Staring at my reflection
Thinking that I’m dumb
And picking out every flaw I own
Staring into the distance knowing I’m wrong
Tearing myself apart and not eating a crumb
Trying to lose weight and walking endlessly
To try and scare the pounds away
Disappointing my bio mother and not making her proud
All I want from my parents are love and acceptance
But instead I get backstabbed
Blocking out reality and staying up ‘till midnight
Writing stories and leaving them unfinished
I wish to be heard but I’m left in the dark
Crying in my sleep and being abandoned
Complaining that it isn’t fair won’t make it better

they say your skin is completely new after 7 years
it's been 7 years
but your touch still lingers
I see you everywhere
even though you aren't there
your presence haunts me
distrusting other me
because of you
you were supposed to protect me
but you hurt me instead
how can I trust after that
you violated me
and acted like nothing was wrong
like it didn't consume me
with fear and disgust and anger
how dare you do this to me
you told me to never let anyone touch me there
but you broke the rule and did it yourself
I was just a kid
it's been 7 years
but it still haunts me

one of my biggest fears is
that I'll work a 9 to 5 job
that I despise and drains me

I don't want to work a job that pays the bills
and is physically and emotionally draining
I want to do what I love and make good money

I know that that sounds naive
but I see the effects the menial job
that kills you slowly
taking everything out of you
with barely any energy at the end of the day

I have never loved someone
on accident
but sometimes it feels like
people love me
on accident

I think I want to live
for the first time in my life
I want to be alive
I'm finally living
instead of surviving

am I alone
alone in this world
my breath shudders as I curl under my covers
the world is silent
silent to my pain
the world turns a blind eye to my loneliness
am I alone
it feels like it
going to school, talking to no one
going home and hiding in my room
no one messages my phone
all alone
alone with my thoughts
"they don't like you"
"don't bother them"
"you're a burden"
"leave them alone"
they say

these words bubble up in my throat
but i push them all down
if i don't
then i'll lose control
screams rattle inside my skull
but i never voice them
for fear of not stopping
i have so much to say
so much anger to express
but it isn't a good idea
i don't want to be like them
they were volatile
and as unstable as dynamite
i don't want to become violent
and see their faces in my reflection

anxiety is the bane of my existence
it consumes me
eating away at my sanity
until it controls everything i do

heart pounding so hard that i feel stabbing pains in my chest
my lungs get put into overdrive until they feel like they collapsed
my throat burns and closes up
i feel like i can't breathe

my stomach becomes the bermuda triangle
twisting and churning, ******* everything to the bottom
my body is filled with tremors and my legs don't seem to be strong enough to walk

my mind races and blurs of thoughts race back and forth
it feels like everyone is staring at me
i can feel their eyes boring into me
judging me
and when i hear someone laughing
i believe it's me they're laughing at
after all all i am is a joke
a freak
“a girl who thinks she's a boy”
an ugly clown

so i dont go out of my way to talk to people my age
at school i keep my eyes to the floor
and my expression blank and emotionless
i don't want people to know what im thinking
for fear of what they might do with it

the anxiety creature
made up of slime and ooze
with sharp claws
that dig into my mind
trying to drag me down with it
whispering in my ears
making me tremble
and ruminate
i try to run and escape it
but it always catches up
i won't stop running from it
soon enough it will tire
and i will be free

Anxious
Oh, so anxious
my heart hammers in my chest
making my body sway
making my arms shake
I tremble and wobble
my mind a tornado of thoughts
my stomach churning and roiling
like a treacherous stormy sea
Anxious
Oh, so anxious
my breath is shallow
the breathing techniques aren't working
what do I do
panic rises up my throat
I feel detached from reality
everything sounds muted
like I'm not really there
all in my own world
as my anxiety threatens to overtake me

yes, I'm a poet
and I'm proud of it too
but reality sinks in letting me wallow in self-pity
I'll always be the poet
never a poem
I'll write about their eyes
their laugh
their perfect imperfections
but no one will capture my laugh
my smile
my beautiful flaws
I will always be a poet
but never a poem
I will write about beauty and grace
about love and heartache
but no one will turn me into a poem
I am stuck giving people words
and never getting any in return

are people born broken
that's what I ask myself

sure, there are always people
who have been traumatized
who have been beaten down
and turned into monsters
to the point of no return
where they inflict the torture
they've endured onto others

but can they be born evil
already a monster from the womb
have a beautiful life
or at least a good life
with a loving family
and still turn out messed up
can you abuse and torture others
for the fun of it
with no reason why you do what you do

beauty is pain
that's what they tell the young girls
that looks matter more
than comfort

caked on makeup
that weighs your face down
tight clothes
that show off your body
but restricting your lungs
starving and counting calories
just to achieve the hourglass figure
plastic surgery and botox
just to meet the beauty standards

they go through all this pain
and suffering
just to reach the ideal image
that changes so quickly
so you can't keep up
and are constantly adjusting theirselves
trying to feel beautiful

but what they don't realize
is that no matter how much you try
to fit in
it will never be enough

beauty is what you make it
be comfortable in your own skin
wear what makes you feel good
eat when hungry
starving makes you feel worse

there is light at the end of the tunnel
i promise

books books books
such a wonderful way to escape
the crisp scent of a fresh book
pages upon pages
drifting into other worlds
so much better than reality
dragons and unicorns and demons
are a better alternative
than the boring normal world
libraries are a comfort
so quiet and filled with books

the darkness threatens to overtake me
to soothe my sadness with pain
self-inflicted pain
but i must not give in
this will pass
it won't last for long
but it seems so sweet
like a familiar lullaby
but the lullaby has a dark undertone
like ring around the rosie
i will not give it
i am stronger than this
it will pass
i will not embrace the blade
no longer will i obey its every call

the blood of the covenant
is thicker than
the water of the womb

my own flesh and blood
have let me down
countless times

however the family
I have made along the way
have helped me
more times than
I've been let down by blood

the familial ties I have now
will last me longer than
any blood relations

i feel like i'm chasing a body
that i'll never reach
every time i feel like it's in my grasp
it slips through my fingers
hunger pangs is my new normal
skipping meals and snacks
filling up on water
as not to gain weight
losing weight is all i can think about
i never have seemed to love my body
always thinking about how i look
i compare myself to everyone
and i never achieve what they seem
to have so easily
once i lose weight
it always comes back
i can't keep it off
you can tell me thousands of times
that i'm not fat or that i look nice
but your compliments will fall on deaf ears
my body has felt big since a little kid
even when i was malnourished
i saw obesity
i'll never love myself

I love books
reading them
entering other worlds
filled with romance
and dragons
and magic
and anything you can imagine
so enchanting
the words transport you
into different dimensions
feeling what the character feels
experiencing what the character experiences
the words turn into images
that turn into a portal to the setting
when the book closes
reality slams into you
the rapid change in worlds is jarring

i have all these strong emotions
they swirl around inside me
i shove them down
and put a cork in the bottle
the bottle that doesn't open
it's easier to ignore the anxiety
than deal with the difficult emotion
but the bottle can't hold anymore
of this feeling
the bottle is shaking and exploding open
the feelings are rushing back at me
i'm holding in the tears
my stomach is churning like
the emotional turmoil
i'm so worried
I can't do this anymore
it's all crashing down on me
the emotions rain down on me
like the glass shards from the bottle
the anxiety shoots through my veins
making my hands tremble
and my heart ache
and my mind spin

the day is approaching
faster and faster
the day I pack up all my stuff
put it into boxes
load it into the car
empty out my room
and drive for a couple of hours
I will unpack my life
into a tiny new room
that will be my home for a year
I'll look at my barren room
waiting to be decorated
and filled
I'll make it my own
no matter how I miss my home hours away

I want to break the cycle of abuse
that I was subjected to
I don't want to be feared
I don't want to be known
by my footsteps
I don't want to scream at the slightest mishap
I don't want to beat people
or push them down
or place their worth on grades
I want to be loving and kind
I want to be loved
and be a safe place to talk
I want to give comfort instead of pain
I want to put value on effort
not a letter grade
kids might not be for me
but if they are
in the future
I don't want to continue the
cycle of abuse
I will break the cycle
when/if the time comes

breathe in 1...2...3...4
hold 1...2...3...4...5
exhale 1...2...3...4...5...6...7
repeat
repeat
repeat until the anxiety goes away
until your heart stops hammering
until your stomach doesn't churn
until your breath isn't rapid
until your mind calms
and you can move one

I am a cactus
my body covered in spikes
all I wanted
was a hug
but I hurt people
when they got to close
stabbing them with my spikes
it was never my intention
to wound them
but nevertheless
it happened
after I stabbed my loved ones
with my spikes
they left
and I was there
all alone
with an ache in my chest
I was so lonely
and I wanted a hug
but if someone tried to hug me
they got hurt
and left
I don't want to cause pain
but that is how I
was made
made to be destructive
and alone
I don't want to be this way
but what is a cactus
without it's spikes

my sweet baby Caesar
orange fur flying around
deep grumbly purr
light green eyes
judgmental and cuddly
introverted and quiet
you were taken far too soon
we'll miss you buddy
my caesar salad
my gingersnap snickerdoodle
my chicken nugget
we love you Caesar
rest easy now
the pain you were in is gone

you were cancerous to be
leeching off of me
manipulating me
i'm not sorry for cutting you off
like a tumor growing on my skin
you had to go
i don't want to feel bad for getting help
but you made me guilty
i didn't deserve to hear you threaten suicide
im sorry i was busy
but i was helping someone in need
i cant talk 24/7
you made me feel bad for attempting suicide
saying you almost tried to as well
you never asked how i was feeling
you only cared about you
and the attention you got
so i'm not sorry for cutting you off
i need to be healthy
and you were not the kind i want to surround myself with

walking on eggshells in that lonesome house
your mood was capricious
I was scared of you and your anger
one moment you were fine and agreeable
then if I said the wrong thing
you would fly into a fit of rage
I never knew what was the right thing
or wrong thing to say
anything could set you off
and I was your victim
it was always me
you hated for some reason
no longer do I live with you
and your capricious mood

the birds chirp in the distance
the sun glows bright
in the cerulean sky
no clouds in sight
just sunshine
beating down on your skin
sweat trickles down your brow
a slight breeze
sways the grass
around your ankles

the blood of the covenant
is thicker than the water of the womb

I plunge into the cold water
it drags me down
my lungs constrict
as the water fills them
my mind is empty
it feels so nice
to have a quiet head
maybe I'll stay here
down at the bottom of the ocean
my eyes start to flutter shut
then I remember
I have all these people that care about me
who love me
and don't want me dead
I wanted to be better
want to be better
my eyes snap open
and I begin to swim to the surface
my lungs welcome
the fresh crisp air
my head bobs above the ocean
as I swim with all my might
to the shoreline
I finally make it
my lay against the sandy beach
as I rest my weary bones
and heavy heart
healing will come
rest up
before your next begins

dual enrollment for art
seemed good at the start
then drained me
****** the passion for art
out of my soul
my hands no longer covered in paint
I no longer make jewelry
drawing is a hassle
poetry is my escape
I'm going to college
for creative writing
what if
it ***** the passion
the soul
out of my writing
making it a chore
instead of a release
anxiety naws at my brain
the what ifs
knocking inside my skull
what if it is draining
but what if
it gives me more passion
more motivation
it is a risk I'm willing to take

age 5-6 eating my dinner
mac n cheese with carrots
served on a Minnie Mouse plate

these was a commotion from my parents
a few feet away from me in the kitchen
screaming and yelling filled the house

I silently ate my food
then suddenly
she grabbed my plate
and threw it at the wall

shattered pieces of the plate
litter the floor
more commotion from them

I used to think that without a partner
I wasn't whole
that I needed someone to complete me
what I didn't realize is that
I am 100% by myself and
a partner should also be 100%
200% combined
I am complete by myself
I don't need someone to make me whole
I am whole
a partner should be an addition
not a completion
I am whole by myself
I am complete

when I met you
I knew that there would
never be another you
I think of you on the daily
but alas
miles of roads separate us
my feelings are true
whether they're reciprocated
or not
there will never be another you

the way you talk enraptures me
all I can focus on is you
and listen to what you saying
your big brown eyes
are mesmerizing
you have such a bright
and happy personality
you're so kind and funny
your art is incredible
your smile is infectious
and beautiful
I've never met someone like you

I am allowed to take up space
you are allowed to take up space
I deserve to be loved
you deserve to be loved
I have nothing to be ashamed of
you have nothing to be ashamed of
I am resilient
you are resilient
my healing is not linear
your healing is not linear
I am at peace with myself
you are at peace with yourself

I want to be the dandelion
growing in between the cracks
in the sidewalk
living in spite
of everything trying to
**** it

take it day by day
there will be ups and downs
but soon enough there'll be more ups than downs
life gets better day by day
one day might be low and sad
you might contemplate death
then the next day it will be a joy to live
so excited to do things and see people
take it day by day
things will change
it will get better
you just have to make through each day

it has been days since I last talked to you
it's been very freeing
not having to worry about saying
the wrong thing
and being too much
or not enough
I could never be just right for you
there was always something wrong
with me or what I did or said
it's so freeing not talking to you
being ignored or forgotten
I am free now that I'm no
longer trapped in the shackles
disguised as love and kindness
that you gave me

the bugs crawl under my skin
as my mind fades into darkness
my heart stills, cold in my chest
stiff hands gripped by loved ones
blank glazed over eyes
rotting flesh falling off my bones

You've gone through a lot
that much is true.
You've attempted to end your life
the outcome never as you wanted.
But soon enough you'll appreciate life
and the joys of being alive.
The road to recovery is a tough and long one
but it's one you're willing to take.
You haven't self-harmed in over 80 days
I know you can't fathom that.
Self-harm was your lifeline
in the awful house you lived in.
Yes, past tense, lived in
you escaped that hell of a house.
Your siblings have not
but they were always favored more.
You don't have many friends
but the ones you do are amazing.
Sadly, those friends live far away
but when you see them,
it's like you were never apart.
You still struggle with mental health
but you're getting better and stronger.
Life is more enjoyable now
even though we never wanted to be alive this long.
Maybe it's a good thing I'm still alive.
- Liam

I am desultory when it comes to
how I never want to speak to you again
I haven't unadded you on social media
maybe I should
should I?
I don't watch your insta stories
that's a good step
I don't talk to you anymore
good for me

the sheer diaphanous veil
covered the bride's face
she was suppressing tears
not tears of joy
but of sadness
she had no choice in this marriage
forced to don the white lacey dress
slather on makeup
and walk down the aisle
and swear to marry a stranger
and obey his every command

"the early bird gets the worm"
the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese
"seize the day"
seize the day, but put very little trust
in tomorrow
"curiosity killed the cat"
curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction
brought it back
"great minds think alike"
great minds think alike, though
fools seldom differ
"money is the root of all evil"
for the love of money is the root of all
kinds of evils
"jack of all trades, master of none"
jack of all trades, master of none,
though oftentimes better than
master of one

they say opposites attract
however
when I'm attracted to my opposite
it never ends well
however
you are like me
we both like
writing poetry
the color purple
drawing
painting
and listening to
non-modern music
we are so alike
you are so carefree
I love how we're similar
it adds to my love for you
maybe opposites attract
but I'm happy with you
someone who is like minded

the words on my screen blur together
the voices are muted
everything feels strange
my eyes shift from object to object
never really focusing
flipping from tab to tab
hoping for something to latch onto
to feel real
everything feels weird

I'm doing better
but is my better good enough
yeah, I've been clean from self-harm for almost 3 months
but sometimes I think about it
I laugh easier
but I still feel lonely
my smiles are real
but I think about my eating way too much
I shouldn't discredit my wins
but all I can think of are my shortcomings
I wish I had positive thoughts
to go with my positive mood
I'm sad but I'm happy
it's quite the conundrum
I need to stop focusing on my downs
and praise my ups
I'm doing better now
I'm happier
more carefree
still anxious of course
but way better
I love the way I feel
and how I can appreciate the little things
like my motivation
I do so much more than I used to
I'm happy
but part of me thinks it's a ruse
that something bad is going to happen
that part of me might be right
but it also might be wrong

do I want to die
or do I want the flashbacks to go away
do I want to die
or do I want the trauma to go away
do I want to die
or do I want to not hate myself
do I want to die
or do I want to not get older
do I want to die
or do I want to not live in fear
do I want to die
or do I want the paranoia to go away
do I want to die'
or do I want the severe anxiety to go away
do I want to die
or do I want to eat without worrying about my weight
do I want to die
or do I want to feel whole again
do I want to die
or do I want to escape my problems
my mental illness
my crippling loneliness
my fear
my uncertainty
the unknown future
do I want to die
or do I want the pain to go away

do you ever think that
the world is so messed up
that it should be blown up
and start anew
a new beginning
a clean slate
to do better this time
to reverse the mistakes made
the world is awful
and we made it that way
maybe humans are the problem
maybe it's our fault
maybe the world is
better off without us
destroying everything we touch

eclectic that's how I'd describe myself
different from the rest
not in a pick me way
just in a way that I don't even try
and I'm different
I don't do it to impress someone
I like poetry and writing
I like wearing bold and eccentric makeup
I like wearing heaps of homemade jewelry
I like being me
I like laughing loud and hard
until I can't breathe
I like acting weird
and driving my parents crazy
from my quirky acts of love
I like being myself so hard
that only the real ones stay

I have trouble with emotions
I can't feel them correctly
either I feel too much
or nothing at all
it could be because of my past
when I suppressed my emotions
day after day
emotions meant danger
he was volatile
and showing emotions
could end up with
him in a fit of rage
I walked on eggshells
to avoid his wrath
now I struggle with emotions
it's safe to feel them now
but my body no longer
knows how to properly
it's an all or nothing situation
it's quite draining