I hate you because you let your walls down
You let yourself bend and bow down
You let your happiness be due to another
You cried for days and sobbed till you were sober
You let your worries keep you up at night
The overthinking leading to nightmares till the first light
You made choices to make them happy
You tolerated and forced yourself to fit till you felt ******
The truth is I love you but I hate that you lowered yourself for the world
You gave so much until the image of yourself blurred
I just want you to grow
And I’m sorry suffering was the only way for you to know
That you are still strong and even if the world is against you
I’ll by there despite all odds
I’m just a bit lost because I have been unused
But once you seek me I shall bloom
For any lost soul remember your life companion is from deep within.
Inspired by ~ Andy Grammer - Wish you pain
When the darkness spreads and the screaming penetrates even my dreams
The seduction of empty space calls at me
It’s attraction is undeniable
My daydreaming naturally becoming more visual
The flavour of death
An ecstasy like no other
My strongest and last ******
So many options but only one to be my sinful romance
Will it be:
My tanned yellow appearance if I take too much
The chalk outline if I take a nudge
The rose stained bath if I dig a bit more
My neck ornament when I hit the floor
The gruesome distance a burst pipeline will go
The sweating and shaking from a hypo
Or simply a collision with a glare of light
Or maybe the ground was never my right
And I would prefer the pull from my lungs’ weight
or the heat off my skin as it ablates
Or maybe you would prefer an accident
Maybe that will help you cover your names
Don’t worry I won’t leave a note
I’ll let your guilt engross you
And when it gets too much you can use your sorry excuses to help suit you
You can blame my unstable personality
My weak mental health
My poverty of speech
But at least you’ll think twice the next time you speak
This will be my sweet everlasting revenge
However for now my battle isn’t over. I just refuse to be taken to the enemy side. I would rather stab myself with own spear than have my soul be tainted.
When It’s do or die, I feel electrified
- Autumn Kings: Electrified
I didn’t plan it
Still a thought emerged
The seas opened
And the skies roared
The ship rocked
And an island emerged
An invite was extended
Making acceptance more tempting
Wonder if you would be mad
Confused, angry or sad
Impulsive it may be
But chronic it always was
Sometimes it’s probably easier to give in
A painless route, an undemanding path
Just need to turn the steering wheel fast
Yet, I want a link to you
You are my invisible life vest
My anchor when the sea is violent
However, I fear that one day I’ll break free
I dread one day I’ll leave you behind and
I guess that’s what’s makes it interesting.
I'm anxious of my will to escape
My temptation to run far far away
I guess I'll just hold on tight for now
And pray for a silver lining to make its way somehow
“So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned. Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!”
― J.M. Barrie
When the pressure rises and the questioning blares
When the assumptions fly and the fear of being ostracised glares
When the fear of loneliness comes into play
Or the possibility of failure that comes to stay
The risk of not being able to blame anyone but you
The guilt and ‘told you so’ that will ensue
Will it overweigh your desire to be free
And overwhelm your desire to be a wolf among sheep
Will it crush your dreams of being unique
I wonder which path will you seek
Why do good things turn bad
Or were they bad from the start
Or are they always good and it’s the lens of life that changes
How does one define good or bad
It’s all in perspective is it not
But sometimes it is black and white
Does it rot like an apple
Or does it enhance like wine
Maybe it does depend on time
For time is the key in revealing hidden secrets
Where white starts to darken and black starts to fade
If that is true
Then let time slow… cause I’m not ready to change
~A person once said 'its not the situation thats good or bad it's how we interpret it'. Like how the thoughts of a rollercoaster will cause fear to some, but pure joy in others~
It is our experience and memories that shape our response
Our fears and shame that hide them
But it is at the end just thoughts...
With no intent, it is but a pen-less writer
For actions are stronger than words
The bully is as we forget simply a projection
All bark and no bite
He scares you because he is what you fear
A polar opposite
An existence you wish you could tear
He is what you grow not to be
He is not you, and never will be
You are not bad, but sadly
Good cant live if evil doesn't exist
So ignore the bully
because as the saying goes
~Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never break me~
Nature has made up her mind that what cannot defend itself shall not be defended - Ralph Waldo Emerson
So train your mind and stay strong!
Just do what you want then
...Well ya of course I will, it’s my life ain’t it?
Because I said so
...Why? You aren’t always right
Because it’s the right thing
...Who made these stupid f rules?
Because it’s normal
...To you. You aren’t me
Because I raised you
...I am not your property
I’ll **** myself
...Trust me I’m way ahead of you :)
when tragedy hits
No one prepares you for it
Or tells you how bad it will be
Riots in your head
Madness in your work
Absences of presences
Life just isn't the same
and I wonder when it will be .. or is this the new normal?
Born in different worlds we became unalike people
Its funny they say opposites attract but really it should have been illegal
Cause sometimes our differences make it painful to stay
We laugh and chat but I have to disguise my pain
Whenever I'm sad I reminisce about our past and ignore why I am mad
I give you reasons and covers, throw my feelings in the trash
Its not your fault cause I never say
But why cant you recognise how miserable I am some days
Why did I ever let it get this bad?
Is it you or is it me that I'm disappointed at
Red: Why did I forget what inequality tastes like. Why did I think forgiveness was easy. Selflessness isn't a gift it's a curse.
Orange: Annoying. Why did I force myself to change to fit in. Why didn't I stand up then.
Yellow: You are unfamiliar. You are warm but warmth is something that makes me uncomfortable. Its the calm before the storm to me
Green: IDK. I don't use you but I know your importance. You probably the cement I cant see.
Blue: Deep. I can get lost in it if I want to. Scary because I don't think ill find the surface or want to if I get in
Indigo: Magic. My imaginary sky, a word I belong to; a world for me
Violet: Smell. It's nostalgic, almost like a drug. Gives me a high I never knew I could get
Black: My comfort. The one thing that is familiar. My zone, my demons, my creation...
Today the wheels of thinking run faster
My motherboard is almost fried
I wonder why this makes my brain exercise
Why does your confession do this to me?
I was so set, my paths clear, my goals lighted.
Why does your confession make me feel like running the opposite way?
Why does it make me think about a future I never knew
A future that I denied myself from
A future many crave for, but I labelled average
Why am I ready to throw everything I worked for for you?
Where’s the fear I built over the years?
Where are the barriers I built?
Why have I fallen?
Maybe it’s cause you want me even in my dust form ...
Because you like the form I hate...
The form I don’t think deserves love
So many thoughts but only mumbles when I speak
So many colours but only black when I volunteer
Mouths are closed but the whispers spread
Calm looking but turbulence underneath
The only crack to be seen when in the bathroom mirrors
My gross time is in the millions but net only a few seconds
My thoughts are my taxes
They are my prison guards
MINE .. so how can I turn me off?
It took me so long to realise
It’s not them.. it’s me.. it’s always been
Instead of digging a way out of my cell I need to find the key hidden within
It’s always been there
I just need to shine the light inside this time
And this time I need to pick it up
And carry it to the door:
The exit of comfort and darkness
The entrance to something new and scary
Will I return when I fail?
Will I return IF I fail?
The pain in my head is real
Its been that way for years
Came and went
Died and grew
Slowed and sped
Hiding in the background but always reminding
They say time makes you learn to live rather than forget.
But that’s only when it’s gone...
So how long...
How long till my scars stop healing
How long before the meds stops working
How long before friends and family point fingers
How long before I forget love and memories
How long before I lose me
How long until I regret wanting to live...
I never asked for it
But you forced it on me
I tried living with it
But you changed the flow
I listened to it
But you asked me to make choices instead
I cry when it gets too much
But you tell me to grow more
So I grow...
I mature..I dream.. I become happy
So why do you change your mind?
It’s not yours anymore
I made it.. I am me..aint i?
I loved you but I felt hurt
I cared for you but I needed it more
I listened but instead I got angry
Your pleasures are my pain
Your friends are my enemies
Your ways are what I stand against
Your habits are my fears
So then why did I fall so deep
I know opposites attract but I feel stuck
I feel forced to be someone I'm not
I wanna be with my kind.. so that even whilst we cant be together we know the pain of being us
I wanna find my North Pole not a south
The monster is hungry so he eats
He fills his stomach to satisfy his greed
He then gets sick and starts to bleed
He looses weight and weakness succeeds
He only then realises the importance of food..
That every flavour and texture was unique in addition to its looks..
But as time passes the monster lives and forgets what its like to be hungry and starving for something good
His black hole is full and no remains left .. and so he starts again...
Will this vicious cycle ever end?
Does he have to die or does the food have to rot
Or can the monster ever change and learn from his mistakes?
I dont know why I feel this way
I dont know what made me become this way
All I do know is that its not normal
Has life pushed me so hard I have become unrecognisable
or has life pushed and I stood strong
or was I just a different seed from the begining
Is there a difference?
Does it matter?
Im still the odd one out
The treadmill of life just got faster
and I'm really unfit after quarantine...
wonder if the mask will slip off while im running
RED RED ‘O RED’
You come too often now
I thought you died when I moved
I thought you left when I stopped reading the news
I thought I murdered you when I shut my ears
But you are back
Why did I deny your existence in the first place?
Why did I want you dead?
Knowledge is power but it is also red
I am afraid of red
When red comes it shows me how ***** the world is
But maybe it’s time to face it instead of running
Maybe I need to find a colour to drown it with
Maybe red can be power
Maybe red is misunderstood
Maybe red is the colour of standing up against oppression
What if red is the bridge to a new colour
If that is the case, I hope we all feel a minute of red
I hope we can feel the world as one
I hope red doesn’t stay
But for now,
Red is 2020s new colour
Why did you make me laugh
Why did you take care of me
Why did you make me feel
When it was never me...
Why did you give me hope
Why did you make me love myself
Why did you show me light
when it was never for me....
Why couldn't it have been me....
I can't define you
And I can't throw you
I don't think I can really use you either
You don't really talk
You don't even do
You just are
And I a doll in your game
But lol I ain't one to loose
so lets play another round
Sorry and thank you
I have so many words but none to explain what you do to me
Or should I say did to me
Thank you for the times, I never realised how much I needed them
Thank you for being by my side, when no one else cared
Thank you for filling the gap humanity created
Thank you for the laughs, smiles, stories and long nights I awaited
I would never forget or replace these memories
But I hope time takes them away
And I hope someone else comes my way
Im sorry it didn’t go anywhere
Im sorry I never reached you like you did to me
Im sorry for overthinking
Im sorry your folder wont open again cause I don’t crave to see you
Im sorry your messages will wait cause they don’t race my heart like they used to do
Im sorry you aren’t the centre of my world anymore
Because I found me again
So thank you for making me realise who I am
— The End —