A soft touch, tickle

Itching the back of my throat

Clicking my tongue

And love continues

To try to crawl outside my throat

Pry my lips open

With each jagged vowel

Spill out upon the sidewalk

Leaving me panicking

Watching your face, waiting

For you to hand me

A soliloquy of rejection

Listing the faults with bad timing

And humility takes my hand

Walking me home

Ricochets off night
lost in neon lights and bodies
legend come morning

I still felt their hands
Upon my skin
Their names tattooed
Upon my tongue
And my love life
Flash art
Plastered in peripheral gaze
Each man
Holding a tattoo gun, waiting
To tease at my skin
I heard it in the morning
Instead of the birds
My body, a canvas
Possessed by each man
That whispered I love you
In my ear in error

How do you
Intervene with
A heart
So bound and determined
On self destruction
That rationality
Leaves it with each beat
My heart
Has always been my downfall
Racing into each burning building
Because there was the possibility
Of love on the top floor
How many time do I need
To try to save someone else
Before my heart understands
It needs to save me first

Purple, slowly dripping
down her back
gently stroked, a tattoo
Irises were her favorite
so she built a garden
upon her back
Irises bloomed, spreading
from one shoulder to the other

I should have chosen Bermuda
Triangle over making that call
But never could turn away a friend
No matter the trap
Each button of the phone snaring me
Pulling me further into this three-way
Conversation, and I, the unlucky participant
In a love triangle I became enlisted in
When my best friend’s boyfriend
Decided the center more
On his crush for me than his love in her
So the random act of all of us going to a movie
Became a ruse, and I should have never
He should have never
Picked up the phone, once he said yes
I was done for, exiled
Drifting alone on campus
Guilty of his infatuation
I should have chosen Bermuda

A beautiful keepsake

Are the words

I miss you




Hold them

Close

Softly dance

Along fingertips




I can see you

In the outline

Of each word




Lingers

For a second

You name

Upon my tongue




I miss you

Is a sweet moment




Tucked under my pillow

Blanketing my dreams

Your smile

Is always close to me




Fold your memory

Carefully

Hold it in my back pocket

Reading it over and over

In every spare second




A beautiful keepsake

Are the words

I miss you

My joints dance under my skin
Grating against each other
Until I am aching
The pain howls and clings to my legs
I can feel it swinging and diving along my nerves
Limping, I keep walking forward
And watch as my destination
Becomes farther and farther away
These years hang on me
And I carry the baggage upon my back
Soon, I know I will have to let go
Let every issue fall to the floor
Or they will dig me a grave
And I will slowly drown in the pain

I take the long route home
Twisting and winding
Around the bends
Searching for rainbows
In clear blue skies
I still find you
In the clouds
A safe place for me
And daydreams
As I retell our story
Before I get home

One foot in front of the other
We walk
March through town
Wearing our statements
Pride and strength
I walk
Step by step
Expressing support
For equality
One foot in front of the other
I march
To remember him
His smile and his friendship
Every face I pass
Replace with a memory
Of his gracious heart
And our witty conversations
I walk
In a group
Expressing pride and strength
Rallying in cheers and waves
To feel unity
To feel a part of something
I march
His ghost leads me
I keep watching for him
In a crowd of faces
Knowing with every step
I am closer to his memory

May 2013
Memorial day weekend
It was warm with promises of sun
Beautiful blue skies
And no cloud in sight
Seattle prepared for crowds
People swarming the Center
For folk music, food
Laughter and smiles shining bright

My leg, a bright red
I woke up
Burning hot with red seeping up my leg
Pain swarmed my back
Tears gathering
In corners of my eyes
As I was admitted
To the emergency room
Greeted with morphine, leaving me in a haze

*** induced haze
Lingering around the fountain
Families occupied the edge
Children running in and out
Collecting droplets of water
Along with sunburns
While groups of friends
Gathering in drum circles
Slow rhythmic thumping could be heard for miles

My son’s heartbeat
Thumped in my ears
I watched the fear
As he focused on the antibiotic drips
Invading my body
The days in clipped moments
Passing in and out
With each wave of fever
And the doctors
Tattooed my leg with sharpie

Artwork was only one thing
Found in the vendor alley
People flooded the booths
Snatching up
Brightly colored creations
As they headed to find
Dance troupes, bollywood
Inspired activities
With stomping feet, swaying arms

They placed the central line
Into my right arm
My body had clogged each IV
the doctors warned me
If the redness started
To show patterns of serrating
Then they would have to take my leg
Diazepam had me slurring out
I am fine, I am fine

Memorial Day
A time of remembrance
Services to be held
Events to commemorate
All the fallen
From a concert at Museum of Flight
To baseball game with Seattle Mariners
To appreciate, appreciate

It took ten days
For me to be released
May 2013, Memorial Day weekend
I would always remember
As the beginning
Of my growing struggle
With gradual loss of mobility

I am fine, I am fine

Bucket list dog-eared
Worn on the edges
And my youth
A scribble
Dancing and twirling around
Wild loops bounding
Off the page
And I sat there
Reading each demand
I had laid out for my future
And now were only questions
Open ended and I had no answers
And this ignorance
Perplexed me
For I once could react
And now I knew I never had the answers
So with a new sheet of paper
I scribbled out my truth
And tried to find my journey
Between the lines

Morning finds me
In your smile
Pulling you close
I want to start the day
With the whisper
Of your name
And welcome the night
In your eyes
Curling up next to you
Falling asleep
With your name
Lingering upon my lips

The open door
Allowed the light in
To split apart the darkness
Drawing a path
Across your chest
You started to shift, rumble
Off the bed, and I captured you
By the hand, whispering stay
And the light was jealous
Of your glow-
The natural radiance of your smile
The stunning luminosity of your eyes
Your laughter cascaded
Over the outline of our bodies
I watched as the light
Danced, flickering over our hands
And this is the fluidity
Of love

Minutes, short puffs

hours fade away

and in the mist

I spell your name

you are fleeting

a ghost waltzing

through my hours

I grab at seconds

small beads slipping

between my fingers

I become my own hourglass

holding on to your shadow

and gliding back and forth

within nostalgia

I want to slip
Into Oasis
Become pixelated
Back in the 80s
Watch as all my fandoms
Come to life
I can have coffee
With Molly Ringwald
At The Peach Pit
Before hitting the beaches
Of Costa del Sol
Later check into the Overlook Hotel
To slow dance with Casper
As listen to theme music
Of Castlevania
To pedal a bmx bike
And touch the stars
To hang in detention
With the brat pack
To have my entire life soundtrack
Badly synthesized 80s tunes
I guess I am saying
I want my 2020
A little more Oasis
And a lot less
Black Mirror

I remember the water
How it felt
Upon my skin
And I am thirsty
To drink in each drop
These parched lips
Miss the rivers
Where I could swim
Freedom, ebbing and flowing
At one time, I was a part of the sea
And I covered everything
But these days, my skin cracking
Heart slowly thudding
To stop, my fingertips dust
And I am a whisper
Of the girl I once was

determination
warms skin and my hands create
awakening me

Bones ache exhaustion

Things pile up and I crack

Splinter knowing

There is no one there to catch me

I feel myself slipping

Piece by piece

And I would scream

I am drowning

If I thought someone was listening

It was the midnight hour

She was running the register

Great smile with a pixie haircut

That is when I noticed

Her history exposed

In tiny cuts

From wrist to elbow

Scars bubbled over her smooth skin

I tried not to look

To read

Her history

In her silence

I knew she had caught me

Peeking

hop, hop
two pigeons
exited the terminal
hopping up the stairs
step by step
we watch
from the escalators
as they make their way
to the downtown
without ruffling a feather

I love the smell
Of the rain
Lingering upon my skin
The slight chill
Working its way up my back
As I inhale the cold air
Sharp and crisp
Flooding me
With tomorrow
As I exhale
Yesterday
In short puffs of steam
And I feel
Reborn
As every drop collects
In the plane of my body

The rumbling in the chest
Grows slowly
Growling louder than the storm
Swirling outside the door
A procellous heart
It thunders, lightning flashes
Behind my eyes
The half finished conversations
Spills into an ocean of unanswered questions
And I am drowning
In the tempest of a broken heart

Vowels and consonants

Pool together into words

As my emotions rain down

The grim and grit

Of every memory clings

To each sentence

Until I step in

Then they collect on me

Dampening fingertips

And soaking my tongue

I jump in

Splashing out thoughts

Until I am coated in my imagination

I stomp through

The puddles of letters

Saturating me with words

And sentences are dripping

From my chin

caught upon my lips
sweet tasting this love burns slow
on tip of my tongue

I will not repent
My daily sins
To an antiquated verse
Or bind myself
To a definition
I do not acknowledge
To be a sinner, as you say
To be the villain
Before I have my own story
To wear guilt and shame
As constant wardrobe
I don’t buy it
Give me my flaws,faults
And misdeeds
Tattoo them to my skin
I will build an epic origin tale
Layers upon my body
Until my soul bleeds
And the words from my mouth
Will be sonnets for misfits
Gathering into bonfires
My smirk, dancing sparks
And trouble, a forte
To be sinner, as you say
And plaster your prayers
As hollow blessings
To cure me
To iron out my wrinkles
Tuck me safely into a social norm
I don't buy it
Fray the edges
Pull myself off the frame
Not all butterflies will be pinned
Pluck the pins of expectations
Use those antiquated words
To set fire
To every criticism you used
To create this prison
Repent, you say
For being myself
And I will tell you
no

In the evening
Turn off the lights
Slip on my headphones
And I disappear
Into thunderous beats
My feet learn to fly
As I dance around
In the living room

I only dance in the dark
Even on a full dance floor
I find a corner
Tucking myself in shadows
Allowing the beats to spin
Around, around my waist

So at night
I dance
Stomping out my emotions
Tears and rage
Cascading out with each step
Leave my bones aching

And I fall forward
Allowing my tears to escape
In beads of sweat
I only dance in the dark
Letting my emotions ache in bones
And upon bruised palms

Wrap myself up in Saturday
Tighten the day around me
Relaxation should be fashion
With a stage of people lounging
Letting the week fall away
Wouldn’t that be luxury
A runway show
Of casual mornings, easygoing evenings
Affordability in the convenience
Drink down fancy coffee and hot chocolate
As Saturday becomes a world renowned designer
Of my relaxation

I once found seaweed
In my hair
And I search for days
For the ocean
As if I will open the door
There will be miles of water
Ricocheting against the door jamb
Every wave whispering hello
But, there was nothing
Only an empty hallway
I rest my hand upon my chest
To find vibration
And when I cover my ears
Close my eyes
I see the ocean in me

I used to talk to fill up the space

Words tripping, fluttering from my mouth

And I became my own white noise

Felt you always lurking in the hallway

Peeking through the doorway until I slammed

The door, loud crash that would reverberate

Slamming into the walls, I hadn’t always

Been so welcoming to you and you had been patient

While I clumsily stumbled and I pushed you away

Afraid of your embrace, my nerves ****** and jumped

Moth wings my lips, and the words tripping, fluttering

From my lips, and you had always been a light

Flickering, hand out-stretched, your smile invited

I don’t know why I had been afraid

Memories
Shimmering and twinkling
Stars, constellations
I stretch along the night sky
So i can remember
Everything about you
It has been seven years
And I still miss
Your smile

Spin the wheel
Steer toward the horizon
My body, a ship
Sailing for the sunset
The sky finds home in my eyes
And salt teases my tongue
The world is my sea
And I am a land locked creature
That wishes to drown her skin
Within the sea of exploration

I live in a shoe
And before you ask me any questions
Or if this a metaphor
Or try to sell me a spot in the latest **** development
Let me assure you, I most definitely live in a shoe
It is the left shoe to be exact
Worn down and some spots extra layers of duct tape
To keep out the winter cold
And when it gets icy, I have to be careful
For if I jostle it just right, the shoe can slide a couple feet
You may ask me why, when, what and how
And this is what I will say
I used to work at a school, a crossing guard in the morning
Lunch lady in the afternoon, and chaperone seeing the children off in the afternoon
And with budget cuts, my job was the first to hit the floor
And so was my pension
My retirement was limited and with no health care
It was impossible to see a doctor for my growing aches and pain
And I was left with nothing, until I came across this shoe
Abandoned and tattered, I took to fancying it up
Scrubbing it out, making it into a home
It took me a winter or two to get the insulation right
And the city has all but forgotten this area
So for now, I am safe
Before the corporate giants clamor over the countryside
Pulling up homes like weeds so they can plant their boxed in communities
I am okay in my little spot
Not long the runaways found me
In school the children always ran to me for safety, and now
Their children have found me, these lost children
We are a little family of misfits, foraging off the land
Keeping each other safe
In a world that doesn’t even care if we are alive

Sputtering out words
I felt the emotion
Collect upon my face
In tiny droplets
Passion and hatred
Streak the same
As they run
Down your face

Tears are a signature
Our mouths
Can’t quite sign
For goodbye lingers
In the corner of our eyes
Stumbling down our cheeks
Hands shake for words
To create in an embrace
That will swallow us whole
And for a moment
Feel full, overflowing
Healing
For seconds are fleeting
When goodbye has a home
Upon your tongue

I will sip

This life slowly

Remember you

By Friday

With each carbonated hiccup

Your face reminds me

Of brightly colored wrapping paper

Always loud with a mouth ready to be opened

So I will collect this life

Into a chipped tea cup

Slightly jagged edge that nips my lips

With every sip

Like our conversations

Gathering up tidbits

Of current events, laughter, and insults

Pour them across the table

Come Friday

So I will sip

This life slowly

Let me sketch you

With words

I will frame

Your body

With descriptions

Of the way

I view you

Ignore all the definitions

The world

Placed on your shoulders

Recreate a language

Using your name

As the beginning

So you can relish

The sound of every letter

Learn to adore

The sound of every vowel

Then maybe your reflection

Will become more within your eyes

Quite simply
I don’t care
lingering here
I stay, not listening
watching the world fall
I wear apathy nicely
it hangs right upon shoulders
and let the day build up
piling up around me
enjoy a cigarette
as I watch everything decay

Breath frozen in small puffs

Huddled close

Catching the first snow

Stand in the middle of the parking lot

As if this is something new

You are sleeping alone tonight

I know you will be hurt

Or just lonely

For we seem to fill each other’s time

An outline will be next to you

Maybe you will miss me for once

Looking up into the night sky

Watching snowflakes

Dance, dance

So graceful

Gradually coating my arms and head

Smiling I stand there

Each snowflake a new beginning

Erasing the patterns

I have been caught in for so long

It is time to say goodbye

To this safe lullaby

Sparks, electricity
And we light up the city
Dancing along the streets
Passion is a conversation
We continue to have
With coffee afterthoughts
Our words collect like steam
Upon our eyes
And I can’t help myself
From nibbling on your name

Don’t ask me to thank you
For splintering me apart
Until I am only slivers
To pick your teeth with
Jagged are these words
And I am the one torn
Tape only lasts so long
Then you are falling apart again
So keep your promises
Your actions tell me otherwise

The night sky

Will be my outline

My dreams will shine

Glisten

Twinkle

Will my words

String them together

Each idea

A constellation

Reach out

Reach out

Allow your fingertips

To tangle

With my sentences

My heart is full

Like the moon

Shine so bright

That some nights

The darkness is consumed

By my light

I allow myself to fall back

Fall

Fall back to the horizon

So I become a paragraph of stars

And your eyes are my audience

I will stop
saying your name
as if it is a goodbye
as long as you don’t stop
chasing after my fingers
when I am about to leave

Sitting next to me, a ghost
Playing with your phone
I watch as you are scrolling
Through Tinder once again

And I know, I should let you go
In that moment, alone my heart
Whispers how lonely I feel
That I grasp my hands together

To feel some support
I scroll through all your fake promises
Flipping through my brain
Every memory of I love you

You were whispering
In someone else’s DMs
While telling me everything
I wanted to hear

To keep me sitting here, alone
A partner to your ghost
As it stitches your name
Deeper into my heart

Plunging the needle deeper and deeper
Until it grinds against bone
To remind me of this cage I built myself
In this one-way love affair

Every compliment followed with a goodbye
And you take me for granted
Whenever you meet up with her
Making my heart the fool once again

To keep me wanting you here, alone
A hostage to your ghost
As it rips apart my seams
Until my heart screams out your name

I wonder if I spoke a ghost
You would hear me
Over the clattering of keys
And grumbling of your greed

I take for granted your warmth
Tucked into fake promises
You dress everything up
In a few pleasing words

To keep my heart vying, alone
A fool to your ghost
Leaving me to piece myself back together
Slowly sewing each scar with care

I can’t help but wish
I had tattooed your name upon my feet
Then maybe
I could walk away

the sunlight
finds my
face

and I no
longer
can sleep

how rude
is the
sun

to force
me
to wake

a rowdy
child
tugging at me

so I can
come and play
with them

and routine changed,
frivolity found a way to play
time collapses as you set aside order
grabbing chaos and you find
fun takes over, and you slip into change

Swallow all of me
In one gulp
Until only bones
Floating on our conversations
I drown
In your hello
And I become bare
A skeletal smile
With your name
Sticking in my teeth

absent
in a soft glow
I find myself asleep
lightly gripping
a shadow
laying down, I see
the perfect outline
before dawn
it seems to glow
and I find you
before you disappear
into the daylight

Your smile reminds me
Of mornings with blue skies
And I grip my cup tighter
Pulling it close, as if the steam
Dancing from the edges
Had your form
And I wanted to gather you closer
When mornings are overcast
With storms teasing the clouds
I could almost ignore the rumble
As the sky thunders
And you tell me, I remind you
Of your favorite color
Blue

Tomorrow lingers on my fingertips

Smudged black ink as I flip through the memories

Hovering over faces and names

That have become foreign to my tongue

I can remember the laughter

Tucked in each crease

Until I am falling within each broken loop and letter

How easy it is to forget

And how much easier it is to remember

Tripping over my shadow

I watch the sun slowly set

Holding the last ray of light close to me

As if I can capture hope