Oil paints...what a ******
    My mistake
A spill on canvas
          I wipe and wipe to fix the "inspiration"
Before I know my eyes are fixed and fixed on...nothing

The painting's gone, my over thought of simple things
Has stormed again and taken from me
      That that I saw, and saw as a need

A force so convincing
Has broken,
shock! and gone a splintering

  And now
In wide eyed amazement
I stare at beauty staring back at me
From a chance meant
  To be
A happy accident

A smile

Relief

This Waiting Place



The can of still is entirely sick.

Windows shatter and trucks collide

Threatens the over, yet becomes the not

Of which, of one, can you speak for?

.............I’ve never felt this way before.

Because glass gives reflections until it

Breaks.

Give me the pieces, the shards, the dust.

Let me take what I can take and walk away

With the shame of fault, the guilt of unknowing.

since analyzing the bodies won’t bring them back.

Limbo of shock or grey of wanting.

Since the can of answers can be given to the dead.


...

Viktor Aurelius read four of my poems on Whispers in the Dark Radio, a horror poetry show.

Coffee,
computers,
***,
alcohol,
Love and other drugs...

Sometimes, we say goodbye to addiction
not because we want to
not because we don't like it anymore
because we must,
because our addiction
wrecks the lives of others

Then, it isn't about our love for addiction
for that very specific addiction
or our desperate,
DESPERATE yearning for it,
but because we love our children
we love our friends and family
and our addiction might just wreck it
probably will wreck it!

So we betray ourselves
we betray our hearts
stab a cold dagger into our hearts,
just so that we don't wreck others
mostly, our innocent children

some girl muttered,
under her pretty breath,
through her bubblegum round lips-

that i was a train wreck-
a walking,
talking,
breathing,
train
wreck.

and i agreed.

because i'm not a beautiful suicide,
i didn't land on the top of a fancy limousine,
i didn't leap from the top of the empire state building,

i wreck full force and careless,
i wreck into others without braking,
i wreck in the middle of absolutely no where with no one to care
i wreck in small towns and i ruin lives.

i ruptured their organs
and i ripped their flesh-
i ruined their bones
and i ripped their ligaments-
i readjusted their joints
and i ravished their brains.

i slit their throats and
wrists
thighs
hips
just so i wouldn't feel alone
they were the same as me.

you and me -
we were like a train wreck waiting to happen
like watching animal planet by yourself late at night
about a lion stalking young gazelle in the sahara
and trying to turn your head
when he goes in for the ****
but you can't
you always told me,
"hey, love is pain"
but this kind of pain hurt so bad
it felt good
i liked it when you ripped my heart out
so swiftly and remorselessly
i was your conquest,
and you,
my conquerer
the lines you  told me
the last day we spoke
i now have so religiously memorized
and i play on repeat
over,
and over,
and over again
and ever since
i haven't wanted to wait for another train wreck to happen again

I miss my razor blades
They were a friend to me
When the stress of money, love, and family
Tears you apart
My love tries sewing me together
My parents ripping me up again
The cold sting of the blade
The way the blood used to drip down my arms
I miss being numb.
Ever since finding love I have started feeling
Before him my parents would rip me apart
Emotionally I'm a wreck
Physically I'm growing gray hair
I don't want the numb back
But maybe just for one day.

Do you hate the way
     that our magnetized times
turn us all to metal shavings--
     push and pull--charged each
day to fill up negative space
with negative attraction?
Were you repulsed when polarities
                                          changed?

Or­ was that me?
     Flipping switches
                     switching sides
                                      siding
with pivot points showing, caught
with pants down?
"Be a man now!"
          While the female end
          of the port calls out,
          "Shipwreck! Shipwreck!
               All men down!"

Count me out at minus 4
     it leaves a balance: minus 3
At minus 10, our blood could freeze
and fall back earthward; blood red snow.
Caught on the tongue it tastes like pennies.
          Tastes just like
          the metal shavings
          we become
          in magnetized times.
               Polarized
and "Family Sized." Underpaid
Overfed. Neutralized America.

Greatest country in the ******* world.

                    Right?

it's not that I don't want to find whatever you say interesting ,
but I don't seem to care about anything anymore.
so it seems like I'm a horrible person and I'm really not, believe me
I just don't care about it all.
I don't care, I never did.