hands,
so why would I not trust you?
let me let go, Father.
restore in me a peaceful heart,
one that i once had,
i know with you it's not impossible.

i willingly dove in,
knowing my heart would
bleed and shatter.

for your eyes were as blue
as the sea, and your smile;
the sweetest one i'd seen.

The day started so blue,
but somehow I made it through.
Time spent with an amazing friend,
made those feelings end.
I know I'll feel it again,
but for now my heart can mend.

I want to run,
as fast as a storming wind.
I want to leave this place,
I want to leave everything and start over.
I want to run,
I don't care where,
any place is better than here and now.

Through all the tears and the smiles,
You were always there for me.
I let you in, and You helped me bloom into a stunning flower.
Joyful in everything and ready to keep growing.
I learned the value of patience, friendship, courage, and self-love.
Through it all, You guided me through.
All the scary, new adventures; I wasn't truly scared for I had You by my side.
Lord, take my heart and shape it to look like yours more and more this coming year as well.
Let me be kind and hopeful in all I do.
Let me be more like You.

i've been left so many times,
i'm just waiting for that moment to come with you.

i trust you more than most people,
yet i still expect that of you.

i have this urge to leave
before you leave me,
why can't i just stay?
am i afraid to see what will happen?

"it's so cold in there now",
"where?" he asks,
"in your eyes".

That wasn't how I thought it'd go.
I'm left feeling useless and confused.
Why do we text all the time, if you can't even form a sentence on the phone?

Pure silence filling the room and my heart.
Maybe you were upset and tired,
But you could have at least tried, that's all that I ask,
for you to try to get to know me.

Maybe they were right about you.
You haven't figured out life yet,
and you don't seem to be trying.
You complain about life,
yet you do nothing to change it.
Maybe you were right about you.
You constantly putting yourself down,
Me constantly trying to encourage you,
But maybe all this time, you were right.

Once again, my wanting to see the best in people puts a knife in my back.
I guess this is what I get for being kind.

Father, keep me wise.
Keep my eyes on You.
Life is moving way too fast.
So much good around me.
I see You everywhere.
In a stranger's smile,
in the wind blowing through the trees,
I see You holding my hand.
But even with all the good,
evil seeps in.
Keep my mind and heart pure.
Protect me from Satan and his darts.
Through You, I know I am safe.
With You by my side, I can do so much more than on my own.
There's never a moment when You're not near my heart.
Keep me wise, Father.
Keep me safe.
Keep my eyes on You, let not the world take over my heart, only you, Lord.

should I stay
or should I go.
i wonder all day
what I should do.

this love so pure,
so rare to find.
i try to act mature,
but I mind.

you're my dilemma,
never there for me.
never here to stay.
tell me to let go.
tell me to hang on.

Your diligence scared me off at first
So focused and intense
No time for anyone else.

But then I met the softer you
The you who listens
Who observers
Who lights up the room

That's the you I liked

Despite what others said about you
I gave you a shot

Maybe I expected too much
But is it too much to ask for someone to feel the same?

They say you're closed off
You can't make friends
You hide behind your work

Though it's all true
I see more to you

I see a driven man
Prepared for the future
Hurt by the past
Weary of new faces
Scared of them leaving you behind,
Alone and broken.
Like before.

I stuck around and tried to get to know you
I endured the awkward silences
The moods you'd get in
And at a certain point
I gave up.

Looking into those blue eyes still makes me smile
I laugh at everything you say, even if it's truly not funny
My heart still flutters when your hand draws near to mine

But I know this isn't right.
Maybe someday, but not today.

You need to grow.
You need to move out.
Find your calling
Try something new

I need to learn to love properly
And grow in myself
And I'm leaving soon.

So here we are.
I see you twice a week, if not more, and try to be your friend.
Sometimes it's easy
But when you talk to a new girl,
My eyes can't help but wander over to you two.

I know it'll just take time
But that's something I'm not good at
Waiting
Wanting
Watching
But here I am.

that girl,
the one who is vulnerable and honest,
sweet and sarcastic,
tries to love unconditionally,
sees the best in others,
but not herself,
burns herself out
trying to be good at everything,
tries to put God above all else,
but always feels like she's failed,
longs to be loved,
but when love comes her way,
she doesn't know how to truly accept it.

but that girl is learning
she's growing
she's leaning on God
and trying to navigate all of this.