he didn't listen to me
i said no
i said no

i'm dirty
clean me

i plead
i said no
i promise i said no

i can't breathe

the memories come at odd moments
#ptsd   #blame   #trauma  
Dreaming Liza
Dreaming Liza
1 day ago

No thing grows,
No bird flies.
Flowers- they shrivel;
Die in my mind.

Dark as night,
Quiet like fear.
Terrible as monsters;
All pain resides here.

Warmth isn't found,
Light is scarce.
Silence stabs ears
Like a dagger's pierce.

The toxic air,
The deadly sand.
You haven't guessed?
I am the wasteland.

March 25, 2017.
Rhyme scheme: second and last line end rhyme. Stanza one and three: near-rhyme. Stanza two and four: rhyme.
#depressing   #suicide   #sad   #pain   #death   #die   #flowers   #darkness   #trauma   #wastaland  
Winter Raven
1 day ago

Please come back
I loved you
Your never ending energy
Your lack of fear
The optimistic way you looked at the world

But you died
He killed you
And I was all that remained

I tried to hold on
Protect you
Find a way for you to stay
But everything I did only added to your pain

You left the day we met him
Both of us tried to hold on
But he gave up on you
And before I knew it you were gone
Everyone​ said I changed
But couldn't they see?
It was never me, it was you.

Now I'm here in your skin
Trying my best
We may be the same
But we're not
I failed

There's a lot more to the world
Than what meets the eye
Physical intimacy laced with
Eradicating emotion
There's no time in the universe
In which peace can be acquired
The day the earth stands still
Is the day we know what comes next
In a memory flashing by your mind
Just sputtering through the motions
But suddenly you're caught in derealization
And you can hear her voice again
Clear as wedding bells
A young girl reading sermons
To a man passed out drunk, and the woman who made him that way
I was just 4 when I first tasted beer
And I vomited all over myself
I was just 8 when I first tasted liquor
And I don't remember much else
Chicken wings with candles
And the songs my mother used to sing to me
The way she'd crawl in bed with me
In times of drunken solitude
Ungrateful cunt of a daughter
Who should've been aborted,
Well I tried, mama, I tried
Now that you're gone and you are nothing more than ashen memories
I look at you in your black box prison
With your name pasted to the front
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways I don't feel alive.
The way you screamed for help at the top of the stairs
And he's shoving he's pushing and you can't run
And I'm still here
And I'm still here fighting him away
He says he can't sleep in beds without you anymore
And coming home from 2nd grade
Police badges light up the front porch
And they're shoving you they're pushing and you can't run
And you're in handcuffs
And his arm is bleeding
the young man told me I was not alone
And falling apart on your floor
At a ripe 5 years old
And I'm crying I'm sobbing and you don't care
And I scream
And you don't love me anymore
The piano goes quiet
And after grandpa died
she took all his medicine
Muscle relaxers and pain killers and the daily booze
And anger
And she screamed at the walls she called god
For taking her children away
It was her all along
I do not hold grudges
But it took you dying for me to hold that promise
It took you dying for forgiveness
The family shuns me like how they did you
Black sheep we are
Your ashes lay on the table beside my bed
With fake vanilla candles that light up all kinds of colors
And I tell you all the ways I have already died
I tell you all the ways that I do not feel alive.

Mar 16

I was so sure
You would help me bloom
But where you planted my seeds
The soil was never watered and
Instead of growth
I never breathed

#love   #abuse   #flower   #bloom   #trauma   #soil  
Mar 14

sometimes I look at myself in the mirror
and wonder what happened to the woman
I was supposed to be
I used to be

I struggle to understand how traumatic events change us
because I feel like I am a still that person
I want to be that woman
I still have the same aspirations
want to do a lot of the same things
only, now, the fear is there
and despite all the help
all the drugs to numb the mind
and ease the pain
I am still afraid
and I am still
not the same woman I used to be
I was supposed to be

and sometimes I just take a moment
and I let myself have a moment
and I ask the universe

"How the fuck did this happen?"

and I can almost see it
rearing back its beautiful head, laughing
saying, "How does it ever?"

"No one really knows, I'm afraid."

and I want to tell her
I'm afraid, too.

I wonder that Moses could counsel You
Could argue with You and You would listen
I know no other God that would allow
For argument and pleading
For His subjects to speak and be heard
Do You know my prayers, O Lord?
Even to me they’re muddled and confused
Do You know what Your daughter needs?

Lord I am afraid to be Your servant
Because the masters You gave by birth-rite
Like to pull out the costumes and play
But to answer my confusion, they explain everything,
Their words and actions by saying, “WE ARE GOD.”
You said, “I AM WHO I AM.”
They are not who they are.

Send some rain?  Would You send some rain?
‘Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again –
And Your daughter cries out for Your direction,
Discretion, and mercy.  There is no light
To lead me out of the dark
I have lost my way and am afraid
To search lest the way home …
Lead to them.

My sanity is not what it used to be, Lord.
Gentle kindness shushes me into quiet
But cannot soothe away the cracks in my brain.
She fears for her sanity but I wonder at mine
Contemplate how much sick I won’t be able to drain
From my cranium even when my body is aged
And legality bids me crawl out of this house to bitter freedom.

I am so tired, Lord.
I forget it sometimes when I don’t slow down
And then it soaks back in and I stare and stare
And contemplate how much I don’t have
And how little I have left for them to take.
I don’t know what will make me break:
No music?  No school?  No friends?  No escape to Your safe places?
But I remind myself here and now that I have always been melodramatic –
Haven’t I, Lord?  I tell myself that to puzzle it out and stall
The choking panic and confused tears that drill into me
And scratch their way bleeding up through my throat – I am TRAPPED
But I’ve always been so silly
And they would add ungrateful and a liar
No one has the answers I cannot find the answers
Honor and obey, You said, but what if they’re wrong?
Am I right?  Am I right?!
I cannot speak cannot stand – I will melt into compliance and silence
And remind myself that I am wrong, a bad daughter
That I am above myself and that’s it’s just all in my head –
But the cycle will continue.

Lord, I’m so tired –
Of hopelessness and not planning for a future because
I don’t think I have one
I’m tired –
Of self-inducing apathy as a cure to panic like it were a drug
To slip into my veins till my heart’s pumped it through my dulling senses
Help me, please
I haven’t felt You in so long …

On occasion, I write my prayers and solicitations to God in the forms of free verse poetry.
#depression   #prayer   #god   #anxiety   #a   #to   #parents   #trauma  

i don’t want you here
i want you gone
once i wrote of demons in mirrors
and i called them myself
but trading stares with that same pair of eyes
i should have looked past
to the monsters behind the iris
and above the neck

#in   #demons   #mental   #nightmare   #my   #head   #health   #voices   #nightmares   #trauma  

The fog in my mind
Thickens with each
Thought that runs through.
The darkness seems so
Endless; like the abyss
Of the ocean was shoved
Inside my head and remained
There for the rest of my days.
It is hard to see light
Ahead of me now.
It is hard to see through
The terribly dense fog.
It is even hard to see that
Anything matters.

Especially me.

March 7, 2017.
#poem   #hate   #terrible   #depressed   #awful   #dark   #see   #fog   #selfesteem   #trauma  

Tear my heart out
As it still beats.
Take my heart from me
As it still beats...

The aching pain
Never ceases.
The unbearable trauma
Never ceases...

If I had a choice
I'd choose death.
If you asked me
I'd choose death...

No more pain,
No more ache,
No more trauma,
No more me,*
That's what I need...

#love   #pain   #sadness   #death   #sorrow   #jealousy   #heartache   #trauma  
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