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leeaaun Dec 2022
they answered
acceptance
will cure your fears
but my question was different
will accepting my fears
will no longer give me
anxiety
or
panic attacks
either way even the situations were
different
they outcome was the same
me drenched in fears
every night
dorian green Jul 2021
sunsets ripple across southern skies
like skipping stones across a pond.
i'm thinking about how we all die.
what will nothing feel like?
what did it feel like before?
i catch myself guessing -
the void and cold conjurings of a
scared temporary consciousness.
loneliness beckons and repulses me
in equal measures, existential inquiries
painting me into nihilistic corners.
is this just some brief gift?
i hem and haw and waste the light,
i become the universe i fear,
endlessly eating my thoughts,
embodying entropy as i gasp for air.
Jenie Oct 2020
I'm telling you that's it, I quit!
A year on now I weigh a ton,
drinking my way out of this pit.

Hotel meals with a book I sit,
a woman on her own must be fun...
I'm telling you that's it, I quit.

Day after day sleeping a whit,
puff in the lungs and pulse on the run,
drinking my way out of this pit.

Monday drive bawl or afternoon fit,
abusing I yell before the sun,
I'm telling you that's it, I quit.

A ring and a promise, we almost split,
I never home or seeking to stun,
drinking my way out of this pit.

I will admit I learned a bit.
Of colleagues and business I knew none.
I'm telling you that's it, I quit
drinking my way out of this pit.
My first job, almost 15 years ago, spending the weeks in hotel rooms, flirted on I learned to bring a book. Unable to sleep, stressed out, crying in the car, eating too much, drinking, smoking, I started having panic attacks and quit after a year.
june ivy Aug 2020
Went and got a tattoo just for the needle
See myself out of body, I don't need her
Spinning till morning
Looking at old pics mourning
I don't know why it's happening again
I thought I was done being broken
In and out like the breath from my lungs
Fast heartbeat but not from the drugs
Please, no
Another low
**** me slow
Wilder Aug 2020
Hey
I didn't realize this was
What it's like

Sitting
Next to you
And you're trembling
It's quiet

You know,
Your boyfriend came to get me
Told me in a hushed voice
"[She's] having an anxiety attack"

I paled
I should've researched what to do
But I sat there
Next to you

He handed you a rabbit
I remember you giggled
When it tried to eat your necklace

It was quiet
Soft smiles and trembling
I couldn't help you
I didn't know how to reach you

I didn't know that this
This is what it's like
I've seen this

Quiet
Trembling
Deep gasping breaths for air
That doesn't help

Quiet
Thinking
(I have to go)
(I've had this)
(I had gotten worse)
(Panic attacks)
(Anxiety attacks?)
I feel like sobbing

It's quiet
You smile
We both pet the rabbit
You stop trembling
I don't.
My friend had a really bad anxiety attack recently and I just remember watching her and thinking "if this is really bad, then what are mine?"
B Jun 2020
there’s a rabbit with moon hooded eyes inside of my heart
and every night she looks up to the stars
yearning not to break apart

my rabbit and i feel fine most of the time
but when she starts racing i cry
because my mind believes my existence is a crime

and my heart can’t take it
she thinks she must’ve stopped
so she relentlessly pumps
creating dangerous music; thud thud thud

and look! there goes my rabbit
thrashing around in my war torn lungs
creating chaos in case of catastrophe
because future battles must always be won
june ivy May 2020
I try to tell myself everything I do is not for you
My life it revolves
The sun the stars the moon
I stand before the mirror trying to see myself clearer
Tears morph my body’s shape
Blurred like spilled paint
I whisper, “I hate you” as I stare at my face
I can’t breathe, so faster I try
Lightheaded vision, gagging, wanting to die
But the most I do is cry.

I drift lonely, lonely for you
You’re my depression, you’re my muse
Self hatred claims my compass,
So I follow it into the forest
And loathe your loving,
It infects me like fungus
Now I’m lost and scared
Inside my brain, you inject your lethal stain
I follow you on your path of wonder till I collapse
Exhaustion, pain, death, relapse

I idolize you and your flaws
How you seem so free
While around me forms a mist of misery
A clouded conscious with what I made you my life
Now I hate everything that I am,
And nothing’s right
Unmotivated, unsure
I allow you to engulf me; careless for a cure
I know what I’m doing but I don’t know who I am
Still on my knees I pray to you,
The blood slain of my own lamb.
My addiction to your presence has forced me to beg for more
I don’t know why I can’t end this war.
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