and so i've been wanting to do an open mic
to take that step into my fear of the public
to let others hear the voice i have inside
but will the feedback hurt?
will the reverb bore them?
will the whoosh of my breath on the mic
reflect the lack of air in my lungs
the feeling of eyes glazing over
or worse digging into my skin
will my ear drums crumble
upon the sound of my own words
should i just stay and recite to the birds
at least their mocking sounds like song

i've finally started to see
that being single
just means being me

single doesn't mean missing something

single doesn't mean empty
single doesn't mean one less
doesn't mean i lost something

i just gained myself
i just gained freedom


1≠0

1≠-1

me and you did not always equal two
sometimes it was more me carrying you

i used all those burned bridges
all that baggage
those tears
the broken glass
the stained sheets
the anniversary presents
that old t-shirt i took
all those sweaters too
even those socks i stole in the winter
when the snow soaked through my shoes

i took all the leftovers
from all those years
and i used them to learn

stacked up all those memories
used them to reach a new understanding

re-purposed old arguments
to make me a better woman

i stopped covering old scars
i let them remind me of how far i've come instead

i let the slight tinge of pain
when i see your face
remind me that my heart
still works
that my brain still remembers
and that's OK

getting over
and moving on
isn't feeling nothing

1≠0


moving on
and getting over
means trusting myself

making my own decisions
making my own mistakes
instead of cleaning up someone else's

it means standing on both my feet

instead of balancing on one

it means keeping myself warm at night
easing my own mind

it means taking care of myself
so that i can love me

it means looking in the mirror
and knowing i am beautiful
not waiting for the words to come off of someone else's lips

being single

means i have nothing to lose
and everything to gain

so no i am not lonely
no i am not bored

no i am definitely not looking
i am not searching

i have already found my partner
i found her the second you left me
by myself

i still find her everyday

my other half
is just myself being whole

i find my soulmate
every day without you

i find her in the subway
humming to herself on the platform
i find her in my morning coffee
i find her looking back at me every day
and every night
i find her staring at me through the mirror
and i find her in all those times
that i used to feel alone

being single doesn't mean i am singular

i am an infinite arsenal of strength
of hope and self-love

being without you
gives me more time to become me

and i think i'm going to love
this becoming
more than i ever loved
being with someone else

i don't need a relationship history
to define what i should be

i am writing my own **** book
and the heroine is me

i don't need a script
written by some husband-to-be

my life is not a fairy tale movie

it's a real, raw, documentary
and it's starring me

so i don't need
five star reviews
from past lovers and fools
to tell me how good my acting was

i don't need to act anymore
i don't need to fake it

i'm doing this for me
now and forever
and since you carry yourself
wherever you go
forever and always
is one promise
that i know i can keep

and if i do meet someone
who says they love me

well this time i'll love me too

next time it won't be 1+1=2

it will be 1+1= 1 +1
i'll be me and you'll be you

but for now it's just me
and i'm more than just enough
i'm plenty

i'm writing this because i need to focus
i'm writing this because i need to get it off my chest
i'm writing this because it's driving me insane
rather
i'm writing this because i don't know if i'm going crazy or if it's real
i'm writing this because i have a mile high stack of responsibilities with my name on it that i can't seem to get to because all day all i do is think of you.
so here goes.

i'm still in love with you.

scrap that.

i still think of you every day
i still feel your touch on my skin
i still hear your voice in my ear
i still catch myself pretending you're next to me
when i can't sleep at night

so what do you think?
am i still in love?

is this just the loneliness of winter in the city getting to me?
is this just desperation?
is this just having not been kissed in so long?
is this OCD? is it depression? is it my anxiety?

or is it you?
is it me?
was that why you left?

it doesn't matter anyway, right?


each memory of us replaying through my mind like a film with no ending
i spend each morning and each night waiting
for that final scene

i tried to force myself to think
of all the reasons we went bad
all the sour memories
bitterness
i could taste it on my tongue
cruel words
pouring out of my mouth
like hot oil
the tears
burning like fire from my eyes

but the laughter and the joy
keep coming back
oh god joy
i haven't felt that in a while have i

it had become a synonym for you

now i know that i'm fine
i have no trouble getting through

it's just the getting over
that's proven hard to do

so if someone could let me know

am i in love?

or is this a passing storm?

will i sink or swim?
should i dive right in?

dark chocolate eyes
the kind that should have been mine
hips like the tide
move like that
make me smile
legs that keep going
have me looking longer than a mile
you wind me down
better than the strongest wine
but you go down smooth

the taste of your mouth
sweet like the strawberry kind
lips so soft it make you stop just to think about them

though your words cut deeper than a carving knife
i'd pay to hear you speak them one more time

make me question every ******* day
why the hell you aren't mine

baby i'd put myself in debt
just to hold you for a while
you say no amount of money
can buy your time
but when that hand
is on my thigh
it's you who colors my sky
painting right over my grey days
wish i knew you'd always
be by my side

oh how ironic
the boy with broken eyes
saw the world better than all of us
perhaps he saw it as it was
beneath all the facades
but how do we know what is real
how do we know anything
we dont
we believe we understand
we enjoy feeling some control
but the honesty in this falsehood is that nothing is real
he is real
his view is said to be twisted
from the cracks ripped and teared in his skin
the fractures in his soul
the story goes he sees through the breaks in his mind
he peers out of the gaps in his world
hidden in the crevices of his own head
his heart
a mere twelve inches from his thoughts
beats so loudly
he fears they will hear it, the demons
and as they press their ears to the door
and the ghost turn the ****
he jumps out the window to escape them
falling down to his life
not his death
death is an end
this is a beginning

you dressed like the rain
it made me cry
solid tears
like timber ash
like hurricanes
shores of lake michigan
memories in photographs
still lifes
self portraits of doubt
i hate how beautiful you can turn
an ugly thing
make pain into art
turn me into a painting
i feel colorless
you make me bold
oil pastels on a blank canvass
oh how we all long for the talent
to turn shame into a sunrise

and the more she looked
the closer she        stood
to the                                  edge
of that                                    cliff
where she'd stay
the army of those who won't look dead in the eye
marched onwards as her confidence continued to decay
like crumbling walls and bro
-ken fences
her mind
those thousands of uneasy neurons
remained present till the last warm soft
                                                     drop
spilled out onto the rocky ground
and every glance in the mirror
took from her a lifetime

It's silence, he whispered
between his pounding mind and his aching heart
the world had become so loud
the screaming in his head
the silence is a welcome sound

it's light, she spoke
the darkness before her eyes
unbearably bleak
it's light, she spoke

stillness, you felt
the world spinning, every quake and quell
spiraling you grasped for any chance
still, downward you fell
till it was not death you feared
but life
stillness, you felt

the distance seperating dreams and death
the continuum between the past and the future
broken apart, shattered into pieces
and now there is nothing left to be found

the two, they lie, together
in that vast nothing
feeling something
for the first time
something
inside those shadows
a new thing coming
your eyes have closed
but your life has opened

i feel as though i am walking through oblivion
and i cannot decide what's worse
the feeling of the earth beneath my feet
my heart floating somewhere in space
or the knowing
that to feel myself whole again
i'll have to shoot it down

a chest that's empty
yet filled with lead

a mind torn so clearly
between the living and dead

the hair on my arms
standing straight in defense

of the words i was not able
to protect against

i spent years pretending
to feel nothing at all

until your eyes met mine
and i began to fall

but here i am pretending
to feel nothing at all

as once again i am reminded
that what comes must also go

breathe
gasp
choke
intake
exhale
inhale
let go
hold on
help
just go
we are all fine
do you feel the earth or know its there
do you see your soul
or feel it there
do you forget
do you notice
do you ignore

breathe
i cant
breathe
i know
breathe
the walls are closing in
breathe
i am trapped
breathe
in a cage i built myself
breathe
air cannot break these chains
breathe
there is not enough oxygen in all the atmosphere to fill my hollow lungs
breathe
i cant, i am screaming far too loud
you are silent*
not if you listen
breathe
i cannot see myself anymore
breathe
thats not such a bad thing afterall
*breathe

my chest hurts just thinking about you
my feelings clawing out of my chest
like an animal caught in a cage
i feel bound by the idea of you
glued to the image of us two
my body can’t forget your touch
my skin relives each moment
every neuron sending dopamine straight through my tired brain
serotonin seeping through the cracks in my depression
oxytocin making me high just for a moment
before the anxiety kicks back in
cortisol replacing common sense

the smell of your cologne
something old and outdated
yet so perfect with your chemistry

i miss it
our chemistry
the aching pull towards your body
even when all we did was scream and cry
i needed to feel you against me
i need to feel you against me
one more time

i need to know if it was real
i need to know if we could heal
could this slipshod marriage of hope be renewed

i said i wanted nothing serious
you said the same thing too
we were fools
but love’s a fools game
and baby we were the best at it
until we started breaking the rules

the thing about hindsight is
it’s not 20/20
it’s more like 50/50
half reality half make believe
i see rose colored street signs
rose colored tears
everything stained with pink
from our single shared year

everything that’s rosey
turns black and blue
but god how i’d be so willing
to be covered black and blue
if i was doing it with you
how i’d pay to cut myself open
just to let you back in
the deepest of heartache
was from our own sin

maybe it was both of us
who sunk this old ship
but i am the one
who is still waiting adrift

yes i’d go black and blue every day
if i knew at the end of the night
id be coming back home to you

i don't know what's worse
seeing you and feeling the air being ripped out of my chest
sensibility blowing away like petals in the wind
or seeing your face and feeling nothing
absolutely nothing at all

i can feel your heart beat
the proof of your existence
lying against me
your breath
still lingers in the air
the December chill
makes me shiver
but its worth the cold
to remind of your warmth

remember the time
we, together, cried
it was winter
as i recall
i remember the chill
still feel the cold
it remains
along with the frigid tears
frozen in time
our hands
numb
if only the pain could mimic
the snow came down
like the falling sound
of our footsteps
on the icy ground
running
together
we shared one pair of gloves
we shared
a pair of souls

dear mind,
you are attempting indifference,
i try to be too
i am independent
however
without a prop i would surely fall
perhaps this is my lack of confidence
though none of us seem to have any
so that couldn't be it
maybe its my humanity speaking
please excuse my indecency.
i do not mean to be honest but this game of make-believe should have ended long ago
you make me cringe
though, you are my confidant.
we need to help the others
i know you see it too
please stop pressing so hard its turning me blue
and these mind puzzles you play with me are missing some pieces
there are so many screaming souls to save
you and i are lucky
smile more
even though i hate this mouth.
tomorrow we'll wake together
early
we'll try to work our way up the cliff
and throw ropes for the stragglers.
ill leave you now
i know you have tears to dry and words to cross out
write back soon, you are so often gone.
- heart

let the latch fall off
let the bird go free
cant you hear it
calling
calling
let me be
let the wind flow through the trees
which finally can breathe
and if you climb them
one can see
the mountains and the sea
let the wolf stay wild
like a newborn child
the earth will grow
if we
will only set it free

if i take that breathless step towards oblivion would hope follow me or would this emptiness swallow me whole?

some of us are not afraid of dying
some of us are afraid of living

like cracks in the sidewalk you lay down and remain.
friends and lovers move over you with their steel souls and boots.
weeds are spoken of, hiding in your crevices.
to be torn apart and rebuilt.
they see you as an obstacle.
i see you as a treasure.
no
i see you
as you do not want to be seen
i see you
as you

those dark chocolate eyes
those cream colored thighs
lips like caramel
dripping like spilt wine
pouring out sweet candy
tongues playing twister
legs longer than a mile
the way you only half smile
your curves feel like home
the way my hands
know the layout of your land
every inch
memorized
mesmerized
the way your hair
picks up the golden
steals the shine right from the sun
pouring through the glass
wishing this moment would never come to pass
i want to make you mine

too much sweetness
giving me a cavity

but that brown sugar skin
the way those arms take me in
moans like no other
words under breath
whispered
not expressed

my god baby
you were the best

i sit here
i am sad
i listen
i am alone
i am blind
i am deaf
i watch you
i miss you
you do not exist
what am i missing
help me
i am alone
i am tired
i feel them
all of them
drowning
i have to help
but i cant even help myself

i was made for the rain
i was created with the intention to sing in thunderstorms
to smile drenched in heavens tears
to stand with hair dripping
sopping wet
soaking the plush carpeted floor of your ninth floor apartment
which was new to you
as was my sudden lack of sarcasm
and my quick breaths
shaky hands
quivering lips
worn out eyes
my tears that did all but dry
you wept
at the sight of me
i was always an ugly crier
you hugged me
a small gasp escaped my mouth
you whispered comfort into my ears
the pain of all the yesterdays left me
if only for a moment

you don't let hope in
you don't let your dreams out
like wishes in a well
your thoughts collect
useless

does it reach down past your toes
does it mount you to the ground like a thousand bolts into stone
does it move straight through your body
does it leak out through your clothes
can you feel it in the air
like smoke blown through windows
can you taste it in the music
tastes so sweet as it flows
do you smell it in the shower
hot sweat and clean clothes

how deep is your love

does it reach across mountains
does it bridge across the ocean
span highways here and far
can it cut through you like glass
sharpened from years of desperation
can it fill every bottomless flask
till your cup runneth over
does it hum like the sound
of ten heartbeats surround

how deep is your love

does it cut like a knife
or tear like a dog at a bone
does it rip you to pieces
can it sever you whole
would you leave it for nothing
does it swallow you whole

will it lead you to nowhere
yet you'd still gladly go

how deep is your love

will i ever know

for it is with you that i cease to exist
i forget about my tightly clenched fists
curled into your side
my dreaming resides
my darkness shall come to pass
with you i pretend
today is the end
and tomorrow is but an illusion

i dont know what this is
i dont know what i am
trouble
trouble
how can i miss someone i have never had
how can a piece of me be lost that was never found
how can i be this sad and this happy
this nothingness is louder than any silence

is this what it's like?
how they said it would be
the books said it would happen over and over
the papers say it doesn't exist
it looked like it made people hurt
forty of a hundred change their minds
my father said to wait
my mother said to pray
is this what it's like?
my sister said it makes you cry
the voices said it always goes away
i let myself try
is this what it's like
to love
the way it never dies
is this how it hurts?
is the hole in my chest the good kind of empty?
if his voice fills it
over again
will he run out of breath
if his hands heal me
will he be tired of my touch
is this how it is?
to love and not ask to be loved
to love and know you are loved
to find the mess that makes your own beautiful
to take broken bones and build a new self
to bring God back
to bring it all back
is this what it's like?
to love?

hand that holds
tight as the bolts on the bench by the sea
cold waves salt air blizzards and rain
still it sits
pine and steel
bolts fast and strong
so small you almost miss them
they hold me upright
keep me above ground
safe from the cold sand
that invades every inch
shoulder blades that shift and spread like the eagle
seeing through deep dark oceans
the light from above peeking through the waves
waves crash over as they blink
hard to breath
through that frigid air
but oh
when that sweet air comes
how it gives me life
oxygen and serotonin
straight through my veins
arms stretched around
lock me into my sanity
quiet sound
your words as they whisper
the wind takes them through my mind
carries my heart away too
your skin brings it back
quickly
softly
as you are
lips like the flowers
too delicate to touch
to beautiful to ignore
i watch you weather the storms
watch you come back each year
after winter and fall
through each fracture no matter how small
you arrive
you return
you grow and you yearn
for the sun and the rain
for the new from the old

you made me
forget
forget
for
all the demons that chased me
you made me whole,
without trying to replace me.
you filled in the gaps without reaching too far.
and cut my soul open.
without leaving a scar.

and perhaps this is only your haphazard heart
your indignant soul
your hollow eyes grasping for something
anything
besides those pills
by your bedside
please remember
don't you forget
these days we have spent
the ones we will never regret
the laughter and the love
warm like the sun on our backs
please
dont forget
dont let those shadows
the ones i knew but never quite knew
because you saw them
alone
you heard them
alone
they are inside you
alone
the hollow echoes of your heart reverberate within my mind
i need you to stay
you may not know anyone could ever even want you
but i need you
please remember

and i love (d) you
not the way i want(ed) to
not the way i thought i would
but i do(did)
and jesus **** how it hurt(s)

let me dream of your heart beat
let me listen to its unreal pounding against your ribs
let me hear your voice
let me feel your words
as they flutter throughout my mind like butterflies lost in a dark forest
allow me to breathe your name into the blank nothingness of the continuum between hopelessness and faith

looking at those photographs
scrappy edges
wiry film
blurry but not hazy
hazy but not blurry
silent but speaking
in some tongue foreign to me
yet strangely familiar
like an old postcard
ink worn but scented with memories
pictures of people
pictures of things
broken-down cars
old lonesome barns
store fronts
alleyways
colors and tones
washes and finishes
edited
untouched

i saw you in them
or maybe i saw myself
perhaps it was both of us

im outside my body
i saw myself in you
i dont know where you are
i hope you are in happiness
wherever that is
wherever you may be
i dont know where i went

maybe i can find it
that drop of innocence left behind
long ago forgotten
the perpetual search for childhood
the ache for simplicity
longing for something solid
to stop us all from being swept away in the madness
in a world with so much chaos
so violent with envy and lust

those pictures made me sad
and i felt an emptiness i have not felt so incessantly
as if the whole sea had been poured out
over the desert
running out of dry land
no where new to go
no more room left to grow

looking at these frozen moments
these snapshots of stillness in in a world that is spinning
you manage to find the perfect silence
in all of this deafening violence
a momentary pause from perpetual motion
laughter and sunshine
held in place as if god closed her eyes so that for just one moment, the world could hold its breath
and you could bottle it all up
shadows and highlights climbing out of frame
colors flowing
to greet me in my monochrome

they make me ache to feel those memories
to breathe fresh air
to see and not be seen
to be a spectator
of life's hidden moments
to feel something

and for a moment they make me wish
i too could capture the warmth of a spring evening
in a single frame
to find beauty in a street sign
but ill leave that to you

and god,
most of all i pray
for them,
please stay away
from my heart
I'm through with this
this aching *****
filling with blood
then spilling it  out
so it can poison the rest of my thoughtless body
this red ink
staining the sink
please
just let me be me again
filter out the remnants of you
from this tireless mind
and ceaseless soul

you gave my name meaning
now i must work everyday
just to be who i am

she spent so much time looking in the mirror
that she forgot what she looked like

like walking on eggshells
worse
walking on shards of glass
broken window pane
i leaned too far out this time

afraid of every moment
terrified
that every breath
will be the one to break me open

scared
of spilling over and out
like blood on a new carpet
there's no cleaning this mess

i convince myself it's just my dreaming
but even in sleep i am awake
there is no pretending
there are some roads we simply must take

i may not like this one
i may hate this path with every ounce of meaning
every once of life i have left
but i guess that's why life is funny
it's not always about the journey
nor the destination
its not about choosing a path
not about the road less taken
it's about continuing down that road
taking each step in this dark alley
not because i want to
not because i have to
but because that's life
to keep going
to keep going
until you are you again
until i am me again
i'll keep going
i know soon
i'll find that path
that feels a little more like home

we
what a lovely simple word
what a beautiful surrender
to let that wonder become
what was once you and me

we

what understated beauty
to be found in a single syllable
what a precious sound

singularity shifting

how lucky some people must be

to have a we