when tragedy hits
No one prepares you for it
Or tells you how bad it will be
Riots in your head
Madness in your work
Absences of presences
Life just isn't the same
and I wonder when it will be .. or is this the new normal?
Born in different worlds we became unalike people
Its funny they say opposites attract but really it should have been illegal
Cause sometimes our differences make it painful to stay
We laugh and chat but I have to disguise my pain
Whenever I'm sad I reminisce about our past and ignore why I am mad
I give you reasons and covers, throw my feelings in the trash
Its not your fault cause I never say
But why cant you recognise how miserable I am some days
Why did I ever let it get this bad?
Is it you or is it me that I'm disappointed at
Red: Why did I forget what inequality tastes like. Why did I think forgiveness was was easy. Selflessness isn't a gift it's a curse.
Orange: Annoying. Why did I force myself to change to fit in. Why didn't I stand up then.
Yellow: You are unfamiliar. You are warm but warmth is something that makes me uncomfortable. Its the calm before the storm to me
Green: IDK. I don't use you but I know your importance. You probably the cement I cant see.
Blue: Deep. I can get lost in it if I want to. Scary because I don't think ill find the surface or want to if I get in
Indigo: Magic. My imaginary sky, a word I belong to; a world for me
Violet: Smell. It's nostalgic, almost like a drug. Gives me a high I never knew I could get
Black: My comfort. The one thing that is familiar. My zone, my demons, my creation...
Today the wheels of thinking run faster
My motherboard is almost fried
I wonder why this makes my brain exercise
Why does your confession do this to me?
I was so set, my paths cleaned, my goals lighted.
Why does your confession make me feel like running the opposite way?
Why does it make me think about a future I never knew
A future that I denied myself from
A future many crave for but I labelled average
Why am I ready to throw everything I worked for for you?
Where’s the fear I built over the years?
Where are the barriers I built?
Why have I fallen?
Maybe it’s cause you want me even in my dust form ...
Because you like the form I hate...
The form I don’t think deserves love
So many thoughts but only mumbles when I speak
So many colours but only black when I volunteer
Mouths are closed but the whispers spread
Calm looking but turbulence underneath
The only crack to be seen when in the bathroom mirrors
My gross time is in the millions but net only a few seconds
My thoughts are my taxes
They are my prison guards
MINE .. so how can I turn me off?
It took me so long to realise
It’s not them.. it’s me.. it’s always been
Instead of digging a way out of my cell I need to find the key hidden within
It’s always been there
I just need to shine the light inside this time
And this time I need to pick it up
And carry it to the door:
The exit of comfort and darkness
The entrance to something new and scary
Will I return when I fail?
Will I return IF I fail?
The pain in my head is real
Its been that way for years
Came and went
Died and grew
Slowed and sped
Hiding in the background but always reminding
They say time makes you learn to live rather than forget.
But that’s only when it’s gone...
So how long...
How long till my scars stop healing
How long before the meds stops working
How long before friends and family point fingers
How long before I forget love and memories
How long before I lose me
How long until I regret wanting to live...
I never asked for it
But you forced it on me
I tried living with it
But you changed the flow
I listened to it
But you asked me to make choices instead
I cry when it gets too much
But you tell me to grow more
So I grow...
I mature..I dream.. I become happy
So why do you change your mind?
It’s not yours anymore
I made it.. I am me..aint i?