Okay before you start, I’m a lesbian.
Wow, put that straight into Paul’s knockback book.
Just didn’t want you to waste your time.
Okay, what we’ve got here is, brickwall syndrome.
Is that bad.
It is, but there’s a way through it.
There is.
Yes, what we need to do, is to create a situation.
How does that work.
Well, you pretend you want me to chat you up, but you want a great chat up line.
Sounds a bit pointless, but go for it.
You are the tea to my coffee.
Not feeling that Paul.
I can see us growing old together.
You’re right, I’m aging in front of you.
Nice one, I’m going to buy you a drink, but I don’t know your name.
Never heard that one before, I’m Candice.
No, that wasn’t a chat up line, what are you drinking.
Oh sorry, you got me there. Gin and tonic.
Right, back to my lines. You are the chalk to my cheese.
Never a truer word said Paul.
I saw you across the room, and I just had to speak to you.
Oh, I like that Paul. that would do it.
Well Candice I think my work here is done.
Can I ask you a stupid question.
Sure, go for it.
You do know this is a lesbian bar.
Can’t say anybody told me Candice.
It’s not written in stone, people just know it as such.
Does that mean I’ve tarnished your reputation.
Well I did get dumped last week.
Me too, fill me in then.
Would you believe she said I was selfish.
Looking at my glass Candice, I’m sort of agreeing with her.
Is that a hint you want a drink, even though the gentleman is supposed to buy them.
Nice one miss selfish, you’re enhancing your reputation.
Okay, same again. Why did a great guy like you get dumped.
I couldn’t explain the situation I was in at that particular moment in time.
You mean she found you bed with another woman.
Yeah, her sister.
That’s shocking, so how are you just not going out with the other sister.
Well.
You were going out with the other sister, weren’t you, I’m seeing a new side to you Paul. Hopefully being double dumped will teach you a lesson.
It has, I’m talking to you.
Well in that case, god is definitely punishing you.
You might be right Candice. I think in our next date, you should use your best chat up lines to cheer me up.
You kidding, you’ll try to turn me straight.
No I’ll leave that to the third date.
Do you know something, I think I’ve moved into the twilight zone.
Great isn't it, just think, half an hour ago you were expecting some super model to sweep you off your feet, and now you’re talking to me.
I know, I don’t know if I feel sorry for me, or feel sorry for you.
We’re being punished Candice for being bad.
Excuse me Paul, I don’t think being selfish is in the same bracket as double cheating.
In a way it is, I’m with a beautiful woman i can’t do anything with, how selfish can life get.
Never looked at it that way, I’m feeling all apple crumble now.
Is that lesbian speak for I’m a pudding.
Jesus, do you know you have a great capacity for lifting people, then dropping them again.
That’s my cack handed way of saying I like you.
You’re still not turning me straight.

                                  TEN YEARS LATER.
Was there ever a time I could’ve got you into bed.
Yes, all the times I got dumped and cried on your shoulder.
What, you might have said something.
I couldn’t, I was too busy listening to your perils of wisdom. You always built me up and sent me away in a better frame of mind.
Are you due to get dumped anytime soon.
No, no, and no. I’m in love. Plus you wouldn’t want to bed me, it would spoil our crazy relationship.
That’s true, plus I don’t fancy you anymore.
Yeah right, bet if I said do you want to go to bed, you would jump at the chance.
I wouldn’t, I respect you too much.
Right, I’m going to get naked, I’ll be in bed waiting for you.
( Finally. )  Why aren't you naked, and sort of waiting.
So you thought you’d try a little reverse psychology did you, Thought I wouldn’t see through your little charade. Good try, but not good enough.
I was just buttering you up.
Still trying to straighten me out. Right, it’s our anniversary on Friday, don’t be late.
I’ll check my full diary, see if I can fit it in.
                        
                                     Anniversary Ritual.

Okay before you start, I’m a lesbian.
Wow, put that straight into Paul’s knockback book.
Just didn’t want you to waste your time.
Okay, what we’ve got here is, brickwall syndrome.
Ps, I got dumped today.

I draw a picture A simple fixture. Of two vertical bodies at vertical ends, do you see the picture. A verbal description of a beautiful beginning with each other they never felt richer, he had won her heart so I named him victor. Her heart in his hand a solid pitcher he caught it one hand.How could you not understand. One heart one hand her boy her man. He grew inside her she became his home she held her own against all kinds of foe he relished in her midst he thought love was a myth a mixture a blend of two perfect chemicals now do you see where it all began one kiss sealed her lips. The ending to many scripts and clips was the beginning to their bliss. All this because with a song she stole his heart he knew from the start she had won the part. Number one on his charts. You couldn't take her part. You couldn't keep them apart. She was the apple of his heart :)

“And in that moment she was star struck. She looked with ocean eyes to a man with a crystal heart. She knew she could never have this man, for the stars did not align. Shooting stars tingle in the hearts of these lovers, yet meteorites crash inside of their brains.”
-Candice

© 2018

The letter was a warm invitation  and a perfect getaway I needed to lay low after are  brief rise to cult status i had partaken of the
rewards of semi obscurity and had a few angry fathers searching for me.

The big apple it called to me like a stripper apon a pole demanding thats all you got is ones you cheap *******?
My true sidkick  like robin to batman just less gay and good looking.

Met me at the station  Amigo how the hell are you now were's the bar?
Drinks on you right?
Cause when your a semi celeb slash rockstar of hello why the **** should i pay.
Why should women be the only ones to walk into a bar with three dollars  in there purse and get rip roaring drunk.
Besides if i was a chick id be a **** *****.

The stage was set the bar was filled with strange sounding people
all asking my well know  brother in madness who tha  ***** this *******.
****** good man im not just any ******* im Gonzo.

Beer on another mans tab always tasted better   just remember ******
im not putting out   well unless  you ask me niceley  or pay  me
like that rich old lady used to who  also was missing her leg.

yes what memeories id slip her a mickey  rearrange her  clothes and after she woke  up tell her what a wild night we had yes i know
true romance.

BUT ENOUGH WITH THE FOREPLAY CHILDREN!

We began are quest like any other  seeing how much ***** we could
hold  till  normal people began to make sense.
I work everyday busting my freakin ***  still it aint enough Gonz.
The angry little italian man who's wallet i had borrowed said beside me.
Hey a girls gotta eat.
Dear lord man you mean you actully have to go back everyday hey is this a gold card   your worse than my wife freakin ***.
Sir you are a charmer  what angry little people  lived here.

Bill lets hit the ******* im in need of culture  and some naked women amigo  come on im  drinks are on Vinny who gives a ****.

After bill  dipped into his life savings to pay the tab we hopped
a cab headed for Manhattan  to the place  of great myths and wonder
it called to great men from arond the world to bask in its beauty.

No not the statue of the giggantic woman  with a torch although i wondred  as i stood below her ****** why cant she be wearing a mini skirt.
You gotta love a big girl  she was such a tease.

No as i stood  tears meeting my bloodshot eyes
befor the mecca  the big apple and the home  of legends and playground to the *****.

Hey get the **** outta the street *******.
It"s Gonzo  man ****** how many times do i need to repeat myself.
Scores a ******* to the rich  a fools paradise **** Disneyland.
Ive been on spacemountian most my life anyways.

As through the doors we were met by a scene of true
art much like the Mona Lisa  if she were a stripper named candice cane  in red high heels hanging from a stripper  pole.

the drinks flowed  the lap dances were well you get the point.
I realized my two drink minimum freind was a little how should i say it poetically.
******* wasted.

As he tried  to give a stripper named honey a lap dance  
never mind him ladies he's my  ******* brother.
In a plan of true drunken genius i explained he was sick and
his last wish was for his older brother to hookup with
some   hot  strippers to have  ahh  some  after hours activities  
Who's ***** bingo.
how i love  bango I mean bingo.

Tears welled up in there eyes  thank god they didnt question why my little brother was 58.
Hey there strippers  and if they  were all going to college  then
this would be a ******* library  not a high  dollar  titie bar.

Librarians with there hair up short tight skirts and glasses
i swear you get busted for  having a little alone time on a public
computer   in that over rated book store for a second time and everyone  flips ****.
Society is so judgemental  but that's another story  
and court case   away.

The plastic fake boobie women had fallin for it.
So like drunken ninjas in a fog of  dellusion and wild turkey we made are last exit to brooklyn.
  
Hey  Gonz why do these chicks keep asking how much longer do i have.
Smacking my friend swiftly in the head had drawn the attention
of the strippers away from counting there tips and comparing there fake breast.

He's got brain dammage sometimes you have to hit em in the  
head to get him unstuck  ****** just look at the poor *******
he thinks he's not sick  oh dam life i need a cuddle girls.
Bill hold the camera.

We hit my friend's apartment like tourist slipping across the boarder grabing and  consuming great amounts of ***** and some sort of white powder  must have been for allergies.

Like squirrels  on acid  running down the interstate we were  
half nuts by the time that big orange ball thats causes me to wear sunglases did appear.

The ladies who names i cant recall  but honestly who gives a ****.
were passed out in bed Bill  in the fish tank  
calling himself captian nimmo  at this point led me to belive just maybe he had  a little  to much  but theres  many pitfalls on the road to Gonzo pacman.

Few men had the liver  or insanity of your's truely.
so after i talked my  tripping amigo off the frige.
Reassuring him its okay   amigo   thats what women look like naked.

I assure you  just cause they broke theres off doesnt mean they'll do the same to yours.
****** son why have a computer if not to look at **** and read long rants by insane people who call themself Gonzo?

After are long disscussion   about good touch bad touch and happy endings  we were off  again.

                                                 Ground Zero

                                        Silence And Respect

Standing there there was a shared  moment.
And a pain any soul could feel.
It wasnt about race or religion  it was about people
we all lost that day.
John Patrick Robbins stood beside a brother without a word
said as it spoke a million feeling's to the soul.

                           No one ever truley leaves there.

At the bus station a few cocktails behind us me and the kiddster
parted slightly hung over   and strung out smelling of reckless abandon
and strippers and wild turkey.

Apon the bus sitting by the window and some large man.
Who reaked of sardines  and  resembled a  cerial ******.
yes ladies he's single  and will probaly **** ya.
Wonder why he has a hard time getting dates?

As Bill waved goobye to his demented  brother from his own planet.
I waved back saying hey amigo  is this your debit card hell no worries
i'll keep  good care of it and reward myself.

As the bus left the station  my semi ******* friend chasing behind
yelling Gonzo i'll get you for this you freakin *******.
Kidster  that hurt i yelled but not as much as it's gonna hurt you bank account cheers.

That guy in black is ******  you  better watch out he's probaly connected.
No worries my funny smelling oversized friend
so am i replied.
I have the internet as well.

Bound for parts unknown Gonzo  made many stops
and if not for legal reason's  id share most of them.
Yes as i sat apon the beach  after taking a little side trip to Florida.
Drink in hand lost in deep thought's for which i cant remember.
      
Reflecting apon my time in the big apple.
And my friend the Kiddster
A toast to my friend.
Hope you like the post card  and the three week vacation
i treated myself to.

Sorry about the whole life savings thing but
who needs to retire in there 80's  work will keep you young girlfriend.

Cheers your slightly insane friend Gonzo.

you said 'don't lie to me
i can see your eyes'

so we sat on the jeep stop and
talked about feelings i'm
not sure i had.

you wanted i cry on your shoulder
cause you knew my loss

i was unfeeling
'can't do that on demand'

but suddenly it was 9PM and i was an ugly mess
sitting on the ground smoking menthols
wondering what the **** just happened

i was always the shoulder to cry on
so yours was a foreign place

but thank you for taking me places

The  roughness signifies my pain
my struggle my Grind in this life.
One way or another I continue to climb.  
The proverbial  ladder of life!
Isn't  it amazing how our bodies can
physically  reflect our pain and Internal  wellness.
My knits and Cuts, scrapes and burns
reminds me of what I've overcome and
how far I still need to go
I take my time though and treat myself well
and learn to be gentle
*** life has a way of reflecting pain and happiness.
All u have to do is look closely.
The signs are right in your hands.

Last night I dreampt the most incredible dream
So vivid, but surely fantastic
My daughter unborn was visiting me
So timmid, yet brave and bombastic
We sat for a while, and spoke with our minds
So peaceful and exciting
Her eyes were like mine, and her soul was familiar
So conversationally inviting
Words were not needed to say what we thought
To say what was on our mind
She shared of her waiting, and her longing to be
I spoke of the passage of time
Reluctantly choosing the perfect discussion
We lovingly spoke of the future
For she is my daughter, and I am her father
But only in dreams we can nurture

THE ALLAN FAMILY STORY




YA SEE ME AND MY BROTHER WERE TEASING ONE ANOTHER AND OUR FIRST

FAMILY PET LADY GOES MISSING, AND SCHOOL KIDS SAID IT WAS WEE, BUT

IT COULD’VE BEEN PINEAPPLE JUICE, AND I STARTED UP A BOWLING LEAGUE

CAUSE I WAS GETTING SICK OF MY BROTHER BEING THE ONLY SPORTSMAN

IN THE FAMILY, SO I JOINED THE BOWLING AT THE BELCONNEN BOWL, MET

TWO NICE FRIENDS TRISTAN AND JASON LEE, I ENJOYED PLAYING WITH THEM

UNTILL A MATE GOT ME INTO HIS LEAGUE, WHERE, MY PROBLEM WITH MY BOWLING

STYLE AS A KID, I TURNED MY HAND, BUT I HAD FUN BOWLING, IT WAS GREAT

AND EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT WAS THIS BIG NIGHT, I MET CRAIG AND JODIE

WHO I DEVELOPED A CRUSH ON, BUT CRAIG SAID, SHUT UP FATTY, JODIE’S MINE

AND CRAIG AND JODIE WERE TEAMED UP WITH ME AND LYLE, YA SEE LYLE HAD POWER

AND GOT MORE STRIKES THAN ME, AND JODIE WAS A COOL, PRETTY SWEET GIRL

BUT CRAIG WANTED HER, BUT YA CAN’T BLAME A GUY FOR TRYING, AND THEN

CRAIG HAD A MATE NAMED BILL, WHO INTRODUCED TO ME AND LYLE, AND HIS KIDS

WERE SIMILAR TO BRAD, RANDY, AND MARK ON HOME IMPROVEMENT, AND I REMEMBER

WHEN I GOT A STRIKE, I CHEERED AND WHEN I MISSED I WENT OH DRATTA, AND

BILL’S KIDS, WERE PLAYING AROUND, WHILE BACK AT HOME, MY DAD, MUM AND BROTHER

WERE WATCHING THEIR TV PROGRAMS, AND AFTER I FINISHED, I PLAYED WITH

EVERY KID AT THE BOWLING ALLEY, SAYING I WILL CHASE YOU, AND THE KIDS SAID

RUN RUN AS FAST AS YA CAN, YOU CAN’T CATCH ME I AM THE GINGERBREAD MAN

AND I GRABBED ONE KID AND TOUCHED HIM INAPPRIOTELY ON THE MOUTH, AND

HE RAN TO BILL, AND BILL AND CRAIG TORE STRIPS OFF ME, I WAS SAYING

I AM A KID, JUST LIKE THEM, CRAIG SAID, SHUT UP FATTY, AND GO HOME

AND THEN I DID YMCA BASKETBALL, WITH MY BROTHER, AND HIS FRIEND

MY TEAMS WERE THE BLUE BLAZERS AND THE WANDERERS, AND EACH

TEAM WON A LOT, AND I SCARED A FEW KIDS, BUT I WAS NEVER THROWN OUT

OF THERE, I SHOWN UP THERE DRUNL ONE DAY, THE GAME WAS COOL

BUT ALL THE TOM FOOLERY, THAT WENT ON BEHIND THE SCENES

WAS WEIRD, I REMEMBER FRANK’S MATE ROBERT, HATED HOW I GRABBED HIM BY THE MOUTH

AND I WENT TO LYLE’S FLAT TO SLEEP, AFTERWARDS, TO WATCH TV

BUT I AM NOT THE KIND OF PERSON FOR SLEEPOVERS

I PREFER TO STAY AT MY HOME,

I WENT TO A LOT OF YOUNG DUDES HOMES

YA KNOW, JUST TO MUCK WITH THEM , YA KNOW GET ****** AND FUCKEN ****

MY FAMILY HAD A NEW NEIGHBOUR, THE CRABBY BUS DRIVER AND IN CAME DAVE SCHULTZ AND HIS WIFE

AND THREE KIDS, COREY, BRENDAN AND CANDICE, AND I SWUNG THEM AROUND

IN THE FRONT YARD, AND AS BRENDAN AND CANDICE CAME OVER ALL THE TIME

MUM AND DAD SAID, I DON’T WANT THESE KIDS COMING OVER ALL THE TIME

BUT THEY WERE TYPICAL PARENTS, AND ME AND PATRICK, WENT TO SEE JIMMY BARNES IN CONCERT

AND EACH NEW YEARS EVE, PAT WOULD HOST THIS GREAT NEW YEARS EVE BASH WITH US AND HIS FAMILY

SO I WAS A GREAT PERSON, BUT THERE ARE MORE GREAT STORIES FROM THE ALLAN FAMILY ARCHIVES

Fitz
Fritz
Fido
Sandy
Spencer
Chaplain
Bernard
Jesse
Snoopy
Charlie
Charles
Fred
Freddy
Bones
Remmy
Ren­a
Reno
Tony
Julian
Julie
Frisco
Meghan
Addison
Robby
Buddy
Rudy
F­riedrich
Fredrick
Bernie
Rudolph
Adolf
Ferdinand
Rose
Cassie
Cassidy
Lee
Balto
Little *****
Allen
Alvin
Jake
Demi
Randy
Alex
Richard
Alexis
Kenneth
Ken­ny
Chris
Jose
Josey
Rodger
Moe
Joe
Emilio
Walt
Emily
Emma
Maddie
­Anna
Jafar
Aladin
Jasmine
Genie
******
Amber
Gracie
Ramen
Gordy
G­ordon
Jordie
James
Bucky
Huff
Manny
Sam
Samantha
Mary
Marie
Tila
­Rita
Cathy
Tammy
Mickey
Cam
Amelia
Rene
Jeb
Dan
Bagel
Tommy
Donut­
Bubbles
Blossom
Buttercup
Mark
Cody
Andy
Cristo
Andrea
Whiskers
­Mike
Bill
Billy
George
Geo
Joy
Mitch
Trigger
Tigger
Stephen
Archi­medes
Anya
Duncan
Nitro
Crash
Bub
Crystal
Egor
Bernadette
Cammy
T­immy
Antonio
Natasha
Natalia
Ivan
Abbey
Abdul
Carly
Aaron
Omega
F­inn
Nina
Debby
Tomato
Tabby
Artie
Archie
Noah
Kyle
Alfie
Alfred
Conrad
Conner
******
G­unner
Fry
Fries
*******
Constance
Connie
Frank
Fran
Candice
D­andy
Lucy
Lou
Louis
Quincy
Doogle
Dubie
Dakota
Ace
Casey
Barry
Te­rry
Trenton
Gabe
Laurie
Cornelius
Kabob
Sky
Skylar
Rufus
Louie
Ba­rton
Kimmy
Angel
Capri
Basil
Cy
Ruby
Emerald
Eleanea
Elenor
Barth­olomew
Jazz
Dreamer
Thunder
Topaz
Amethyst
Salsa
Meril
Dodo
Toto
­Eric
Barbera
Hannah
Katie
Zoey
Ben
Pinto
Squanto
Columbus
Columbo
Porgy
Bess
Clark
Savannah
Ken­dra
Marco
Leise
Toby
Trevor
Tresten
Treven
Adrienne
Caleb
Carlyn
­Ricky
Gibby
Donny
Han
Solo
Hans
Gabby
Dirk
Spot
Sebastian
Dee
Sco­oby Doo
Shaggy
Polly
Reginald
Burger
Steak Sauce
Ethan
Bradberry
Lucky
Fergie
Cheese
Boxer
Napoleon
Snowball­
Gerald
Jeremy
Benji
Gemma
Pal
Mal
Preston
Jack
Jackson
Molly
Mac­kenzie
Alexie
Alicia
Dora
Olivia
Salvador
Beast
Beauty
Oliver
Dal­e
Rim
Marley
Diego
*****
Bobby
Ralston
Zeke
Rooney
Plato
Cole
Nep­tune
Sailor
Frida
Rico
Dali
Veronica
Victor
Copeland
Swift
Riley
­Tubs
Lassie
Yo-yo
Harvey
Lemonade
Coke
Pepsi
Tanya
Camille
Token
­Laser
Beam
Seamus
Dorthy
Ian
Moby

THE ALLAN FAMILY STORY, BRIAN WANTS TO BE AN ADULT, BUT HE;S TOO YOUNG



YOU SEE BRIAN ALLAN SINCE HE MOVED TO CANBERRA, HE HAS BEEN GETTING

VOICES IN HIS HEAD, OF HIS FAMILY AND OUTSIDERS, TREATING HIM LIKR A LITTLE

YOUNG DUDE, BUT BRIAN WAS FRUSTRATED, CAUSE, HE LIKED THE ADULTS BETTER

YOU SEE BRIAN WAS A COOL KID, BUT HIS VOICES WERE BOTHERING HIM, WHEN BRIAN

SAID I AM A MAN, HIS BROTHER WOULD SAY, SHUT UP, BABY, THEN ANOTHER VOICE SAYS

FROM AN OUTSIDER, SAYING, MEN BULLY, BRIAN, AND YOUR NO BULLY, BE LIKE USES WITH

THE YOUNG DUDES, AND BRIAN WAS UPSET, AND SAID, NO I AM AN ADULT, THERE IS NOTHING

WRONG WITH BEING AN ADULT, I WAS A COOL KID, YOU SEE, I WANTED TO BE ALLOWED TO RELAX

BUT BECAUSE MY BROTHER WAS ONLY 2 YEARS YOUNGER, HE FORCED ME TO JOIN HIM

WHICH I DIDN’T MIND, CAUSE AS I SAID, I WAS A COOL KID, YOU SEE WE PLAYED YARD CRICKET

AND FOOTBALL AND SPORTS SHOWS, AND BECAUSE OF ALL THIS, I WAS A REAL MAN, WHICH

UPSET MY PARENTS WAY OF LIFE, AND I DID THIS ALL THE WAY THROUGH MY CHILDHOOD

WITH OUTSIDERS CALLING OUT TO ME, SAYING, YOUR STILL A LITTLE YOUNG DUDE, AND

WHEN BRIAN SAID, I AM AN ADULT, THEY SAID, ADULT, ADULT, TRYING TO TAKE THE NOVELTY

OUT OF ME SAYING I AM AN ADULT, CAUSE I AM TOO WOOSEY TO BE LIKE LYLE, AND THIS

YOUNG DUDE SAID, **** MY ****, YOUR STILL A YOUNG DUDE BRIAN, BRIAN AT FIRST

SAID ******* I AM NOT GAY, HE SAID, NO YOUR STILL A YOUNG DUDE MATE, **** MY FUCKEN ****, ****

BRIAN SAID, WHY CAN’T YOU LEAVE ME BE TO BE A REAL MAN, THEN HE SAID, **** MY ****

YOU ARE TOO WOOSEY TO BE A MAN, AND BRIAN SAID, I DON’T WANT TO **** YOUR ****, ****

I AM NOT GAY, YA ****, HE GRABBED MY ARM AND PULLED ME INTO THE ROOM AND FORCED ME

TO **** HIS ****, THE FUCKEN **** HE WAS, AND BRIAN AS SOON AS HE LEFT, WAS FOLLOWING HIM

AND HE SAID, BRIAN ****** MY ****, YA SEE THAT **** IS NOT LIKE ME, AND THEN I WAS PLAYING

A TIE UP GAME, WHERE BRIAN ASKED THIS YOUNG DUDE TO TIE HIM UP, HOPING IT’LL TAKE THE

LITTLE YOUNG DUDE OUT OF THE STREET, BUT BRIAN BECAME WILD, AND HIS DAD, WELL HE AIN’T PERFECT

BUT STILL HIS PRIDE GOT IN THE WAY, I GOT CRANKY WITH DAD, CAUSE, HE LOOKED AS IF HE DIDN’T GIVE A ****

YOU SEE, I WAS TRYING TO GAIN RESPECT AND OPEN UP TO HIM, BUT I FOUND IT HARD, AND DAD HAD A LIFE

LIKE BEING A SCHOOL TEACHER WHERE HE HELPED A LOT OF KIDS, ACTUALLY DAD WAS THE REAL KIDS FRIEND

BUT, ME, I COULDN’T GET THROUGH TO DAD, SO I PUNCHED HIM AND THREATENED HIM WHEN HE LAUGHED AT ME

I SAID, SHUT UP, *******, YOU ARE NOT LIKE US, AND DAD WANTED TO HAVE HIS CHAIR, NOW DAD DID MAKE IT UP TO ME

BUT I WANTED FRIENDS, AND I FUCKEN TRIED TO BE CAREFUL, BUT I HATED THE YOUNG DUDE ASKING ME TO **** HIS ****

AND BRIAN HATED HIS DAD, HAVING A PROBLEM, WITH HIM BEING A KID, I WAS PLAYING BASKETBALL LIKE MY BROTHER

PLAYED TENNIS, AND DAD NEVER UNDERSTOOD, I LIKED THAT LIFE OF GOING OUT AND WALKING AROUND THE MALL

YA KNOW MUCKING AROUND BEING A FOOL ON SOME DAYS, BUT OTHER DAYS, MAINLY ON WEEKENDS I WENT TO THE MALL’
‘
TO HAVE LUNCH AND HAD A BIT OF A MUCK AROUND AT *** BLACK PINNY ARCADE, AND THEN OVER TO THE BOWLING ALLEY

AND ON THE WAY HOME, I ENJOYED ALL THE KIDS PLAYING IN KEANE PLACE, YA KNOW YARD CRICKET, YA KNOW, BEH AND JOSH

AND THIS KID WHO LOOKED LIKE A CARBON COPY OF THE BIG YOUNG DUDES I LIKED AS A KID, BUT HE WAS A TROUBLE MAKER

AS HE ASKED ME TO TIE HIM UP, AND IF I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER, I WOULD HAVE TIED HIM UP, BUT I SAID NO, HOPING KIDS WOULD

STOP TREATING ME LIKE A PHEDAPHILE, AND THEN ANOTHER GAME OF CRICKET WITH BRENDAN AND CANDICE AND MY BROTHER

AND I LOOKED LIKE A REAL COOL KID, CRUISING AROUND, THEN AFTER A WHILE, THE VOICES STARTED, AND EVERY VOICE WENT

TO BED, LEAVING BRIAN THE COOL KID TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT, PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES, WATCHING TALK SHOWS, AND JUST AS

I WENT TO BED, MY MATES RANG ME UP, TO DRINK BEERS OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL, AS WELL AS JUMPING IN OUR FAMILY’S SWIMMING POOL

AND LEAVING SHARP OBJECTS, MAKING MY FATHER, NEVER TRUST ME EVER AGAIN, I WAS TRYING TO BE LIKE A MATE I LIKED, PAT, BACK THEN

BUT I LOOKED LIKE A DRUNKEN WOOSEY *****, CAUSE, I WAS TRYING TO BE THE COOL KID IN THE CLUB, TEASING THE NERDY YEAH MATE YEAH KID

WHO IS LIKE DAD’S NERDY BEING FRIENDS MOTTO, BUT, I WAS A FOOL, BUT I ENJOYED WALKING AROUND FROM PUB TO PUB, WITH THE

LINE IN MY HEAD, MEN DON’T DO THAT, THAT’S WHAT KIDS DO, I AM OFF TO THE PUB, AND WHEN I LOOKED SHY AT A FEW STAGES IN MY LIFE

IN CIVIC, I HEARD DADS VOICE SAYING, GO INTO A PUB BRIAN, RATHER THAN WALK AROUND CIVIC, AND I PARTIED ALL OVER THE CITY CLUB

AND THE PRIVATE BIN, SOMEONE TRIED TO ROUGH ME UP OUTSIDE THE CHARNWOOD INN, AT A CHOIRBOYS GIG THERE, BRIAN LOST EVERYTHING

THAT NIGHT, BUT THE TAXI DRIVER WAS HAPPY TO GIVE ME A FREE RIDE HOME, I AM NOT DOING THAT AGAIN, AND I VISIONED ME AND BRENDAN

WERE ******* TOGETHER, BETWEEN HOUSES, BUT I HATED DAD LOOKING LIKE HE DOESN’T CARE FOR MY WELL-BEING SO I HAD NUMEROUS FIGHTS

WITH HIM, BUT I DON’T BELIEVE IN VIOLENCE, AND DAD, ALWAYS DID THE WIMPY THING TO CALL THE POLICE IN RATHER THAN JUST RELAX AND LET ME YELL

DAD, HAS HIS PRIDE, TO PROTECT, I SAID THEN, **** YOUR FUCKEN PRIDE, I WILL NEVER BE A NERDY ADULT LIKE YOU DAD I SAID, AFTER A WHILE I UNDERSTOOD DAD

BUT I CAN’T UNDERSTAND, WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO BE AN OLD JITTERY MAN, BACK THEN, BRIAN WAS JUST TEASING THE OLD JITTERY MAN IN DAD, DAD

LET HIS PRIDE GET THE BETTER OF HIM, DAD CARED, BUT, HE COULD’VE BEEN A LITTLE NICER BACK THEN, CAUSE I NEVER HELD A GUN TO HIS HEAD

AND I HATE BEING TREATED LIKE A FIGHTING COOL KID, BUT I WAS A COOL KID, WHO LOVES TO PARTY, I HAVE ALWAYS LIKED PARTIES, IN THE PAST

AND I WILL LOVE THEM THROUGH EVERY BUDDHIST LIFE OF MINE, DAD, REMEMBER FRANK SPENSER, BETTY, OH DEAR BETTY, WELL YOUR BETTY NOW DAD

AND NOW, I HAVE TO MAKE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND, I HATED FIGHTING DAD, I WAS HAVING PROBLEMS, LIKE I THOUGHT I WAS DEALING WITH, LIKE A COOL YOUNG DUDE DOES

I WANTED TO BE AN ADULT, DON’T WE ALL

I am scared!
Scared of this world

Robert Godwin Sr
Alyssa Elsman

How many more have to die?
By my kind,
By their kind,
Because they blame some other kind
What ever happened to just being
kind?

Daniel Parmertor, Russell King, Jr., Demetrius Hewlin

Where were you when the World Trade Center went down?
It’s something everyone alive then will always remember
Never Forget! was our brand motto for American Pride

Krystle Marie Campbell, Lü Lingzi, Martin William Richard, Sean A. Collier, Dennis Simmonds

And now, the death of another is so commonplace
That we forget what and where.
It’s no longer personal enough to register where in our lives that it struck us
Only note that another life has been struck down
Add another tally to the equation
And still it does not add up

Trayvon Martin
Tamir Rice
Samuel DuBose
Delrawn Small
Philando Castile
Terence Crutcher
Heather Heyer

We are completely desensitized
And decentralized
We keep ourselves disconnected
(because we just can’t absorb,
Take,
Process it all)
It’s not us
It’s not me
It’s somebody else
Somewhere else.
Until it is
Then we care
How much can we take, before we break

Cynthia Marie Graham Hurd, Susie Jackson, Ethel Lee Lance, Depayne Middleton Doctor, Clementa C. Pinckney, Tywanza Sanders, Daniel Simmons, Sharonda Coleman Singleton, Myra Thompson

The tragedy is the comedy
We laugh so we don’t cry
Sakia Gunn
Richie Phillips
Nireah Johnson, Brandie Coleman
Glenn Kopitske
Scotty Joe Weaver
Jason Gage
Michael Sandy
Sean William Kennedy
Duanna Johnson
Lawrence "Larry" King
Angie Zapata
Lateisha Green
****** August Provost, III
Mark Carson

I can’t say I’ve never thought of committing violence.
Hell, when my ex-wife cheated, it occurred to me
And I can’t say that I have never hit another
I’ve been a kid
My whole life is designed just to grow up
But, I’ve thought of killing myself far more often than the thought to harm anyone else have ever occurred to me
Because my problems are mine;
My fault,
And I am not seeking some scapegoat

Keenya Cook, Jerry Taylor, Million A. Woldemariam, Claudine Parker, Hong Im Ballenge, James Martin, James L. Buchanan, Premkumar Walekar, Sarah Ramos, Lori Ann Lewis-Rivera, Pascal Charlot, Dean Harold Meyers, Kenneth Bridges, Linda Franklin née Moore, Jeffrey Hopper, Conrad Johnson, 1 unnamed victim

I am not going to deny that being a white male hasn’t allowed me to sidestep a whole level of *******
One day, angry white males will be the minority
And we’ll have no one left to blame, but ourselves.
If we don’t **** everyone first
If we don’t **** ourselves first

Michael Arnold, Martin Bodrog, Arthur Daniels, Sylvia Frasier, Kathy Gaarde, John Roger Johnson, Mary Francis Knight, Frank Kohler, Vishnu Pandit, Kenneth Bernard Proctor, Gerald Read, Richard Michael Ridgell

Jonathan Blunk, Alexander J. Boik , Jesse Childress, Gordon Cowden,
Jessica Ghawi, John Larimer, Matt McQuinn, Micayla Medek, Veronica Moser Sullivan, Alex Sullivan, Alexander C. Teves, Rebecca Wingo

The earth has already decided that we are a plague upon it
Maybe climate change is the natural response to the abuse of our gifts

Nancy Lanza, Rachel D'Avino, Dawn Hochsprung, Anne Marie Murphy,
Lauren Rousseau, Mary Sherlach, Victoria Leigh Soto, Charlotte Bacon, Daniel Barden, Olivia Engel, Josephine Gay, Dylan Hockley, Madeleine Hsu, Catherine Hubbard, Chase Kowalski, Jesse Lewis, Ana Márquez Greene, James Mattioli, Grace McDonnell, Emilie Parker, Jack Pinto, Noah Pozner, Caroline Previdi, Jessica Rekos, Avielle Richman, Benjamin Wheeler, Allison Wyatt

What is this world going to teach my son?
That he’s better because of how he looks?
Or what I’ve taught him:
You make yourself better.

Jamie Bishop, Jocelyne Couture Nowak, Kevin Granata, Liviu Librescu,  P
G. V. Loganathan, Ross Alameddine, Brian Bluhm, Ryan Clark, Austin Cloyd, Daniel Perez Cueva, Matthew Gwaltney, Caitlin Hammaren, Jeremy Herbstritt, Rachael Hill, Emily Hilscher, Matthew La Porte, Jarrett Lane, Henry Lee, Partahi Lumbantoruan, Lauren McCain, Daniel O'Neil, Juan Ortiz, Minal Panchal, Erin Peterson, Michael Pohle Jr., Julia Pryde, Mary Karen Read, Reema Samaha, Waleed Shaalan, Leslie Sherman, Maxine Turner, Nicole White

I work as a data analyst
So, I ran the numbers
But, these are more than numbers
These are people: sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, friends, lovers.

Stanley Almodovar III, Amanda Alvear, Oscar A. Aracena Montero, Rodolfo Ayala Ayala, Alejandro Barrios Martinez, Martin Benitez Torres, Antonio D. Brown, Darryl R. Burt II, Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, Angel L. Candelario Padro, Simon A. Carrillo Fernandez, Juan Chevez Martinez, Luis D. Conde, Cory J. Connell, Tevin E. Crosby, Franky J. DeJesus Velazquez, Deonka D. Drayton, Mercedez M. Flores, Juan R. Guerrero, Peter O. Gonzalez Cruz, Paul T. Henry, Frank Hernandez, Miguel A. Honorato, Javier Jorge Reyes, Jason B. Josaphat, Eddie J. Justice, Anthony L. Laureano Disla, Christopher A. Leinonen, Brenda L. Marquez McCool, Jean C. Mendez Perez, Akyra Monet Murray, Kimberly Morris, Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, Luis O. Ocasio Capo, Geraldo A. Ortiz Jimenez, Eric I. Ortiz Rivera, Joel Rayon Paniagua, Enrique L. Rios Jr., Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, Christopher J. Sanfeliz, Xavier E. Serrano Rosado, Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, Edward Sotomayor Jr., Shane E. Tomlinson, Leroy Valentin Fernandez, Luis S. Vielma, Luis D. Wilson Leon, Jerald A. Wright

I did research to try to find all the victims since I became abruptly aware 16 years ago
There are too many
I could not discover a single database that contained a comprehensive record
No one can keep track of it anymore
I know I’ve missed people
I know there are 1000’s of people now missing people
Even 1 was too much

Hannah Ahlers, Heather Alvarado, Dorene Anderson, Carrie Barnette, Jack Beaton, Steve Berger, Candice Bowers, Denise Salmon Burditus, Sandra Casey, Andrea Castilla, Denise Cohen, Austin Davis, Virginia Day Jr, Christiana Duarte, Stacee Etcheber, Brian Fraser, Keri Galvan,  Dana Gardner, Angela Gomez, Rocio Guillen Rocha, Charleston Hartfield,  Chris Hazencomb, Jennifer Irvine, Nicol Kimura, Jessica Klymchuk, Carly Kreibaum, Rhonda LeRocque, Victor Link, Jordan McIldoon, Kelsey Meadows, Calla Medig, James ‘Sonny’ Melton, Pati Mestas, Austin Meyer, Adrian Murfitt, Rachael Parker, Jennifer Parks, Carrie Parsons, Lisa Patterson,  John Phippen, Melissa Ramirez, Jordyn Rivera, Quinton Robbins, Cameron Robinson, Lisa Romero Muniz, Christopher Roybal, Brett Schwanbeck, Bailey Schweitzer, Laura Shipp, Erick Silva, Susan Smith, Tara Roe Smith, Brennan Stewart, Derrick ‘Bo’ Taylor, Neysa Tonks, Michelle Vo, Kurt Von Tillow, Bill Wolfe Jr.

and NOW I’ve run out of lines and time to read off all 2,977 people who died in 9-11
Isn’t that a tragedy?

chalk candies
all printed thereon
different names for the same thing:
a cry for help.
all different colors,
different lies,
but all leave that
disgusting aftertaste you get from candy hearts,
which is precisely why they're not a staple of my diet.
they're good for throwing away in puddles.

there goes one for emily stein.
there goes one for denira queen.
there goes one for jilian quandison.
one by one, letting go of memories.
there goes one for spirit newberry.
there goes one for krystin bullard.
there goes one for tandra wood.
one by one, loosing old ties.

there goes lucy, and grace, and sarah,
long gone.
the box is almost empty.

here's one for kimberly rhodes,
the one i should have held on to.
here's a deformed one for nicole watson,
and a few for  the rest of my detritivores.
here's one for anne folderol,
truly folderol,
and a few for the others i could save from low grade lowlifes.
here's one for lisa noble,
two years older.
and at last, one for candice coyle,
out of reach.

i'll keep the box.

The keane Place kids



In the eighties I was living in keane Place
With my family and I was 11 when I moved there
Over the years I met so many kids
Who I thought were invincible because
They weren’t scared like the one’s at the mall
They were quite often teasing me
Because I took too long to adapt to growing up
They were nice to me but they did tell me
When I should go inside so they can relax
We had Peter and Rowena and Bambi and Jason
As well as Allison and Julie and they were always
Visiting me and my brother’s cubby house
Having drinks and biscuits
This happened for about 5 years and we were quite
Often annoying the bus driver next door
By hitting the football on his boat
And we made too much noise for the other neighbour
Who was trying to sleep during the day


When we started to go to bigger school most of the kids
Moved away and then Beu and Josh moved in
And hit it off with my brother
While me, well I just started to grow up and try to better myself
Until I moved in a granny flat in the back and
Brendan and Candice moved in
And I at that stage preferred them to my family
And I was swinging them around in my front yard
And when my friends came around I embarrassed them
Something fierce
That family became friends with my family and we all had fun
And then I went crazy and tried to get rid of this family
By attempt to kidnap Brendan and tease Candice
And talk my way to eventually make them move on
They did and then I met another family who had a 9 year old
Boy who reminded me a bit like Patrick with his music tastes
So I let him enjoy himself and not try to get rid of him
He liked me and I liked his father
And then he moved on
And then the houses just had families wanting
To stay with their own families
And I had to deal with my mental illness
Which made me the oldest Keane Place kid
To finally leave the nest
I feel happy now because I have my new life
And when I see everybody from the street around
I say hello because I am one of the Keane Place kids

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Amber was an atheist,
she thought the world was dumb as hell.
Britney was a botanist,
who had a fertilizer smell.
Candice was a coroner,
a scary passion for the stiffs.
Diana was a drummer chick,
that knew a few guitar riffs.

Evelyn was evil, man,
all leather suits and chains and whips.
Farrah was a therapist,
got in my brain with swinging hips.
Greta was a gunslinger,
she'd give most anything a shot.
Hannah was a homebody-
shy as hell, but twice as hot.

Iris was an Ivy Leaguer,
thought I was a total fool.
Janice was a juggler,
who liked to play with power tools.
Kimmy taught karate,
who dated me just for the kicks.
Louise was a lyricist,
who wrote about how guys were *****.

Marilyn was mostly mean,
she liked to fight and then make up.
Nancy was so negative,
I had no choice but to break up.
Opal was an occultist,
who liked to gossip with the dead.
Paula was a *******,
that made me pay to come to bed.

Queenie was inquisitive,
the questions were too much to bear.
Rosie was a recluse
who never shaved or brushed her hair.
Sidney was a sinful sort,
with toys and gadgets 'neath the bed.
Tina was a twisted chick,
with thirteen voices in her head.

Ursula was uber-cool,
always on the latest trends.
Vicky was on Vicodin,
and we all know how that one ends.
Wanda was a wanderer,
that left to join a circus troupe.
Xena the exhibitionist
liked to do it on the stoop.

Yolanda was young and fine,
and nearly cost me everything.
Zoey was a Zombie fan,
she got hot when he would sing.
I'd like to say I've settled down,
but since the alphabet is done,
I'm gonna met an Ann or Anita,
and give it all another run.

reflection
[ri-flek-shuh n]

1. i wasn't living for myself. i was living to get through the motions of each day and to make others happy. i've been a role model for others ever since shawna was born when i was in the first grade. the weight on my shoulders, i wanted to be good enough. **** it, i just wanted to be something worth while. i feared not amounting to anything so much that i forgot what it meant to live for myself. it turns out i was suffocating myself trying to live up to these unrealistic expectations i set for myself. it was as if i was trapped in a box that had been tapped shut and i was struggling to find air to breathe. i have promised myself to never put myself back in that position. i am meant for so much more. and i deserve to put myself first. the life i was living wasn't for me. and so i took myself down a different path.

2. though i've never put a blade to my skin or swallowed a large amount of pills, i harmed myself and i harmed others, especially those that love and care for me. i'm not sure when things got this bad, but once i realized the destructive person i became, i didn't want to be here anymore. there were no excuses for the poor decisions i was making but yet i couldn't stop. i would look in the mirror and not recognize the girl in the mirror, a girl causing unbelievable destruction to herself and to others. i couldn't feel bad for myself because this was all in my hands. i guess i just wanted to feel something. i had forgotten what it was like to feel and self-destruction was easy to access, a game played between me and myself and no one else. you get addicted to the feeling of watching things crash down before your eyes. i was out of control but the only person that could help me was myself.

3. if i were able to weigh my grief, i'm convinced the scale would break. this wasn't the first time i crossed paths with death and it turned everything in my life gray. cancer took my step-father away when i was 7th grade, my mother without a spouse and my two little sisters without a father. shawna was in kindergarten and candice was in pre-school, too young to go to the services. cheyenne fought with me over wearing white. i was thirteen and didn't know what proper funeral attire was. now they live life trying to remember a father they never knew. i spent much of my adolescent life regretting the words i said and wishing i would've said more. it was selfish of me but when my grandfather passed in march, i felt i was being punished. i couldn't bear the pain i was feeling and it wouldn't go away, so i had to find a scapegoat as an attempt to make myself feel better. i'll be honest, it didn't help, i only pretended it did so i wouldn't fall into a hole of spiraling depression. i still did anyway. i looked at my friends and people who knew who lost ones they loved and wondered how they hell they got over it. i didn't know what to do to lessen my pain. it was so sharp and intense, i carried it with me everywhere i went. my therapist walked me through the stages of grief and i felt like i was reliving the moment he took his last breath. silence. fighting back tears. pacing back and forth.

once i realized grief isn't something we have to get over and instead is something we learn to live with, i felt less crazy.

4. i no longer knew who i was. a friend told me that it wasn't about figuring out who i was again but rather who i wanted to be after this. i struggled and fell to rock bottom over and over again, even after feeling as if i was on the top of the world again. after so many dark hours and low points, i flourished into a girl i wanted to be, a girl i wanted to love, but most importantly, a girl i was proud of. the things we go through in life, they change us, completely and utterly. and we must decide what we do about this change--do we lose time by trying to deny we're no longer who we once were or do we embrace it? i spent a lot of time denying this new person i was becoming. i missed the old me. i wanted her back. but she was never coming back. i took a new form. and i stopped looking back and wondering why. i was no longer meant for the things i once pursued. my own kind of metamorphosis.

Veteran fashion show casting director James Scully has taken to Instagram to call out the fashion industry, specifically the Parisian contingent, for its treatment of models.

Taking on the role of whistle-blower, Scully named and shamed slew of brands contributing to the mistreatment of models during the casting process.

“So true to my promise at #bofvoices that I would be a voice for any models, agents or all who see things wrong with this business I'm disappointed to come to Paris and hear that the usual suspects are up to the same tricks,” Scully wrote on the social media app, before going into a story of the poor treatment of models waiting to be cast in the upcoming Balenciaga show in Paris.

“I was very disturbed to hear from a number of girls this morning that yesterday at the Balenciaga casting Madia & Ramy (serial abusers) held a casting in which they made over 150 girls wait in a stairwell told them they would have to stay over three hours to be seen and not to leave. In their usual fashion they shut the door went to lunch and turned off the lights, to the stairs leaving every girl with only the lights of their phones to see,” Scully revealed.

The casting director, who has worked with the likes of Stella McCartney, Derek Lam, Nina Ricci, Jason Wu, Carolina Herrera and for Gucci during the Tom Ford era, is a well-established and respected member of the fashion community and a long-time advocate for diversity in the modelling community.

“Not only was this sadistic and cruel it was dangerous and left more than a few of the girls I spoke with traumatised. Most of the girls have asked to have their options for Balenciaga cancelled as well as Hermes and Elie Saab who they also cast for because they refuse to be treated like animals,” Scully continued, adding that, “Balenciaga [is] part of Kering it is a public company and these houses need to know what the people they hire are doing on their behalf before a well-deserved lawsuit comes their way.”

Scully then went to touch upon the diversity and age issues the industry is also facing, noting that houses were turning away women of colour and attempting to use underage models.

“On top of that I have heard from several agents, some of whom are black, that they have received mandate from Lanvin that they do not want to be presented with women of colour. And another big house is trying to sneak 15 year-olds into Paris! It's inconceivable to me that people have no regard for human decency or the lives and feelings of these girls, especially when too, too many of these models are under the age of 18 and clearly not equipped to be here but god forbid well sacrifice anything or anyone for an exclusive right?”

Scully’s post has racked up over seven thousand likes and comments from models who found themselves entangled in the Balenciaga stairwell.

“I was one of this 150 girls waiting in this stairwell, Hopefully, I'm 27 now, and it's not my real job, but if I would have been younger and more into this, I would have been so destroyed by this kind of people or treatment. Personally, I decided to leave the casting, just before it was my turn. Just after I saw the casting director screaming at us to go out — outside, in the dark — and told us that we are like groupies in a concert, and how incredible and unbearable it was,” commented Instagram user Judith Schiltz, who purported to be in the stairwell.

Models Joan Smalls, Doutzen Kroes and Candice Swanepoel have also commented on the post.Read more at:http://www.marieaustralia.com/short-formal-dresses | www.marieaustralia.com/formal-dresses

Each word was heavier then the next

Punctuations were blackholes

Trapping solars through the text

Translations read "I am not afraid of death"

I am however petrified of a timeline

Terrified of an algorithm trying to define the textures of my rhymes

And the tendencies of the contingencies that disorientate the frequencies of the bell chimes

Pitches that were left to malnourish in these chambers

In the same crucible that replaced its rudimentary nature

With walls of foam that absorb the most infinitesimal of vibrations

Along with windows with shades that annihilate rays of the most miniscule of molecules of the nights constellations

I continue mediating

Eternally Waiting

Forever Creating

Until I hear a voice

It slices through the vapors

Telling me to trek and claim terrain

To march to a candice on clay

Even though grass was my choice

Now Im Forced to grow the green In my psyches Elysian fields  

Because as a man dress in all orange  

The color of Freedom will always systematically appeal

Faceless reapers come to visit dressed in business suits for a deal

A contract drawn in blood to harvest my crops for their sacrificial meals

I signed knowing whats to come

And at the time I wished to leave with the skeletons

Hold their robes of night

Dance my digits along their scythe

Because I see the beauty in every one of them

And I would too

That's the purest of truths

If I only knew the right numbers to dial

But I have no clue

So I'll dance in limbo for awhile

Until Deja vu

Because I was promised as a child

That they'll give me a call when its my time

I just hope thats true

"Candice fetch the water for the daughter," screamed the old man out loud.

Quick did the fiend hastily pace away from the sand that she was playing with. The sun, hot high up above, blistered itself alone changing its mind upon these defining fine. At last she ran back with a paper box filled with whatever the man willed.

"Good girl, good girl, now stay very still."

The old man poured the trickling cool water over this little girl blue all the while dipping her head back until she could no longer feel. Was a beauty in the way her head dipped right back, the sun shining through Her magical shell. The clouds poured over cooly as if they did not want to interrupt what ever was happening which wasn't all that much.

"How do you feel my little girl Sue?"

"Oh alright, just enough water to make me feel right"

Old man dipped his hand into the sand and threw it upon the coming wind. As fast as he did the wind came and then it was all that he did. She smiled a creek bed of water fast ripples that would have toppled any church bell steeple. They sat together witnessing the pass of God's mass, listening to the river that lay in an eternal shiver.

"Soon your father will be back...alright?"

"When he gets here I'll see with a new sight."

The old man smiled miles all the while the poor father traveled through rocks which unraveled much like the mystery of the mile. They made sandwiches from the meat they met from the corner store they found along the fast moving shore. They chewed slowly so to enjoy the ticking bore.

"Stale it is"

"Hail I feel"

Soon the rocks of ice washed over these two faces that stayed steady for the love in the family is one way to stay sanely. Pebbles broke quick with the late afternoon stitch of a weather vane which broke all in their own vain.

"Home soon?"

"Not until I see the loon"

They sat there till the man arrived and when He did, it was never a time too soon.

“If only you knew how my thoughts were performing a graceful dance in my head on the topic of you while at the same time fighting a battle over you. I am torn between loving you and not feeling like enough for you.” -Candice

© 2018

Today’s thanksgiving
So I figured,
Perfect day to give thanks
To a few people,
Mind you,
This isn’t in order,

1) my little brother
For lighting up my life
Letting me
Become a Candice
Or Peppa pig
Or any one of those
Big Sisters
I no longer carry envy for

2) The dad who
Has given me a mix
Of his
Extreme childish-
(He’s calling me now to make a turkey out of pistachio shells)
Temperament
Yet contrasting
Acedemicly telented
Stern demeanor
While pushing my brother and I
And having high experctations while giving
Us the freedom
To forge our own path

3) The mother
Who is so enthusiastic
Talkative, sharing with me
The habit of
Binging on chocolates
Whose nagging
Has propelled me
To do things
I would
Have never
Seen myself
Do

4) The best friend
Who’s probably currently
On Assasin’s Creed
Or some other video game
Besides Fortnite
Which she insists doesn’t have a
Good story line
Whose milder temperment
Puts up
With my overly excitable
One
And who strongly stands
For what’s right
Following her dream
Of being a police
Officer
Despite condemning politics as
Boring

5) The three friends
Who stayed in touch
After elementary school
Who filled
My days with pretending
To be Elemental Mages
Reenact the Hunger Games
Warrior Cats
Although no one ever listened
When I was the medicine cat!
Who gave me an outlet
For my quirky
Book loving
Personality

6) The three friends
At my current school
Who,
Despite splits
Break ups
And an occasional
Difficulty finding
Camaraderie
Were the first
Friends
Of mine
At this school
And my anime pals
And for my years of
Middle school
Kept me
Sane

At this point I could probably start going off on
The tmpermental grandma
Who called my nose big
And whom I was mildly averse
(For good reason)
Until I saw a photo
Of her smile,
Holding me as a baby

Or the pink heart shaped flowers
That I’d look forward to
Every spring
Until our newly constructed sun room
Destroyed them

And on
  And on
     And on

But nah,
Those were some of my top ones
Thanks for reading!

Room of Echos

Senseless I have taken from you
A splendor I love enduring
Resting upon riches of loneliness
I am at ease
The tears fall...
For the joy of my freedom is great
I am immortal now
Not full of hate
As the words pour out
I...I thank you
Asking for your forgiveness in return
I plead with you
The end ...

Candice S.

Ennio Morricone
Collaboration with Sergio Leone
Whips And Whistles
New sound to background
Sphagetti Westerns backbone
Never left Rome
Music his home
400 plus films scored
Distinct sound endured
Many Auteurs frequently collaborated
Fan favorite for decades
Won Oscar for The Hateful Eight
One of two to
To get the honor
Lifetime Oscar
For Composer extraordinaire
All roads lead to Rome
All notes lead to Morricone

Lalo Schifrin
Argentinian Pianist
Cult following with memorable Scores
Jazz themed band and Grammys Galore
Television Series & Movie themes
Added value with his Name
Superstars  first choice
Studios rejoice
A list Star to Act
Lalo to compose the Soundtrack
Fans across the world
Saw movies for his score

Henri Mancini won 4 Oscar's
Immortal theme for Pink Panther
Baby Elephant Walk
For Howard Hawks
Romeo and juliet love theme
Number one on the Billboard scheme
Partnership with Directors
  Everlasting music created
Deserving Hall of Famer
Years later for many
Still the favorite composer

Elmer Bernstein
Creme de la creme
Only composer
Nominated for oscar
Every decade since the 1950s
Won for Thorough Modern Millie
Versatility the key
Budget did not  affect
Genre did neither
The Magnificent seven & The Great Escape
Tunes stand testimony
For creativity and longevity

Dave Grusin patnership with
Sydney Pollack cruising
Director Composer  combination
Last of the Finest
Grammy s lost count
Oscar made the count
Composed the music for
Columbia TRISTAR logo
Outstanding musical score
Grusin music totally pure

Roy Budd Composer
Who learnt by ear
Could play by Three
At birth a Prodigy
Soldier Blue with Candice Bergen
Gave him the due recognition
Best Pianist Award
5 years consecutive
Soundtrack for films
Each one Superlative
Score for Get Carter
In our memories forever
Brain hemorrhage
Took him away  at an early age

Jerry Goldsmith debuted
in live television
Rambo and Star Trek
Franchise to name a few
His compositions always new
Composers like him
A very few
The Omen finally
got him his due
Paramount & Universal pictures
The music accompanying
The logos of the Studios
Jerry doing his wizardry
With the audio
Grammy and Oscar nominations
To be counted
Four more pairs of hands
Need to be included

Marvin Hamlisch winner
Of three Oscars
All in the same year
The Sting and The Way We were
Nobody does it better
Only one after Richard Rogers
To win The Grammy Tony Emmy Oscar and the Pulitzer

Bill Conti score for Rocky
One of the most Remembered in movie history
Replaced John Barry
In For your eyes only
Scored for the Oscar
Ceremony
19 times a record
envy of many
Won Oscar and Emmy
No Dynasty or Cagney & Lacey
without Conti

John Barry score for Sean Connery as James Bond
The super spy
A permanent legacy
Created by the supremacy
Of his musical ability
5 time oscar winner
From North Yorkshire
Illness threatened career Came back better then ever
Sold out concerts
Arena sized halls
Glory again after a fall
Oscar for The Lion in Winter
His personal favorite Goldfinger

Maurice Jarre  Composer and Conductor
Won 3 Oscars
All collaborations
with David Lean
Big Budget Films
His speciality
The Themes popularity
Showcased his versatility
His music told the story
Close your eyes and
You will know the reality
Appealing to every taste
Was Jarre's forte

David Shire
Winner of the Oscar
For Norma Rae
Composer & Songwriter
Streisands Pianist
Scored for Television & Movies
Conversation and Pelham
Musical confirmation
That his compositions
Will bear the
Test of time

Michel Legrand
son of a Composer
Winner of 3 Oscars
Conductor for many of
The French New Wave directors
Founder of the French Musical
Windmills of your mind
Forever etched in our minds
Over 200 films in a career
Prolific in nature
Select from his repertoire
Of music
Fill the air with Legrand magic

Michael Small son of an actor
Became a composer
Parallax View & Night Moves
Provides you with the mood
Alan Pakula & Arthur Penn
Directors for whom notes he penned
Sidney Lumet Bob Rafelson & John Schleisinger
Legends in their own right
Small' talent shined bright
Prostate cancer
Took away this Great Music Director

Charles Bernstein used Music & Sound effects
To maximum effect
Oscar Winning Documentary
Which had no oral commentary
To tell the story
Scored for horror genre
A cult in the sub culture
Burt Reynolds in White Lightning first chance to
Score for a feature
Charles Bronson in Mr Majestyk
Made these films click

John Williams pianist for
Goldsmith Bernstein & Mancini
Second only to Walt Disney
In Oscar Nominations
52 and counting
Winner greatest Soundtrack
Of all time
Star Wars earned him that name &  fame
Widely regarded as most successful  Musician
Positivity is the key
Particular theme  for different characters
Greatest ever

Candice was the Walmart Queen.
This was her favorite scene.
In her Daisy Duke jeans with **** crack showing.
She pranced through the aisles.
Getting stares from the ladies and from the guys she got smiles.

i can recite you the names
of the loves of at first site:
Milena...
"Candice" the Cat...
Samantha...
Janina...
Priya...
Isabella...
             i never ****** these women...
if i guessed right...
  (well... except ******* Isabella...
a silly pre-post-virginity-loss ****...
most probably drunk)....
they were probably
the younger sisters
of the older sisters i managed to ****...
notably?
promis & priya...
just saying...
i was so close to"laura" the Iranian-Scootch...
curse of the younger sister...
it's unlike for man
to marry a ****-star...
the idea fickles and furrows...
to somehow exist via: the cure's kiss me kiss me...
kiss me morality bogus... quest...

    Priya is us: most ******-up...
******* a a younger sister of the first allowance
of a blow-job?
the elder sister's first allowance ascribed...
in the afterlife?
you, me... and my sister...
now i will cite: tired of a shadow...
non-inquisitive of solipsistic islands bound
to the Pacific... rummaging
eternity with bride... and younger sister...
who would ******* need an Islamic Harem
at this point?

    i'll keep her to her word:
her (promise) and Priya...
        on a whale, island... of a non-confessional...
perhaps i was interesting when she said: said words...
bogus I: aged 21 circa...
but her younger sister was my forever
love at first sight...
i can't just ******* wake up from "that"...
i hid and hid and hid and hide more I hid...
this... loiter of...
no!
        eternity is me without *****...
you without concept of revealing access to a "heritage"...
aren't.. we... justified?!
i am father to the fatherless...
aren't we.. justified?!

it's like the doubled anti-******
of the ideology of harem compensation...
to savour two sisters...
you're missing a third though, dearest Graeae...
if you support knowing me: why belittle me?!
how many silent screams have you heard
echo from my cruel: digging imitation of what
could: scrutinise the fabric of public intellectualism?!
forget the verbiage...
forget, foremost... that i allowed myself
to be revealed unto you.

Cold Connie Candice Clover, let's climb a clingingly-cautious,
****-cured, crisp cypress tree on fatherless-****-run Cyprus

My cold Connie Candice Clover, let us climb a clingingly cautious,
**** cured, clean-queen cypress tree on fatherless-****-run Cyprus
It's true 'cause Jesus believes it, no ******* teen ****, with an hour-
glass figure, could **** M.I.T.'s most honored mathematical ******
I ain't looking to have my **** *** scratched by a goofy communist
'cause Rome wasn't built in a day, & I don't want no more homosex
from you, now that you have confessed to being homosexually gay.
All imperialist gringos must go to Peru, eat lima beans & rob banks
& corner the prison market on made-from-spoon-razor-sharp shanks