you know something i think about often
i don't have a personality
i just mimic others
the people i interact with
i mirror their personality
i mirror their texting language
i mirror the phrases or terms they use
i mirror their body language
i mirror their actions
their beliefs
their interests
their jokes
i mirror them
until i am just a patchwork personality of a million others that aren't mine
but you can't tell me to be myself when there isn't a self to be
I'm an empty shell, a husk of a person
there's nothing inside my heart
i have no personality
there is no me to be
and no matter how hard i search inside of me
there is nothing to be found
i am nothing
i am empty
i have no personality
i can't be myself when there is no self to be
who am i if nothing but everyone around me

when i tried to **** myself that night
something in my brain broke
i wasn't the same anymore
usually after a black and white episode
i can feel love for that person/people again
but when i woke up in the hospital after that attempt
that love was gone
i used to be able to feel love for some people and all animals
now i can't love humans anymore
i feel even less empathy for humans now than i did before
i can barely care about my friends
how can i care about anyone else
my heart is shriveled up and dead
it doesn't work anymore

do you ever feel so suicidal that you feel it in your body
my heart is shaky and pounding
my stomach is churning
my skin feels hot
my eyes are damp
my mind is racing and storming
i can't think coherently
except about…
“i really want to die”
“i don't want to be alive anymore”
“maybe this time it won't be an attempt but suicide”
“i can't do this anymore”
“let me die let me die please if there's a god out there let me die let me die **** me please”
“I'm so weak and pathetic”
“my whole life I've been abused and assaulted it haunts me”
“I'm suffering with every breath I take and every heartbeat it's shoved into my ******* face laughing that I'm still alive”
“I'm such a failure I can't even **** myself so pathetic 12 suicide attempts”

I'm in an underground labyrinth searching for the exit my whole life
everything seems like I took a wrong turn leading me deeper into the darkness
if I see light
how do I know if it's just a flashlight or a trick
or the sun the taste of freedom or liberation
do I follow the light and feed into the potentially false hope
and let me fall into despair once again
or do I even want to escape anymore
this labyrinth is all I know
what would I do with my life if I found the door leading me out
away from the horrors of my life
how would I even be able to adapt to this new life full of smiles and sunlight
maybe I'll stay here in my darkness
alone with my thoughts that torture me
yeah, it hurts but it's my normal
just like the scars on my arms
begging to be reopened
to have red spill down my wrists
to stain my sleeves
I can handle hoodies in the summer
If I've done it before
I can do it again
they all tell me to not do it again
but I don't want to listen to them
they say there are so many coping skills that will make you feel better
but those people haven't put a blade to their wrist and watched the blood trickle out
to feel the sting the adrenaline the pain
it's everything I need and want
don't take away something that actually helps me
I can swallow all these pills but that isn't gonna do anything good
if I hear “just be mindful” or “use mindfulness, it'll be the cure” one more time
I might scream until I go deaf and lose my voice
no one seems to listen to what I say
it's like I'm all alone in a crowded room no one sees me
they all look through me like I'm not even there
like I don't exist

Invalidated day after day
“She” “her” “girlfriend”
Replayed in my head
Never silencing the wrong pronouns that people say
They love me but why can’t they call me something other than a girl

Wishing they’ll change
“They” “them” “he” “him” “boyfriend”
Anything other than “girl” would make me happy
Would satisfy that little boy inside me aching to be called for what he is

Second biggest insecurity? My chest
Why?
It makes me feel like a girl and I don't want to feel like that
I hate how the way I dress or do my makeup makes me look female
It’s like nothing I do matters for people to think I'm a boy
Sure a select few respect my pronouns
But it's not many

I feel so alone and isolated with my dysphoria
No one I know can understand my struggle
I just wish I had a flat chest and a masculine face
Then I could get away with wearing makeup without looking like a female

Sometimes I want to plead with god why he made me hate myself so
I didn't ask for this
This constant battle of wanting to cut my chest just so it can feel the way I feel when I see them
It hurts deep inside to see this ugly body being portrayed as a woman
I want to be a boy
Nothing people say can make me hate my body less

I look in the mirror at myself and I want to cry
This isn’t how I should be physically
I hate it
No matter what gender I feel day to day, I can never please myself
I grow my hair out so I can look a little feminine
But then I chop it off so I can look masculine
One side will be happy for a short period then it will be angry again

I just want to be content when I see myself
Why must I be like this
Dysphoria is a demon I fight daily
But I never win
It had grown too strong over the years

day after day after day
I push myself to work harder
to complete more assignments
to push myself past my limits
why do I do this to myself

day after day after day
I skip breakfast
and lunch
and sometimes dinner
but my body makes me eat a snack
why do I do this to myself

day after day after day
the cuts and the burns cover my body
giving me new scars
and new pain
my secret outlet for all my unspoken pain
why do I do this to myself