I wore necklaces of bruises when you felt so prompted to gift them
slipped me into sleeves of black and blue
watched my skin turn every hue of human
I remember one night I got brave
and painted you too
There were times you'd say you loved my eyes
so much so
you could never look at the stains your anger left behind
Who knew familiar hands would create the very reasons
I had to hide
There were entire days you spent trying to wash away the colors
attempting to convince me of the superficiality of my wounds
as secrets added up between the four walls of your room
Mornings were for recovery
but you'd see red if I couldn't forget by afternoon
I'm starting to see in color again.
It began like the seasons do
happening over your shoulder
summer nights shed their skin
into something a shade colder
but you can't remember exactly when
the colors appeared a bit bolder.
So used to life through absent eyes
I almost couldn't see in anything
other than black and white
But there were times that
I'd get stuck staring too long
like finding a rip in the seams
catch a color I hadn't seen
or find a new one in a kiss
a ripple in reality
my greys had more tint.
Soon I began to pine
for all the hues I'd missed
my favorite colors
given away to previous years
shades so familiar
they came with memories
undertones I could hear.
So I let it all come back
gave my eyes the time
to adjust from shadows
to the brighter whites.
Some days I still struggle
with every color I’ve seen
when nights are so blue
the indigos sink, deeper into me
but morning always returns
with her amber glow
I’ve seen God in her smile
and I keep her close.
I keep changing colors.
It’s halfway through March
which means I’ve been lost since I don’t know when
I used to call it a life binge
but I can’t seem to stop spinning
think I’ve lost my footing
still can’t see the ground
wonder what sound I’ll make if I fall
so used to catching myself
I wonder if I’ll fall at all
Oh but Mama, the liquor feels so good in my system
so warm in my blood
I'll bet you never thought I would've listened
but now look at me
filling your shoes, so lost in my boots
I look a little something like you would've
I believe I would reckon.
And Mama have you seen
what a mess I've let these men make of me?
Most of them built on apologies
but they mean what they say
and they like to say it when they're mean.
you should see the things you didn't mean to teach me.
Mama? Please don't be sad,
or hurt, or guilted, or shamed,
you did the best you could with what we had to our name,
My heart's bigger than most
and my eyes are wider all the same
I'll hold it all on my shoulders
I've learned to balance peace with the pain.
He was a good man when he could be but love is not about convenience.
been cheated on for almost two years, so there's that.
It's like I'm fighting time
never have enough but always wasting too much
waiting on time to fix the broken parts of "us"
wondering when things will feel right if they ever will
I'm still stuck on moments people said would heal
been struck by the realization that learning how to accept
is to learn how to deal
but acceptance comes with time
and through time wounds have been revealed
These days my words ring empty, my voice remains low
I've been made of broken promises
over the months it's started to show
Commitment to my future is all too rooted in my past
I need to let go of comfort
this time around I have to make the changes last
Just needed to get it out.
We're lights in the middle of the night
luminescent but not all that bright
yet still guiding each other home
A grip in the middle of the cold
strolling tight side by side
won't admit we're lost in the city
Skipping through skid row
I let you take me home
Past Whittier boulevard
towards the old houses
and past my favorite park
where we ran screaming from
the city's heartbeats pounding through the dark
a mix up of city memories