I remember hurricane Katrina
And how it ravaged your state, you wanted to wait it out
Sit on the roof and watch the flood water disintegrate all you knew
I wasn't there but I have implanted memories of you and your father
Smoking cigarettes on top of your house
Laughing about the rage of nature
I remember skipping school in elementary
We used to walk down the paths and go into the woods and douse ourselves in creek water
And there was nothing I knew better than your face at this time
You were my brother and my best friend
And I begrudgingly remember you strung out and treating me like shit
But I knew it wasn't you who was getting kicked out of my house
It was the heroin, and whatever else it might've been
I never thought you'd die alone
With not much to say for-
Not much to live for, I guess
But I knew you lived for us, Sam and I
Because when mom went you knew we needed help
And you were the big brother, and we were your precious sisters
There's nothing poetic about the way you left us at young 34 years old
And I will never forgive black tar and needles
I hope the boat you depart on burns to nothing but your ashes
And the sea takes you to a place better than heroin ever could
I never thought I'd see the day your name made it to the papers
Maybe as a success, maybe as a life that was made out to be something beautiful
But instead, I've seen you in the obituaries
Justin Colter Stilling,
That name belongs to death now.
I wish I could see you off on your trip to the other side
But instead I'll be wasting away remembering you for what you were
And it makes me wonder, how and why
We all have to die

#sad   #depression   #sadness   #death   #memories   #family   #rip   #brother   #obituary  
Liza Ann Marie
Liza Ann Marie
3 days ago

My paper crown has burned.
My wings have been ripped away.
My faerie godmothers are not real,
Neither is the court of Fae.
So while I sit and wait
For a darling prince to come,
I may as well remember
That there isn't going to be one.

March 21, 2017.
#suicide   #tear   #prince   #paper   #burn   #wings   #crown   #rip   #faeries   #faerietales  
4 days ago

i am so sorry
about your loss.
i am so sorry
about your heartache.
i am so sorry
about everything.
this is not how a romantic story is supposed to conclude.
i am so sorry
that the doctors couldn't save you.
i am so sorry
that the bed is empty.
i am so sorry
because you were the glue.
i am so sorry
because you were far too optimistic
your heart was too full
your spirit was too high
for everything not to fall
apart around us
in the way that only a death this sudden can -
ripping everything in its path
to shreds -
rippling like a wave
my father crying in an italian restaurant,
kneeling at the edge of the bed and praying
pretending that i do not hear
the crack in my father's voice,
or the shaking grip my mother has on my hand.
if god exists,
i think he's a sadist.

rip stephanie
march 18 2017
Delta Swingline
Delta Swingline
7 days ago

I can’t sleep because I’m too tired. I’m so tired that what I just said makes complete sense...

I can’t sleep because I’m not tired at all, I would run around the world and come back home and still be awake. If I could... If I wanted to.

I can’t sleep because counting sheep is stupid.

I can’t sleep because I want to pull an all-nighter. I can’t sleep because I don’t want to pull an all-nighter.

I can’t sleep because I plan to wake up at 6 am tomorrow morning. Or 8, or 12, or 4 o’clock in the afternoon.

I can’t sleep because YouTube.

I can’t sleep because I can’t wait for tomorrow, and I can’t sleep because I don’t want tomorrow to catch up with me.

I can’t sleep because I have a scheduled 3-hour long conversation with God and something tells me we are definitely going overtime. We just have so much to talk about.

I can’t sleep because I’m hungry, but let’s not risk waking my family of the sleep I don’t get to have.

I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of dying in my sleep. You can’t tell me it would be peaceful, or comfortable, when I’m subconsciously fighting for my life, and a rest I will forever never get to have.

Rest in peace right? More like rest in pieces, I am a broken body sprawled out across a bed that is too small for me because I hate sleeping on a diagonal, I keep tossing and turning, so no, I am not resting in peace.

I can’t sleep because I will never be comfortable, I will never be able to sleep in a straight line, or on my left or right side, so lets just stare at my ceiling and wonder why I even bother trying.

I can’t sleep because my dreams will always become nightmares in which I wake up the next morning to forget my dreams of yesterday, I did not ask for a tomorrow, I did not ask for my alarm clock, I did not ask to wake up. Tell the sun to go back down for five minutes.

I can’t sleep because I will wake up to find that my arms are wrapped around my pillow, where I thought your body was. I am not hugging you anymore, because I have woken up. I don’t care it it’s not real, let me dream for just a little longer because I just wish you were here. I cannot forget how lonely I have become.

I can’t sleep because I’m waiting for the phone to ring, for a message to be sent, for burglar to sneak into my house, because I am awake and ready to fight. I will defend what I can see. But I can’t see in the dark.

I lay awake, wishing that you were here to tell me it’s safe to sleep, but we both know monsters exist in the dark.

I can’t stop wishing that you were here, I’m sorry that I can’t stop thinking about you. I just can’t explain myself, and I will stay up all night thinking of something to say to you. But I can’t…

I can’t sleep, I can’t let myself fall asleep I might never be as alive as I am right now


I have so much I need to do, so please don’t let me fall asleep again. Because being here alive and awake with you is already a dream come true.

So I will be up until at least 2 AM tonight...
#lonely   #sleep   #thoughts   #2am   #rip   #stayingawake  

She was the kindest willowy white witch
you could ever hope to meet.
With her St.John's Wort, soya milk,
lentils for supper and lentils for dessert,
pureed tofu when she pushed out the boat.
And a larder of antidepressants:
Heather Fishwick was allergic to life.
That does not surprise us
who knew you were the kindest.

Your PDSA-rescued, schitzy
labrador called Mitzy
died soon after you.
Did that dog's sensitive soul
set its own custard coat setose
as it sat at your geisha feet
that X-mas you overdosed?

And I was ungrateful, childishly,
churlishly resentful
because I was in my early 20's
and liked you and used you,
but did not really want you.
And you were a decade older,
but not a decade stronger,
tho' I later heard you had found
some happiness with a boozy
builder called Steve.
Or so I believed...

We lost contact, I guess I had left
the unforgivable impression
that I hadn't really valued
the many times you indefatigably
shared your last blim of soapbar
with me, with a street-value
of 8 billion zillion squid
on any street with heart.

Our last routine pleasantries,
vague dope favours asked of a faded
friendship, haunt me, Heather.
Because you saved my life
for what it's worth.
Sometimes it was only worth a blim,
sometimes it still is,
blim of soapbar you shared,
skint stickthin stoner

A little dope when there's no hope
can be a life-saver.
A small life-or-death favour
can be a Lice-saver when all hope has been
scucking fuppered.

And PDSA-schitzy Mitzy,
daft people-damaged dog
barked the house down,
had to be locked in the bog
when Lice the Leech
too loudly knocked
to bum a blim of salvation.

And Heather, you yourself
could not keep quiet about
how your dad kept so quiet about
his boyhood with John Lennon,
brought up at Aunt Mimi's.

And talking of dropping names,
you're buried in Colney Woodland Park,
where another old friend I took for granted,
disappointed has been lain
- Heather, Hussein. Hussein, Heather.
Maybe your ghosts could unearth
my good points if the pair of you
put your incomparable incorporeal IQs,
ghossamer grey matter together
- you've got Eternity to rehabilitate
memories of me, tho' you might need

more time. I've already wasted a lifetime
on the sly narcissism of mea culpas.
Well I remember the time

in 2001 (just after we had sectioned my mum,
and I was crashing on my sis's floor in Lakenham),
sibliving had become fraught, so in a fit of pique
- as is my poète maudit histrionic wont,
I guilttripped Pasha-Jade, boomingly bluffed
I was off to sleep rough, with an ostentatiously
inadequate blanket and my trusty stuffed
gorilla, Oscar Wild without the 'e', under an arm each.
And it would serve you right, Pash,
if whilst I invited lumbago
doss-dozing on Castle Meadow slabs,
a tramp had used my toothbrush!
Instead I headed to Heather's,
who gamme shelter, repose
on a wicker two-seater with hippy throws.
And a soapbar sploofta cosh to quash
alpha brainwaves when the nightbrain
gives Hieronymus Bosch a run for his guilders.

And schitzy Mitzy died soon after you,
Heather, of a broken hound-heart.
I wonder if for once Mitz was a mute mutt,
a deathly hushed doggy,
pining like Greyfriars Bobby,
till Boxing Day when they discovered your body.

St.John's Wort, Seroxat,
a lightbox for your S.A.D.
A camomile welcome,
last blim and sympathy.
Years since your suicide,
even more years since our friendship died,
but might I one last time cadge of you,
Heather Fishwick,
this time your forgiveness
for my selfish youthful silybum blindness
to the milkthistle of your humane kindness?

i am a mess of
open wounds and
needles that have
never sewn

sometimes i still find
string and knots in (the) places
i tried to tug shut-
but ended up ripping

there's still
from when i tried to cleanse
myself from you,
hurt too much to continue,
and left myself

so i'm still here
letting my veins cry and
my scabs heal over,
my a hole where my
heart should be,
and no band-aids to fix

i baked a cake today and my parents dont love me. this is from 2-3 months ago but i finally tweaked it and wanted to post
#broken   #cry   #hurt   #bleed   #skin   #rip   #wound   #heal   #needles   #knots  

On the day that you died,
I looked for you.
On the sidewalk,
In the house,
but I could not find you.

When the sun kissed the sky,
I looked for you.
In the clouds,
In the blue,
All around,
but I could not find you.

When tears fell from my eyes,
I looked for you.
And in my heart,
is where I found you.

For my Dad, 3/16/77 - 12/19/16
#love   #heartbreak   #poem   #life   #death   #tears   #lost   #nature   #dad   #rip  
Mar 6

hey my little angel,
how're you doing
haven't seen you in a while
hope I've made you smile

hey my little angel,
how're things from above
do you feel what I believe
do you see what I've achieved

hey my little angel,
things just aren't okay
I keep thinking it'll get better
but instead it's all the same

hey my little angel,
will you recognize me
when I meet you someday
in your land far, far away

hey my little angel,
make me see
show me the light
I won't give up the fight

#rip   #missyou   #loveyou  

Wrists made out of pencils,
A will made out of steel.
Blood and teeth amongst the tiles,
Was he ever even real?
Resisting cruel hands,
Left his words where they are.
He jumped out of the window,
Rather than stay and spar.
He could've stayed among the flesh,
But his bones snapped on stone.
Did he really choose to die?
Did he jump or was he thrown?

#in   #the   #james   #rip   #catcher   #rye   #castle  

And so, she said

"There will be pain tonight,
an unbelievable amount of pain
that not even the stars know as they supernova,
that not even the earth knows
as it's land is torn in two by quakes,
that not even the sky knows
as it is ripped apart by lightening.
It is a pain that is unleashed from the very depths of the soul
and leaves the thinnest traces of its mark
on the exterior of the human body.

"It is a constant torrential downpour,
a constant tsunami of grief;
it is a pain that will be known
by the most fearsome of men.
It is a wrath that lashes its victims,
leaving nothing in its remains."

#pain   #stars   #sky   #earth   #rip   #depth   #lightening   #supernova   #unleash   #quake  
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