These storybooks woven with leathery imbrication
Filling my palms with vile indication
Detailing such wickedness and strife
What ethereal threads cling to life?

Such labyrinthine desires scrapping in my mind
My soul from body; that body which isn’t kind
To delve deeper within the wounds that sever
To fellow wolves, demons and toothless beggars

Unholy martyrs preach from a podium underground
Ablaze in hellfire, monsters of the ravenous mound
Black tongues and cheeks full of worms and leeches
Coals flung and burning over deafening speeches

Sumptuous in eloquence, these tossers and man-boys
Evocative displays of violence, hushed by silence and toys
Beseeched, reprimanded in city squares with common folk
Feeding dogs in heat slop with a pail and tote

Children waving hi to people in cages, smiling indifferently
Don’t they know what this is? Yes and no, forever in shame
Don’t they know there be wickedness afoot?
There be shadows of molestation
And whips of industry
Eyes removed and replaced with bar-codes
There be devils amongst the valiant
And dark angels amongst us
The few and proud
Recite aloud:

        “Darkness brings uninvited guests
        And our bodies are bare
        Give us a blessing, a crumb or drop
        Of life that we all can share.”

Veins full of rubies and auburn sapphires
Creepers laced in the cowls of cadavers
Red water thicker than mud and spit
The fatherland sicker than a rotten ****

There be dark angels amongst us, telling tales deep-seated
They be grave and weary, their lives left defeated
Now in the wilderness they give slothful lectures
But it’s only fools who listen to these rambling specters

And soon no one listens
Save for the moon that glistens

Forgotten fights lost conversations and past conquests loom heavy in this scene of good times and past regrets .

Can you take me to that place we know   exists and all to often ignore sweetheart I'm not looking to change just be in the moment.

Dim lights and what never was the fire is a passion that never dies just is passed to another group for more of the same .

One last line and maybe take another home the emptiness suits some as time will bury us all.

Tonight is all that matters .
As we taste the wine that yesterday will never recall.

I'm the poet in the chaos and the writer in the moment That need be
Just a pawn of The words sweetheart I will be gone tommorow just the same.

Its all in a good time and a chapters end .

I will miss it one day.
Question is will they ever miss me.

Adios

Gonz

I walk into school,
and find your unique Blue glowing outline amoungst
the average outlined people.
i lean on your locker
as you tell me how the last
episode of the walking dead ended.
as i listen to your unique voice
i taste buttered popcorn.

it wasn't an unusual event.

It wasn't till the day,
I walked into school,
And i saw you,
you were sick and your voice was raspy.
but my brain refused to accept,
that it was you.
because you were lacking a ring of colour.
and your voice tasted of caramel,
and not of buttery popcorn,
and i asked you where your,
colours went,
it wasn't till then did i realise,
that i was not normal.
and thats when i was told,
that i had synesthesia.

Four days into the book tour I came to realize I was on the wrong
one but that Harry Potter tour  is a wild bunch  and i was living the rock n roll lifestyle  but little boys who ride on broomsticks and  resembled Elton John  really wasnt my crowd.

The univesty of South Carolina had many things to offer including just
turning of age  young ladies  who wanted to get wasted and drop there standards amoungst other things.

But who did they want really?
Gonzo  or the mildley attractive  man Gonzo was trapped in?
Who gives a **** man  its like  finding a ounce of  of ****
in your mothers  freezer hey just say no to drugs kids.

The Gonzo had been booked hungover  and  in a semi coma
i felt like the elephant man  the handsome *******.
chics dig the trunk.
Why cant they love you for your mind?

But much like my virginty.
I had lost that at eight  when grandpa Gonzo took me to a brothel.
Ahh what tender moments.
Yes grandpa almost had tears in his eyes
Son I can remember when i met your grandmother
in this very same place   i should say hello to her.

So like a oversexed teenager  I continued my
my madness like a idot trying to run a marathon with his
pants around his ankles.

The room seemed  hostle but i brought protection allthough these
condoms  really didnt seem to be for that purpose.
But God knows where that microphone had been.

They set ready with there pens and  other writing devices
with there big words  and tight sweeters.
But i was armed with a wild turkey buzz and a asortment skittels
better known as pills.

It was a blur of  bizzar questions  spoken in a strange language
I had way to much nyquill  and ***** punch  the night befor.
But Gonzo  was needed  and what more do kids in a frat need more than a keg party and some hot oil  wrestling.

This place was like disneyland on crack.
With its nonstop party enviroment  and bar games
Class what does learning have to do with being in college ?
these young people had tripped and taken to many drugs.

So i bid my new brothers farewell yes I will
think of you one day when  I have a memory.
And so are strange trip  was off once again.

Hey any more of that punch left?
We had acquired dwarf somwhere along the way
he was plesant and  sang Milley Cyruss songs  
while dressed up like Brittney Spears.

Dellusion is a sad thing indeed.
I didnt have the heart to tell him  he was outta key.
Although maybe it was just a side effect from the punch.
Anyways untill we meet again.

Stay crazy Gonzo

My weapon is voice today
'tis careless
a spell amoungst curs
it puts close friends in their places
and worried
(behind my back)
It kisses with mischeif
and muddies stray-fully

My weapon is played
a trial
a tool
to bring about my isolation
Then i may exit without notice
and unfollowed
a relief, in release

My real work shall begin abroad

love the person whom it isn't easy to,
where we find hearts hardest beat.
past pain holds us back from bloom
don’t hang that heart in defeat.
Petals will still spring buds anew,
love is closer than you think.

for ‘Love’ is,
to love the ‘you’ you’re offering.

grow strength from within, to reach out.
the way roots spread, to hold longer branches,
and fall short, when watered with doubt.
turning trust into lust and torn into ashes.
loves whisper can’t be heard if we shout,

for time, is worth it’s weight,
and to find yourself amoungst it.

As the wiser stars above will say,
if you love yourself little,
so will be your love and what you own.
so love yourself a great deal,
and grow colours you’d forgot you’ve sewn.

The scarecrow, solitary in the field
Tatty coat, all astray
Looks out over all his land
If he could talk, what would he say.

Summer,autumn, winter too
Wind and rain, clouds of grey
He never flinches from his post
If he could see, what would he say

Children play amoungst the crops
Neatly parcelled bales of hay
Days grow shorter, crisper, cooler
If he could hear, what would he say

Invisable tears and a broken heart
His lonely vigil every day
Timeless days and empty nights
If he could walk, would he walk away.

All that's left is lonely markers
silent words hardly ever read
where no one talks to their neighbours
centuries old stones at crazy angles
mourners heads bowed and hushed
wraiths moving in the mist
treading carefully amongst dead flowers
where even the poets rest their bones
- to sleep the longest sleep,,,,,

If drinking were a sport.
I think Id take the gold.
Even without your support.

But if it there were such a whiskey laced dream.
I think  id have to start my own drinking team.

You know in wine.
We could clean house.
With Baths everytime.

For the wild turkey relay yours truley Gary and Jack
would hold it down.
Make the whole team hello including Elliot frown.

Chris can drink his weight in Guinness.
and so easily win us a god medal for sure.
Who need  rehab  were in trainning  no problem to cure.

All the rest of the HP family  will  hang there head in
shame.
Cause when it cause when it comes to beer pong  
weve never lost a single game.

Thank God  for Paula. and Kerry cause sombobodys
gotta stay sober to remember the story.
And we always got Golden  to write about are glory.

And amoungst are group Danny is the youngest in
are humble dive.
Even if he doesnt have a license .
Id rather let him than my drunk *** drive.

In the   showcase  are  medals shall gleam.
Do you think your liver could handle.
Being part ofthe pubs drinking team

On Cabbage Mound the birds tweet gold,
So says the porridge eating man,
The spontaneous trek up that grassy reserve
(To see the flocks and frolics of finches conversing)
It’s a matter of season he said,
In joyous spring they produce song of glitter, but
Catch them under the wave of a solemn winter
And you shall only hear a dull twitter.

Often he leaves bowls of porridge upon that place,
Abandoned to absorb the view,
Wilting amoungst the bush and flora,
Like a planted trap for the lurking fauna,
Their ceramic bodies sit unnoticed and unaware,
Soaking in the sunrises and
Mourning the day’s ending
When the sun crawls under the horizon.

Early dawn conversations leak
From the finches’ rookeries,
Where they dwell cooped up
Amoungst feather and trinket,
Their endless nattering awakens the sun,
Coercing it to rise, and
Bleaching the ground in tints of orange.

A breakfast awaits them
Outside their homes
Of woven branches and loose fur;
Berries and scattered delicacies
(From the Sunday morning ramblers),
And perhaps a touch of porridge too.
They bury their beaks into the thick pools
Of weathered oatmeal,
And perpetually pick at plastic wrappings
Until their brandished beaks begin to go blunt and sore,
A monotonous task even for an eager flock,
But they never end their labour without reward.

After breakfast,
The porridge eating man
(With porridge in hand) arrives,
He approaches with a staggered limp,
Perhaps a scar from some late night disagreement,
He approaches holding his lower left limb,
The finches have come to learn his routine.

First he stops (whether to take in the view
Or to rest from the trudge up Cabbage Mound,
The birds have not yet asked),
Second he takes out a package
From his right pocket,
He undresses the wrapping
And produces a small pad of paper,
A pen follows, signifying
The start of settled concentration:
Strings of ink,
Intertwining lines and shapes,
Letters touching letters,
Forming meaning and breeding words,
A sharp coo startles the man,
Breaking his focus, and anchoring
Him back to sobriety,
Finally he disembarks from Cabbage Mound,
Turning his back to feathered insight
And slowly sinking behind the hill,
A bowl of porridge takes his place,
And so, it shall stay
Until the finches start to natter
And their hunger begins to ache.

Long after my injust exhile from  this  site I began a time of deep thinking.
And after many cervasas and long nights with ***** women I thought.
Where is my life going besides to the free clinic every other day to cure
the ******* of fire.

It was then I remembred a wise amigo a man amoungst many men
not because he was strange they just happend to all gather togather in that spot.
Unlike a bathhouse once I only went to a few times to have some male bonding
time and to enjoy a nice backrub.

But enough with my college years.
My once mighty amigo told me.
******* dont ever let them hold you back for the evil forces are many
yet you cant **** crazy  well maybe with a gun but that would take many bullets amigo.

It was then i knew I must return to the land of Hello.
To bring joy to many and annoy young teenage  writers who think vampires can walk around in daylight and werewolves run in large packs with other amigos in Alaska.
How I wish i lived there as well.

It had been far to long since this gravyard of like button zombies  had taken off
there pants turned off the lights  and  had a hot oil ****.
At least I hope that was oil.

It had been  a cold summer south of the boarder but that doesnt mean there wasnt fire down below.
Much like with older women.

So I packed the pinto and like a really fast minded person moving at a well
much slower gear I was off.
For where there is a need there is well a place people
probaly want something to suit that need.

So spank my spandex wearing *** and call me MR Pickles.
Cause The ******* has returned amigos.

Ole!!!

As we float here two miles high
Around us flocks of birds fly by
Without a density of less than one
We're well aware there'd be no fun
We like the view and have no wish
To plung and fall amoungst the fish
So please dear Lord for God's sake try
To keep us floating two miles high

There's something very sad about
Watching a big boulder erode away
Into millions of tiny grains of sand.

There's something very sad about
Finding the big dipper amoungst the stars
But never finding anything else.

There'a something very sad about
Realizing that this is your last horra
And the party is over.

There's something very sad about
Putting on a blindfold
And taking a sunset stroll on the beach.

There's just something very sad.

INTRO

What happens beyond the realms of  reasoning, where do the lines of  reality blur, How close are the boundaries between light and dark, between dusk and dawn.
  What takes us beyond the thresh hold, the point of  sunlight and shadows, Are  we lying in wait as our limitations are questioned? How many souls have been taken unwillingly to the depths .
         Fall into a place, this chaos which so quickly crept into me, slipping away bringing me back to thoughts of sanity.
  But tainted thoughts stain what innocence is left, making me vulnarble and weak.
  Corruption is tempting you to just give into its wicked ways, influenced by bad habits unable to be dealt with, your surccumed to the sins.
  Such problems now swallow you entirely. There is no cure to this disease, I'm fighting and pondering a hopeless battle, I see no victory for me in the end.
  I will never win, I fear and know this now.

CHAPTER ONE

After the silence entered me,got inside rmy head  ,the lack of sound drowned out all the outside noise . Oh so quiet my world became,except for a suttle  humming,buzzing which echoed in my ears, I could only make it cease with the voices in my mind,my thoughts which I could now hear, and I heard them loud and clear. I heard fear, panic,uncertainty, so many questions I had no answers for.  I told myself its just this happens,maybe its just age,it won't last, this silence won't last,right. Yet another voice told me that something has gone terribly wrong here,and that this is only the begging of my end.  Along came the silence with it then came isolation, one by one everyone I loved let me and has not yet came back. Not even strangers met my path, instead I came across loneliness who now won't leave my side, all alone left to deal with me by myself.

CHAPTER TWO


It didn't take much time until the whispers began at first they only came with dusk,the end of day,when the sun sets taking the light from the world. The sky dims ,lower and lower until all is covered with a blanket of darkness. Shadows creep in slowly cascading across my walls, they remind me that something wicked this way comes,the essence of dread is in the air. An unsettling aura keeps me from sleep, as night falls my eyes grow heavy and my mind is so tattered. Yet slumber eludes me for the fear is much stronger. I lye  awake yet another night. Up until yesterday only an unwelcoming silence suffocated me made my emptiness almost unbearable. Then,well then it was broken, in the 2am hour, a whisper entered my dreamless conscience mind,from no distinct place and yet from every direction both at once

CHAPTER THREE

With such length of time now with deaf ears, I instantly noticed the change of frequencies, though it spoke in a low,low pitch normally it would go unheard or simply mistaken as a gust of wind. But lying there uneasy amounst the darkness of solitude,lacking of sleep and being not of sound mind by this point, I had begun to speak my thoughts aloud, answering my own questions, listening to my own voice somehow gave me comfort when nothing else could. Whispers,quiet whispers echo into the night, for my ears only. I can't clearly understand what they tell me, but the tones of each word gave
off a unsettling undertones that sent chills through me, if only I could understand, but  my  translation of these whispers are inaudible, pinned down by a fear that I'm sinking in slowly,like quicksand,its slowing pulling me under. A catatonic scream paralyzes every part of me, and I can't stop this, this downward spiral into madness. A descent into insanity, I feel myself growing weaker as my mind struggles against  chaos and the discontent , my dreams are dying before my eyes that will not close so I might rest, no no lately the days have brought me only misery,and a question of my faith, it will not give me a moment of ease cause every night has been just the same

CHAPTER FOUR

Why is this happening to me, why won't this just stop, and let me be, this hope fades the longer I live this way, won't somebody come save me, I'm wasting away and I have no control , my will is broken now. How did I not see this coming, something wicked this way comes, it comes for my soul, every peice of me turns black, and it hurts until I'm numb, A sudden suffer rips over me just before dawn, I  understood the  whisperes after all ,go adead just give in, suffocation is near, taken into a sea of self despair, this life you live and breath isn't yours any longer, step by step you will stumble, until you fall, until your empty and hollow.  Where can I go, where will I run, when there's nowhere to hide, nowhere at all. I thought i saw a glimpse of the mourning sun before I fainted from the weight of realizing that I am far from the better days ,tomorrow will lead me further, is this real, or I'm I only dreaming, is this reality or have I imagined all of this, I just don't know these days, time laughs in my face, and I sit silent and still. Watching myself fall,and fall and fall

CHAPTER FIVE

  Down in the dark, an endless night, keeps away the sunshine, cause lately I've been stuck in the shade, wishing for brighter days that are so faintly seen in the distance, I fear none of my wishes will be granted, now many of will be destroyed. I can not change this spiral into extinction, helplessly I watch myself stumbling, crumbling, and slowly coming apart.
  As I live and breath, I see my life wasting away.
Choking on what is yet to come, everyday brings me another dose of misery and a lothing ache that spreads thru me , suffocation is draining me from the inside out, What is pain, I can't scream loud enough to express what has taken ahold of me these days
  All this crept in on me like a cloud, why me I keep asking myself, won't this just go away, won't this just let me be, did I deserve this, well did i , nobody should ever know these wicked ways and all the inflict upon your soul.

CHAPTER 6

Y So with my mind a mess so much so that my consintration strains each thought, I can barely function anymore, and sleep depervation blurs my vision,ive been seeing traces and objects that aren't really there. Plus add the pain, loneliness, and total breakdown of my will, the stress is more then I can handle, I bear a heavy burden, and the weight is crushing me, but what can I do, nothing, I can't run far enough,or hide where I can't be found, please save my soul I whisper aloud, to late the damage is done, this is how I will die, surcombed to a bittersweet end, one day at a time. Now adrift into the void that swallows me up ,and a darkness dissolved another
day

CHAPTER 7

Within a few days I have managed to lose everything, All I am, all I gave and all I  made of this life, Step by step I watched it taken from my grasp, I saw what I worked so hard for be stolen, so easily from me. Peice by price my very exsistance was shattering , All this has torn my world whole apart,  it is being taken out from right underneath my feet.
   Ya I've been experiencing some real trials and tribulations ,they say life isn't easy  but they don't go into depths of how ****** up it can be, or how far down you can fall without any warnings or signs that you didn't realize until it was to late and the damage has been done.  Oh no I've heard some really messed up stories about some of the **** some people have lived thru. But in my personal opinion my life started 2 days ago and it this life of mine since then has been slowly deterating,

CHAPTER 8

ya I'm a sad sort who isn't alive in a sense but instead a slipping mindless  lost soul, that has nothing to look forward to because tomorrow isn't going to be any better and it never will.
    When the sun rises up from the darkness  bringing you Into another morning your wishing harder and harder wouldn't come. That just one night would be your last and you wouldn't take another breath of the morning air. Why oh why can't you just fade out with the darkness,  why oh why can't these misfourtonate events of lately end, I just want everything to just end. And if you Were in my shoes I know for certain you would feel the same way as I do now.


CHAPTER 9

Y … Well I can not express these emotions that have, but they are intensely surging inside me. And I only wish I could share my pain, if only there was someone besides myself to share what I'm going through. It would make it a little easier, well probably not but at least someone else would understand,to feel what I do right now.
So it may seem like I'm droning on and on, Im probably not telling my story so anyone can make sense of it.
  So sorry if I haven't made sense or if I've told this scattered all about.  My thoughts aren't as sharp or clear as they were before this nightmare started, a few short no make that long,long days ago.

Chapter 10

YThis verse keeps repeating in the back of my mind, kinda like a
  song you  hear somewhere but your not sure where, and can't get outta your head ,you find yourself humming it subconsciously ,and this is whats stuck in mine.
  Here I am, Here in this place, Here in this state,Here I am a nowhere Wonderer.
  This is me, This is all of me, This is what I've become, This is who you see now, LA LA LA LA
  I hum this melancholy tune as sappy as it may be,all day long from morning to evening, 24 hours,no 48 hrs. , no 64 hrs. now. I guess I've lost count but it seems that there's been a broken record placed someplace inside my head.

chapter 11

YSo this brings me back to the present hour.  And once again, yet one more day which hasnt let up on any of torment continuing to be inflicted upon my mind, body and soul. I struggled through the sunlight until the moonlight shone down upon me.
  Naturally I find myself lying silent and still, insomnia plagues my weairy self , drained of any motivation. I really couldn't move or accomplish a single thing, I felt frozen inside myself, trapped in a almost vegetable state.
      Dropped in the velvet shroud of darkness, night has placed a veil over the land, and it has me in its embrass but instead of a calming drowsiness as  all others are effected, I instead have an allergic reaction.  For sleep will not come to my tired restless soul, not when fear enters the mind and stirs up the worst of thoughts, how can I relax with such horrible not stations.
      

Chapter 12

T  Here I am starring into the air as the clock marks 3 in the am hour.  I almost thought I might or that I could catch a few zzzzz's, a quick cat nap to recooperate,to regenerate my mind,oh yes my mind in such a desperate need of rest. As well as my body, my sore,aching bones, im throbing all the way to my very core. So when I felt at ease for how ever brief a moment it may last I willed sleep to come, sandman bring me to the land of nod, please oh please.
  But of course as I shouldn't of expected much less, I blinked and my moment was gone, once more I wouldn't dream,wouldn't sleep, wouldn't find slumber or any escape from my new found reality,
In a land far far away, fantasy and make beleive are put on pause cause my presence has been marked absent

Chapter 13

   They started in a low low  tone, the whispers.
Whisper,whisper,whisper, ascending louder with each tick tock of the clocks hands, clockwise,round and round the clocks face marking time, reminding me my life grows shorter with each tick and each tock.
  Ya t-i-m-e isn't on my side, oh no its not, but it makes me feel lm gonna die, and I'll keep running back, yes I'll keep running back.  Ya I can't stop even if I tried. N-o-o-o time isn't on my side, and that's a brutal fact.
Hhiisss, hiss, blahblahblah,yaddayaddayadda, mumbles of the incoherent voices, the voices I guess if that's what you want to call them, these whispers calling out to me, relentlessly tearing me down , thru all the twilight hours
of the night.
   With the morning dawn,  the whispers grow quite once more, disapating with the dark skies.
  Im conflicted by the sight of the sun rising, not sure if I welcome the light of day or curse another day I find myself in it.
  For one daybreak ends the whispers which I'm sssooo thankful for, but yet its another day I have to deal with the misery and pain that seems to intensify with every day that comes and gos and comes back for another round.
  
  

chapter 14


  I got a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror today and I almost didn't recognize the stranger staring back at me me face had changed, my cheeks where sunken in, I didn't notice how much weight I had lost, but I guess I hadn't eaten a thing for days I just had no appetite the thought of food made me nausious, so I went without.
  And my eyes they looked so vacant my pupils where so dialated like eyes gone black, to match the deep darkened circles under them.
Just a glance and you could tell ive been neglecting my health, I looked pretty banged up, a real mess. I didn't dare look to long cause my appearance made me sick to my stomach, in only  3 days going on 4 I seemed to have aged 10 years, and the deeping lines on my face showed it.
Oh what a sorry sight I am, and I'm glad no one will see me this way, even if someone did I had a feeling they wouldn't even care. I let out a depressing sigh I am damaged goods now, this black cloud that hangs over me has made sure to push and shove everything I had, all that I loved. Took my life right out of my hands and crushed it, so that piece by price my life wasn't my own anymore, I had nothing to link me to the life I once knew. Why me, I don't think I'll ever know. But what a tangled web they've wooven for me, and on that note I let out another mournful sigh.
  

Chapter 15

YSo I push and shove well corruption bends my will, no matter what I do I can not make it still. Instead Im inflicted with a disease that there is known cure for, my diagnosis is a fatal one with a slim chance to nil that I'm gonna go into remission and win,having a full recovery, , I can feel it in my bones and I just know I will lose this battle,no matter how tough or how hard I fight against this,this bad bad thing, this destroyer of souls, this devourer of free will, this monster in my nightmares that has crawled out from my dreams to haunt me well I'm awake. I think I'm going crazy, but Im watching myself go insane and I have no control, how maddning this situation has reached, reaching out without reasoning.


Chapter 16

  So here I am still as another day finds the dawn and once more I watch the sun rise, but I can't see the beauty in this anymore.
Now I believe this makes day four without sleep, without rest, without happiness, without any emotion or feeling, except the constant dread and emptiness that has drained me dry.
  I can tell this wickedness has grown a little stronger, its borrowing its way into my soul.
  Alls I can do is helplessly sit back and and wait, to just let this happen to me, and realizing this only makes me weaker. Im becoming such a fragile being, I'm almost afraid to move from this spot, cause my brittle body will most likely shatter to peices.


Chapter 17

Tick tock, tick tock the clock laughs in my face, it screams at me telling me that time has no meaning in my life from this moment on, and as the hands round the clocks face hour after hour, tick tock tick tock, your running out of time , your life is coming to an end sooner then later.
  Amoungst the buzzing silence of the daytime, I hear the clock somewhere in the background, its becoming a nuisance, annoying me just enough to where I can't possibly try to ignore it.
  I sit here silent and still, motionless , paralyzed from fea

This is my piece for Speech. Tell me honestly what you think. :)

Mom...…I know this might come as a shock to you, I know me changing from a seemingly happy, elementary school kid into a depressed, angry teenager was, but ever since I can remember...I saw them. I saw things. I didn't know what they were, I didn't want to know. Some terrified me, some comforted me, letting me know that I wasn't alone in my world of misery.
I guess that’s the strange thing about monsters. When you’re all alone, you’re scared of them and yet, in that very moment, you feel like-you don't have to...lie.
When facing the terms of my past, I uncovered something deeply disturbing only a few years ago. As a child and even now as a sixteen year old teenager, I had a problem, deep in my head and it’s Schizophrenia. Now, I tell you the story of a young girl with a broken heart, laced with the truths of myself in  My True, Suicidal letter of Woe: Lost, Alone, and Searching for Home.
You never knew and I never told. You never bothered to notice how I would always look over my shoulder, or stay cooped up in my room with safe, warm books and blankets. Even when I told you I was depressed and suicidal only months before this was written, when all that time I tried to make it clear that I’m not okay and that I tried to end it all and continue to hurt myself to try and compensate the emptiness I feel, you told me to stop talking nonsense and turned me away...my own mother as I sought refuge in your warmth and compassion. Why did you do that? Am I just wrong for feeling this way? Well I'm sorry it had to come to this, me letting go of the hurt, pain, and myself.
You're probably wondering why-why did I come out to be this way?
I can barely remember myself but I do remember the first time I went insane.
I was already a tad crazy at the time when...she came.
Sierra Rose Reeck.
Drop one of the e’s, put a w before that and it spells wreck, like how she wrecked my life the moment she entered it.
We hit it off immediately, being the only seven year olds in the area of our little dead end caddy corner. Later, when we were a little older, she would talk about things that go bump in the night. Ghosts and things amoungst the paranormal that fed my own wild imagination. We would go out on daring adventures-we turned to each other for...adventures.
It was fourth grade the first time she brought up the subject. I was curious, I read all the time and my thirst for knowledge of the unknown was unquenchable. It was harmless, nothing any normal lesbian couple would do in public but to me, to me it felt like the most wrongful, dirtiest act I could possibly do.
With both my parents being so openly homophobic, I shut into myself. I was ashamed and embarrassed and scared of what they might think. Imagine, a small fourth grader, confused by the act she just committed she’d been told was wrong.
But I know now that exploring my sexuality as a young girl was okay. I didn't need to be embarrassed, I could kiss and hold and hug without feeling disgusted. But I didn't know that and all those feelings churned in my gut every single time I even looked at her, making me almost gag instinctively.

Soon, it became a regular thing.

Adventures and I’m not talking about the intimate, I’m talking about adventures. Like fighting bad guys and discovering new places. Every day we would find a hidden treasure in our town and explore it to our heart’s content and at those moments, I felt free for a second. Laughing with my best friend and not worrying. Until I realized, as we walked back, that nothing had changed. I was still a sick little monster.
We grew older and our meetings became less frequent as I became comfortable with being straight, knowing that I was not in love with my best friend emotionally or physically.
As the years passed on, I became almost obsessed with the paranormal. I've read Twilight almost fifty times. The entire series that is. She would talk about vampires and werewolves and I could believe her. Believe I was apart of something so special no one could touch, hear, or even sense it.
It was wonderful. But it also hurt me. It twisted my reality until it was one of my vivid dreams. She told me my dreams were beautiful, they told me of unspoken lands and an even more unspoken for future. We planned our future and knew we’d live next to each other, attend the same college and our babies would be best friends...just like us.

I haven’t spoken to her in over a year.

They became worse. The monsters. Sometimes in my dreams, sometimes when I’m in school. High school *****, especially when you think any new person that comes to the school is some vampire hottie waiting to change you into an immortal bombshell and whisk you off into a better place. But you know better, you aren't a **** Dorothy, now are you because this isn't home.
It’s been better now but, sometimes I still see the monsters. Sometimes, my anxiety kicks in and I have to dig my nails into my arm till I bleed.
Sometimes it’s not my nails but the sharp sting of a razor sliding across my skin in sweet ecstasy as I let go and release all of my hurt, and knowing it is all the hurt and anger I can possess and yet still a little bit more every day as I get sick with the very sight of human existence; I was-I am schizophrenic. I've never told anyone this before. I usually keep it bottled up inside until I realized I can’t. I can’t keep being turned away from you mom.
Don’t stand there so shocked or saying, “how could my poor baby do this?” You knew because I told you for years! You never listened, you were scared and so was Daddy!
I found comfort in writing and reading. It made the worlds in my head seem possible.
Dress me in something nice as I lay in my coffin, don’t let me die ugly. I've been called it way too many times while living.
You’ll move on. You've got my younger brothers to take care of and they will need their mother. Be there for them. Tell them I love them and I didn't want to go, but I had to. Tell Daddy I love him.
There’s something I forgot to tell you. There’s one monster, always keeps coming back but it doesn't scare me, it comforts me, gives me the love and support you never did when dealing with my depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and insanity. It was you, or at least resembled you and you loved me for me.
I know this letter sounds bitter and angry but I’m not mad mom. I don’t hate you and I would never hold you against something you had no control over. You were just lost, like me.
I love you mommy and now I’m home and I’m not lost. I’m not alone. I don’t see them anymore because I. Am.Free.

Little lady next
door dressed in 1920
long grey skirt and blouse

goes out everyday
with her hair tied in a bun
wearing black boot shoes

she quietly walks the
pavements amoungst a lot of
other people

buildings seem so big
no horse and cart just metal
things with four wheels

no kids play outside
so smiley happy go
lucky children

instead she sees a glow
from each child's hand , there eyes
engrossed in something!!

yet the sky stays the same
just differs in colours , clouds appear happy or sad

the sun shines the moon
glows and stars continue to
twinkle starry bright

trees never change ,  she
smiles at natures will to never
change its beauty

a China man bumps
into her , they both stare for
a second or two

then off they walk on
pavements amoungst a lot
of other people

The streets were not as mean as history
said they would be,
especially after a night out
at the bier haus,
where we filled our grosse steins
with litres of hops
& barley
& natural carbonation.
It really wasn't a nation full of crazies,
but rather
one full of serious frunken fun
& frolicking amoungst the bauchnabels
with liebe.

Tall and dark
A handsome face
She walks amoungst the thorns
Pricking them first
Laughter in angst
Remorse in the joyous

Eyebrows flare, eyes rolled to white
She dulled the jewels on the beetles back
She convinced the bird to veer from flight
She crushed the soul of the earth’s core
Crunched it like a pit
And let bloom decay.

#1

I’m no good at merrymaking
I do it alone
I do it dark
And I go at it with rabid excess
I am fellow to it
Until morning
And I make the morning hurt
A mark is embed


#2

Amoungst great company
I am dog unwanted
In the comapany of one
I am villain bird
I am influence
I hit a drinking partner in the weak knees of weak truths
And things go madly south
But tonite I am alone
As I ought
And not sought out


#3

Astray from the fireside
Into the woods
In the territory
Where I fear to thread the pathways
I shall recover my work
In the graven woodland
I shall face myself down
And bed darkness
Where I am truely wed


#4

Thriving and well hausted
I strain and clamp upon the energy
I face my enemy
My power
I bide from his readings
I make ****** pleasings
Form verbal greeting
And extend a hand
For this
The first of many a meeting


#5

Upon this connection
This Faustian reflection
I make the primal
The woe in me
And the red wash of ravenous pages
My activity
My moulded tool
My rage
My howl against creativity

Do you ever look in the mirror and hope to see what you're not,
for all of your worries and frown lines to have been banished from your face,
the hurt from your sunken eyes to have gone whilst you slept,
the knots in your hair to have unraveled themselves,
for your knuckles to no longer ache,
and for you to have more strength,
for your shoulders to become less tense,
your body to be light,
to drift amoungst others,
who envy your ease in this world.

The flowers have risen
Rose from the dead they did,
From winters grip did the flowers spring
A Scarlet Carson blooms again.
The old oak tree trumps over me
As the leaves of green shadow consumes me
Aghast I walk amoungst the forest crops
The summer sooths me again.
Warm air arose to bring
A summer swell for me to keep
Neat old sights from a clear ol' night
The flowers sleep on a calm Ravine
Watered slightly by a shallow stream
With warm air, to aid there care
The summer smooth fixes those summer blues.

So often i feel the words
on my tongue
and you can taste them
when you kiss me
you know they exist on my brain

So often we manipulate
and distort our paragraghs
to ensure those words protection
but we know
silently we stare at dim lights
and we smile
like overused expressions
we test our limits
making sure not to repell
eachother away

And we love it
we hide that word combination
amoungst dizzy
and scattered body language
thrown into dust

We fear unknown implications
of the destructive beauty
caused by the words
" i love you "

The life you live is but a lie.
An iniquitous mind,
A cataclysmic sign.

You know why you do it,
You know that you lie,
You know it’s delinquency every time.

But is it so nefarious to lie?
I only do it to be liked,
I desire to be loved,
So I cry.

Trying to find a way to get by,
Screaming out for someone to mind,
For being alone is an anguish on the soul,
A soul looking for a home,
Amoungst those that do not know,
That really you’re just alone.

Would they hate you,
Berate you,
Best you down with their scorning cries,
If they knew what was happening inside?

That’s why I lie,
That’s who I am,
It is my reality.

So please forgive me,
Love me,
Don’t make me hide,
I just need someone to confide in,
And tell me it’s all going to be alright.

It’s a nice seat over
here on the safer bank,
where I’ve chosen
a cozy spot
to sit & contemplate
the future of my world,
watching
those narrow-minded-fools
fighting
amoungst themselves,
cannibalizing
each other’s dark hearts,
& giving me time
to start all over again,
now stronger
than before
the melee
began.

soundly drifting into sleep
I dream of far away
like glitter in the dark night
the stars burned in my eyes
imagine being lost in space
feeling in a silent trace
close enough to the stars to think
it might be worth the reach
waiting for nothing sun to rise
for it is only just a dream
and I can never be one with the Galaxy
but how wonderful would it be
to be at peace amoungst the stars
sweet dreams

There are only so many things words can express
There are only so many things actions can show
But there are an infinite amount of times two souls  can dance without  being tainted by the mind and earth
Even amoungst my pain you make me smile
which is dangerous because I know I cause u pain
Inorder for me not to cause u pain I need to go through  this pain alone...

Am I crazy? Would I know if I was?
Do I belong here? Amoungst the common screams and constant buzz?
Next to the white hospital beds?
Where they put tubes in your throat and drills in your head?

I have screamed and I have fought,
I won't spend another minute here, just waiting to rot.
I'm losing the sanity that was once mine,
the difference between science and madness is a blurred line.

Now I'm running down long white corridors,
I'm a rat, in which they can lure.
Why was I foolish enough to dream of escape?
There is no leaving 'Asylum Estate.'