(sorry, but not sorry)

There once was a potato plant,
(Because potatoes grow on plants...)
This plant harvested baby potatoes.
This was no ordinary potato plant, however,
It was SPECIAL!

Anywho, the plant grew several baby potatoes,
Who were harvested and shipped on a crate to a grocery store
in a cold, dark shipping truck.
The potatoes, they weren't scared! Yah know why? Simple.
Because Potatoes don't have FEELINGS!

....but if they did....they'd be scared. Take my word for it.

The potatoes arrived at the store and were bagged, ready for purchase. They sat together in a pile for hours,
thinking about (but not thinking about) what would happen in the future, why they were in this bag, UNTIL, UNTIL a homeless man (he looked homeless) reached into the bag, pulled out a single spud, and RAN! Out the store, down the street,
HE WAS OUTTA THERE! BYE-BYE SUCKERS!

Well, on his way to.... wherever he was going, he fell and dropped it. That's what stealing does to yah.
It rolled into an abandoned alley, far away from the man's sight. He couldn't stop and look for it, because he was being chased, so he ran away sourly, the potato being left cold and alone, without it's family to be piled up motionlessly beside it.

This potato was different. Unlike it's family, it could feel,
it could think and understand, even without knowing language at all, it's like the potato just knew everything and anything, without a purpose. And, another thing.
This potato, it was hungry. Very hungry.

Only hours later (again)
A parentless child walked the streets, searching for something to eat. They hadn't eaten in days. Of course, the child found the battered potato on the ground,picked it up and smiled.
It was the end of the potatoes life cycle, it seemed.
Or...was it? Seconds until the end, seconds until facing the terrifying wrath of the human's sharp, untaimed teeth, seconds until it got to see if there was a potato heaven or not, JUST SECONDS, something changed.

The spud; it grew. No, it didn't grow in size, but it did grow a mouth, and arms. And it could scream. Oh God, yes, it could wail like no tomorrow, so, quickly adapting to it's new form; it yelled ****** ******. The child threw it at a wall, screaming and running away.

..... Silence from the potato.
Sadly, it could withstand the grasp of a sweaty, homeless dude,
it could bare the growing silence from it's siblings,
it could even dodge the teeth of a starving ape!

But the potato was no match for a wall.
Mashed potatoes for dinner it is.

When we finally got there,
you said that you had never been.
You are wrong.

Because on one July 22,
we all sat in the harsh light,
excited about the coming week.

You had great colorful plans.
You made me laugh.
I wrote about you.
I didn't know anything then,
but I know now that was the first time you made me smile.

But now as we filter in,
alone and in the dark,
we sat on opposite sides of the couch.

I hardly made eye contact.
I wish I tried to read you.
All I know is that you sat motionlessly,
hands in your lap,
for once kept to yourself as I slowly peeled back my cuticles.

I just remember staring at your sweater,
I thought it was funny how much it looked like mine.

Two months ago I just wanted your arm around me.
Today I wish I didn't squeeze so hard.

I realized that for the first time,
I'm no longer craving your fingers dancing across my spine.
I'm no longer craving you.

I soil the un-rippled surface as I break through it. I feel the cold water touching every inch of my numb body. As the water envelopes me, I sink.
Without a care I motionlessly fall. Staring at the once close surface of the water, now slowly getting farther from my reach.
Every second that passes a twinge of pain slices in my chest. A feeling of regret. Every second that I sink down into this oceans deep, dark, un explored grounds I get farther away from the chance of changing my mind. But I am sure of myself.
At least I was when I jumped.
My eyes scan the last of the light that I see coming from the surface of this endless water. My lungs begin to scream for air. My body is tempted to thrash around and panic, but in my mind I am as calm as ever.
Still, slowly sinking. Little bubbles begin to escape my mouth without my condolence. I watch as some of the little bubbles make their way up to the surface, dancing a sick dance of victory.
I being too slowly fade in and out of my thoughts. More bubble escape. I become more aware of  the cold water that surround me.
Caressing my bare skin, calming me. Holding me. Doing what no one ever did.
In my last seconds of life I look around in the dark water unable to make out what I see and I silently say my goodbyes to the only thing in my company, the vast ocean.

oh, violet,
where have you gone?
i miss you.
stars still enliven the shadowy night sky,
but those far-reaching streaks of lavender
escaped
the evening’s backdrop
before I could engrave them into my memory.
the snug, lilac comforter on my own bed
no longer a safe haven,
a rigid, metal cage,
trapping me within my midnight hallucinations.
eyes close over and over again,
yet i can’t find a way to escape
from the pale, mauve speckles
that dotted your brown eyes
whenever the moonlight shined down on them.
oh, violet,
where have you gone?
i miss you.
i followed your footsteps,
etched into the remains of my heart,
repaired so below par with the thinnest papier-mâchéu.
but they only led me to a solemn place
where no soul had ever set foot.
faultless, pallid fingertips
trace over deep, orchid indentations of your name,
carved heavily into the walls,
framing my hiding place,
wholly staining your acrid touch into yet another expanse of myself.
every last brush of skin on the hard plaster,
sent me searching, further and further away from you.
laying motionlessly,
overtaken by worn-down gusts of yesterday’s altitudes.
oh, violet,
where have you gone?
i miss you.
daybreak sun rises,
somber shades of purple escape from the horizon.
i haven’t slept a second,
for i fear the dark purple tint that lies behind my eyelids.
light pours through thin cracks of closet doors,
yet the illumination fails to cast shadows off your rigid silhouette .
oh, violet,
where have you gone?
i miss you.
i miss you.

The rolling hills in meditation, stand still
under the ultramarine blue skies,
they brood over ocean depths
see visions of dolphins' dance and sword fishs' fight;
in a flash, the hills dive like a blue whale
in to the deeps of profoundly tranquil.

marvel, isn't it? not even a note uttered,
the symphony of cosmic music
spreads its waves, embrace
heaven and earth in one sweep,
motionlessly in a dance within.

Motionlessly sitting
Quietly thinking
Head rested on my desk
I put my fears to the test

No thoughts come to me
Compelling advisers look at me
Try not to stare,
Look down and play with my hair.

I burp subliminally.
I smell blood
and coiled in it
was half of my soul.
I grasp to it,
hope I don't breed,
not that anyone will take
any interest in me.

Suffer the abnormalities
of the world so far behind.
Contrary to popular belief,
I was no one special.

So walk for disaster,
smile slyly for ever and after.
No one could be a more
perfect match
than me and your mother.

There she was... In the arms of my sister-in-law
Peaceful and quiet, oblivious to my flaws.
A daughter, a new born, a stranger to this world
Bright, lovely, and beautiful, even when she wiggled and curled.
I froze, I didn't dare to take a step closer to my niece
For her father was my brother, he trusted me the least
I feared him, I thought of him as a king, and I as his slave
My eyes surrender themselves to the ground, my hands folding to behave.
My ears awakened by the small bursting cry of hunger
My eyelids raised to get a quick glimpse of the little light, but every moment got harder.
I tried to ignore the small frail infant, but it's match of fire kept on trying to set flame to my charcoal heart
My brother's hawk eyes dashed to me, tightly swaddling his piece of art.
My shadow colored claws dug into my waist as my pupils refused to obey
My soul was peeling as he got up and insisted that I sat down, he knows I've been lead astray.
I shook my head, the prideful side of me afraid to hold the young one who knew no knowledge
Like a wipe, his finger in a flicker pointed to the seat again. I had a choice, to listen or jump off the edge.
My conscious gave up and was force to yield.
I saw my hands shaking, my wounds now unhealed
I sat in the gray leather chair, my sense devoured in one swallow
I raise my head, my fedora blocking the ceiling lights, my mind forced to follow
The instructions of him "Put your arms out." was his command
I did.... but like the speed of a bullet, my arms shot back, crying was in demand.
I feared him, I feared her, I feared them all. For I was a disgrace, a mockery of the them all.
For I knew I was so unworthy to receive such an opportunity after such a fall.
I shook my head, I could feel every bone trapped under my skin crack and snap with every breath I harshly inhaled.
Did I dare waste a moment like this? Do I wish to refuse this chance to hold something so pure. My selfishness had to bale.
I release my numb and limb arms out into the strange open air
I still had no desire to hold her, but what other opportunity would I have to be fair.
When She was gently set into my arms, I felt a bullet of instant regret, but then things calmed down as her reached out and touched me...
My tears ran down her light, soft, pink finger as she made a faint joyful sound of rest. My soul still didn't believe...
My eyes blinked motionlessly, starring into her darling little face.
I trembled, scared that I would be a failure once again to the young innocent trace.
But her little smile... It had... removed the tar from my beating ticker...
I embraced her closely, crying into her petal like chest that was covered in a blanket, my tears got thicker...
Within seconds, I whispered into her sensitive fragile ear
My wishes.... my dreams.... my pleas.... and my fears...

"Please...please love me... I might have been a failure to them... but please... don't make me a failure of you... help them to trust me again... help them to love me again... I am sorry....so so sorry... please... I know I'm selfish... so prideful... but please... embrace me... forgive me... I swear.... I am trying...I..i a..am....tr...tryi...trying..."

I Love You Lily... Thanks for Everything...
*For through you... The Lord has unblinded me from my bright reality...

I sit, motionless, a gormless look across my face.
Mouth open, eyes empty, staring at nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Bored beyond the point of no return,
Just letting eternity slowly, very slowly pass by.
It never does.
The teacher tells us to work, but gives us no indication of how.
You can’t do something with nothing.
The clock hands finally move.
Everyone adjusts their eyes.
I am sure every minute takes at least five.
Awkward silence is disturbed by the occasional passing of a page.
Nobody bothers to show an interest in anything except the time.
I begin to wonder if both my watch and the clock are broken.
Highly unlikely.
Whispers are engulfed by orders of silence.
The hypocritical teacher has an everlasting throat tickle.
The minute hand doesn’t move this time,
For time has finally stopped.
I motionlessly sit, wishing, praying that the silence would be broken.

darting eyes seek recognition
as strange color patterns
give the sky an eerie green glow
what should be cloud bodies
look more like 3rd grade
geometry projects –
noiseless ground squishes underfoot
resembling a velvet trampoline
with crystalline structures jutting up
lacking gravity, they start small
then expand and branch out
looking like manicured Arborvitae’s
flipped upside down,
planted,
and painted with black glitter –
a low meandering whistle
travels near my ear canal
causing a Pavlovian right turn
strained neck muscles bring attention
to the fact I have been motionlessly staring
for what seems an eternity…
in an instant I see something
through the atmosphere;
an oddly familiar object
of the slightest faintest blue –
My eyes snap open
and the clock reads 2:57 a.m.
again
….am I being abducted? –

Cast iron clouds call their brushed allegiance to the age-clad masonry.
Whilst the mangled percussion of the infants' school bickers
with the soft tones of the older boys' band.
Still their sound is drowned by the whistling wind,
carrying parents' pleas that it's time to leave,
as the small groups crawl through the churchyard.
In a mossy corner, the window-man clatters,
with his brushes and buckets at the side of the oak shaded vicarage.
A scarf slides from an old man's neck
whilst he motionlessly salutes the monument;
his medals are dull in the lacklustre light.
But for all that's here, there's one thing not,
where I sit by this silent 'here lies' spot.

Okay, I'm feeling a bit poetic so won't you humor me for a second?
Now if I
were to embed these painful words so deep into your mind
with such a powerful sting that would bring tears to your eyes,
tell me, baby, what would be your first perception of me?
Because I assure you, I'm nothing you've ever seen
and I am nothing you wish to meet.
& these voices are telling me that you and I are are forbidden.
But at the same time I'm sitting here wishing
that maybe someday forbidden won't be so much of a set back
but more of a chance to keep our hearts on track.
And as we lie motionlessly in the midst of the night
I hear our hearts race;
BOOM BOOM like thunder
in unison as, I,
the storm that will wash away the brightness in those eyes
is approaching your bed side.
As I listen to you breathe, I grow still.
Because at that moment, I realize that your beauty is astonishing.
I panic. I panic like I always do when I see your face in my dreams.
Because in my dreams, you and I are together.
And we both know, thats what we want but we're too afraid to reach for it.
So we reach for the wrong things, the wrong people, to fill this void.
But little do we know darling, these things will only deepen
this void.
So tell me, where do we go from here; I'm clueless.
Because despite my introduction, I am fear.
Not fearless.

a cloud of smoke fills the air in a patio filled with laughter
friends circle round as we being to **** the dark green grass
fire rise up as he inhales the smoke from the long glass stem
he holds it in until his lungs collapse
then spews it from his mouth like a dragon breathing fire

a long pause fills the air until his lips form a grin
and we knew that his experience would being
he screams out laughter like a hyena breathing nitrous oxide
his eyes shift back and forth as he barley holds himself
he stops with total control
**** he says

I could feel all eyes staring me down as I look down at this magic bottle
a bottle that will send me past reality
that will push the envelope of my mind's customary perception
and show me things that I couldn't even dream of
far past my imagination
I inhale

my vision shook
and my fingers twisted
I began to sink into chair that I sat in
I could feel waves
waves coursing thought my entire body
and I felt jiggly like jello

I burst into the sky
flying through the inner tubes that hung their motionlessly
I felt the scratches of rubber
and still heard the laughter of children
but they were no where to be found

some how I ended up in my chair
still sitting there
with a river of drool hanging from my gaping jaw

the sky began to sway back and forth
like waves in the ocean
I reached for the sky saying I want to swim in the ocean
the harder I tried the more it pulled me away
until the ocean disappeared
and I was left sitting there
next to my friend saying

*pass me the pipe

Today,
at a street festival,
I watched a girl I have never met,
have never taken notice of before,
dance for about an hour.

I sat there,
begging God for the courage to get up
and dance alongside her.

After more than a few chance eye contacts
I decided to not look away when she looked at me.
Not missing a beat or a step we held one another's gaze
for a while.

Spinning and smiling she motionlessly
and wordlessly
beckoned me forth.

Denying myself a simple pleasure of
human interaction
and dancing, I remained seated.

After everyone had left,
and the band had stopped playing,
there, in the middle of the street she stood standing.

There, under the orange glow of the streetlights
atop a small coffee table
I sat, imagining her reflection in my eyes.

If God would ever be so generous as to allow it,
I would do it different.
I would dance next to her and then with her.

If God would ever be so generous as to allow it,
I would do it right.

Wilting roses scattered across a broken sea
What I would give to have you next to me
Motionlessly drifting, breaking down the last door of sanity
The final solution. To cut off all ties to the unknowingly accused
A corrupt judge refuses bail
The jury has been overruled
A longing within writing
A means to an end
new heart aspires
So this one is dead
With the fragments of time
Nothing could have changed
Taking solace within the plume that is sadness
A sparkle of hope, exists within indecision
This is my omen
This is your hope
Bring me strength, laying in a basket
An unavoidable fall
Time has it's place, wearing away at that infinite
Causing pain as it tears at our hearts
Bring me to the blackness
Leave me in the light
Ground up this feeling
Start anew
Leave all regrets

Break away

Tears soak the shreds of my heart
Falling from the eyes of my soul
Washing clean blood strains,
Of yesterday's wreckage

Our love life, a lost ship
Amidst the vast open sea
Strongly surviving countless storms
Until last night, when all changed

The night was beautiful,
A hollow moon and infinite stars
God's magnificent work of art,
Till when clouds swam in, and covered all

Lightening struck in every direction
And the god of thunder yelled with rage,
Calling forth the typhoon of the western Pacific
Stirring violently, dark clouds

The goddess of the sea raised her tides,
To height like one of the sky,
And then, slammed them onto our deck,
Sinking us into the deep waters

I thought we were dying,
Watched you drop motionlessly
As my eyes shut slowly,
At our ending life together

And yet, opening once again,
To a clear blue sky,
And your beautiful face,
Smiling back at me

Is it a next life?!
Cause I so desire to live with you
So you place your lips onto mine
Kissing them softly

To which I know,
That life, has for sure blessed me with another chance
To create more memories with you
On this lost island,
Where our ship wrecked

The morning light came streaming in.
I felt the weight of his arm over my chest locking me in.
I could still feel the trail of soft kisses tracing the nape of my neck.
My mind was occupied by his ink stained skin, His dark complexion and His thick black hair.
While he laid there motionlessly in the depth of his dreams,
I could still feel his fingers lingering over my skin.
In an attempt not to wake him, I rolled over to gaze at a figure so close to a God that I felt over whelmed.
I felt so insecure.
How could a man of such brilliance sleep with a girl like me.
I laid there, staring back at a strong man whom loved me so graciously the night before.
I breathed in and savoured every second,
Trying my best to create a never ending moment.
A moment that would last ever.
Because I feared that I might never get to see this perfect still life picture again.

Secreted away in my den of peace,
Blissfully falling into an undisturbed sleep.

Cocooned in toasty linen blue sheets,
Descending into deep serenity.

The earths landscape stands statuesque and still,
Long-limbed branches motionlessly tranquil.

A heady winters breeze filled with festive pleasantries,
The moon adorned with a crisp angelic glow.

Charcoal clouds cruising across the hushed atmosphere,
A transient moment free of stress and fear.

A night filled with harmony and content,
Shielding against any form of threat.

Ever walk into the dark hoping you'd get grabbed?
Ever held a knife's blade dreaming of the stab?
Visioning all that's wrong,
And all the ways to make them right.
Staring into the night sky waiting for the first glimpse of light.
Suddenly the light hits you,
The moment you look away.
Reveling all the scars,
Reminding you of the old days.
Each one of them was painful.
Each one of them made me smile.
Now I wait to be finished off,
Covered in oil,
Ready for the fire.
When I ignite my eyes will be on the night,
Standing there motionlessly on fire.
The unending pitch black night sky won't look as bad,
As the smoke raises higher.

This is my revision of the dark,
Picture a fire in a park.
Peaceful,
Indifferent,
Ignored by all.
A child watching,
Holds her doll.
And in her eyes,
There is the sun.
And the revision,
Has begun.

Your chalky eyes
read my chapped lips
as words tumble from my tongue
like a sickness

Your wryly fingers
Trace shapes against your knee
Like a spider stitching it’s web
And my voice cracks

Your closed lips
sit motionlessly on your face
like art in a gallery
and I am a sellout

Your destructive neglect
Weighs my tireless breath
And I am screaming now,
“I need your help,”

Your eyes glaze over
As your fingers drum
And your lips purse
And I am nowhere to be found

I need you far away from me
I want love as vibrant as can be
I need a shelter from the storm
I want a set of arms to keep me warm

Not yours,
No, not yours
I tried my best to please you
But you still shoot your words like bullets
Isn't that true

You shoot me in the heart
But that was only the start
You shoot my pride
You made me want to run and hide

You shoot me in the head
Just with the simple words you said
You shoot me to end it all
But never let me take that final fall

You mistreated me over and over
You abuse me time and again
Your words hit like a stone to glass
Yet your fists stayed quiet
like a student in class

You butcher me
Motionlessly
You ended me
So emotionlessly

I took all the of the abuse
I let you hit me for the simplest of bad news
You hit me with your words
Yes you did !!

"Stop!"
I would shout every once in a while
"Stop please, I don’t want to fight!"
And you’d just smile
You made me think there was light

But that’s when the belt left your waistline
That’s when you said I had to pay my outdated fine

My fee for standing up
My fee for even looking up
My fee for trying to be free
My fee for attempting to flee

So I felt the sting across my back
I felt the buckle that made contact
I felt the whips, as my soul left me
I felt myself take my last breath while he chocked me.

- E. A. F

I saw you lying motionlessly on the hospital bed,
Why couldn't you have me there instead!
My heart spoke a thousand words that day,
Hoping it would make your pain go away.
How can my heart feel so hurt,
I feel like you left me stranded, in the dirt.
Something feels incomplete for me,
I'm heartbroken, you see.
Why did you suddenly have to go,
Yet suffered so much pain, much too slow.
Where did you go,
How will I know?
You were fine when I was there for you,
But when I left, it couldn't be true...
You will never know,
How much I've loved you so.
We didn't see each other much,
But we always kept in touch.
You will never understand,
I can't even even hold your hand.
I can't make your heart warmer today,
Because you disappeared in the mist of day.
I don't understand...
I will never understand...
But at least you are no longer in pain,
Yet I will never see you again.
You changed my life forever,
You were the sweetest grandma ever.
I feel the need to run,
Now that your pain is done.
I loved you more than anything from the start,
For you have been something really special,
Deep inside in my heart.

RIP Grandma <3

Floating
Bubbles rising to the surface
Echoing in the silent landscape
The body moving perpetually
Poison spreading through the body
The body tearing apart from its center
Quietly
Lifelessly
Motionlessly

I loved being me,
I liked knowing where the boundaries
Between myself and others were.
Lord Apollo has no boundaries,
Especially not with women.
Can you blame me for running from him?
Big game hunter,
Bright like the sun,
Widely praised as having
The most fabulous hair?
When he met me, he said
"I'm Apollo,"
And that's it.
He looked at me expectantly,
I barely knew what he wanted.
He was trying to bleed over into me,
And I'm not into that.
Yeah he knows what people think of him,
And he agrees,
And I don't know if I want
To hang out
With people who don't know others' worth
As well as their own.
Lord Apollo doesn't,
Cause he's chasing me like I'm a deer,
Worth a trophy,
Like the ones that line Zeus' banquet hall.
No thanks,
I'll have no part of
Motionlessly
Watching over others' happiness
For eternity.
He's still behind me when I turn to look back,
And he keeps shouting out the name of love,
But it's Ares' eyes,
Not Aphrodites',
That I see leering at me through the trees.
This isn't courting,
This is a War of Attrition.
He'll chase and he'll chase even if,
At the end,
He'll only have caught up to my dead body,
Stretched out in exhaustion,
Tongue lolling out.
No matter, he'll just
Hoist me up by the antlers
And take a picture.
I call out to my father,
Because who else do we trust to
Run off our unwelcome suitors?
He says there's little he can do
To curb the lust of a man who so outranks him.
Because that's all that matters among men, right?
So I say "what's the little you can do?"
And he says,
"Fight fire not with fire,
But with the things that grow plants:
Water, time, and patience."
And I feel a seed sprout in my stomach.
Yes!
Trees are notoriously unfuckable!
I still have to outrun Apollo for a little while,
But the transformation is already starting,
And what's a better way to evade ****,
Than  just not being a woman?
It's getting hard to run,
My lungs are already wooden,
And when my knees bend, they creak.
I have to stop now or I'll certainly crack and break,
But it feels lovely to take root,
Feet pushing down into the soil and
Becoming feet no more.
Oh, but here comes Apollo,
And he melodramatically sighs,
"Oh! To behold the transformation that now
Ends your lovely life!"
What a stupid person,
I'm not ending,
I'm becoming.
He's finally caught me,
And for a few seconds,
Flesh touches flesh,
But, thankfully,
I become a tree before he can get a ***** in.
I settle into the bark walls I have made part of myself,
And get ready to eat sunlight for a near eternity.
If I still had a face, it would be smiling,
That is,
Until Lord Apollo,
His most highly unsubtle deer-mangler,
Rips a ******* limb off of me.
Now my consciousness is split
Between myself the tree,
And myself, the laurel wreath trophy,
Which Lord Apollo wears,
And Heroes, in his name, wear.
Oh, I should have known that to
Him
And men like him,
Whether I was a woman or a tree did not matter,
They only wanted to use me,
And they were Hellbound to find a way.

She blows the soft smoke gently away
sitting on her windowsill, the third floor
the darkened horizon melts drowsily
leaving its mysteries to her own heart
as it is not full enough of the madness

She rises slowly with the sweet smoke
turning her head towards the mirk sky
what is there to see, in her own world
closing the eyes to travel infinitely far
as the honey is melting in the tepid tea

She throws her glass of wine away
she smiles and cries as nobody sees
the darkness, deep and cruel but sweet
as is her heart, dark, but yet so soft and kind
painful and hateful, yet so loving and forgiving
mad and crazy but so deeply understanding

Why only the crescent comprehends
only the stars listen to the quiet melody
the songs of love and pure wistfulness
she knows everything but is scared of living
as the world is not kind, instead, it is cruel
the fear, the unknown, the failure of life itself

She puts her finger in the darkened wine
and draws a line on the wall with blood
enjoying the sadness and loving to hate
She likes to be alone, alone, sweet world
You, always alone in your deeds and thought

She sees from far, a distant closeness engulfs
only art saves the heart, only beauty consoles
the crescent starts to fade slowly and softly
many of the clouds swim towards their path
covering the moon and leaving her lying

Withering away as in the mind of destruction
where everything can make a nest within itself
she lies there motionlessly, silently, calmly
listening to every sound her heart whispers to her
as the music starts to play in her head of frenzy

She lived once but not anymore, as all fades
where does this crippling melancholy lead to
the stars never wrote a script for the existence
but they gave the mind a code to decipherer
as they gave the heart a wisdom to learn from

She pours the sweet Bordeaux in front of her
gulping in sips, turning her head, staring ahead
all is sweet, all is beauty, all is art if only you see
shadow the pain and leave it intact for the truth
as the time flows between her fingers to eternity

blue green hypnotic muses pass through
the spindles of time tightly squeezed to
minuscule bits that cast themselves so weightlessly
across our minds with recollections that
sputter to an abrupt stop

here in repose, motionlessly we arch our touch
to grasp any filament that can light our heavens
the ones we secretly crush on our pillows
as we usher in the peaceful times to journey
the dark crystal studded universe of our
nights seeing the wonders and urgings
of travels to mysterious contraband landscapes
and lush ***** paradises lined up in perfect
latitudes... tangents and twists and turns
solemn stirrings and lineages that have engulfed
all thought... all pleasure... all measures
and why not... check cashed... funds paid!.

Glaring at the pain-inspiring screen
Trying to come to terms with what I see
Motionlessly soaking in
As my mind tries to deceive itself
while filling itself with doubt, regret
and remorse

The tears begin to gather
and stream down the valley of my face
Dampening my shirt
and shattering my heart
Failing to breath
I am unable to look anywhere else
Staring uncontrollably
and trying to come up with some explanation

I see it before me
but am not able to accept it

Why did this happen
What did I do to deserve this

Hours later
Laying in my bed
Unable to sleep
Cannot shake the image
of what was seen on that feed

Just a short break

Her face
besides that of another man
Has done nothing more
than obliterate my heart
and ability to put my faith in anyone

I'm nearly 20.
I thought by now I would be able to see clearly,
But it's cold outside and a little foggy,
Don't really feel in control of my life

I'm a little dizzy

I feel naive, trying to plan my life out,
Truth is those plans drive me crazy,
I'm lost in the moments of adolescence,
Makes me sick, makes me weary,
I thought my life would nourish me plenty,
Not to say I'm simply unhappy,
It's just that i can't help but think that...

Why have things turned out so differently?
What is life trying to tell me? To teach me?

I'm nearly 20.
I look like a delicate seed but feel like an old oak tree,
Worn in, old and bashed against the sea,
Feel like I'm drifting motionlessly,

Into that sea

The captain's dead and rafts are broken,
haven't got any sense of direction,
Wonder where i am going,
Floating in introspection,
And I just can't help but think that,

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Lost my childhood, sadly
I'd be lying if I said i haven't lost more, frankly,
But no regrets, they've shaped me into the man I am, even if it's been crazy
And i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Thought I loved him
Boy did he put me in a frenzy,
Shame you were a waste of time and money,
But I'll never forget your eyes- soft blue eyes staring at me kindly,

I found a home in them,unexpectedly,
Don't worry though, I will still be friendly,
And i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
I've not been a saint, incidentally
Realize I've made bad choices, with and without company,
Ready to put them a cemetery,
Bury them into soil and dirt,

Maybe then I can look back and feel less hurt so i just can't help but think that

Why have things turned out so differently,
What is life trying to teach me? To show me?

I'm nearly 20.
Still writing sad poetry
Listening to the same old bands,
Unfortunately,
Feel like I'm changing, not the same old me
So much more I could be,
What happens now, I don't really know,
But I'm nearly 20,
So I guess we'll see.

i think of the days when everything is calm, peaceful and serene. i think of the days when everything is chaotic, disruptive and hurtful. but mostly, i think of the days when i’m just living motionlessly. where nothing significant really happens but my heart is aching - reminiscing the memories. the laughters i took for the granted. the smiles i took for granted. the happiness i took for granted but somewhere deep in me always knew that i was bound to feel this way for a long, long time.

motionless.
my life at a standstill while everyone else have their own parties of memories while i stand here - all alone.
bitterness swarm me but i can do nothing.

motionless.
my life it seems. everything in my life.

motionless.
where i’m meant to be.