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2.9k · Mar 2019
Perfection Is Disgusting
Casey Mar 2019
I hate the word "perfect".


Nobody can be perfect.
It's literally impossible.

They say, "Don't change, you're perfect as you are."
Humans can't be perfect.
It's not in our nature.

Our media portrays perfection as people's personalities painted in pretty pastel.
Don't be fooled.
Perfection is disgusting.

Perfection
is tearing your hair out over a simple dashed line
in front of the "A" on the report card.

Perfection
is raking chewed cuticles across your cheeks
for missing the kick in Phy. Ed class.

Perfection
is spilling your guts out after every meal and screaming into the mirror,
"Am I perfect yet?! Am I good enough for you?!"

Perfection
is ripping apart the artwork you poured your heart into
because someone pointed out a flaw, and now you can't unsee it.

Perfection
is gorging on painkillers
as if they would take away the emotional pain, too.

Don't you dare tell me that I'm perfect
because perfection is disgusting.


I hate the word "perfect".
I'm tired of people saying that perfection is something to glorify and strive for. Some people are literally broken apart by the expectations of perfection.
2.7k · Nov 2018
Empathy and I
Casey Nov 2018
In the midst of the melancholic dusk,
soliloquies of the forgotten are hushed.

Those who listened snickered
at the surreal hopes of those
who search for their flicker.

For you see,
in a year not so long ago,
the Empathy did leave.

Ever since the start,
Empathy lived in the world’s heart.

He came to visit us every day.
His grin is warm and bright like sunbeams,
and he hides behind what the people say.

Empathy was the hero of the lost
His touch mended the broken spirits, although,
none of us knew it had such a hefty cost.

Is there a more affable friend that could possibly be,
than that of Empathy?

Empathy was a close friend of mine.
When I sang his somber song, he appeared.
The bourgeoisie had never seen anyone so divine.

There was something furtive in his eyes
as if he knew, somehow,
that he would have to bid me goodbye.

I asked him, “Empathy, what’s going on?”
He replied, “The light is fading. They have killed the dawn.”

And so I saw his words ring true.
The sun rose not,
The sky faded gray from blue.

The people of the world began to hate.
Abandoning Empathy, they set the universe ablaze.
Fire choked the sky, for us it was too late.

“Save yourself and run away!” I cried.
But Empathy, he shook his head, smiled, and died.
This poem is for an assignment for LA. We were given a list of words to choose 8 from, then we had to incorporate the words in a poem. Hence why there's a random bourgeoisie in there.
1.7k · Jan 2019
I Swallowed Up the Void
Casey Jan 2019
One day,
I swallowed up the void.

Not too much at first, I didn't want to be greedy.
But enough that it grew into my hair,
turning it black.

I swallowed up the void again.
It settled heavy in my gut.

It was sweet at first, then gave way to an unsettling metallic aftertaste.
Still, it was addicting, intoxicating.
I needed more.

I swallowed up the void again,
hungry for empty.

The void is not black,
like so many others say.
No, the void is, in fact, a kaleidoscope of brilliant color

I swallowed up the void again.
There seemed to be an endless amount.

My eyes showed me what I had previously been blind to.
I could see the void others swallowed up.
His denim jacket wasn't for fashion some days.

I swallowed up the void again.
This time, it caught in my throat.

I gagged and my body convulsed,
an unsuccessful attempt to rid of the poison.
The void coated my lungs, stealing my breath, my life.

I thought I swallowed up the void,
but the void had swallowed up me.
1/24/19 - 8:52 p.m.
I got hit by inspiration and came up with this.
1.5k · Oct 2019
UwU
Casey Oct 2019
UwU
It's not your fault.
Whatever you're thinking about blaming yourself for, It's not your fault.
I know it may sound dumb and obvious, yes, but I want you to know
it's true.

These words are now yours,
this poem is for you.

And if you must draw things against your skin,
make it a pen and not a blade.
Create something so beautiful that it would make you sob to destroy that.
Because that's <i>you</i> and you're beautiful.

Everyone glorifies being stoic and strong,
I want you to know that you don't have to be strong to make them happy.
It's okay to simply just
be.

These are my favorite words that I've ever been told,
so now I'll tell them to you:
I love you. You will survive yourself.

No one can tell you who you are,
because only you know.
And that's a beautiful thing.


Stay proud, my friend.
Be you.
For my UwU boi
~ Caz


Sidenote: holy fricken-snackin, it's literally taken me a week to upload this because my internet *****, i'm so sorry.
1.1k · May 2019
If I Could Be He
Casey May 2019
If I could be He,
I'd grin ear to ear.
I'd laugh with a new voice,
and sing with boisterous cheer.

If I could be He,
I'd dance the night away.
I'd twirl around a girl,
and ask her if she'd stay.

If I could be He,
I'd no longer have to bind.
I'd lay shirtless on the beach,
and leave bottled messages to find.

If I could be He,
which I might never be,
I'd be eternally happy.
And I'd finally be me.
This is a more simplistic way of writing that I don't really do that much but it's fun. I'm afraid that I'll be stuck as "she" my whole life and honestly, that's a terrifying thought. But I know that one day I'll finally be myself. One day. I'm holding out for that.
1.1k · Mar 2019
October 18th, 2018
Casey Mar 2019
I had those random thoughts again.
Such as; how people pick you last for the first game of the semester played in a gym class, even though they don't know how good or bad you are.

It's off of appearance alone, which is *******.
"Oh they look thin, they're probably not good at (sport)."
What the **** does that have to do with anything?

When we played soccer, I showed up everyone else,
even though I was picked last.
They had the nerve to say to me, "Wow, good job!"
As if the notion that I was good at a sport was some sort of miracle.

Whatever.
Not like I played soccer for eleven ******* years.
Not like they knew that since sixth grade.

The way they say, "Wow, good job!", makes me sick.
They say it to me as if I'm unable to be good, just because they perceive me to be horrible at sports.
They sound so surprised.

Another thing's been stuck in my head ever since I've read Paper Towns.
John Green mentions people seeing mirrors of others as who they believe the person to be.
I find this true.
People love to think that they know someone very well, when they only know the version that they've created.
Green says we need to see through the window to see who the person actually is.

Which seems ******* impossible.
But it's not.
Just talk to them instead of assuming.

They've already built a mirror of who I am.
Of course, it's completely wrong.

I'm not some boring skinny twig that can't talk right.
I'm not smart, and I'm not rude.
I have emotions, and I really care about others, much more than myself, even.

That's not who I am to anyone else, though.
I have these journal entries on my phone that I'm posting here.
1.1k · May 2019
Sing a Little Song
Casey May 2019
Sing a little song of rain,
to wash away the heartache.
To scrub clean your skin, clench your teeth and take the pain.
"Flush out your mind, it's all fake."

Sing a little song of sun,
to crush your chest into your ribs.
To change your name, lower your head and know that respect can't be won.
"No one will believe you, you're telling fibs."

Sing a little song of wind,
to ride the kites into the sky.
To hang on tight, 'cause this tempest tears silks and requires fears to be tinned.
"Everyone watching from below had waved their goodbye."

I can no longer sing the little songs from my jaws,
my throat is swollen and raw.
The rain has flooded my thoughts,
The sun is what I have become,
From the wind, to a better place I'll be brought.
Hang in there guys :)
928 · Jun 2023
Free
Casey Jun 2023
"A man so flat and boobless you could skip him across a lake like a prized stone"

I showed my surgeon the text post, and she said
"We'll get you there!"

**** right, she did.
Staring into the mirror, I see all of me.

Mortal boundaries declaring who I've always known myself to be

Thank you for all of your support throughout the years, dear readers <3

Finally, finally, finally
I am free
As of today (june 15th, 2023) I am 9 days post op :))
I've never felt more euphoric. ever.
I love this feeling and i hope it stays forever
865 · Sep 2019
Quick-Write 9/19/19
Casey Sep 2019
Prompt: Explain the story behind a picture from your camera roll
(date of picture taken: August 30th, 2019)


The picture is a simple mirror selfie, but the story has more to do with what I was wearing.
Earlier that day, I went to the mall to shop for my homecoming outfit with
my friend, (REDACTED).
It seems trivial to someone else, I guess, but to me, it was a big deal.
It was because I could drive and because we were at the mall against
my dad's wishes that added to my nervousness of it all.
I went to the boy's section of the clothing store because I'm really short,
and (REDACTED) helped me pick out a suit.
My first suit.
Just wearing the suit jacket, I couldn't help but smile like an idiot.
It was so....right.
I don't know how else to explain it.
It was as if all those little pieces just fell into place and everything felt
all right.
For once, everything in that moment felt good and perfect.
I didn't care about the curious looks from the middle-aged moms.
I felt....euphoric?
Euphoric.
Gender euphoria.
828 · Feb 2022
I wanna write a song
Casey Feb 2022
I wanna write a song
I wanna tell the whole world something on my mind
Make it catchy and fun and rhyme
But I’m afraid I’d get it all wrong

I wanna write a song
And sing it for everyone to hear
But my voice isn’t that great and my uke sits unplayed
I’m sure nobody would sing along

Oh look what I’ve done
In spite of it all, in the height of it all
I’ve put the words on the page, I’ve won.
Despite the stupid insistence of my thoughts; so persistent
I’ve gone and wrote a song

I want to make someone proud
Not in the way they’ve told me they are
I want to see it on their face and be able to tell
Without them saying it aloud

I just wanna write a song
It doesn’t even have to make any sense (cents?)
I really wanna put something out there
And prove to myself what I’ve know all along

Oh look what I’ve done
In spite of it all, in the height of it all
I’ve put the words on the page, I’ve won.
Despite the stupid insistence of my thoughts; so persistent
I’ve gone and wrote a song

And I know it doesn’t seem like much but to me it’s a first
Here’s to all of the others who think everything they make is the worst
The first draft of my first song :) I'll probably edit this and repost a finished version when I get around to it.  Now to make a chord progression and a melody.....
Casey Apr 2020
My old name is dead to me.
That's why they call it a deadname.
The person who had that name breathes no more.
She was killed by my own hands.

She was named for both of her grandmothers,
some sort of sentiment to come from a careless mistake.
Maybe this is what made it so easy for me to **** her
because her name was a throw-away.

Her middle name came from the title of a movie
that her parents had once liked.
But the movie is old and bland, and the plot has no meaning.
So her names are futile attempts at trying to right a wrong,
trying to make up for something that can never be fixed.

I killed her.
I wanted her dead so badly,
so I killed her.

My name is Casey.

I am not heartless, though.
She wanted me to be Casey.
Although I killed her, she still means something to me.

I had to **** her in order to move on.
She knew that.
So I am Casey for her.

Casey.

It means spear.
A weapon.

Fitting for a murderer.
Our prompt was to write a response to "My Name" by Sandra Cisneros. I took a slightly different approach and wrote about my deadname.
731 · Sep 2019
Tragic Flaws
Casey Sep 2019
Tragic heroes have tragic flaws.
At least, that's what the sophomore language arts teacher had taught.

Juliet and Romeo,
ignorant obsession.
Macbeth,
unchecked ambition.
Achilleus and Agamemnon,
self-righteous ego.
Tragic heroes slew by the pen for a lesson.

What about the ones that succeed?
How could they possibly have flaws?
We hold them on a pedestal for all to see.
Maybe they truly were perfect--at first.

It's easy to fake a smile.
Nothing has changed, we are the same.
Not every flaw can be seen at surface level,
and they're not necessarily vices.

For instance, loyalty.
Now that'll get you killed.
Put that into perspective,
and we're all just tragic heroes with tragic flaws.
I know this doesn't make much sense. It's content though.  Yes, I'm back!
709 · Mar 2019
A Letter to My Past-Self
Casey Mar 2019
Hey you.
Yeah, you.
You're newly 14, I'm newly 16.
Here is my advice to you.

I know you're broken.
I know you're tired.
I know you're hurt.
And guess what?
You will still be broken, tired, and hurt.

****'s pretty tough right now, yeah?
Well, boy do I have news for you.
It's only going to get more difficult.

Remember when you said you'd never cut
because the thought made you sick?
Well, a year later, you can guess what happened.
Don't worry, you've been clean for a month.

If there's anything you should know, it's this;
Stop trying to do everything yourself.
Stop lying to Mom, and stop thinking that Dad is mean.
They really do love you, trust me.
And if you don't trust anyone else, at least trust yourself.

Please talk to Mom.
Don't shut yourself away in your room.
Spend time with her while you still can.
You don't know it yet, but...she only has a few years left.
Make those years the best of your life, not the worst.
You don't know it yet, but she won't see you graduate college.
She won't see you get married, or open your first art gallery.

Don't procrastinate on those essays.
Putting them off won't get rid of the fact that you still have to write them.
While we're on the topic, be more open with your teachers.
Don't let them call you the wrong name because it makes things "easier".
Tell them who you are.
They will accept you.
They have to accept you.
It's against the law for them to discriminate.

More than anything, don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid to be who you are.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
Don't be afraid to try. new. things.

And on a sadder note, yes, you did eventually attempt suicide.
You still haven't even told your friends yet, you're afraid that it'd break them.

Don't focus too much on the worst parts.
You will move on from that toxic relationship.
You will be able to love again.
Although, you will always still flinch.
That may never go away.

The path you're on is filling with ***-holes, bumps, and steep hills.
Keep trudging on.
You were never one to choose the easy route.
Hell, life didn't even give you an option.
But I know that you're determined.
I believe in you.

Know this;
You might not think so, but you're very important.
If you can't live for yourself, live for your friends.
They need you.
I need you.

Keep your head up kid.
It's going to get tough.
But you're pretty tough too.
In the meantime, stay alive.
There are people here who need you.
You're going to do great things.
Stay strong.
Stay proud.
Be you.

- Ren
something i can come back to
668 · Sep 2019
Assuming
Casey Sep 2019
Thought I knew this well.
every step I had to take,
every lie--delivered smiling--I had to sell,
every mindless task, no breaks.

Thought you knew of my own created, designer hell.
watching me falter towards an imaginary goal,
watching my fibs for tells,
watching my to-do list quadruple.

I thought I knew how to quit,
how to snap out of it.
I thought you knew about it,
and how to deal with this ****.

Turns out that neither of us knows jack-squat.
And that's alright, I swear I got this, yeah I'm good, I can do it.
I hoped for you to say something, I thought you knew I was talkin' *******.
Yet, without a word, you left
me to rot.
Did you care? Did you ever even care? Did you see the signs? Did you know they were there?

Alternative Title: Doormat
**** i feel walked on
587 · Mar 2019
Pastel Blue
Casey Mar 2019
It's that feeling when you wake after a long sleep.
And the sun streams in through the window on your face.

I would give anything just to stay like that forever.
Getting up takes too much effort.

It's that feeling of heavy-lidded eyes on a long car ride.
The steady, low hum of the highway lullaby.

I beg sleep to meet me there.
Yet, she is evasive.

Because it's not what you see when you dream.
My attempt at describing a color.
577 · Feb 2019
I Wish I Could
Casey Feb 2019
People are not projects.

The pieces of your heart aren't a puzzle.
I can't solve that emptiness.
No matter what I say, nothing seems to work...
542 · Dec 2018
sorry
Casey Dec 2018
for my dad


sorry i couldn't play sports you wanted me to
we both knew that my fate didn't lie in running
or golf,
or soccer.

sorry i couldn't be the perfect sweetheart daughter.
i couldn't pretend to be someone that i wasn't.
dresses,
lipstick,
blush,
flowing hair.
dysphoria.

sorry i couldn't always be happy and smiling.
i knew that you wanted some distraction
from what was happening with mom.
but, it got to me too.

sorry i couldn't be a straight 'A' student.
you knew i was capable of that.
but we knew with my restrictions that i would never earn an 'A' in phy. ed.
"what about uw-madison?" you would say.
and i always replied, "they're just letters."
just letters....yet they robbed me of motivation,
energy,
happiness.

sorry i never said anything you wanted me to say.
maybe that was why you would always hit my face
and never anywhere else.

sorry i didn't have any worthwhile talents.
i knew you hated my art.
you'd come into my room at times to look at it.
and scoff, and call it ****.

sorry i.....


No.


I'm not sorry that I can't be who you want me to be.
I'm not sorry for being who I am.
i don't think standing up for myself should be called 'attitude'.
458 · Mar 2019
Selective Amnesia
Casey Mar 2019
There are times when I can't remember
what I had for breakfast,
or what I said a minute ago,
or what day of the week it is.

But the one thing I can never forget
is the way I just SAT there
and did nothing.

I can never forget the starving look in his eyes,
or the repetitive thoughts of
this isn't right, I don't want this.

WHY DIDN'T I LEAVE?



"Why didn't you say no?"
I'm still so afraid...

Constant thoughts that everyone's using me, I'm just some gullible toy until they get bored.
452 · Feb 2019
Ever Since
Casey Feb 2019
Ever since that evening,
I've come to realize that nothing I do will matter.

That evening, when you coaxed me into leaving everyone.
You told me that a better opportunity would never come, and I believed you.

So, that evening,
I followed your plans, I gave into your whispers.

You dropped capsules into a paper bathroom cup.
My hands were shaking.

You gave me the poisonous cup, turned the handle on the sink.
I filled it with cold water.

And there was the moment,
where I doubted the necessity of it.

Your hand grabbed my cheeks, sharp nails digging into my skin.
Screaming, shouting in my face.
"Stupid kid, worthless child! Do as you're told!"

I broke away from your grip,
downing the bitter liquid.

Only stopping to refill the cup,
chugging down the rest of the dissolved pills.

You walked me back to my room,
tucked me into bed.

Bade me farewell.
Told me there'd be consequences if I woke.

For an hour, I couldn't stop shivering.
My vision was blurry and splotchy.
My lungs burned with every breath until I finally fell asleep.

But, your plan had failed.
The next morning, I woke.

I spent the day laying around, barely eating.
Trying to get over sickening nausea and stomach pains.

Somehow, my body had gotten rid of the toxins
You're still here, I can't rid myself of you.

Ever since that evening,
I can't drink out of a paper cup without gagging.

Ever since that evening,
I've come to realize that nothing I do matters.
Written as if addressing depression.
436 · Dec 2023
Ashes
Casey Dec 2023
I want to live forever with you,
when our bones intertwine and turn to dust
I see the future with you
I trust myself in that

I can taste the red in the sunset we'll paint when we go
:3
Casey May 2019
Once upon a time,
there were 12.
12 filled chairs.
1 full table.
12 full hearts.

Then, there were 8.
4 empty chairs.
And suddenly I blinked and---

10 empty chairs.
2 empty hearts.
If you know, you know.
394 · Jan 2019
Alone (May 27th, 2017)
Casey Jan 2019
So bored, scrolling through social media sites.
I see you've updated.
Excited, I message you.
Just a simple, "Hi."

Shortly, I realize my mistake.
The recent picture, it shows you with your friends.
Laughing, having fun.

I remembered what you said yesterday.
"I'll be at the carnival tomorrow!"
Your face in the photo looks so, so happy.
Smiling brightly, eyes shining.
All the things I could never make you feel.

What's the point anymore?
I delete my message.
You won't be answering anyways.
You're out there, having a great day.
And where am I?

Just here.
Wherever that is.
Sitting, staring at this screen, watching, waiting.
It's all too much to handle, imagining you today out with your buddies.
Playing in the sun, on the carnival rides
without me.

We used to be close, so close.
What happened?
I was thrown out, like a broken toy.
Tell me, to you, am I nothing at all?

Unbearable.
I scroll past the picture trying to hold in the tears.
It's all too much.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't pretend.
It hurts, it hurts so much.
I know, deep down, I still love you.

Even though I cut that ribbon, it's weaving back.
Why now?
It shouldn't do that, you clearly didn't care.
So why still do I?

I clutch my chest, let out that sob.
The tears come falling.
The ribbon's back.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to hurt you.
I feel so, so, alone.

I'm so sorry.
I fell in love with you all over again.
It's torturous.
Once again, I'm feeling alone.
386 · Sep 2019
Counting Sheep
Casey Sep 2019
Maybe we didn’t have to fall asleep
to be blind to what we see.
We used to stay up late,
wishing upon the stars.
Hoping for someone to hear us.
I wanted to be something greater,
change something for the better.

But any astronomer can tell you
that those stars aren’t real anymore.
They’ve died long ago.
They’ve left me staring at the ceiling in the dark,
awaiting something that will never embark.
Most of the stars that we can see are dead. The last stanza is about insomnia and also seeing the night sky as it actually is.
Casey Oct 2019
11 empty chairs,
12 empty hearts.

Careful, watch your step.
There's plenty of shards on the floor.
(slam)
"Could you please stop breaking the chairs?"
(slam) "sorry---wha-"
(nervous laugh) "We kinda need them to sit on...?"
(slam) (smirk) "Oh, no, you've got it wrong. Nobody needs to sit on these. Plenty of room on the floor."
376 · Dec 2019
Sister
Casey Dec 2019
I know I’m one day late, but happy 2 months hrt sis :)
357 · Jun 2020
The Muse
Casey Jun 2020
Once upon a day of spring, while I thought, in the early morning,
Over many an empty and ignored notebook paper on my floor—
While I was writing, nothing shocking, there was a sudden knocking,
As of something frantically pounding, pounding at my chamber door.
“ ‘Tis the poet’s muse,” I uttered, “knocking at my chamber door—
I’ll let it in, nothing more.”

Ah, with sorrow I can recall how onto pages the words would fall,
And every phrase was brought to me from a tempest to the shore.
Eagerly I searched the sands;—digging for them with frenzied hands
I would find my poems, but I can—can never find them anymore—
For the wretched but beautiful language that was once my being’s core—
Beyond my reach, evermore.

And the symphony of a distant dirge filled me with a sudden urge,
Enthralled me—thrilled me with lavish courage felt certain times before;
So that now, in spite of what is real, I opened the door with zeal
And asked, “Muse, will I never heal? Am I destined to find empty shores?”
A buffoon was I, for nothing but a whisper far off from my door.
Quoth the whisper, “Evermore.”

“Be that word your leave, fake muse, you mirage!” I howled with grieve—
“Stay no longer in my presence, knock no longer on my door!”
But the whisper, the muse, remains still lurking outside causing me pain—
Incessant knocking, there’s no refrain—more papers strewn on the floor.
I plead with the muse, I beg it to take flight from my chamber door.
The muse just states, “Evermore.”
LA Assignment was to write a parody of Poe's poem "The Raven". Fair use and all that, I don't claim to own this since even though I did write it, not every phrase is original so therefore don't credit this to me.
Casey Jan 2019
In Vilna lives a young Polish girl, so wealthy and carefree

Suddenly, away goes she and her family

Taken by force, pushed into a truck

Belongings stuffed into a trunk

A train awaits as they file in

The door closes and the light is dim

The young girl asks, "Where are we going?"

Her father replies, "Only the Russian soldiers are knowing."

Weeks fly by on the railroad

Ever so slowly the train goes

The prisoners alike arrive at a town

Once again pushed into trucks and carted around

The girl and her family arrive at a mining camp

The grandmother says repulsively, "We look like tramps."

"The land is so flat!" The girl remarks

"We're in Siberia...." The father says with a heavy heart

Silk clothes soiled and heads hung low

Into makeshift mud houses, the capitalists go

The landscape, nothing but brown and dried grass

The young girl thinks, "how long will this heat last?"

To the gardens, she goes

To **** the hundreds of shrunken potatoes

Her family is to work in the mine

On little bread and cheese, they dine

Finally relocated to a nearby village

Everyone so hungry, none dare to pillage

The girl goes to school and makes new friends

She wishes hopefully that learning won't end

Her family with their own mud house

Having not to worry about a single mouse

A letter arrives one day

To war, the father must be sent away

He takes the train to the front lines

Everyone says their goodbyes

Weeks later, the newspaper arrives

Heavy casualties reported, from those same front lines

They receive a letter from the father

"I'm alive." It reads, "About crying, don't bother."

Winter creeps in and nothing is left to keep warm

The girl steals coal and wood shavings thinking, "it couldn't do any harm"

Quickly the money goes by

The young girl takes up knitting on the fly

Her knitted sweaters earn them milk and potatoes

She spends less time with her friends, though

The little mud house too cold to bare

They find new people to live with, no warm clothes to wear

Years pass and the girl turns fifteen, not young anymore

Seven years they have spent in Siberia, living like the poor

Word arrives that the war is completed

From Siberia, the Germans had packed up and retreated

A letter comes, saying that the little family can go home

They take the train and upon arrival begin to roam

The streets are barren with nothing left

They find their house, not spared of theft

The father appears much older

The weather in Siberia was much colder

Than what Vilna, Poland was like

The girl takes her father's hand and family alike

The years of exile are done

The war is over, the Allies have won
I made this poem October 11, 2016. It was for an LA book project. This is based off a book I read, The Endless Steppe. I had to write a total of 3 poems for the project. For the first one, it had to be a summary of the book. FYI, the book takes place during WW2.
336 · Jan 2019
Pressure (March 1st, 2017)
Casey Jan 2019
My turn to go up next.
The teacher glances toward me and nods.
I grab my instrument and walk to the front of the room.
A chair and stand awaits me.
I set the sheet music on the stand and take a seat.
"Whenever you're ready," he says.

I lift the french horn to my face and pause.
I remember the people before me who went,
eyes full of fear.
Hoping with every ounce of their soul
that they won't mess up.
My chest constricts tightly.
I struggle to take a breath, then begin.

The first note is perfectly on pitch.
So far, so good.
The phrase flows smoothly.
The piece goes well,
until I take a risky glance around the classroom.

A knot forms in my stomach.
Everyone is looking at ME.
Expecting ME to do well.
My fingers fumble as I miss a note.
I panic and rush the rhythms,
not caring if I miss the pitch.
I just want this TORTURE to be over.

Their gazes are icy.
The piece ends and I swiftly let my instrument down.
I hang my head low.
The ones before me look grim.
Surely I had disappointed them

The director says nothing.
The silence is KILLING me.
I feel my face flushing red.
The room is getting warmer.
"Next?" He asks, prying that I should take my spot.
I get up and take my things,
then do exactly that.

The next person plays perfectly.
I applaud with tear-stained hands.
They are praised well as they walk to their seat,
beaming in glory.

Who am I to pretend
that I understand this madness
called success?
Playing your solo for the class is never fun.
327 · Dec 2019
for my friends
Casey Dec 2019
The decade is ending and I'm really not good with saying emotional stuff so I wrote a lil something for ya. I know I have a few other inspiriting poems, but you can never have enough.


Lemme start this off by saying how much I frickin love you guys.
Thank you for all the things you've done for me.
If it wasn't for you, I honestly have no idea where I'd be.
I've only known you guys for a few years, yet you've changed me so much for the better.
You've helped me become stronger and more confident with who I am.
You've helped me to not give up when things seem hopeless.
In my darkest moments, you guys were the lights guiding me back home.
I know that you always have my back just like how I always have yours.
Honestly, you guys need to know how frickin amazing you are.
You're worth so much more than anything of material value.
Thank you so much for being in my life.
If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold you up, or someone to talk to, know that I'll always be there.
We've had our fair share of laughter, dumb jokes, arguments, and tears.
But through it all, every single second spent was a moment with you guys that I'll never regret.
Realize that whatever weird or crazy stuff happens between us, I'll always care about you guys.
I'll never stop caring about you guys.
Whatever next year brings, no matter how scary things will be, I know I'll make it through because I have you guys by my side.
Likewise, don't you ever give up.
Not as long as I'm here.
Because I believe in you guys.
As long as we're together in this world, I wanna make memories to last a lifetime that I can reflect on and know that I had a life well spent and a life that was fulfilling.
So let's go into 2020 with our heads held high.
Let's achieve something great this decade.
I love you guys.
Stay strong.
Stay proud.
And as always, thank you for being you.
I know two of you guys are on here, but I don't know your usernames so I can't tag you guys ughhh. Whelp, I'm just gonna hope that you find this.
320 · Sep 2019
Don't Let it Control You,
Casey Sep 2019
that's what she told me.

But without it, who I am?
I don't think I would recognize myself.
essentially another form of "get over it".
304 · Sep 2019
Sunroom
Casey Sep 2019
The room that we called a "porch"
because that's what it was supposed to be
before it was enclosed with walls.

The room that we used as a fridge in the winter
because of how cold it would get.

In summer,
the room where the cat would lay, sun-basking.
Shedded fur floating like petals in the air,
illuminated by the sun-streams through the window.

The room with the handy outside-facing lock
so that your brothers could lock you in
when they were annoyed with you.

The room that was renovated into a part of the house
rather than an enclosed porch.
Ending the many uses,
but still containing the memories.
Written in my LA class, inspired by Bathroom by George Ella Lyon
299 · May 2021
Prove it to me
Casey May 2021
"If you're a guy, why do you carry around a purse?"

I stare at her, hard.
My gender therapist, questioning me?

To carry my ****. Why else?
Don't impose these stereotypes on me.


Also,
my jeans don't have pockets.
okay,,,, first of all--*****
Casey Jan 2019
He watches me close.
"Family," I say, "lose hope.
For I am not you."
For those who are expected to become someone other than who they truly are.
294 · Apr 2020
Quick Write - 4/6/20
Casey Apr 2020
Take me to where the sidewalk ends.
Past the dark streets that wind and bend.
Return me to what I used to know.
Bring me to the roads diverged into the wood.
Let me take the road less traveled as I should.
I refuse to stay along this normal path.
Our prompt was to pick our favorite poem(s) and write a response.
291 · Dec 2019
Decade
Casey Dec 2019
I am a "zoomer",
which means that I grew up in this past decade.

Going into 2010, I was on the edge of being seven years old.
Thinking that this is when my life will really begin.
That ever-looming question.

I look back on this decade and think,
when did my life begin?
At what point, in the past 10 years,
did I open my eyes and see the world how it is?

Was it when I was 11 on an airplane for the first time,
seeing just how small we really are?
Or perhaps when I stood on the summit of the tallest peak
of the Rocky Mountains at 13?

Maybe it was when I came out for the first time in 2016.
In eighth grade, to my closest friend.
It could've been when someone called me a *** for the first time when I was 14, and I didn't know what it meant.

Or was it when I was 15, and realized that I was trans and panromantic?
Then again, it also might've been when I was newly 16 and tried to escape.

I know it's cliché, but if I had traveled back in time to this exact day in 2010,
I don't think my younger self would recognize me,
let alone believe what I tell them about this decade.

When I was 7, I thought 2020 was going to be high tech and futuristic.
I never thought that I'd be able to travel to so many new places.
I never thought I'd be pan, or a boy.
I never thought that people could be so hateful towards my existence.
I never thought that my mom would get sick.
I never thought that I'd add myself to statistics.

And then I realize that it's 2020 very soon,
and now I'm on the edge of being 17.
I'm still asking that question.
When will my life begin?

Except, this time, I know the answer.
Bye-bye 2010's. Thanks for all the memories, but it's time to move on now.
291 · Jan 2019
Utopia (November 22, 2017)
Casey Jan 2019
Pure, white light.
Nothing to surround you.
Floating in an abyss.

Breathe,
draw in, paint it out.
What do you see?

Swirling colors,
anything you can imagine.
They flow from your lungs.

Away, to an abysmal sky
of pure, white.
Black pinpricks.

Connect the stars.
They will guide
and set you free.
289 · Feb 2019
Be the Driver of Your Car
Casey Feb 2019
A long time ago, a friend said to me,
"Hey, Ren, you need to know something.

You're an awesome person, but you're letting other people control your life.
I'm not only saying it's her, but there are others, including myself, that you're letting take the driver's seat.

I mean, I see people trying to adjust what you think. She's trying to make you kick us out, but I'm not just sitting there either.

I mean, I guess here I was trying to make you stop talking to her because she's a bad influence. But, I also made you watch our shows and other things.

In fact, I made you become friends with all these people. I'm just saying it's time to kick people, not out of your car, but out of the driver's seat.

I'm not saying don't be friends with me and her, you can keep us in the passenger seat if you want. But, you also can kick us out. Otherwise, the road others will send you down will not be marshmallows and unicorns,
I can tell you that.

Of course, we aren't the only ones, but we are the main people doing this to you.

And I believe, you should be able to speak for yourself."
The person who told me this has been my best friend for my entire life, she's awesome. She's always there for me.
276 · Sep 2019
Quick-Write 9/10/19
Casey Sep 2019
The story we read in class today talked of the narrator's father
seeing his home of Italy as an old country he left behind
to carry on with what he started in the USA.
I'm not so sure that that's good.
When you forget where you come from, you forget yourself in a way.
There was a part of you that grew up and learned about life where you
used to preside.
Why would you want to lose that?
Thinking about it now, I do realize an obvious answer;
perhaps your hometown wasn't too great of a place
for someone like you, or maybe growing up there had bad
experiences.
In my mom's case, she left behind the city for the country.
She grew up in (REDACTED) with people she knew for forever.
But she always told me that she knew that as soon as she left for college,
she wasn't going back to that place.
Having to go out and buy cigarettes for your parents because they
don't have their driver's license will do that to a person I guess.
We do these things called quick-writes in LA class which are short, 5 minute responses to a poem or prompt or picture or short story that the teacher provides.
272 · Sep 2019
Don't Blame Me
Casey Sep 2019
When will you learn?
You don't play with fire unless you want to get burned.

Whoops.
Sunburn frickin ***** man, i am a lobster. I was gonna say something cool about how sunburn isn't really caused by fire, but yeah, it is....'cause the sun is a ball of fire. Well. Anyways. These words have been said a million times by a million different people. I don't own them.

Just another shitpost, keep scrolling.
268 · May 2019
A Lie For the Eyes
Casey May 2019
I had a dream that I lost you.

The ground below had shattered and fallen, leaving you over an endless void.
White knuckles from clenching the railing,
you were barely holding on.

I was on the other side of this railing, safe on a sturdy platform.
You looked up at me with wild eyes, beads of sweat trickling down your face.
I outstretched my hand.

A hoarse whisper, from chapped lips, "You don't have to do this,"
I wasn't sure why I had said that.
After all, this situation hadn't been your choice.

Still, you clung there, unmoving. Just....staring.
I took matters into my own hands, and leaned over the railing,
grabbed you by the wrists in an iron manacle grip.

And then the flood came.

A torrent of rushing water broke through the chasm
as if a dam had broken wide open.
The raging currents roared their threats at us.

Your fear quickly turned to sudden confidence,
a grim smirk spread across your face.
Ripping away from my grip.

And before I could blink
You hurled yourself into the depths
Blood-curling, piercing screams.

Pinching my arms,
I can't wake up.

It wasn't a dream that I lost you.
Impulsive

Or did I dream of losing me?
257 · Mar 2019
Again
Casey Mar 2019
Today my knee popped again.
For the fifteenth time since it's began.

Skinned palms from breaking my fall.
Again, the hot blade of searing pain.
I hate how these are things I can perfectly recall.

I've sworn myself not to cry;
instead, my body goes into shock.
Screaming as if I were to die.

Catching my breath, the agony is finally over.
I used to be helped up from the ground.
But now, I get the cold shoulder.

In Phy Ed. class, they whispered that it was for attention.
I found that funny, considering I hate that.
And the brace, I would never mention.
Hello? Customer service? Can I get a refund? My knee doesn't seem to be working properly.
256 · Mar 2019
Heart's Song
Casey Mar 2019
He had always been confusing to me.
I think we consider ourselves to be friends.
I never could tell if he meant the things he said.

I had this preconceived idea about him,
based on what others have told me.

"Don't trust him."
"He's a player."
"He seems nice, but it's only a cover."

I was at the band and choir competition, looking for my friend.
I flung open the door of the vocal warm-up room, the fieldhouse,
and my heart stopped.

He was the only one there, yet he seemed to fill the room.
Twirling around,
singing his heart out,
jumping from piano to piano, playing the accompaniment to his song.

He must've stolen that voice from the cosmos,
for I've never heard anything so celestial.

He turned to me, still singing,
but I'm not sure if he really saw me.
He saw those empty bleachers as packed to the brim, all listening eagerly.


There is something indescribably vulnerable about singing.
I was awestruck, at a loss for words.

How could someone so emotionally raw be characterized as---manipulative?
I don't know.
247 · Sep 2020
Drought
Casey Sep 2020
I don’t even know how to write anymore.

I used to swim in this ocean of words and ideas.
Now it’s just sand.
Slipping through my fingers.
RIP
243 · Mar 2019
December 14th, 2018
Casey Mar 2019
Whelp.
Once again, this ******* ****** up.
I tried to help her, but I just made everything a million times worse.

I ended up leaving her sobbing there.
How can I ever come back from that?
She probably hates me.
It's justified.
It'll take some time before I can forgive myself for being a ******* waste of space.

I recently looked at pictures of me.
*******, I'm ******* ugly as ****.
Mirrors don't bother me, it's pictures that do.
All that ******* disgusting acne.

Such a fat, pudgy face.
No discernable cheekbones.
It makes me want to take a knife and sculpt my own face.

I told myself I'd wait until after my birthday.
I don't want Christmas associated with death.
I always tell myself to wait.
Why?

Maybe I hope that by then, I'd forget all this **** inside my head.
It's never worked.
It never will work.
There's nothing, nothing will stop these thoughts.

I write these as a way to cope, but it doesn't work.
I wash my face twice every day to make myself look presentable, but it doesn't work.
My mom is taking immunotherapy for her cancer, but it won't cure her.

Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing­
Nothing.

A mole on my arm has been hurting and getting darker each passing year.
I know what it is.
I know I'll die from it one day.
I can't control that.
It's a gene mutation, after all.
I might be medicated for that in the future, but it won't work.
Nothing will.

I could tell my friends what it is.
But they'd cry.
It's best to have them happy about a different way of death than to cry over a gene mutation.

She thinks she'd be sad if I left.
Lies.
I know she hates me.
I don't know why she talks to me and pretends to be a friend to me.

Maybe it's pity.
Another "friend" already told me that I was a pity friend to them.
So, I'm not surprised if she feels the same.
It makes things easier for me.

I seem troubled here, and she talks to her friend, having fun.
It's nice.
I don't necessarily have a closest friend.

My closest friend and I are becoming distant.
It *****.
I wish I could text her more.
Which I can, but it's something about me.

I'm terrible at maintaining only online friendships.
That's how one of my close friends and I don't talk anymore.
That was my own doing.

I sit and don't do much of anything.
I don't really draw anymore either.
It's not fun anymore.
Every time I draw, I just see the flaws.

Nothing is good enough and it never will be.
I don't know why I try.
I'm not good at anything.
I'm not good for anything.
Another entry.
242 · Jan 2019
Her (late November, 2016)
Casey Jan 2019
The first snow has fallen; oh how it sparkles in the sun!

All she wants to do is run around and have fun.

Yet, there is work to be done.

This battle she's fighting seems won.

But, no one can tell

from fear and pain, she runs.
idk man I honestly don't remember why I wrote this one.
237 · Mar 2019
The Worst Kind of Death
Casey Mar 2019
The worst kind of death
is the kind that eats away.
Year by year.

The kind of death
that saps strength
'til there's none left.

The kind of death that can't be cured; only treated.
By injecting radioactive chemicals
into her bloodstream.

The kind of death that she tells me,
"feels like I've been hit by a truck,"
every morning when she wakes up.

The kind of death that steals
her future and mine,
and causes even the hardest of heart to cry.

The kind of death that comes with a genetic mutation,
a survival rate of 10-15%,
and 4 years left to live.

The worst kind of death
is the kind of death that is killing my mom.
And eventually, will **** me.
Yeah....

life is kinda mean.
235 · Dec 2020
- 12/14/2020
Casey Dec 2020
The sun still rises
The earth stills turns
Life still goes on,
but you’re not here.

I wish I took up your offer to go golfing, just once.

You would’ve let me win anyways.
You always did.

Rest well.
I lost my grandpa to covid.
233 · Mar 2019
November 9th, 2018
Casey Mar 2019
Today is the 29th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall.
I should know.
I had a report on it for my final last year.
Funny how that works.
Now it's stuck in my head forever until I forget again.

I know I will.
I always forget.
It's a symptom.
My ******-up head is destroying my memory.

I can remember basic things, but I forget things that occur.
I don't remember what I ate for dinner yesterday.
I don't remember what I talked to Blake about yesterday,
so I don't remember why he's mad at me.

It *****.
It makes me come off as uncaring when I forget these details about somebody.
That's probably why she sees me as uncaring.
That's not true.
I do care about her.
It's difficult to express for me.

I was raised in a way that didn't include the teaching of sympathy or empathy.
I know this sounds horrible, but if my dad left, I wouldn't be sad.
I wouldn't be happy either, but I wouldn't be sad.
He's already shown what he thinks of me.

I've never good enough.
I get a 4.0 for a semester and a 3.9 the rest of the year and I need to "try harder".
He's always telling me, "you're not trying," or "you're not listening", and I hate it.

How would he know about what I think and feel?
He's not me.
He's set on me being this perfect ******* angel child that I can never be.
He tells me that I'll never be able to pursue an art career and should focus more on studying than drawing.

I don't care.
I WILL be an artist.
I don't care how long it takes.
I'll be an artist and shove it in his face when I have my own studio and open a gallery.

**** the nonbelievers.
I can fly planes AND draw.
Just watch me.
If I don't off myself by then.
More journal stuff from my phone.
230 · Oct 2021
Untitled
Casey Oct 2021
Am I recovering or just distracted?
226 · Feb 2019
Some One-Liners
Casey Feb 2019
i.

I find that it's often other people's things that we accidentally break
except for our own hearts.


ii.

In a dream I once had, my dad said this bit:
I know it's tough right now, but you need to pull through. You can make it.


iii.

And from my mom, in a few years her picture will sit on the bookshelf:
I love you. You will survive yourself.


iv.

Maybe all of this was one big ******* mistake, but oh god, not you.


v.

Be there for those who care, otherwise, those who care will seldom be there.
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