I enter the small town coffee shop
desperate for caffiene
                           and a moment's respite

and I find it is to another era
I have come, hot and flustered

I look at the menu,
scratched in chalk on dusty board.
No artistic rendering  here
just a list of good honest food,
humble, but a smidgen dear

I order coffee, latte,
with cold milk on the side,
to which the large lady server
looks at me her head cocked to askew
and states, in a flat australian drawl,
that brings billabongs and jumbucks to mind...

Darl, I can make it tepid if ya wants,
or I cans put ya cold milk on the side
but I gotta charge ya extra..
for ya mouthful of chilled moo juice
smiling, lips thin and wide

I replied I'll still take the milk on the side
and one of those little peach cakes
if you don't mind.

She gave me a price and I complied,
thinking unto myself,
the moojuice, must originate
up on heaven's side and
cure all ills, ward off chills
and give only ....
joyous thoughts whilst one imbibes.

I sat at some old farm wifes table
worn down and grooved.
Come to town to shine in this caffiene shrine
rubbing my finger agin the edge
awaiting the latte and cold milk...
on the side....

Watching me from the prized corner table
three old dears.....
With stacked mahjong tiles, and swivelling ears

and on the floor crawling with gay abandon
two small children, in tandem,
they wandered amid the tables
on uneven floors the colour of slate,
deep dark wood, tongue  and groove...
that had seen to much walking, to much talking,
the tongues have slipped and the groove all but broken

As I await the cow to moo, the beans to grow
my heart slows a beat..I let go..
and see the joy, of a fella and a good cuppa,
two old friends caught up in a natter.
and the mahjong queens, realease the tiles
old friend and foes, in an a company of smiles

The cake comes, presented with due grace.
Two  pink half moons of light sponge
in a thin jelly and coconut case,
caught in a lover's kiss of delectable cream

and I understand now,
the cow is an angel,
a veritable dream,
to be loved and cosseted,
the moojuice... of moojuices
the mother of creams...

And now for caffiene...
well go figure...they know their beans

Refreshed and renewed I arise and I leave
but not before buying more moojuice
                                                      an­d moocream...

It would be nice..
To stop the reluctant patter of my footsteps
To silence the noises playing tetris in my head
To end the fidget produced by my hands
To rest my weary body in some comfortable corner

It would be nicer...
To catch an ounce of reassurance behind your stare
To concentrate on anything other than your mean sparkle
To learn the magic behind the art of tranquility
To do more than display forged smiles

It would be nicest...
To escape
To overcome
To prove
To shine

Your warmth slid through my body,
energizing every cell,
a tingling sensation.

You started at my lips and worked your way
down
through my throat
down my spine
past my stomach
around my legs
to my toes.

Part of me wanted to pull away
but I couldn't leave from your
mocha taste and firm grip-
my addiction.

I've never loved a sensation like this,
but I can't bring myself to tear away
from the caffiene that is your touch.

To me it feels like a worm
Wiggling its way
Through my bloodstream,
Making it icy and cold
And my heart turn
To frigid emotion.

It makes its way into my
Mind,
Slowing the thoughts
In some parts,
But giving the other parts,
The nervous parts,
The parts that hyperventilate
And have panic attacks,
Caffiene.

Breathing gets hard
Because
I'm underwater,
Or underground.
Buried alive,
Or sinking slowly.

I.
Can't.
Breathe.

The worm,
The worst part about the worm?
It feeds on my life.

Thoughts of you
Can keep
Sleep up all night

I refuse to battle
The bat of your eyelashes
My heart paces fast
As an attack
And when I die
A kiss
On the cheek
Electrifies

!!!ME!!!

Back to life
Why
Did you not
Let me rest
Though the kiss
Was just a greet
You know
It makes me weak
100 ways to stay awake
Through the rain
And their all
Memories
Of you
The sound
Of your name
Can drown the
Noise
Of a storm
Thundering
While the sun's out
Confused
Yet still
It has nothing on you

here i am

9 degrees celcius
dragging bins to the curb
breath frosting clouds
feet cringing from cold earth
muttering quiet obscenities
trying not to inhale trash perrfume
looking up to see sunrise colours dance
waving to brave/stupid morning walkers
thinking early birds are overrated
hearing  the resident kookaburras laugh
thinking caffiene, caffiene,  caffiene

here i am

Let's go get high on caffiene and drunk off each other.
Lets spend hours in coffee shops, with nothing in our stomaches but butterflies and my cappuccinos and your lattes. Let's become giddy and delusional and find everything amusing and not be able to do anything but laugh.
Lets drink and drive as we ride around to exciting places. With every turn down a new curvy road you'll travel deeper down the curvy roads of my mind. Ill become intoxicated and weak and you'll become more and more charming as with each turn we'll fall deeper into a drunken memory.

Life is not symmetrical.
An interesting ponderance
With unforseen,
Far-reaching consequence
And the green is in the profits
For the sages and prophets
Who drop it
Telling rhymes
To capsize time

And no one's around to stop it
Open to interpretation,
A cryptic message
Whose meaning gets lost in translation
When living in a basement
With one suitcase of baggage
And it amplifies
The black-tie strife
Of societal ties.

And you figure you figures
Add up to something bigger
While I'm a ghost just trying to capture
A bigger piece of the bigger picture
But got distracted by the frame
I look familiar
But you dont know my name
I look familiar...
Like looking in a mirror
Because we both look the same

But we're different
You see,

Im a dedicated runaway
Who ran away from home
Trying to escape
A world of computers
And cell phones
Pursuing a knowledge
I always have known
But the world's greatest minds
Never predicted this...

And my happy meal
Tastes like flies and ****
Yeah, ****.
Because someone ****** in my vinegar
And if I ever see justice,
I've got something to give to her

My eyes.
And the power of sight.
To open up her mind
And redirect her fight.
But I fall back
With no one to catch me
Forced to rely upon
Linguistic ability
Because its the power of speech
Which tells you to look both ways
Before you proceed
To walk across the street

And I know its not easy
To live on adrenaline and caffiene
But I'll chainsmoke cigarettes
And drink gin from the tub
And try to destroy
Another piece of myself everyday..
Until all thats left is love...

Life is not symmetrical.
Sometimes it rains on only one side of the street.

You are my caffeine
You make my heart race
You make me act kinda crazy
But I like the feeling from a caffeine kick
When your not there
My mood is low
My heart is slow
And all I want is something that makes me feel the same.
Even though I'm not addicted to you like I am caffeine
I still feel the same when you're not there.

cool. lightly scented. i sit alone in the reception of a spa. tranquil tones soothe the atmosphere. i lean against the wall, and wait. a fear of physical contact roots me to the spot; they will not touch me. impatiently. silently. i wait.

grey, cloud-tinted sunlight blankets the day. it was blistering heat earlier. i think of the way sweat pooled in the hollow of my chest as your tongue dipped over my collarbone. my back in damp grass. hoodies abandoned. who cares about a little mud when the things we do to each other go beyond *****? somebody might see was a quiet worry drowned out by rough breaths and guilty little whimpers.

now, i am thousands of miles away from you. six hours of time difference. phone vibrations. my unshakable conviction that you might leave me be if i ignore you, even as i miss your touch. sitting alone in a spa reception, too uncomfortable with the idea of hands on my skin. but i miss the pads of your fingertips digging into my sides. palms clamping my wrists either side of my head. pinned in place by ocean eyes that drown me.

we will leave for the secret garden soon. coffee will be placed between my palms. maybe hot. i'm feeling a chill in my bones that wants to be chased away. my mind's eyes conjures an image. memory. you sit across from me on four hours of sleep. your body vibrates on caffiene overload. you are like me sometimes. but my poison is bitter, coffee beans; your poison is an attack of fizzing sugar on your cardiovascular system.

maybe. maybe that's the answer. why you're sweet. why you escape confined spaces (read: relationships. you are like me sometimes.) like bubbles leaping from a can. maybe it's why i'm dark. with an aftertaste almost everybody is determined to chase away.

something tangy hangs on the air despite the spa's best attempts to provide aroma therapy. my mind pines for your natural scent. light washing powder. a little musky, like faint sweat. not the sweetest, but real and warm. i can find it. i reach for it, fingers finding warm skin. we press chest to chest and this hardly feels real. motorbikes and scooters rumble by. your voice is a ghost in my ear. too quiet to be present.

eyes open. receptionists wander. you are far away. my eyes glaze over anyway. sleepless nights and busy days. i slump into scenery: green grass, wrangled trees, a brick wall decorated with poison berries and stinging nettles, a blue sky with white clouds. your body above me.

Pros:                                              Cons:
- I quit caffiene                              - I feel exhausted
- I stopped over eating               - I hardly eat
- I sleep better                                - I stay up all night and sleep all                                                              ­        
                                                        ­         day
- I dream again                               - They're nightmares
- I'm healthier                                 - Almost all I "eat" are those                                                          
 ­                                                                health smoothies I get at work
- I'm more social                            - I'll talk to anyone if it will                                                             ­   
                                                             ­     keep me from thinking about                                                            ­
                                                                ­  you
- I'm no longer numb                   - I feel so much pain I'm getting                                                          ­
                                                                ­  panic attacks again
- I no longer stress over              - I don't care about school at all
   school work
- I'm writing again                          - I only write about you

How do you think I'm doing?

Beneath the ceilings
Along scheming walls
The shadows and the light
Brisk tether and play
In a palace of vertical hell

Through space and time
Beyond words or rhyme
Tired eyes let boredom lie
Lungs choking, drowning
In things that were missing

The curtains dance
Against the pale
Gloom of the morning
Struggling to find sway
With the echoes of the wind

Caffiene and nicotine
Accompany the day
I wonder how many times
I've tried to push
And shove them away

Sober bottles scattered
On blameless floors
Bringing to light
The deeds of the night
In non-existent memories

I am asleep in daylight
To slumber I awake

I'm twenty-one, I don't really know what I'm doing.
I have direction, I'm pointed the way I want my life to go.
I know life has its twists and turns, that worries me.
The future is beautiful in black,
So that's what it typically wears.
I don't know what it holds, no one does.
I want to know in all seriousness where all the giant squids are.
Because some days that's how I feel.
I'm a big-*** squid in a very shallow pond.
Most days however, I feel like a cat
If I were an actual cat; what color would I be?
Not that it matters.
I bet I'd be a short-haired cat.
Would my cat eat squid?
How can I break my addiction to anime, caffiene, nicotine, and jumping to conclusions?
What would nine year old me do if he found out that in twelve years his best friend would be the only person he hates?
What do you, the reader, think I am?
Am I man?
Or
Am I beast?
What does she see in me?
Why does it feel like I'm always looking into a mirror after a long hot shower?
You know;
When the glass is covered with condensation,
Why am I so afraid to go back to school?
What do I even want to do?
How can I change the people around me?
How do I keep those I hold dear smiling?
I swear I'm happy; trust that I would never lie about that.
I'm just so lost.
Dr. Pepper tastes so good but it reminds me of my old poetry.
Who knows what will happen in ten years, two days, three hours, fifteen minutes and twenty-six seconds?
More over, who gives a ****?
Perhaps this is just my quarter life crisis.

Its the caffiene, Its the nicotine
Its the everything
I smoke, drink, and cling to
Its my habitat
It must be cleaned too
Its the search for stronger, longer
Its the scent that can't be laundered
Its the smell of ***** from my pores
Whats there to use and off for more
Its the whole **** thing
So dance and puke and sing

You're the reason
I'm not breathin'
alone again
chainsmoking this evening away
all I need is nicotine
caffiene
and self-loathing
to make-believe I'm fine
the drugs make me jittery
and the hatred is comforting
I know **** well
the answer's in the roots
this is about me
but this is about you

So don't call me to check up
it just kills me a little more
and if you're so ******* worried
why didn't you say something before?
I don't need your sympathy
to wake up on a floor I don't recognize
you call it addiction
I call it coping
passing out each night
hoping it ends before I rise
I pray to god
you never hear these words
because you'll laugh
and nothing's ever hurt me more than that.

I've fallen empty again as its Monday night and I'm forced into another word battle with my over bearing and under protective ****** flatmates 
I don't know if I believed drugs ruined souls until I saw your hearts turn to vicodin art projects and your eyes to steel blades 
I thought love was a four letter word with nothing but warmth radiating from its vowels but now I know it to be a cold noun which is to be thrown at me when I'm not wanted in your presence 
Straws are for drinking hot coffee but yours are cut in two's and fueling nostrils with more than caffeine could ever hope to achieve 
Mary Lambert claims she's touched trees with charred limbs but I'm watching two burn out of control and I know the thing about forest fires is that they don't tend to stop
Stop lying that youre trying your hardest to stop competing with caffiene and that your heart will soon again pump clean blood 
We both know that lies and pills go hand in hand and soon each hand will be blue and cold and I sincerely hope you love each other because pretending you'll achieve what you can't possibly desire is a lonely way to go

I'm getting hyped up on caffiene
and ignoring my problems just
kind of trying to forget about
everything that has happened
and everything that will.

I'm tired of feeling neglected
and turning my head away-
pretending that what you've
been saying hasn't made me
want to just set mysef on fire
and ignore my true desires.

I'm sick of running up into
my bedroom to escape inside
of my virtual worlds to ignore
the lectures my parents have
been screaming to me.

I'm so fed up with the fights
my best friend and I get into
they're pointless and make
me want to turn away but
I truly cannot because she
means too much to me.

I'm saddened and physically
effected by the way I think
and feel about myself. I'm
pretty sure if everyone
somewhat enhanced the way
they acted towards me I'd
simply crack. Shatter. Fall
to the floor in my own tears.
Because I do not deserve
such greatness nor do I
deserve the hate that I've
been recieving.

But maybe they'd be better off
if that were to happen, they
wouldn't have me around to
complain and dump my feelings
everywhere from the drain that
is my mind

The only person that I really
want to stay around for is
someone who I really adore
he is everything to me and
more, in fact I dream about
him a lot which is just lovely
like the smile that he shows
to me in pictures that I hope
will sooner or later become
mine, his, our reality.
He's amazing.

In school they tell you that the heart is filled with blood,
I learned today this is truly not the case.
It is quite obvious my heart is filled to the brim with caffiene.

For as soon my heart was broken,
Something quite different from blood
Surged through my viens.

I'm restless, I'm energetic.
     Why did it have to be today?

I'm staring at the ceiling.
          What could I have said or done?

I'm tossing and turnng.
               How can I fix this?

I'm screaming into my pillow.
                    When did we go wrong?

I'm

hopelessly

awake.



And as much as I love my morning cup of coffee,
I'd much rather fall into a peaceful sleep
To escape this pain and set me free.

Twenty-Two and traveling international

thoughts travel as well

a smile crucified to my face

workbound from a hotel,

the morning looks excited

but my eyes try to fight it

my stomach and the radio discuss

and the sun warns me of its zeal.

My music plays

moving along the scene

i'd hope it'd move my emotions

an alternative caffiene,

the start of a new day

and my thoughts sway

curious about where I last had my purpose

the inspiration I feel.

Gone past hours,
Rooftop and midnight blues..
till the smoke mingled with stars
Till sky flooded without clues..
I stole my grandpa's whiskey for breakfast
And refilled my crippled caffiene glass
Ohh!! must I get over this -
For in no time'
I  could pick a stranger new
Only to abandon the ephemeral love tonight
Must i get over with muddy waters
Ohhh!! Must I with bukka white.

Born so silly, grown so tall,
A reckless rebel in the wings.
Though they say we had it all
We played not with given things.
A rusted barrel, broken sticks,
A junk pile hidden yonder.
Now as the sun rides up the sky
We sit and talk and sonder.
Remember still those days of light
('Cause mostly now we live at night)
Like mornings spent over caffiene,
We wish it lasted longer.
Now you're grown, and brighter still
With childish light and older mind,
I wish upon you certain things,
To the front of your heart
From the depths of mine:
Be kind, be careful,
'Cause no one knows
Where a person's life has grown
Be cautious, caring
I know you're tough
(But you can be a tad bit rough)
Be happy joyous,
As always, dear,
It's sometimes hard to find it here,
Be thoughtful and ponder,
All life's questions,
And don't settle for anyone less
Than the best one.
Most of all,
Don't forget how you got here
and not just in the physical sense.
Never pass off your state of mind
As just a sheer coincidence.
"So happy happy birthday
From all of us to you
We wish you happy birthday
So we can have one too! HEY!"

<3

When the caffiene fades
So does my smile
But that'll never change
At least not for a while.

i sit and watch,
the dust motes dance
in the stream of sunlight

the computer hums and burbles
like and old friend, intent on
sharing the latest gossip

last years detrius of papers
and unfinished lists, new job lists
teeter in the corner....

my backside has again grown
a size too ample,
for my ergonomic  chair

my brain is lax and lazy
slow to grind into gear....

this is the awkward,
i don't want to be here
start to the years marathon

it is the organizing of details
the preparation of the course

it is meetings and more meetings
dull, dry, academic, with others who
are in the same boat, those who want to
change course midstream, those who want to
tread water and those who are new to the game
rowing in circles with much enthusiasm, but little boatcraft


i, at present am resting oars, knowing this is the first
of many races, knowing the course, tho set, will change
when the students arrive, it is then the rapids come into play
and it is then, my energy, is required.

til then i cruise
and drink copious amounts of caffiene
in my air conditioned office....
watching the air, take dust motes,
for a ride.

After months and months Day after agonizing Day
they tell me she can't live through another night but she lingers somewhere
between this world and the next. Three days of this and every night they tell me the same thing.
After months of taking care of her by myself without Family or Friends honoring her request to die at Home and with Dignity. I have done my best for her without any qualms. Getting up every 2 hours to give her meds to keep her comfortable and out of pain living on coffee. tea or cokes. Caffiene running in my veins.
My Heart perpetually in my throat, the ache so bad I can't even describe it.

THREE DAYS AGO I need your arms around me holding me tight so I would know there was still life in me.
And Yesterday I needed your shoulder to cry on when I fell to pieces. All day I was one big mess.
And when I cried myself to sleep last night I needed your touch so badly that I was the one dying with the need.

But today I turned cold inside remembering you say you Love me, you say
you are there for me Always. You say I am your heart forever,
But the SILENCE of you the past three days have shouted through the rooftop of my heart, that all you did was Lie to me during my most vulnerable time.

I just want to yell
"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?
   WHAT WAS SO IMPORTANT'? when I needed you to talk to, you said you had business  and all I got was SILENCE the past three days.

WELL THE PAST THREE DAYS HAVE COME TO TONIGHT AND NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE NOW OR WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW,
LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE THE SILENCE FOREVER CAUSE THESE THREE DAYS HAVE SHOWN ME THAT I CAN SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU IN MY LIFE. I MADE IT THROUGH

IF I CAN SURVIVE THIS FROM YOU DURING THESE HORRIBLE DAYS AND NIGHTS OF HELL ON EARTH THEN I CAN SURVIVE THE REST OF THIS LIVING HELL
                                            WITHOUT YOU!

IT'S YOUR LOSS

YOU HAVE JUST LOST THE BEST PART OF YOU!

                                 SILENCE
                                         SILENCE
                                                    GONE!­

Raptured like a cocoon
Exploding black butterfly ooze
Cluttered with skyboxes in the room
Feels like I'm on ice, about to crack through

My body lies dormant in anxious
Wait for a sudden burst of fate
Fears swallow, rob me of language
Ice water runs through my veins
With ethanol, caffiene, nicotine and morphine and sometimes something else to sedate