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Nomkhumbulwa May 21

Where do I start?
Writing this by candle light;
Yet today we are lucky,
Load shedding came early

The system is done,
Its broken, corrupt,
Time after time,
Excuses one after the next

Us we are lucky,
In some ways anyhow;
For we have a few means
To keep warm for now

Others are not,
In fact most are not,
They suffer, they die,
But ESKOM - care they do not

Yes it was once ok,
to be totally without,
But once electricity is introduced,
Its difficult to go without

Those who have the means
Have done what they can,
Generators, gas, solar,
Options are endless, but only if you can

To most the expense is impossible,
Of course we want solar,
We want clean energy,
Just like we collect rain water

Its nothing new,
Its now been decades,
Leaving people to suffer,
ESKOM one problem after another

Winter after winter
Just when its needed most,
ESKOM takes it away,
Light, warmth, taken away

People light fires with paraffin,
Then bring them indoors,
Just to keep warm,
In the morning they dont wake up at all

Where is investment in alternatives?
For ESKOM cannot go on,
As one of my cousins said -
The grid is often more off than on

I cannot complain,
Not for myself anyway;
I choose to live here
I'll do things my own way

But I do see suffering
Knowing a long winter is ahead,
With an overburdened health system,
Knowing every winter leaves people dead

How much longer will it take?
For ESKOM to finally close,
To open doors for others,
Its time to get rid of the coal

In a Country basking in sunshine
nearly every day of the year,
The lack of solar power is saddening,
And shameful, but ESKOM doesnt care

Yes we have fire,
But we also have rain,
Those two dont mix,
Cannot cook on fire in the rain

The saddest things is this,
That ESKOM just dont care;
Lives dont matter to ESKOM,
Anyway - they have their share

The few that can make do,
They can afford to.
So everyone else is forgotten,
Nearly 80 percent of the population

Its cold, its wet,
We cannot light fire,
If we do its outside,
Buildings no longer designed for fire

How much longer ESKOM?
Will you allow people to suffer?
Will you eat all the money?
Will you do this to South Africa??

We all hope for a brighter future; quite literally...."brighter" ..  :)

Nomkhumbulwa **
apologies im new
Nomkhumbulwa Mar 10
I wrote this while waiting my turn at Baragwanath suddenly came to me, that I had been speaking to these wonderful ladies at **** Crisis Scotland nearly every day before I came here and started to heal.  Im forever, and ever...grateful ***

"While I wait…"

Today I was thinking,
I had so much time,
Waiting for hours and hours,
Patiently in line

Apprehensive, nervous,
Yet somewhat assured,
I let my mind wander,
Back and back it was lured

Im out of my body,
Now an empty shell,
Going back to the past,
Going back to …hell

It feels dangerous,
Thinking back,
I feel so vulnerable,
It hurts to look back

But here I am,
Waiting in line,
A different person,
To look back, it is time

But who was I?
What was going on?
The fear, the shame,
I had almost no one

Its darkness and pain,
Unbearable pain,
Not trusting anyone,
Even myself, never again

I was something else,
Torture, torture, torture,
Hating myself,
Was I a murderer?

The panic, the fear,
Not knowing myself,
Not knowing inside,
Wanting to **** myself

All of this now
Seems so much worse,
As im getting better,
Im learning to trust

The pain in my stomach,
Thinking back to that time,
Stuck in my house,
Completely out of my mind

Time had stopped,
But I still had to live,
Existing was painful,
It was a nightmare to live

I don’t recognise myself,
Don't know who I was,
But the feelings are still with me,
More traumatic than all else

My blades were my friends,
Taking the pain each day,
Numbing my mind,
Allowing it to “go away”

Cut cut cut,
Every day,
I look at my scars now,
I’ve had to explain

Back there I was me,
But I was totally lost,
Like living a virtual reality,
So totally totally lost

An empty shell,
Yet shaky and trembling,
Wanting to die,
For being a burden

Im lost for words,
Just feeling feelings,
Its too much for words

There was nothing left of me,
Now that I know,
And knowing causes me pain,
How could I have got so low?

I can’t stop the tears,
The confusion, the fog,
Was so intense,
Not knowing who I was

The daymares,
The nightmares,
People grabbing me,
People hurting me

I look at my arm,
I look at my legs,
Nowhere is my body spared,
Apart from my face

I felt *****,
A burden,
On Society

I disgusted myself,
Yet not knowing why,
Even for calling the helpline,
I felt I should die

Its much like a fog,
Feeling my way through,
Occasionally bumping into things,
My mind says “thats you”

I was so very sick,
I only know now,
Just thinking how sick I was
Makes me physically ill now

It wasn’t me,
Id gone somewhere,
The pain too much,
And the shame, to bear

I break down now
When I describe these times,
I was in contact with people,
Begging them to take my life

It still comes back now,
Triggers, so im told,
I beat myself up,
Hit my head on the wall

It can be overwhelming
When it comes back,
Whether its the ****,
Or just the cruelty I faced

People were cruel,
So so cruel,
They hurt me so deeply,
That I thought I was cruel

I think back to times
I was abused by police,
I was abused by doctors,
In fact, all authorities

They just hurt me more,
They put me through hell,
The pain they caused me,
Left a story to tell

They were cold, suspicious,
Filling me with shame,
Making me believe,
That I was to blame

They traumatised me more,
More than ever before,
Or perhaps I should say torture,
I felt ashamed to my core

So much I could write,
But im struggling for words,
They hurt me, they did this,
Now I realise their curse

I cannot forgive them,
I cannot go back,
Here life's a struggle,
But my trust is coming back

I feel sad for time wasted,
Knowing Pamela would help me,
It pains me now to think
How I just could not let her help me

She believed in me,
Was ready to listen,
She understood,
Even spoke to the policeman

But I always feared
Asking for help,
For I was a burden,
Perhaps id feel worse getting help

They put this in my mind,
….a burden on society,
Dealing with the **** was one thing,
But this was a different story

Pamela tried so hard,
She took me to get help,
But it never materialised,
Instead, I totally lost hope

The days were long,
The nights were longer,
The man in my house,
Or is it my mother?

I didn’t want to exist,
I blocked out my life,
Then remembered what I didn’t want to,
My brain attacking me like a knife

There was no hope,
People are so cruel,
Do they enjoy it?
Watching people become ill?

I didn’t know how sick I was
Until I started getting better,
Im in a better place now,
But with a past full of horror

Its been a long time,
I think it had to be,
For me to find myself,
And to feel free

Now is the time,
Looking back on my life,
There were people, a helpline,
That physically saved my life

Although I was confused,
Not allowing myself to believe,
They told me again and again,
The one thing they did was believe

A have so much respect,
A deep connection too,
To these selfless women,
Who give up their time, for you

There wasn’t much you could do,
But you did everything and more,
You never gave up on me,
As I sat glued to the floor

Im healing slowly,
Reclaiming my life,
But I want to thank you ladies,
You did save my life

I appreciate everything you did so deeply it brings me to tears, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. .
Im new
Nomkhumbulwa Dec 2021
I am me…

I have every right to be
To be me; I am me.
We’re all unique,
Different looks, styles, personalities

I have a right to be me,
As you have a right to be you
I may have opinions,
And that right you have too

It’s taken time to realise
That it’s ok to be me,
For so long I thought
That there was something wrong with me

I didn’t meet expectations
But these can never be met,
For we all have our own path
We cannot be something we’re not

I’ve stopped trying now
To be somebody else
Whoever they wanted me to be
I cannot, for I am myself

And it is ok to be
To just be yourself
Cause no intentional harm
To anyone, even yourself

If you don’t approve
I cannot help you
I will no longer try
To be something I’m not, for you

My life is for me
And those part of it
I’m not a slave to anyone
Even if you’re my family

It doesn’t give you the right
To abuse, shame and disgrace
Just because we share blood
We all belong to the human race

You are you
And that’s ok too
Just be yourself, but
Don’t force others to be you

You have your life
And I have mine
If you don’t like it
Then perhaps it’s a sign

A sign that distance
And disconnection is necessary
I’ll never be good enough
Do you not yet see?

You have expectations
I cannot live up to
And I will no longer try
For I have a life too

I know who I am,
Though not who you want me to be
But that would never work
For I am a “human “ you see

I’m not here for you
I don’t belong to you
I’m no slave, no lower species
I’m here for those who need me

I feel loved
I feel despised
And though I’ll never know why
The problem is no longer mine

You do not own me
I’m not living for you
I was born as myself
Not born an extension of you

I use my own mind
Feel my own emotions
At last I am free
Free from the web of confusion

I have set backs
I have flash backs
Feel the pain
Just the same

But I’m stronger
I’m getting stronger
Every day
I’m working hard

To know me
Just me
No one else,
Just me

You have taught me so much
And I’m grateful for that
Even through all the pain
I Can now help others who are trapped

You taught me exactly
How not to treat people
Taught me the effects
Of torturing people

I see through you now
And it does make me sad
But you see - I know me
I’m becoming, slowly, free

I Am me,
So please……let me be.


I’m new apologies
Nomkhumbulwa Aug 2021
Today you were taken….

Today you were taken
Your life abruptly ended
All of a sudden
Cruelty bared naked

The sadness is deep
A sorrow so painful
We miss you so much Timmy
The shock still palpable

How can this be?
Such a beautiful young soul
So quickly taken
Your body in a hole

You didn’t want rest
You didn’t want peace
You were so full of life
You wanted to hunt, and eat cheese

It was not your time
Such as evil intervenes
Barely two years old
Natural causes take time

I am so sorry Timmy
That this had to happen
No words can express
The deep pain left within

May your spirit continue to bless and watch over us, you are forever welcome.

We hold you so dear,
Your loving friends- both here and afar. For you are so loved.
I am new apologies
Nomkhumbulwa May 2021
Written for “uncle “ and his family

I’m not part of the family
Not connected by blood
I know I’m an outsider
Might not behave as I should

I’m not in a position
To say much here
It’s not my place to take over
I’m privileged to be here

But I just wish to say
That I do share your sorrow
Even given the short time I’ve been here
I really do feel your sorrow

I don’t feel it the same
For it’s not my place
But I’d got so used to uncle
Seeing his friendly face

He could always smile
Even when in so much pain
He had patience, was happy
He would barely complain

He enjoyed my baking
I’m glad that he did
For it’s a way to give back
As he gave me somewhere to live

I could see how much
The cars meant to him
A life without being able to drive
Would be a life so grim

At 83, this kept him going
He lived for his cars
With help yes maybe
I could see him fixing engines

He was always polite
Not a bad word for anyone
He rarely asked for help
Even when he was struggling

We all got used to seeing
Uncle struggle every day
But he kind of struggled happily
Perhaps to help the pain go away

So it came as a shock
For this reason alone
We think people will go on forever
Forgetting about their bones

For me at least
I can say I was shocked
I hadn’t taken notice
If he’d recently been more sick

One day he was fine
The next not so good
But this wasn’t unusual
He would bounce back, he always did

But this time he didn’t
None of us prepared
For the devastating news
When uncle’s death was shared

We all have regrets
When somebody dies
For me of course I do, uncle
I regret not spending more time with you

I appreciate your friendly face
I think everyone did
I will remember you smiling
You even had time for the kids

I’m sorry about the maize
That I grew right outside your house
I’d forgotten it would get that tall!
You had a forest outside your house!

You saw me struggle with the garden
Even offered to buy me more hosepipe!
Of course I didn’t expect this
But the thought shows how you wanted to help

You told me I was going the wrong way
I was trying t avoid soaking your feet
Why was I going so far?
When you were happy to move your feet!

I have many fond memories
But for now I just want to say
I do miss you uncle
I wasn’t prepared for that day

You have a wonderful family
Who have made sure things go well
I’ve never seen people work so hard
As your family, preparing for the funeral

I hope you can hear me
And see how much you are valued
For me the place will never be
The same, without uncle and his Volvos

But you are no longer in pain
Looked at peace when I saw you
I wish you the rest you deserve
Hamba khalhe uncle, rest in Peace- we love you

Nomkhumbulwa Apr 2021
That I don’t like me,
I don’t know me,
I don’t want to be me,
I don’t want anyone to see me

The self is ugly
Shameful, stupid
Complete lack of respect
I now have regret

They were right
What they said about me
On St Helena
My entire family

I only want pain
To punish myself
I am so stupid
And selfish but lacking a self

Why am I like this?
That I don’t know
But I do know I’m like this
How I got here I don’t know

Spiteful and hateful
Lacking respect
It’s not all about me
Why do I make it seem like that?

I’ve realised I hate me
But it’s not something new
I have such disgust, no empathy
For myself- I’m just cruel

I am cruel to others
I have no respect
I’m lazy and unhelpful
Why do I get so upset?

Was my mother right?
Or did she make me like this?
Perhaps I am becoming her
In my face was her fist

I want her to hit me
I want her here now
I need the abuse
To remind me, I can’t spell

I want to feel the beating
The words stabbing
I need to be punished
For I am failing

I’m a failed person
I have nothing but shame
For dragging good people
Through such pain

I don’t want to speak
I just want to hide
I don’t belong on this earth
Have my cat always by my side

Yes I am a witch
And witches need cats
I make herbal concoctions
I even own a broomstick

No one should hear my voice
For I only bring pain
Lack of understanding
How cruel can I be, causing pain

But why do some people like me?
Am I not being genuine?
How do I let them see
Who I really am within

I only bring misery and
Offend those around me
It’s true I’m a burden
A burden on society

I don’t belong anywhere
In this realm or the next
I don’t belong anywhere
I’m not human, I’m something else

They describe me as fragile
So why don’t I break?
Shatter into pieces
Wash down the drain to the lake

When will I snap?
Completely out of my mind?
How much more will it take?
While I burden mankind

I don’t know what’s wrong
But it needs to stop
My mother should be here
To hurt me, send me into shock

I don’t wish to be with her
I just want to feel pain
The pain she inflicted
How she did this to my brain ?

Why do I want it?
I don’t know
Perhaps there’s something
Inside me that I don’t know

I am a living lie
I’ve caused death and despair
I deserve the beating
Feel my blood trickle to my ear

I have no self confidence
No sense of self worth
But why should I?
These are things set up for me since birth

But I do know my cat
His name is Timmy
He’s always by my side
He is my family

He is a sentient being
Intelligent and loving
He will show his disgust
To anyone who might hurt him

He stands his ground
Catches rats for me
Yes he is part of the family
Vermin control a necessity

Nhlanhla and Nomhle
Mosa, Lufuno,
They all love him too,
He is well known it’s true

He speaks no English
But we get each other
We have a deep connection
To Mother Earth, she’s our mother

We share the same planet
We eat the same food
We get scared by some people
We hide, we don’t move

We don’t like loud noises
we’re sensitive to smells
We spend a lot of time sleeping
We can’t always reach the bathroom

His chromosomes differ to mine
But that’s all there is
We are both mammals
With a “brain”, heart, lungs, kidneys.....

Today I saw another animal
While I was at Mofolo
Slim with a slightly curled tail
I still don’t know what it is

Would it be my friend like Timmy?
Perhaps not, it’s probably wild
But at one time we all were
Wild and unaccustomed to each other

I fully trust Timmy
He can get angry of course
But I see the warning
He lets me know before it’s worse

Even his prey are predictable
I know they eat my vegetables
They never surprise me
They just do what rats do, you see

My other brain is fully switched on
Rethabile wanted to see it switched on,
But I don’t know how long it will last
Whether by Wednesday these thoughts have passed

It tells me to hurt me
It tells me to hate me
It wants to destroy me
Mentally and physically

Scratch out my eyes
Draw blood and bleed
Keep cutting, slicing,
Stabbing, make me bleed

Until the pain is enough
Keep ripping apart
My body, all of it
Tear it apart

Pull out my hair
Beat my head
There is nothing in it
I need to beat my head

Until I’m on the floor
I must beat and beat me
Keep causing pain
Draw blood till I’m drained to the core

I want to tear off my face
Cut off my limbs
Slash my stomach wide open
See the blood gush, everything open

I don’t deserve to be here
I don’t want to be here
Therefore there’s not much point
In keeping me here

People use their time
To sit with an idiot like me
A complete waste and disgrace,
A burden on society

Conclusion..... Ngikathele futhi I am a burden on society..
All society.

Nomkhumbulwa.... disgusted with myself **
Nomkhumbulwa Apr 2021
Words mumbled,
If any at all.
Staring at nothing,
If anything at all

Sunken red eyes,
Unable to focus,
Slumped over the chair,
**** pungent in the air

I hardly see you
We hardly speak
And when I try
You’re too tired to speak

You sit on the street
Drinking with friends
I’ve no problem with that
If only I could see you at weekends

I know you work hard
You deserve the rest too
For me it’s chocolate
Cannabis for you

But you’re one of many
Nearly all my friends smoke
Yet we still communicate
We can laugh, we can joke

They can still see me,
They notice me here
No matter the ****,
No matter the beer

But do you see me?
Am I just in the way?
I feel so alone
Even when you’re here all day

No communication
No conversation
Staring and smoking
Then blanket over the head sleeping

You awake snorting loudly
Giving me a fright
It doesn’t seem to bother you
In the middle of the night

I’m not really here
It’s like I’m a ghost
You look straight through me
Then go for a smoke

The body is limp
The mind unfocused
Hardly able to smile
Ignore what I suggest

I cannot change you
I get it, it’s you
You are inseparable
**** is number one for you

It’s not up for discussion
Should I ask you smoke less
It is just so insulting
To try change someone else

Just to cut down
One less joint a day,
I might see the person
Hidden by the smoke and haze

Is it my fault?
Am I making you like this?
I sincerely hope not
For us both it’s a loss

Do you still know me?
When can we talk?
Or enjoy time together
Just in the park

Or is this just it?
How it has to be
Is this how we live?
Us who don’t smoke ****

I live with a shell
An empty smoke filled case
Not interested in me
I can tell by the long drawn face

Is there anything inside?
Are you there at all?
How much longer do I wait?
What am I waiting for?

Do you still know me?
Or am I just a “thing “
I cannot stop your ****
That would be classed as a sin

Everything I ask
Is repeated ten times
Over and over and over
You still cannot take it in

Is this how we live?
If living is what this is
Or am I being too sensitive ?
About how you seem to live with your friends

But they are watching tv
I think you are too
Only to discover at 2am
You’re sleeping, passed out in the studio

It is clear to me now
That I matter the least
You have to please your friends
Even as I cook and you eat

Why do I want communication?
Is it a failure in me?
I just feel like there’s nothing
It’s even a chore for you to make me a tea

I mention the idea
Of spending time together
But it’s taken as an insult
Depriving you of your friends, together

We do our own things
That’s healthy I know
But to spend time together
It’s a chore, so much effort, I know

This is the end,
The relationship passed
Stuck here without you
While the **** takes all of you

You live for the ****
I know that is true,
If you had to choose between us
The **** would win, it’s true

It consumes your life
I guess that’s how it is
But is this it for me?
Do I marry someone who doesn’t see me?

I do get confused
As you expect me at night
After ignoring me all day,
How will I do things at night?

Surely for such intimacy
A relationship comes first
Or perhaps it’s just me,
Wanting what I don’t deserve

You’re not here Tsietsi
You make noises, not talk
The words make no sense
I might as well speak to a wall

I’m not trying to be cruel
I’m not anti ****
The last thing I want to do is control,
To take away what people need

But I’m confused and tired
Yet I’m never enough
I try to cook, grow veggies,
It’s still, still not enough

The relationship to you has meaning
Very different to that of mine
Washing the dishes, removing weeds,
Is the level of connection we enjoy

Is that enough for you?
That I’m just here to cook?
To sit silently, without you
Not trying to talk

Is this how it’s meant to be?
A life without you, only me?
A woman is to marry
But a woman is not to see

Or perhaps it’s just me?
Should I smoke **** too?
Am I mistaken?
We don’t need communication?

I say goodbye, not leaving,
I just know you’re no longer here,
I will carry on
While you keep the **** and beer

Goodbye Tsietsi.....,,, let me know when you wake up **
Apologies I’m new
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